Roll call updates
Sad
Maybe we could all update each other on how we're doing.
I'm hanging in there. I am caring for my Mom's husband. Doctors
predicted that he only had a week or two but luckily he seems to be
stable. I wish my Mom was here all the time. I still can't think about
the future without her but I know I don't have a choice. I really miss
her so much I can't even describe it.
Daniel
Good idea.
Background first. I found my way to this group after Mom died of a sudden heart
attack in June 2000. My father died from cancer in September 2005. In between
my friend/mentor/employer Ed lost his battle with liver disease in November
2002.
Many of the people I have cared about the most are gone. My two closest friends
from high school died in separate industrial accidents within a few years of
graduation; that's ~30 years ago, but it leaves scars, affects my ability to
make friends. [Off topic sort of: two other friends' pesonalities changed so
much due to drugs etc. that I no longer keep in touch.]
Anyway where was I going with this? Oh yeah. Fear.
Two things -- one is that I've had some health "issues" since summer, and three
doctors later . . . I'm basically okay. Yeah, I'm getting older and some things
are wearing out, but it's normal wear and tear, not tumors or whatever. Which
is good news and is a big load off my mind. The other is that my wife has a
chronic illness and when she's bad it makes me fearful and irritable, which is
both not what I need (more stress) and also not what she needs (barely
functioning spouse).
Bottom line: my grief journey continues. What they call "coping with loss" is
not just some simple thing about going through the steps or getting over
so-and-so not being around -- it cuts through my whole life, my every day. Grief
has changed me and I continue to try to find ways to live in the world while at
the same time being true to the memories of those I have lost.
It gets better. It just doesn't get perfect.
Peace,
--
Daniel ( deltae...@usa.net )
~*LiveLoveLaugh*~
news:c780be1d-b1d7-4786...@g10g2000pri.googlegroups.com...
Not too great here. The Christmas music has started on a lot of my favorite
radio stations. It's just too early. Of course, I am reminded that my mom
isn't here once again (Gone 1/06/07). God, she was the "Christmas fairy"
for sure!! She *loved* Christmas!! I remember one year, she even had
Christmas tree toilet paper in all of the bathrooms. We all made so much
fun of her. The toilet paper was the cheap and scratchy stuff. What I
wouldn't give to see a roll of that in the old house again!! Dad sold that
house shortly after Mom died. So there's not even a "home" to go to. This
year, Dad is paying for me & my brother to fly to Myrtle Beach for 6 or so
days during Christmas. (He's driving down there to meet us, of course).
Last year we did it in Cocoa Beach. It was really nice, but so "strained"
w/out Mom's face, laughter, smiles and love.
Bah, humbug!!
:(
--
�.��� �)) -:�:-
�.�� .����))
Laurie
((��.�� ..��
-:�:- ((�� �.�
*~*LiveLoveLaugh*~*
All that I am or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.
~Abraham Lincoln
Liliana
I lost my son to a car accident 11 years ago and it is not getting any
easier. The pain seems deeper. I try to get on with life, and by all
outward appearance people would say I am doing well. I take trips
(Italy past June) go to movies, meet friends, renovated my home, and
"chat" with friends. No one sees me as I truly am, as I hide more
and more into this actress I have become. A friend who I have known
for 10 years who also lost a son, has disappointed me in so many ways
these last two years, that I no longer want to see her. We were able
to help each other at first, but now she basically ignores my son's
death anniversary dates, especially James' 10th last year, and I no
longer find comfort with her. Every day is hard, every day is a
challenge, every day I worry about my husband and other son. The
world does not seem a safe place for me, as once I had the luxury of
believing it was. It was such a time of innocence "another day in
paradise" as the song says, but hey look twice... many others before
me... were suffering just as I am now. I feel like I have been thrust
by an avenging angel into this new life of darkness.
donna
oh sweetie,
you really touched a chord when you wrote: 'i still can't think about
the future without her ...' please remember that you don't have to
think about that right now. just getting through each day is a
victory for you. then another day; and then another.
it began with savannah. four other family members died. two pets.
many illnesses and one car accident. all those other events would
have been sad and difficult alone but because my child had died i was
knocked down each time.
i'm a recluse. i just don't have anything to say to people who have
not suffered great loss; no hard feelings for them ... i live in a
different world now.
best to you,
donna
donna
dear liliana,
>The world does not seem a safe place
> for me, as once I had the luxury of
> believing it was.
