My daughter died today...
Mark Serbian
reasons I will never understand, she threw herself off an apartment building
in Hollywood at about 6:15 this morning and died at the bottom. She was 22.
She was my little girl.
Over the Christmas holidays, I got to tell her how much I loved her and how
proud I was of her. And now she's gone and I've got a hole in my heart that
I don't know how to fill.
I *know* it's not my fault, but I'll never, ever, stop asking what I did
wrong or didn't do right. I *know* she made her own decisions, but I'll
never, ever stop wondering if I could have helped in some way. All the
"advice" in the world will never, ever stop me from wondering if I could
have changed this outcome in some way.
I do not know what to do. I am an amateur at death and have little
experience to draw on. How do I know what to do next? How do I handle this
pain? What do I say to friends who want to help? What about ... all these
things I must now do? How do people learn to do these things? When are
they allowed to forget? When will this howling in my heart stop?
My family is torn, our souls are smaller now, and I do not know what to do.
I cannot change the past, I cannot tell her once more that I love her, I
cannot hold her hand and see her smile. I will heal someday, we all will I
suppose; but I will never forget this pain. My baby girl is gone, I cannot
have her back.
I loved her, really I did...
- Mark Serbian
San Diego, CA
January 7, 2002
Eric Jarvis
>
> I do not know what to do. I am an amateur at death and have little
> experience to draw on. How do I know what to do next? How do I handle this
> pain? What do I say to friends who want to help? What about ... all these
> things I must now do? How do people learn to do these things? When are
> they allowed to forget? When will this howling in my heart stop?
>
Mark...it's your grief...your emotion...what you feel
is the right thing for you to feel...you can't do
this "by the book"...because there is no book
I can't say "do this thing and that thing and it will
all be better"...the hurt doesn't seem to ever go
away...but it does become an old familiar pain that
can be lived with...eventually
take things a step at a time...that helps to keep
everything else making sense...I found that was
really important...remaining aware that some things
still were as they should be
tell us more when you need to...ask us more questions
(or the same ones again) when you need to...sometimes
the telling and the asking help...both you and the
rest of us...and don't expect answers to
everything...I don't think many of us have them...and
I certainly wouldn't trust anyone who claims to have
all of them
--
eric
"I am a man of many parts, unfortunately most of
them are no longer in stock"
Jack Cassidy
"Mark Serbian" <MarkS...@Home.com> wrote in message
news:VQv_7.17871$dG.96...@news1.rdc1.sdca.home.com...
> ...and I do not know what to do. She was (is?) Megan Joy Serbian. For
> reasons I will never understand, she threw herself off an apartment
building
> in Hollywood at about 6:15 this morning and died at the bottom. She was
22.
> She was my little girl.
Mark,
I am so sorry for your loss, I've been there, my 17 year old daughter died
by suicide with a gun on October 1, 1996. I have to warn you, when the shock
wears off it gets worse, I know you probably think it couldn't get any
worse, but it does. The first year after the loss of my Patti, most of my
friends just faded into the woodwork, they didn't know what to say or do and
I guess we became their worst nightmare, if it could happen to us it could
happen to them.
I would suggest that you get some face to face support like The
Compassionate Friends or Survivors of Suicide, You can usually find them in
the blue pages of the phone book. You can also come and post on this ng but
it isn't very active right now, if you feel the need to talk to other
survivors you could try the www.1000deaths.com website, it is for suicide
survivors, when you go there go to the message board, everyone there has
lost a loved one to suicide.
Right now your job is to survive, there are really no rules, save one, Don't
hurt yourself. It is a bumpy road we are on, and the trip is long, hang on
tight. From my heart, I am so so sorry you have joined us.
Jack Cassidy
Patti's dad
3/17/79~~10/1/96
your light still shines in my heart.
