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Anger and Blame
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Deborah Coryell
Oct 30, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/30/98
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Focusing on what is not possible, focusing on what is absent in our lives,
as opposed to what is present, keeps us caught in a cycle of fear and
despair that often manifests itself as anger and blame. We can understand
that the emotional defense against fear is anger and the defense against
despair is blame. Our psychological survival mechanism - only the strong
survive - will take our fear and turn it into anger. Anger is pro-active,
focusing outward against another, as opposed to fear which is reactive and
aiming inward toward oneself. Despair is transmuted into blame for much
the same reason: To turn the focus of attention off of oneself and onto
someone else. While this mechanism might be effective in some
circumstances, it is a poor and inefficient healing mechanism in the face
of grief and loss. Why? Because we have more power over ourselves than
we have over another. I can choose to change my mind but I can't choose
to change yours. To take my fear and despair and make it someone else's
fault is to disempower myself. Likewise, to take my fear and despair and
turn it into anger and blame directed inward is to disempower myself. If
I can't turn it outward and I can't turn it inward, what can I do? The
only choice remaining is to meet my fear and despair honestly and with as
much support from the world around me as I can call upon.
as opposed to what is present, keeps us caught in a cycle of fear and
despair that often manifests itself as anger and blame. We can understand
that the emotional defense against fear is anger and the defense against
despair is blame. Our psychological survival mechanism - only the strong
survive - will take our fear and turn it into anger. Anger is pro-active,
focusing outward against another, as opposed to fear which is reactive and
aiming inward toward oneself. Despair is transmuted into blame for much
the same reason: To turn the focus of attention off of oneself and onto
someone else. While this mechanism might be effective in some
circumstances, it is a poor and inefficient healing mechanism in the face
of grief and loss. Why? Because we have more power over ourselves than
we have over another. I can choose to change my mind but I can't choose
to change yours. To take my fear and despair and make it someone else's
fault is to disempower myself. Likewise, to take my fear and despair and
turn it into anger and blame directed inward is to disempower myself. If
I can't turn it outward and I can't turn it inward, what can I do? The
only choice remaining is to meet my fear and despair honestly and with as
much support from the world around me as I can call upon.
Excerpted from Chapter 1 of Good Grief: Healing Through the Shadow of Loss
=====================================================================
Deborah Coryell, Co-founder, The Shiva Foundation
Author of Good Grief: Healing Through the Shadow of Loss
Read a chapter of Good Grief by visiting The Shiva Foundation website. Email: deb...@goodgrief.org / Web: http://goodgrief.org
=====================================================================
Eric Perlin
Nov 2, 1998, 3:00:00 AM11/2/98
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Well said. I expressed similar ideas in a post called
"Blaming someone", but you articulated it better.
"Blaming someone", but you articulated it better.
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