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Oct 2, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/2/97

There was a fella with a parrot. This parrot would swear
like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five
minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy
who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul
mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so
the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and
yells, "QUIT IT!" This makes the bird mad and he swears
more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says: "OK for you."
and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates
the bird, he claws, scratches, and when the guy finally
lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities
that would make a veteran sailor blush.

Totally disgusted the guy is so mad that he throws the bird
into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible
din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly
gets *VERY* quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he
starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of
minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the
freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and
says: "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my
best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man was astounded. He can't understand the
transformation that has come over the parrot! Then the
parrot says: "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

Poor parrot, he was afraid to suffer the same fate,
that is, become a roasting chicken:)



Oct 3, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/3/97

Q: How do blonde braincells die ?
A: Alone.

Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A1: Blow in her ear.
A2: Buy her another beer.

Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.

Q: What will she ask you?
A: "Is it mine?"

Q: How do you get a blonde off of your knees?
A: Come.

Q: How does a blond spell farm?
A: E-I-E-I-O

Q: How does a blond kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.

Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal
her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are
all in the middle row.

Q: How does a blonde hold her liquor?
A: By the ears.

A: They're both down under, and no one cares.

A: When they aren't upright, they're grand.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like Hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

Q: What do you call a blonde golfer with an IQ of 125?
A: a foursome.

Q: What do you give the blonde that has everything?
A: Penicillin.

Q: What do you call a blond mother-in-law?
A: An air bag.

Q: What nickname is most used by blondes in order to boost
their popularity?
A: B.J.

Q: Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
A: To avoid the draft.

Q: Why should you never take a blonde out for coffee?
A: It's too hard to re-train them.

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds
her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange
juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.

Q: Why did the blonde take two hits of acid?
A: She wanted to go on a round trip.

Q: Why did the blonde snort Nutra-Sweet?
A: She thought it was diet coke.

A: It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed

A: The noise gave her a headache.

A: From trying to blow out lightbulbs.

Q: Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
A: She heard that the drinks were on the house.

Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route.

Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

Q: What's the definition of a metallurgist?
A: A man who can tell if a platinum blonde is a virgin metal
or a common ore.

Q: What is the difference between a dead blonde in the road, and

a dead skunk in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

A: Elvis has been sighted.

A: Some traffic signs say stop.



Oct 3, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/3/97

"How I Met My Wife"

by Jack Winter/The New Yorker

It had been a rough day, so when I walked into the party I was very
chalant, despite my efforts to appear gruntled and consolate.

I was furling my wieldy umbrella for the coat check when I saw her
standing alone in a corner. She was a descript person, a woman in a
state of total array. Her hair was kempt, her clothing shevelled, and
she moved in a gainly way.

I wanted desperately to meet her, but I knew I'd have to make bones
about it since I was traveling cognito. Beknownst to me, the hostess,
whom I could see both hide and hair of, was very proper, so it would
be skin off my nose if anything bad happened. And even though I had
only swerving loyalty to her, my manners couldn't be peccable. Only
toward and heard-of behavior would do.

Fortunately, the embarrassment that my maculate appearance might
cause was evitable. There were two ways about it, but the chances that
someone as flappable as I would be ept enough to become persona
grata or a sung hero were slim. I was, after all, something to sneeze
at, someone you could easily hold a candle to, someone who usually
aroused bridled passion.

So I decided not to risk it. But then, all at once, for some apparent
reason, she looked in my direction and smiled in a way that I could
make heads or tails of.

I was plussed. It was concerting to see that she was communicado,
and it nerved me that she was interested in a pareil like me, sight
seen. Normally, I had a domitable spirit, but, being corrigible, I
felt capacitated--as if this were something I was great shakes at--and
forgot that I had succeeded in situations like this only a told number
of times. So, after a terminable delay, I acted with mitigated gall
and made my way through the ruly crowd with strong givings.

Nevertheless, since this was all new hat to me and I had no time to
prepare a promptu speech, I was petuous. Wanting to make only
called-for remarks, I started talking about the hors d'oeuvres, trying
to abuse her of the notion that I was sipid, and perhaps even bunk a
few myths about myself.

