Home movies - some of those people are gone now

[Daniel]

My wife's side of the family made the effort to put most (all they could find at
the time) of their family 8mm movie archives onto DVD.

We watched about six hours of movies over the last week.

There they are, so many of them. Great grandma, whom I never met. Grandma and
Grand-daddy from Texas, Grandma and Grandpa from Southern California -- those I
met while I was just their grand-daughter's boyfriend. [To put that into
perspective, I've been married nearly 29 years.] I didn't know them very well.
I know the stories and the movies better.

Oh, and there's Uncle Charles. God I miss him. Miss his friendship, his
acceptance of me (even when I was just his niece's long-haired boyfriend), his
laugh. . .

My wife's uncle. Chuck's cancer story was a lot like my dad's -- long
misdiagnosed discomfort, then a diagnosis and rapid wasting, and he
was gone. Like so many people who have loved me in my life, he is
gone.

I've told this story before: We used to go up there to the old farmhouse
(former chicken farm already being divided before he got it) this time of year
for fresh-fresh-fresh Gravenstein apples and fresh-fresh-fresh apple
cider! Home-made cider one year! What a chore, with most of us
helpers fastidiously cutting away bad spots and opening the cores to remove the
worms (only organic, here!) -- but Chuck only cut off the obviously moldy parts!
"There's not enough juice in a worm to change the flavor of the cider!," he
would laugh. What a great laugh the big man had! I miss him.

Watching him laugh on the silent screen makes it hurt again, you know?

I wrote this some years ago, just after my dad was diagnosed with his own
cancer:

= = =
Charles
--
[written by Daniel from alt.support.grief, July 2005)]

Now the hill is flattened
where the farm house stood
where you built the breezeway window
at an angle to let you see
when we were coming up the drive

Now some minor subdivision
junk bunkers
townies playing country
they love barn siding
tear down the barns
and put it over the bar
they love their cheese
but hate the smell of cows

Now (too soon)
even your ashes
where are they
oh where are you
just when I need you
need your laugh
your great big hug
all the orchard trees you tended
with an eye toward future fruit
loved and tended
yes tended and shared
the apples
oh the apples

Even now
in memory
you and I
there on the hillside
where today there is no hill at all
September sun warms the fruit
and the wine sweet air
we cut them open first --
you laugh
"the worms only eat the sweet ones"
we sample this year's fruit
as though it will last

Then your hand on my shoulder
for a moment
you steady yourself on me
that pain in your hip
the doctor only tells you to lose weight
you tried all the alternatives
nothing seems to help

Then it turned out
they had missed the cancer in your bones
until the tumors spread

Then
it was too late

Even then (too soon)
your smile
a good-bye hug
some tears
and you were gone

= = =

Peace,
--
Daniel ( deltae...@usa.net )