Do
Do
"Mark Serbian" <MarkS...@Home.com> wrote in message
news:VQv_7.17871$dG.96...@news1.rdc1.sdca.home.com...
hatty
is an easy journey and that the destination is clear. We don't get over we
get through. Its been 4 years ago for me that I lost my partner and there
are days when I feel like no time has passed and the hole in my heart gapes
open again.
There are no right answers to any of the questions that you ask. What worked
for me was being able to share and communicate with people who had lost
someone to suicide. My emotions changed from minute to minute and it helped
to be able to talk about it. I learnt to not fight the pain but live with
it. Instead of trying to make the deep ache go away, I resigned myself to
its presense. I gave up trying to stop myself feeling guilty or searching
for the reasons and just accepted it. Looking back it was something I had to
go through. Even now my thoughts can be overtaken by my looking for those
reasons.
But all this takes time. Be gentle on yourself.
When people asked me about Ps death I couldn't say the word suicide, I had
to say he took his own life. The next question was always why. With some
people it helped me to ramble and wonder and try to make sense of it all.
With others I had to just say "he had his reasons" in a tone that closed the
conversation.
Our pain is two fold. The great loss and the manner in which we have lost
them. I hope we can be of some comfort here. In time, when your ready you
might find some comfort in just talking to us about your feelings or telling
us about Megan. When its hurting so much and you need to send your thoughts
somewhere.
take care of yourself and your family as best you can,
you are in my thoughts
hatty
Mark Serbian <MarkS...@Home.com> wrote in message
news:VQv_7.17871$dG.96...@news1.rdc1.sdca.home.com...
13 7
recently died(he was 32) I don't knoe what to do either. I'm going to
go rest awhile now, but I would like to talk to you later today. My
e-mail is beade...@webtv.net Please write me. Lynn Kelly
Mark Serbian
I'm finally home from a day of arranging for cremation and memorial services
and seeing what support is available for my family from my work insurance.
I borrowed a colleague from my office and he helped me get through the
questions at Neptune Society...
I also spent two hours at the edge of the ocean, crying and asking "why?".
I believe I have actually lost weight from crying...
Thanks to you and all the others who've written (both here & my home
address) to express their condolences. I'm not going to be able to reply to
each of you for a while, but I will in time.
Grieving;
- Mark
"13 7" <beade...@webtv.net> wrote in message
news:13690-3C3...@storefull-622.iap.bryant.webtv.net...
BeMy...@webtv.net
are valid and needed for your peace of mind. I wish Megan had a second
chance to answer them for you.
Have you ever seen the Neil Simon play Brighton Beach Memoirs? There is
a seen where the family is at the table talking about someone who died
of cancer but the mother only whispers the word. Suicide is very much
like that. People can't seem to talk about it. Don't be offended or hurt
by this. They don't know what to say and in the long run most people say
nothing.
Hold it in your heart that she knew you loved her and it's NOT YOUR
FAULT IN ANY WAY.
One last bit of advise if you are ever in ear shot of ingrate people who
never experienced this kind of loss, talking about it___ WALK AWAY.
Kimberly
Mark Serbian
Thanks for the good words and the advice. I have always had a couple of
"conversational filters" when dealing with people. It sounds silly, but
whenever someone uses the word "irregardless", I know right away what I'm
dealing with! (the word doesn't exist and was made up by the creator of
"Lil Abner" to show how stupid he was - and no one got the joke...)
Suddenly, I've noticed I have two more: whenever someone says, in a
psuedo-somber voice, "I know how you feel, man" or they say, "It hurts now,
but you'll eventually get over it" I know what I'm dealing with.
I realize that almost no one will say these things with the intent to harm,
but harm they do. If I *ever* encounter someone whose little girl has died
like this (I can't even say the word, can I?), I will never - even though I
would be *allowed*, by God! - say "I know how you feel". Likewise with
"you'll get over it"... I'll wager anything you ask that no one in this
newsgroup will *ever* "get over" this pain.
Healing does not guarantee a lack of scars.