She responded well, and I was mayed that she considered me a savory
character who was up to some good. She told me who she was. "What a
perfect nomer," I said, advertently. The conversation become more and
more choate, and we spoke at length to much avail. But I was
defatigable, so I had to leave at a godly hour. I asked if she wanted
to come with me. To my delight, she was committal. We left the party
together and have been together ever since. I have given her my love,
and she has requited it.



Oct 4, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/4/97

- Our marriage was a love match plain and simple, she was plain and I
was simple!

- The first part of our marriage was very happy, then on the way back
from the church....

- There's only one thing that keeps me from being happily married - my

- My wife gave up sex for Lent and I didn't notice till Christmas.

- Well, I can remember where and when I got married, but why?

Wife to husband:

Before we got married you told me you were well off ?
Husband to wife: I was! and I didn't know it!

Older man to young woman:
I'd like you for my wife
Young woman to older man:
What would your wife want with me?

Wife to husband: I think I'd look good in something long and flowing.

Husband to wife: I could throw you in the river?

Husband to friend: Do you know what it means to me to go
home to a really good meal in a clean and tidy home?
Friend: You've gone to the wrong house?

Wife to friend:
- My husband put some magic back in our marriage -
He disappeared!
- I just got back from a pleasure trip - I drove my
husband to the airport!
- I've never forgotten the day I got married - and don't think I
haven't tried hard!
- The only thing my husband and I have in common is we got
married on the same day!


- Isn't a word - its a sentence!
- Is a fine institution - but who wants to live in an institution!
- Is a good way for a woman to keep active till the right man
comes along!
- Is a very good thing - but don't make a habit of it!

Every Man needs a wife.
Because you can't blame everything that goes wrong
on the government!

Husband to wife: Why do you keep reading our marriage licence?
Wife to Husband: I'm looking for a loophole!

Husband to wife:
I've put up with that intefering old hag for 10 years
- your mother will have to go!
Wife to Husband:
My mother? But I though she was your mother!

Friend to Wife:
Do you think your husband is hard to please?
Wife: I really don't know - I've never tried?

Friend to Wife:
Why do you think your husband is tired of you?
Wife: Well, I haven't seen him for 5 years!



Oct 4, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/4/97

Religions As Businesses

* Whilst being accosted by a certain aggressive Fundamentalist sect
the other day it dawned on me that the major world's religions have
fundamental mindsets, styles, and procedures not unlike those of
popularly-known businesses. For example, consider the world's major

% HINDUISM: Much like an import market -- a wide variety of curios,
trinkets, bizarre weapons, and grotesque statuary; colorful, gaudy,
elaborate, and of questionable taste. The building has several
floors but there are no stairs between them.

% BUDDHISM: An arts shop with a range of elegant and sophisticated
curios pleasing to the eye and harmonious to the mind, though not
necessarily of much practical use. However, you must buy one of
everything ... but if you just want to browse, that's OK too.

% JUDAISM: A large banking concern that's been in the family for
generations. Plush carpet, nice leather chairs, memorabilia of the
past arranged on the walls; generally they prefer to deal with
insiders but if your money's good they'll talk a deal.

% ISLAM: A going concern but it's hard to say precisely in what
business. Active in oil trading but the front door usually has a
CLOSED -- GET LOST sign on it. Those who venture in the front
door anyway may not be seen again for several years except in
fuzzy videotapes and mumbling that they are still in good health.

Since we in the West are familiar with a wide variety of different
Christian sects, it is appropriate to take a more specific focus (as
we would not, say, on Sunni versus Shiite Islam, despite the glaring
differences between these two often-hostile factions):

% CATHOLICISM: Less a single business than an entire shopping mall
governed by centralized management and providing a range of services
from educational tools to some *extremely* high-class antique shops.
Note, however, that when you go in the entrance the sign says: THE
MANAGEMENT IS ALWAYS RIGHT -- and they *mean* it.