*************************************************************************
yes. i get it.
thinking, thinking and thinking for the past 1399 days. i kept
wondering what it was, beyond love and biology, that was so
traumatically devastating. it's a tragedy when any person dies, but
when savannah collapsed and seized to death in my arms it destroyed my
world. that world is going to be gone forever. like you, i have
slowly begun to rebuild a new world but it's only a hollow echo of
what came before.
a couple of months ago i started to realize it all came down to
safety. i believe we humans look for patterns in the universe.
whether it's religion, randomness, chaos or any other personal
philosophy, we all need an understanding and acceptance of how it
works. that knowledge is what keeps us safe. i don't mean physically
or even mentally safe ... it's more like our souls, the motivating
spirit of our individual essence ... knows that we can overcome. when
savannah died, when james tried to push his car off the road, the
universe changed the rules. now we are aware of the benign
indifference of the cosmos; the most hideous events can change
everything in a heartbeat.
i think of your child, his white jeans stained with blood, often. i
am so sorry.
best to you,
donna
Liliana
Donna my dear.... thank you so much for remembering..... for
expressing yourself so eloquently and truthfully. It is these moments
I treasure, a true understanding of souls, a mother's soul who has
lost a child. When you write of Savannah dying in your arms. Who
can bear such pain? Remember such trauma? Yet we do. We endure. The
nights are the hardest for me. At the beginning I would look forward
to the nights, as I could sleep and get some relief. Now I look out
at that darkness, and it looks menacing. It's harder to sleep.
A friend of mine recently married and described her marriage as the
"planets aligning" something about the cosmos, and I wanted to shout
at her.... just as you say "the cosmos are indifferent" it is luck you
found the right man... for now.
How smug and safe are the evangelists preaching on t.v... no matter
what is going on in the world... they feel there is a plan. What is
the plan for our lives?
Donna, the best to you also.
Daniel
[ please forgive some gentle snipping... ]
> . . .
>How smug and safe are the evangelists preaching on t.v... no matter
>what is going on in the world... they feel there is a plan. What is
>the plan for our lives?
> . . .
The cruelest thing I ever heard was a former friend rationalizing to me that I
should be "happy" that Mom died. That it was part of the "plan". And all that.
Yeah? From where I sit, the plan is full of forces and vectors and sometimes
good people end up on the wrong end of those forces. The plan if you must use
the term does seem to allow for personal autonomy, for beauty, for love -- but
it also allows for cancers and parasites and amebic dyssentery. And personal
freedom allows for the mis-use of freedom, ending up with good people as victims
of perpetrators. Would I give up beauty, love, and freedom for security? No.
But why did cancer have to take *my* dad, and take him so fast? Why do these
things take the *children* ? Is that really the *plan* ? Maybe a really ugly
big stinkin' trade-off from something in the plan? "You can have peace. Or you
can have freedom. Don't ever count on having both at once." (Robert Heinlein) So
what I am sayingis: The higher power behind the curtain of the universe values
order, but it's an "order" more chaotic and entropic than you'll ever imagine;
and values freedom, and it's more dangerous than any freedom you can desire (at
least all at once). There is so little of the "plan" that is or can be know to
us that it's useless to inquire, and presumptuous to preach about it. At least
from where I'm sitting. Addressing the preacher that claims insights about "the
plan": Don't gimme your "plan" crap. Don't gimme that "You should be happy"
crap. I have a whole lot of hard travelling left to do on my road, my grief
road, before I'll be willing to compare notes with *you* on how we turned out.
I'll make my own plans, thank you. Look me up in a few hundred years and let me
know how that plan worked out for you.
donna
>
> - Show quoted text -
donna
dear liliana,
again, i sent a post without a message, second time this evening. i
become so moved, so angry, so sad; i forget what i am doing.
so, the 'stars aligned', huh? yep, that right. and destiny, karma
and 'what goes around, comes around' comes into play too. and as
daniel writes about: 'the plan'.
AHRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!
all those beliefs we thought we had ... are nothing when we face the
reality of death. 'this is what i'd do,' and 'this is what i'd
say' ... they are so easy. it is only when we have to pay the
price ... when it is real, these thoughts or pseudo-philosophies stab
us. my daughter is dead; james is dead ... you and i will never find
the words sad enough to express what it did to us.
the pain is me now. there is not one moment of one day that i am not
wrapped in my beautiful little girl dying. dead? but, how could
savannah be dead? how was it that when i ran into the kitchen and
grabbed her by the shoulder and shook her and called her name that she
didn't open her eyes and say: 'i'm ok, mommy.' how did my will and
force and strength not bring her home?
donna
>Addressing the preacher that claims insights about "the
> plan": Don't gimme your "plan" crap. Don't gimme that "You should be happy"
> crap. I have a whole lot of hard travelling left to do on my road, my grief
> road, before I'll be willing to compare notes with *you* on how we turned out.
dear daniel,
i guess we are all strangers ... traveling in a strange land.
best,
donna
Daniel
> . . . how was it that when i ran into the kitchen and
>grabbed her by the shoulder and shook her and called her name that she
>didn't open her eyes and say: 'i'm ok, mommy.' how did my will and
>force and strength not bring her home?
> . . .
I don't know. I do know something that is *not* to blame -- it was not a
failure of your love. My personal belief in fact is that there was nothing you
could have done. Sometimes even instant access to the best most modern
emergency medical facility makes no difference. These bodies we live in have so
many ways they can break down, it's a wonder any of us are still walking around.
You are a good mom.
Peace,
lloman
there is not one moment of one day that i am not
> wrapped in my beautiful little girl dying. dead? but, how could
> savannah be dead? how was it that when i ran into the kitchen and
> grabbed her by the shoulder and shook her and called her name that she
> didn't open her eyes and say: 'i'm ok, mommy.' how did my will and
> force and strength not bring her home?
I struggle with that moment as well. When I was in the Peace Corps I
had a book called "where there is no doctor" but when I returned to
world of telephones and ambulances I never imagined medical help would
be too far away. But when my baby was at daycare and help was called
the ambulance was 20 minutes away and even if it had been 2 minutes
our bodies are so fragile. When other people talk about miracles of
being pronounced dead and have been without oxygen and then awake with
no brain damage I am so angry....why didn't my son receive that
miracle. I would have given anything for the doctor's to come out and
say "boy that was a close call but he's OK" instead it was "he has
been without oxygen for too long and his brain is starting to swell."
I think of the women in Papua New Guinea who lost their children and
then here I am in the USA and I lost my son too....even with all our
advantages. I miss him so much and would loved to see him open his
eyes one more time....and to see him smile and his little
teeth...without that vision of him with a breathing tube forcing air
through his little lungs.
So sad.
MaryD
This season is going to be rough. I still grieve our friend who was
murdered 22 1/2 years ago. My mother-in-law died in 2007, so this is
the second Christmas without her. Just a few days ago, one of the 6th
grade girls at my school died from a bacterial infection. Just
thinking about what her family is/ will be going through hurts.
I'll light a candle this year on December 13, as I have almost every
year since I first learned of it.
MaryD
Sad
Daniel I will read those Holiday Help topics you posted.
It's weird how I was able to handle Thanksgiving okay but Christmas is
a whole other level. I'm not sure what I should do. I feel like
randomly picking one of those vacation deals I get in my emails and
just leaving.
Daniel
>I'm really wishing Christmas was over.
>
>Daniel I will read those Holiday Help topics you posted.
>
Everybody's different, but I find that even if nothing specifically helps,
sometimes reading helps push my thought processes over a hurdle or two. Picking
and choosing and adding and cobbling your *own* way is the way to go.
>It's weird how I was able to handle Thanksgiving okay but Christmas is
>a whole other level. I'm not sure what I should do. I feel like
>randomly picking one of those vacation deals I get in my emails and
>just leaving.
Do whatever feels best/easiest. Sometimes it is best to just admit, "I do not
have the energy for that." (i.e., that might mean saying "no" to an invitation
that "everybody" *expects* you to be at.)
