Can I introduce myself and complain, two for the price of one?

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Beth Mly

May 31, 1999, 3:00:00 AM5/31/99
Hello to all of you who are so familiar to me.
I started reading this newsgroup in the summer of 1997.

I have had an eating disorder for over half of my life. I have some limited,
minor physical problems as a result. Nothing that compares to certain others
here, though.

I have been so bitter lately. Hospitalization has been recommended to me on
several occasions, from 1991 to last Wednesday. I have never been able to do
it because I have no insurance. Remuda was discussing a "scholarship" with me
for a few months, but backed out, disappeared, and left me feeling that I
wasn't good enough to deserve it. All of the posts recently about Shell have
me feeling so sorry for myself. She deserves the help more than anything in
the world, one person's life is priceless, and if they are willing to fight
they should be given the chance at any cost. But I guess I wonder why I am the
one who gets...ignored. I am the one who is not priceless.

I have an old friend from high school who has been inpatient quite a few times
and is talking about going again even though she doesn't want to. Her
insurance will pay for a week, who cares, Just Do It! It is better than doing
what I do, which is getting up, crying in the shower, driving to work, crying
in the car, and somehow being hauled through another day by luck or chance or a
god that I do not understand. What good does a week do to someone like that,
and what does that take away from people like me? There was a post here
recently about someone who knew someone who had been inpatient over 20 times?!
I would have given my right big toe for one of those. One. And the 48 Hours
on Alicia. Yes, one person's life is priceless and anyone who wants help
deserves it but clearly there were many times she was in a hospital an an
ungodly expense, and did not have any interest in being there and utterly
refused to cooperate, and yes I saw the older 48 Hours where they showed her
purging in the hospital.

I don't understand how I can be so unimportant. I want to believe that I
deserve a chance, it is the rest of the world that seems to tell me I do not.

I know a lot of people here complain about weights and numbers and sizes and
calories and foods and spoiler this and spoiler that but honestly those things
do not trigger me at all. The unequal distribution of love is my one and only
trigger. Always has been and always will be. I don't care if you post that
you weigh 22 pounds. I don't care if you shop in the infant section. I don't
care if you've eaten nothing but celery for 19 months. What bothers me is when
someone cares about you, or is willing to help you, or when you have an
opportunity and squander it, when you get some form of love and act like it is
nothing worth having.

And I know what some will say to this: that the hospitalization did them no
good, that it is not a cure-all, that behaviorist approches dominate and do not
work. I know that in Wasted, Marya Hornbacher says something about how she
eventually decided to get better all on her own, and those hospitalizations,
how many were there, did not help all that much. That is roughly equivalent to
Bill Gates telling me that you don't need money to be happy. I am not looking
for a magic cure, I am looking for a chance that many have had. I am looking
for the reason that I don't get a chance. I don't know if this has been
coherent at all. I am sick and am not concentrating well.

"We too must suffer all the suffering around us. What each of us possess is
not a body but a process of growth, and it conducts us through every pain, in
this form or in that. Just as the child unfolds through all the stages of life
to old age and death so we unfold through all the sufferings of this world. In
this process there is no place for justice, but no place either for dread of
suffering or for the interpretation of suffering as a merit."
~ Kafka


May 31, 1999, 3:00:00 AM5/31/99
Hi Beth,

I hear your pain. I too can feel very bitter and jealous
when it seems like others get things handed to them
that I wish I could get. You haven't been ignored.
You too are priceless, we all are. Shell has
worked long and hard for her opportunity at
Westwind, and I think everyone here is so happy
for her and pulling for her. That doesn't mean that
we can't care about you too.

Have you contacted Remuda to find out why
they disappeared? It may be some stupid
bureaucratic reason like someone went on
vacation or your papers got put at the bottom
of the pile. In these cases, you may have
to push. Do you have a therapist who
could help you with this?

Wish I could help you more, because I care
that you are in pain. It brings tears to my
eyes when I read the pain that some of us
are in. It so totally sucks to have an ED,
it can be so isolating and shameful,
but we are not alone if we can
support each other.

remove Tel Aviv Israel to reply


May 31, 1999, 3:00:00 AM5/31/99
Hello Beth,

I can fully empathise with you. Although I received inpatient treatment for
anorexia when I was 17 it was my personal tutor and my college counsellor
who persuaded my to seek medical help NOT my parents - they barely seemed to
notice. My mother even did her best to dissuade me from going into
hospital. (She is a psychiatric nurse - maybe she felt that she would be
denigrated by her colleagues for having a daughter with a psychiatric
problem). I am ashamed to admit this but I always feel a slight twinge of
envy when I hear/read of parents doing their utmost to get medical help for
their children. In the past 8 years I have been hospitalised numerous times
but because I now have a multiple diagnosis I am always sent to general
psychiatric wards where the staff have no training in the treatment of eds
rather than ed units.

I think you have misread Shell's situation. She too is uninsured. I gained
the impression from her posts that she has been seeking help for years but
has been denied it because of her lack of medical insurance.

Let me reiterate what others have said - you too are priceless. We all are.


**********'RIE & BELLA THE CAT**********
^ ^
o o
> : <
Beth Mly <> wrote in message

NO Custom

May 31, 1999, 3:00:00 AM5/31/99
>Shell has
>worked long and hard for her opportunity at

hi everybody-
i just wanted to offer some hope/advice to anyone who has been thinking
about shelley's trip to westwind. shelley and i are in the same anad group
down here in new orleans, and we are the ones that held the crawfish boil
benefitting shelley's recovery. i know she has received some generous
donations from some friends via the internet, but the bulk of the money that
was raised was here in our city.
seriously, if anad can coax people in new orleans ( a city that really REALLY
loves to eat) to pay attention to eating disorders, there is hope for everyone.
shelley was pretty involved in the whole process, which is why i think she has
much to be proud about in regards to this treatment- a lot of it comes straight
from her own blood, sweat, and tears. if you are in a similar situation and
have no shot at insurance, perhaps you can get together with some friends and
plan some fundraising of your own. i don't mean to sound like a cheerleader,
but i think i can speak for the anad group when i say we didn't realize that
something like this could be done. if anyone has any questions, or wants to
know more about what we did in terms of fundraising for a specific cause (cause
being shelley's trip to westwind) let me know-i think it was a great project,
and it would be even better if we all started fundraising and educating...just
a thought

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