% MORMONISM: A large Western-Wear Feed-and-Grain store with
a large stock of plain goods at reasonable prices, and an aggressive
international door-to-door and mail-order program. Very much a
family concern but governed by an ideological background capable of
reducing an innocent passerby to a state of catatonia in matter of

% BAPTISM: A southern barbecue pit -- but no music, no dancing,
and the bar is always closed. If you seem to be enjoying yourself,
you will be asked to leave.

% JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES: The Franklin Mint of religions ... roughly
aimed at the same economic and intellectual level and producing goods
of similar style and taste.

% UNITARIANISM: A book-of-the-month club that refuses to
actually state what their policy is but in reality deals in large,
heavy, dull books with obscure titles, tiny print, massive numbers of
footnotes, and no pictures. Going slowly out of business.

And last but not least:

% $CIENTOLOGY: Comparing $cientology to a business is redundant.



Oct 5, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/5/97

This woman goes out to buy a dress.

She finds one that she thinks is okay

She goes home and tries it on....
Twists around, does a few different poses
- looks at herself from every angle in the mirror.

She can't make up her mind and takes it off and
waits for her husband to arrive home

Quickly she puts back the dress on

Comes out and says to her husband
"Darling - Do you think this dress makes
me look too fat??????" 8-0

Comes the husbands reply....
"No Darling of course not......
but all the chocolates you eat do!!!!"



Oct 5, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/5/97

Famous Quotes

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." --Popular
Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." --Thomas
Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked
with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a
fad that won't last out the year." --The editor in charge of business
books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"But what ... is it good for?" --Engineer at the Advanced Computing
Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." --Ken
Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp.,

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered
as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to
us." --Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would
pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" --David Sarnoff's
associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in
the 1920s.

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn
better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." --A Yale University
management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing
reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal
Express Corp.)

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" --H.M. Warner, Warner
Brothers, 1927.

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not
Gary Cooper." --Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading
role in "Gone With The Wind."

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports
say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you
make." --Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields'

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
--Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." --Lord Kelvin,
president, Royal Society, 1895.

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The
literature was full of examples that said you can't do this."
--Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M
"Post-It" Notepads.

"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing,
even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about
funding us? Or we' ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our
salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went
to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You
haven't got through college yet.'" --Apple Computer Inc. founder
Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and
Steve Wozniak's personal computer.

"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and
reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against
which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily
in high schools." --1921 New York Times editorial about Robert
Goddard's revolutionary rocket work.

"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across
all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You
just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable
condition of weight training." --Response to Arthur Jones, who solved
the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus.

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil?
You're crazy." --Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his
project to drill for oil in 1859.

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
--Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." --Marechal
Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

"Everything that can be invented has been invented." --Charles H.
Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction". --Pierre
Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the
intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon". --Sir John Eric Ericksen,
British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." --Bill Gates, 1981



Oct 5, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/5/97

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It
you of impending hard disk attack -- once if by LAN, twice if by C.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead
to itself as an "electonic microorganism."

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of
old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first
see a
counselor about possible aternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just
before the
whole thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB,
then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you

THE MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you are
for the AT&T virus.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning any child
without joining into a binary network.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS 2: Their is sumthing rong with your compueter, ewe
can't figyour out watt.

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic
says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people
really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of
units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim
to be
the most important part of the computer.

GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent
their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin

RANDALL TERRY VIRUS: Print "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose
from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure it's bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS: Hard to identify because it is constantly
its appearance. The virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically
a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the

AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own

PBS VIRUS: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self
destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations
rural America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Turns your printer into a document shredder.

NIKE VIRUS: Just Does It!

SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power
supply, and a set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Nobody can find it.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: Runs every program on the hard drive
but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up
subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on
shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone

HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong,
send you a bill for $4,500.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my new
files!" on the screen, proceeds to fill up all the free space on your
drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.

CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a

LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your
PC and
erases them in "self-defense."