- Mark
"That which does not kill me makes me stronger" - Nieche
"I was as strong as I thought I needed to be" - Mark Serbian
<BeMy...@webtv.net> wrote in message
news:3220-3C3...@storefull-133.iap.bryant.webtv.net...
dahlhia
probably didn't understand herself. These feelings of hopelessness often
don't make any kind of sense to the ones who cared.
I used to be suicidal. I never understood how it would affect others until
I came here. i have been a lurker for a long time, and have also been part
of other support groups for what seems like forever. Please don't blame
yourself. I feel for your child, and now that I have a child of my own can
have some inkling of how it must feel. I cannot really understand your
loss, but can understand your daugter to some degree. Most likely she was
so overwhelmed by what she felt was insurmountable that she couldn't think
of what the consequences really were.
The best thing you can do for her is to remember her the way you loved her,
the little things she did that made you proud, and the ways she loved * you
*. It may not be much consolation, but I hope it helps. And don't be
afraid to tell her story -- and yours, in time. It was stories like yours
that stopped me from taking my own life.
Thank you,
Dahlhia
----- Original Message -----
From: Mark Serbian <MarkS...@Home.com>
Newsgroups: alt.support.grief.suicide
Sent: Monday, January 07, 2002 11:55 PM
Subject: My daughter died today...
> ...and I do not know what to do. She was (is?) Megan Joy Serbian. For
> reasons I will never understand, she threw herself off an apartment
building
> in Hollywood at about 6:15 this morning and died at the bottom. She was
22.
> She was my little girl.
>
> Over the Christmas holidays, I got to tell her how much I loved her and
how
> proud I was of her. And now she's gone and I've got a hole in my heart
that
> I don't know how to fill.
>
> I *know* it's not my fault, but I'll never, ever, stop asking what I did
> wrong or didn't do right. I *know* she made her own decisions, but I'll
> never, ever stop wondering if I could have helped in some way. All the
> "advice" in the world will never, ever stop me from wondering if I could
> have changed this outcome in some way.
>
> I do not know what to do. I am an amateur at death and have little
> experience to draw on. How do I know what to do next? How do I handle
this
> pain? What do I say to friends who want to help? What about ... all
these
> things I must now do? How do people learn to do these things? When are
> they allowed to forget? When will this howling in my heart stop?
>
> My family is torn, our souls are smaller now, and I do not know what to
do.
Pat Reiss
I'm so very sorry for your loss. Having been through the hell of surviving
a loved ones suicide (my brother) and having to attend to the details
immediately after his death, may I offer a few suggestions? First, contact
your family physician and ask him to prescribe something to help you get
through the next few days. Planning and attending the viewing and funeral
will be made easier if you have something to take the edge off. Celebrate
her life - play her favorite music, have her friends talk about her - be
sure to involve your whole family in the arrangements - even young children
if there are any. They need to make their feelings known. I just heard a
song on New Year's Day on the Today Show sung by a young man named Josh
Groban (his website is www.joshgroban.com) It is called To Where You Are
and if you go to his site you can listen to it. As I listened to this
beautiful voice sing a beautifully sad song, all I could think about was my
brother. There is nothing wrong with listening to things that make us cry -
hiding from our feelings is what will delay healing. Keep your family and
friends close to you now more than ever and don't be afraid to express
whatever you are feeling. Please take care of yourself - try to get as much
rest as you can, even if you can't sleep. I'm so sorry Mark. Please email
me if I can be of any help.
Pat
Miami, FL
"Mark Serbian" <MarkS...@Home.com> wrote in message
news:VQv_7.17871$dG.96...@news1.rdc1.sdca.home.com...
Chris
what to say but ......i pray for you and your family i could imagine the
devistation to your life must be unbearable
Tom~n~Sharon
devastating...I cannot even begin to understand. Just know that you did
the best you possibly could. I know that is probably very hollow to you
right now. Thoughts are with you!
hatty
Pat Reiss <sre...@mediaone.net> wrote in message
news:iYr%7.32388$CS6.7...@typhoon.jacksonville.mediaone.net...