Re: vacation deal -- The thought of lounging around on an isolated tropical
beach sounds pretty good right now!
wenevs1
Hi Daniel,
It is a great idea to get updates on the posters to this group in
2009. I have been reading posts weekly but have not posted in
months. Kyle, my 21 year old son died May 19th of this year due to
complications with Type I diabetes. The 7 months since his death have
been unpredictable and full of pain. I don' t know what kept me
somewhat together in the weeks following his death. I can tell you
that at the 6 month mark my world began to change drastically. I
don't know if it takes that long for the shock to wear off or what.
Made it through is birthday which came less than 3 weeks after his
death. Thanksgiving we went out of town where we knew no one. My
daughter is getting ready to graduate from college on 12/11/09 so we
will travel to Florida for the event then back again for Christmas. I
can't go into retail stores because the holiday music is to painful.
I do not plan to decorate this year and would prefer to have no
visitors around the holidays. I would appreciate feedback from others
are are new in their grief journeys. Most of my family has moved on
with their lives and there is little mention of Kyle lately. I feel
like I am underwater in the sense that everything is unclear and
movement is sluggish. Anyone relate to this?
Wendy
Sad
We've had another death in the family so I haven't been online. This
one was "expected" but it's still hard.
I think I might stay home alone for Christmas. I really don't feel
like going anywhere but everyone is worried about me being "alone" ---
what they don't understand is that I feel better alone.
I would rather stay home. My Mom's urn is here and it makes me feel
that a part of her is here too.
Now sure what to do.
daisy
Daisy
"Sad" <greye...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
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daisy
getting older :(
Daisy
"Daniel" <deltae...@usa.net> wrote in message
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Daniel
Thanks Daisy,
My dear wife has been dealing with fibromyalgia / chronic fatigue (some places
they call it "myalgic encephalomyelitis" -- which sounds *really* scary) for the
last 20+ years. Good days and bad weeks. Could be LOADS worse. I am just
grateful for every day I have with her, even with a "diminished capacity" for
movement, etc. It's like a bad parody of a new product TV commercial: "New and
improved!!!" -- but with us, it's, "NOW with ARTHRITIS!!!" or "Now comes with
Extra Added Perimenopausal Syndrome!!!" :-P
Hang in there! Peace and blessings,
daisy
diagnosed yet. and they think I may have copd as well. It's rough, I k
now her pain.....and I also know being the kind hearted man you are she's a
very lucky woman. Hope things start to look up for you guys. Love you!
Daisy
"Daniel" <deltae...@usa.net> wrote in message
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Daniel
>I understand friend, I suffer from fibromyalgia as well, just haven't had it
>diagnosed yet. and they think I may have copd as well. It's rough, I k
>now her pain.....and I also know being the kind hearted man you are she's a
>very lucky woman. Hope things start to look up for you guys. Love you!
>
>Daisy
{{ Daisy }} -- fibro diagnosis is hard, some MDs shy away from anything they
can't do an instant test for. And if you have a "diagnosis" what good would it
do really, since there's not a hell of a lot they can do for you. The social
part is hard -- the not doing or going places -- because people look at her and
say, "She *looks* fine..." meaning (I think), "She must be a lazy faker!" It's
sad.
COPD?! I'm sorry! I take breathing for granted most of the time. Praying for
you harder than ever now. . .
daisy
without my son...:(
thanks daniel, you're a forever dear friend!
Daisy
"Daniel" <deltae...@usa.net> wrote in message
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~*LiveLoveLaugh*~
news:6d58$4c1a74cc$4ad714ce$22...@FUSE.NET...
> Just wanting to get through today...today marks the 13th year I've been
> without my son...:(
>
> thanks daniel, you're a forever dear friend!
Daisy,
So glad to know you got through it. It gets a little easier, but then
again?? It *never* gets easier!! {{{Daisy}}}!!
--
·.·´¨ ¨)) -:¦:-
¸.·´ .·´¨¨))
Laurie
((¸¸.·´ ..·´
-:¦:- ((¸¸ ·.·
*~*LiveLoveLaugh*~*
All that I am or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.
~Abraham Lincoln
>
daisy
You're a sweetheart.
Daisy
"~*LiveLoveLaugh*~" <nobod...@this.house> wrote in message
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