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last
the reviews, but you still love it.
Back to Computer Jokes

Back to Tina's Humor Archives main page



Oct 5, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/5/97


Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward.
Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant.
Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35;
Chicken or Beef $2.25;
Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with
thick legs and large drawers

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and
get an extra pair to take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery.
We do it carefully by hand.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis
Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain,
and Chopin.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge.
Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts,
comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family
appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so
serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

We build bodies that last a lifetime.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Wanted: chambermaid in rectory.
Love in, $200 a month.
References required.

Man wanted to work in dynamite
factory. Must be willing to travel.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Three-year-old teacher need for pre-school.
Experience preferred.

Our experienced Mom will care of your child.
Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery.
Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion.
Blue Cross and salary.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person
to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable
of contributing to growth of family.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round
bottom for efficient beating.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size,
unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension
in your home for $1.00.


Oct 5, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/5/97
to Gene

Gene wrote:
> =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
> Musings on the English Language
> =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
> neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

You can blame pineapple on Captain Cook who, upon seeing his first
Ananas said, "Looks like a Pine Apple". Damn wrod stuck.


Oct 5, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/5/97
to Gene

"Remember men, Take no prisoners." George Armstrong Custer.


Oct 5, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/5/97

Hungarian is a difficult language to learn and
the Hungarians are very lazy at learning another
language. One day a frantic man ran up to two
Hungarians on the street and said,

"Do you speak English?"

They shook their head, NO

"Parlez vous Francais?"

Again NO


Again NO


Again NO

The man ran off.

One Hungarian said to the other, " You know,
maybe we should learn another language?"

To which his friend replied, "Why? That guy
spoke four and he still didn't get what he wanted."

Thanks Catherine:)



Oct 6, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/6/97


In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity
from our employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees
well-trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY
TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our employees more
S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job,
please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top
of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers ,who are especially skilled at
S.H.I.T. like this, will see that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can
handle. Since all of our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were
promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of
S.H.I.T. already.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. seriously will be placed in
(D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.).
Those who fail to get into D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. will have to go to the

If you enjoy taking S.H.I.T., you may be interested in job-training
others and begin giving S.H.I.T. In order to give S.H.I.T., you must
(B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Only those full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get
all the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can later apply for promotion to DIRECTOR

If you have any further questions, please feel free to direct them to
(H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)



Oct 6, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/6/97


Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!

Q: How do blonde braincells die ?
A: Alone.

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!

Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just dyed her hair.

Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it
blown around too much.

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?
A: She didn't like it 'cos she couldn't get channel 9....

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!

Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those
little packages.

Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their
A: All you can eat, under a buck.

Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.

Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earings?
A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.

Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more
A: Her ankles.

Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.

Q: Why do Blondes like the GST? (GST -- Goods and Services Tax
now in effect in Canada)
A: Because they can spell it.

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.

Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."

Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A1: Introduces themself.
A2: Walks home.

Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
A: More leg room.

Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"

Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
A: Data transfer.

Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A: Because they don't know any better.

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: "What's a lightbulb?"
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"
A4: None. They can't fit.

Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine?
A: "Daaaady, I want to go to Miaaami!"

Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.

Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart
blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill.
Who picks it up?
A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus,
the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.

Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q: Why do Blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.

Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.

Q: But why do brunettes take the pill ?
A: Wishful Thinking.

Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the
ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.

Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!

Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.

Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Q: How do you drown a blond?
A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.

Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A: Don't tell her to swallow.

Q: Why did the blonde chick drown in the pool ?
A: Someone left a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?
A1: 10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.
A2: to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.

Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.

Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.

Q: How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

Q: How does a blonde high-5?
A: She smacks herself in the forehead.

Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around
and come home?
A: It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a

Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.

Q: Why do blondes always die before help arrives?
A: They always forget the 11 in 9-1-1.

Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.

Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.

Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.

Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.

Q: What do you call a blond with a bag of sugar on her head ?
A: Sweet nothing...

Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
A: Frosted Flakes.

Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes.

Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's hide-and-seek champ.

Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A Space Invader.

Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.

Q: What do you call a smart blond?
A: A labrador.

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Doughnut seeds!"

Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.

Q: What's a blonds' favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.

Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.

Q: Why do blondes drive VW's
A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE!!

Q: How do you make a blond laugh on Monday mornings ?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night !

Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.

Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.

Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling ?
A: A blond electrician

Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A1: So brunettes can remember them.
A2: Because blonds are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit.

Q: Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"

Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetise them.

Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see
where the sun went ? It finally dawned on here.

A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw
a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute,
she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home.

On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said
"CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she
had cleaned 43 restrooms.

How about the suicide blonde,
she dyed by her own hand.

A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette
says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie". The blonde stops,
looks up, and says, "Where?"

A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the
wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the
people were leaving.

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of
them decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing
a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and
we all fell and hurt ourselves.

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead,
and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and
estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to
try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really
tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired
to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made
I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and
starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more
endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even
got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think
I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles,
15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight,
but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.

Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down
and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks
and says "Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No.
Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguing, and one
half hour later they were both killed by a train.

Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of
their Mercedes with a coat hanger.

Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting
to rain and the top is down!

Did you hear about the blonde who:
had more on her body than on her mind?
was called "Sanka" because she had no active ingredient in the bean?
took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?
was an M.D. - Mentally Deficient?
had a terrific stairway, but nothing upstairs?
thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?
was told she was a silly puss, but insisted she didn't have a crazy
after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller
girls? brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?

Q: What's the difference between a blond and a shopping cart.
A: A shopping cart has a mind of it's own.

Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death
in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on.
It's off.

Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.

Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A whine cellar.

Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold!

Q: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.

Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A: An Air Bag

Q: What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?
A: A thought.

Did you hear the one about the blonde who thought that
"love handles" referred to her ears?

Q: Why was the blonde staring at a can of frozen orange juice?

A: Because it said "concentrate"



Oct 7, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/7/97

Gene, I love this post!! of course, I had to forward it on to El Paso, TX
to Jim, my son. He will love it!
Love Ya,

Gene <> wrote in article
> USA Today:
> The Wall Street Journal:
> National Enquirer:
> Playboy:
> Microsoft Systems Journal:
> Victoria's Secret Catalog:
> Sports Illustrated:
> Wired:
> Rolling Stone:
> Readers Digest:
> 'BYE
> Discover Magazine:
> TV Guide:
> Lady's Home Journal:
> America Online:
> Inc. magazine:
> Microsoft's Web Site:
> Sun:
> NBC News:
> ~~~~~~~~~~~
> Gene
> Bathurst,N.B.
> Canada


Oct 7, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/7/97


Oct 8, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/8/97

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his
9th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor,
so he produced an experiment that involved a
glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the
professor putting a worm first into the water. The
worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm
in water could be.

The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed
painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as
a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?"
the professor asked.

Scott, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand
and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you
won't get worms."



Oct 8, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/8/97

She refuses to give him a divorce. She says, "I've
suffered with the bum for fifteen years, and now,
why I should make him happy?"
She's an angel... always up in the air and harping
on something.
I have been married thirty-six years and I don't
regret one day of it. The one unregrettable day
was July 8, 1953.
Wife:"I just got back from the beauty shop."
Husband: "What was the matter? Was it closed?"



Oct 10, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/10/97

This was sent to me I think by accident or whatever!!!! Thought you all might
enjoy it!!!!

Date: 97-10-09 13:19:16 EDT
From: LEPAT5
To: Sbstc
CC: MMorris883, LadeAnne,
CC: GBald59245,
CC:, Smurf 1495
CC: GrPrix96, SexyMorada, Foxygm, VUL123,
CC: Meforu2WA



20 More Words That Should Exist, But Don't.

1. ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to
drive and fold a road map at the same time.

2. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the
ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

3. AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point at which the
stream of drinking water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the
drinker from: (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself
in the eye.

4. BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take
any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.

5. BUZZACKS (buz' acks) n. People in phone marts who walk
around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even
when they know the phones are not connected.

6. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act,
when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least
a dozen times,reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then
putting it backdown to give the vacuum one more chance.

7. DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department
store by asking, "Do you work here?"

8. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy
you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will
somehow "remove" all the germs.

9. ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can
only be seen in the rear-view mirror.

10. EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of
you at the movies who, no matter which direction you lean in, follow

11. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people
maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

12. ELECELLERATION (el a sel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken
notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will

13. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be
swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room
until s/he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

14. LACTOMANGULATION (lak to man gyu lay' shun) n.
Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that
one has to resort to the "illegal" side.

15. NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb
struggling to come to life.

16. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose
sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want
ground pepper.

17. PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) adj. One who is embarrassed
to undress in front of a household pet.

18. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone
number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

19. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window
after a dog presses its nose to it.

20. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of
always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up,
even when you're six inches away.

Meforu2WA aka KarenWA on mIRC as well as here...AOL!!!!


Oct 10, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/10/97

Sixty blondes got on a bus and headed to Vancouver. Along the way
they passed a sign: "Limit: 50". So 10 got off. The rest continued
on their way. Eventually they passed another sign: "Vancouver: Left".
So they turned around and went home.



Oct 10, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/10/97

"Twenty (sic.) Something Betters"

From the movie "Roxanne", starring Steve Martin.

1. Obvious: Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your

2. Meteorological: Everybody take cover. She's going to blow.

3. Fashionable: You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you
wore something larger. Like ... Wyoming.

4. Personal: Well, here we are. Just the three of us.

5. Punctual: Alright gentlemen. Your nose was on time but you were
fifteen minutes late.

6. Envious: Oooo, I wish I were you. Gosh. To be able to smell your
own ear.

7. Naughty: Pardon me, Sir. Some of the ladies have asked if you
wouldn't mind putting that thing away.

8. Philosophical: You know. It's not the size of a nose that's
important. It's what's in it that matters.

9. Humorous: Laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze and it's
goodbye Seattle.

10. Commercial: Hi, I'm Earl Schibe and I can paint that nose for
11. Polite: Ah. Would you mind not bobbing your head. The orchestra
keeps changing tempo.

12. Melodic: Everybody! "He's got the whole world in his nose."

13. Sympathetic: Oh, What happened? Did your parents lose a bet
with God?

14. Complimentary: You must love the little birdies to give them this
to perch on.

15. Scientific: Say, does that thing there influence the tides.

16. Obscure: Oh, I'd hate to see the grindstone.

17. Inquiry: When you stop to smell the flowers, are they afraid?

18. French: Say, the pigs have refused to find any more truffles until
you leave.

19. Pornographic: Finally, a man who can satisfy two women at once.

20. Religious: The Lord giveth and He just kept on giving, didn't He.

21. Disgusting: Say, who mows your nose hair.

22. Paranoid: Keep that guy away from my cocaine!

23. Aromatic: It must be wonderful to wake up in the morning and
smell the coffee ... in Brazil.

24. Appreciative: Oooo, how original. Most people just have their
teeth capped.

25. Dirty: Your name wouldn't be Dick, would it?



Oct 11, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/11/97

New expressions:

HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS? - Can you drive a French motorcycle?

EX POST FUCTO - Lost in the mail

IDIOS AMIGOS - We're wild and crazy guys

VENI, VIPI, VICI - I came, I'm a very important person, I

COGITO, EGGO SUM - I think, therefore I waffle

RIGOR MORRIS - The cat is dead

RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID - Honk if you're Scottish

QUE SERA SERF - Life is feudal

LE ROI EST MORT, JIVE LE ROI - The king is dead. No kidding

POSH MORTEM - Death styles of the rich and famous

PRO BOZO PUBLICO - Support your local clown

MONAGE A TROIS - I am three years old

FELIX NAVIDAD - Our cat has a boat

HASTE CUISINE - Fast French food

VENI, VIDI, VICE - I came, I saw, I partied

QUIP PRO QUO - A fast retort

ALOHA OY - Love; greetings, farewell; from such a pain you
should never know

MAZEL TON - Tons of good luck

APRES MOE LE DELUGE - Curly and Larry got wet

PORT-KOCHERE - Sacramental wine

ICH LIEBE RICH - I'm really crazy about having dough

FUI GENERIS - What's mine is mine

VISA LA FRANCE - Don't leave your chateau without it

CA VA SANS DIRT - And that's not gossip

MERCI RIEN - Thanks for nothin'

AMICUS PURIAE - Platonic friend



Oct 11, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/11/97

Newsgroups: alt.adjective.noun.verb.verb.verb


















alt.TV's."Bill L."