> There is nothing wrong with listening to things that make us cry -
> hiding from our feelings is what will delay healing
How true Pat. There is music that even now, 4.5 years later, can sink me to
my knees and throw me back to square one. I can be in CD shop, hear a tune,
close my eyes and tears will fall.
hatty
Eric Jarvis
says...
For a Dancer by Jackson Browne
If You're Feeling Sinister by Belle and Sebastian
Local Boy In A Photograph by The Stereophonics
all completely crack me up every time...I've been trying to play the
first for nearly twenty years, the other two for over a year...I've
managed to get all the way through the first a couple of times since my
father killed himself...I've yet to manage to sing all the way through
either of the others
one day
--
eric
"if at first you don't succeed,
then try again with it switched on"
hatty
Eric Jarvis <nos...@last.dircon.co.uk> wrote in message
news:MPG.16af69059...@News.dial.pipex.com...
> In article <u49v54s...@corp.supernews.com>, ha...@globalnet.co.uk
> says...
> >
> > Pat Reiss <sre...@mediaone.net> wrote in message
> > news:iYr%7.32388$CS6.7...@typhoon.jacksonville.mediaone.net...
> > > There is nothing wrong with listening to things that make us cry -
> > > hiding from our feelings is what will delay healing
> >
> > How true Pat. There is music that even now, 4.5 years later, can sink me
to
> > my knees and throw me back to square one. I can be in CD shop, hear a
tune,
> > close my eyes and tears will fall.
> >
>
> For a Dancer by Jackson Browne
> If You're Feeling Sinister by Belle and Sebastian
> Local Boy In A Photograph by The Stereophonics
BT - Remember
Candi Staton - You Got The Love
I can listen to the first but it makes my one dog cry. I played it endlessly
in those first few weeks to drown out my sobs. The second, not really my
sort of music, but I was in HMV and it came on, I sank to my knee's. The
security person came and tried to help me. His eyes looked so frightened and
confused, at the pain in mine I guess.
"Please, let us help you" he said
I was shaking my head, blinded by tears, the entire store was staring, I was
trying to say I was sorry, then I ran. Fled.
BTs Flaming June - is the music I thought should have been played at his
funeral, but they chose some irrelevant populist shite.
> all completely crack me up every time...I've been trying to play the
> first for nearly twenty years, the other two for over a year...I've
> managed to get all the way through the first a couple of times since my
> father killed himself...I've yet to manage to sing all the way through
> either of the others
A small thing.Probably nothing. My imagination? But Eric, its very rare,
that you mention your loss in such a first person way. I knew it was your
father that you lost so you must have mentioned it at some points on the
group. Its probably nothing.
> one day
I think so.
hatty
Kirstie Pexton
hatty <ha...@globalnet.co.uk> wrote in message
news:u4ceane...@corp.supernews.com...
>
> Eric Jarvis <nos...@last.dircon.co.uk> wrote in message
> news:MPG.16af69059...@News.dial.pipex.com...
> > In article <u49v54s...@corp.supernews.com>, ha...@globalnet.co.uk
> > says...
> > >
> > > Pat Reiss <sre...@mediaone.net> wrote in message
> > > news:iYr%7.32388$CS6.7...@typhoon.jacksonville.mediaone.net...
> > > > There is nothing wrong with listening to things that make us cry -
> > > > hiding from our feelings is what will delay healing
Oh god yes!
When I listen to Shakespeare's sister, 'Stay with me' i get a reall lump in
my throat. My father used to play it whilst we were in the UK waiting for
'The day'. I'm sure he was playing it for my mother but she obviously didn't
listen. Also we played Michael Bolton's ,'When I'm back on my feet again' at
the funeral and although it's nearly ten years later I cannot get through
that song. My mother played Abba songs alot when I was small and I have such
vivid memories - one is listening to 'The winner takes it all' whilst
painting a bedroom- terrible really when one thinks about it. I must have
been about five years old at the time.