Oct 11, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/11/97

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
Roseanne Barr: Urrrrrp. What chicken?
George Bush: To face a kinder, gentler thousand points of
Julius Caesar: To come, to see, to conquer.
Candide: To cultivate its garden.
Bill the Cat: Oop Ack.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own
Moses: Know ye that it is unclean to eat the chicken that
has crossed the
road, and that the chicken that crosseth the road doth so
for its own preservation.
Joseph Conrad: Mistah Chicken, he dead.
Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most
astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An
historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to
attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to
homo sapiens pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.
Salvador Dali: The Fish.
Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from
the trees.
Thomas Dequincy: Because it ran out of opium.
Rene Descartes: It had sufficient reason to believe it was
dreaming anyway.
Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.
Bob Dylan: How many roads must one chicken cross?
TS Eliot: Weialala leia / Wallala leialala.
TS Eliot (revisited): Do I dare to cross the road?
Epicures: For fun.
Paul Erdos: It was forced to do so by the chicken-hole
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it
transcended it.
Basil Fawlty: Oh, don't mind that chicken. It's from
Gerald R. Ford: It probably fell from an airplane and
couldn't stop its
forward momentum.
Sigmund Freud: The chicken obviously was female and
obviously interpreted the pole on which the crosswalk sign
was mounted as a phallic symbol of which she was envious,
Robert Frost: To cross the road less traveled by.
Zsa Zsa Gabor: It probably crossed to get a better look at
my legs, which, thank goodness, are good, dahling.
Gilligan: The traffic started getting rough; the chicken had
to cross. If not for the plumage of its peerless tail the
chicken would be lost, the chicken would be lost!
Johann Friedrich von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made
it do it.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road
the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
Adolf Hitler: It needed Lebensraum.
David Hume: Out of custom and habit.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and
we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on
Lee Iacocca: It found a better car, which was on the other
side of the road.
John Paul Jones: It has not yet begun to cross!
Martin Luther King: It had a dream.
James Tiberius Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone
Stan Laurel: I'm sorry, Ollie. It escaped when I opened the
Leda: Are you sure it wasn't Zeus dressed up as a chicken?
He's into that kind of thing, you know.
Gottfried Von Leibniz: In this best possible world, the road
was made for it to cross.
Groucho Marx: Chicken? What's all this talk about chicken?
Why, I had an uncle who thought he was a chicken. My aunt
almost divorced him, but we needed the eggs.
Karl Marx: To escape the bourgeois middle-class struggle.
Gregor Mendel: To get various strains of roads.
John Milton: To justify the ways of God to men.
Alfred E. Neumann: What? Me worry?
Sir Isaac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest.
Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.
Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the
(censored) reason.
Thomas Paine: Out of common sense.
Michael Palin: Nobody expects the banished inky chicken!
Wolfgang Pauli: There already was a chicken on the other
side of the road.
Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?
Ronald Reagan: I forget.
Georg Friedrich Riemann: The answer appears in Dirichlet's
John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the
transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed
himself of the opportunity.
Mr. Scott: 'Cos ma wee transporter beam was na functioning
properly. Ah canna work miracles, Captain!
William Shakespeare: I don't know why, but methinks I could
rattle off a hundred-line soliloquy without much ado.
Sisyphus: Was it pushing a rock, too?
Socrates: To pick up some hemlock at the corner druggist.
Mr. T: If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too!
Brad Templeton: Do you think I have time to answer questions
like that? I'm not a riddle-answering service. Anyway, I've
heard it before. (Moderator of Rec.humor.funny)
Margaret Thatcher: There was no alternative.
Dylan Thomas: To not go (sic) gentle into that good night.
Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all
the marrow out of life.
Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly
George Washington: Actually it crossed the Delaware with me
back in 1776. But most history books don't reveal that I
bunked with a birdie during the duration.
Mae West: I invited it to come up and see me sometime.
Walt Whitman: To cluck the song of itself.
William Wordsworth: To have something to recollect in
Molly Yard: It was a hen!
Henny Youngman: Take this chicken ... please.
Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.
Paul de Man: The chicken did not really cross the road
because one side and the other are not really opposites in
the first place.
Paul de Man: (uncovered after his death) So no one would
find out it wrote for a collaborationist Belgian newspaper
during the early years of World War II.
Jacques Lacan: Because of its desire for *object a*.
Roland Barthes: The chicken wanted to expose the myth of the
road, Michel Foucault: It did so because the discourse of
crossing the road left it no choice-the police state was
oppressing it.
Jacques Derrida: What is the *differance?* The chicken was
merely deferring from one side of the road to other. And
how do we get the idea of the chicken in the first place?
Does it exist outside of language?
Camille Paglia: It was drawn by the subconscious chthonian
power of the feminine which men can never understand, to
cross the road and focus itself on its task. Hens are not
capable of doing this-their minds do not work that
way. Feminism tries vainly to pretend there is no real
difference between them, falsely following Rousseau. But
de Sade has proved....
Ayn Rand: It was crossing the road *because of its own
rational choice to do so* There cannot be a collective
unconscious; desires are unique to each
Immanuel Kant: Because it was a duty.
James Joyce: Once upon a time a nicens little chicken named
baby tuckoo crossed the road and met a moocow coming
James Joyce: To forge in the smithy of its soul the
uncreated conscience of its race.
Leopold Bloom: Wonder why chickens cross roads. Must be
some law. Migration maybe. Mrs. Marion Bloom.
Molly Bloom: the chicken crossed the road well Poldy I dont
know why why do you worry about such stupid bloody things
O speaking of stupid bloody things here it comes again damn
it its only been three weeks I wonder is there something
wrong with me yes
Dice: To suck my dick, What can I tell you -OOOOOOOOOOH
Gilligan: The traffic started getting rough; the chicken had
to cross. If not for the plumage of its peerless tail the
chicken would be lost. The chicken would be lost!
Socrates: To pick up some hemlock at the corner druggist.
The Sphinx: You tell me.