As to time heals all, well I'm still waiting.
kirstie
Eric Jarvis
>
> As to time heals all, well I'm still waiting.
>
it doesn't...makes a nice easy line to put in a song,
but it isn't true...time just lets the wound scar over
OTOH it isn't easy to write about succinctly enough for
a song...I've been trying nigh on fifteen years and so
far have just wasted time and paper
Eric Jarvis
>
> A small thing.Probably nothing. My imagination? But Eric, its very rare,
> that you mention your loss in such a first person way. I knew it was your
> father that you lost so you must have mentioned it at some points on the
> group. Its probably nothing.
>
over the last few years I've been concentrating on how I
go forward and not on looking back...that's getting a
little difficult at the moment since I've just started
getting treatment for PTSD relating to something else,
and I'm having to spend time remembering
I may well end up doing some genuine "my loss" posts
some time soon
hatty
> hatty wrote:
> >
> > A small thing.Probably nothing. My imagination? But Eric, its very rare,
> > that you mention your loss in such a first person way. I knew it was
your
> > father that you lost so you must have mentioned it at some points on the
> > group. Its probably nothing.
> >
>
> over the last few years I've been concentrating on how I
> go forward and not on looking back...that's getting a
> little difficult at the moment since I've just started
> getting treatment for PTSD relating to something else,
> and I'm having to spend time remembering
Stick with it. It may be a very painful journey but I know it will be worth
it in the end. Your a nice bloke Eric, you deserve some peace. I am so sorry
I did not realise you were having such a hard time. Thats the thing with
good people who are there for others, sometimes we forget to ask how they
are and their whole world might be crumbling.
>
> I may well end up doing some genuine "my loss" posts
> some time soon
Or put them on the net somewhere and just give people the url. I don't feel
able to post the entire "my story" on a public group, so I,m thinking of
doing this myself.
take care
hatty
hatty
Kirstie Pexton <kirstie...@terra.es> wrote in message
news:b5I18.43210$L27....@telenews.teleline.es...
> Oh god yes!
> When I listen to Shakespeare's sister, 'Stay with me' i get a reall lump
in
> my throat.
Yes. I never liked that song or appreicated the emotion in the vocal. But I
do now.
hatty
ma...@californiajazz.com
Ever buy a red Volkswagen? Suddenly, everywhere you look are red VW's buzzing about. There's a song I san to Megan when she was little - "Soon it's gonna rain" - that pops up with alarming regularity. It's Megan checking in and saying hello. Or just blind, screaming randomness. Or maybe The Universe messing with me. Either way, when I hear the song, I find myself crying - STILL - after all these years.
I got through the details of funerals, family, the stuff we have to do. I spent three years attending Survivors of Suicide groups, until I felt myself come full-circle, and stopped. I consider returning from time to time, but I dunno if I could. there's too much pain there...
To those of you who responded, I hope that your lives have proceeded in beautiful ways (whatever that might mean to you), and I wanted to let you know that your words were all so every helpful - in 2002 and still today as I wrestle with all "this stuff".
I've lived, but sometimes don't know why...
Love to you all!
- Mark
Just Me
I don't usually read here. I was scrolling through newsgroups looking
for a different one, and I saw this group and was curious about whether
or not it was active, and read your post.
I am very sorry you lost someone you loved so much. I haven't lost a
child, but I've lost people I was very close to, and it's unusual for me
to read about someone who still feels the pain of loss so many years
later. As I do. I wish I had suggestions or "magic words" of support.
I'm sure you've heard and read them all over the years.
I was going to just close this window and move on with my newsgroup
search, but I wanted to let you know someone read this, and that I'm
sorry for what all of you, including your daughter, have been through.
I hope you have a peaceful and happy 2020.
.
In article <5614bbfa-0b90-4aee...@googlegroups.com>,