Roy Skates

Oct 11, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/11/97

> Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't?
> Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed.
> Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the
> refrigerator.
> ****************************************************************************
> ***
> For a lot of people, marriage is a three-ring circus. You have the
> engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.
> ********************************************************************
> Marriage is grand and divorce is about 10 grand.
> ********************************************************************
> Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my
> pockets.
> ********************************************************************
> At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, Aren't you wearing your
> wedding ring on the wrong finger? The other replied, Yes I am, I married
> the wrong man.
> ********************************************************************
> Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man
> speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the
> man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the
> neighbors listen.
> ********************************************************************
> After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, You know, I was a fool when I
> married you. And the husband replied, Yes, dear, but I was in love and
> didn't notice it.
> ********************************************************************
> When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one
> thing: either the car is new or the wife is.....
> ********************************************************************
> BARTENDER: I think you've had enough sir.
> DRUNK: I just lost my wife, buddy
> BARTENDER: Well, it must be hard losing a wife...
> DRUNK: It was almost impossible
> ********************************************************************
> This guy goes to a party without his wife. He hears this other guy say to
> his wife pass the sugar, Honey. and pass the honey, Sugar. He thinks this
> sort of speech is a good idea. So, the morning when he and
> his wife are eating breakfast he says to his wife, Pass the bacon, Pig.
> ********************************************************************
> A man rushed home from work and exclaimed to his wife, Pack your bags, I've
> won the lottery. The wife excitedly asks, Should I pack clothes for cold
> or warm weather? He says, Pack'em all, your leaving....
> ********************************************************************
> A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish
> and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she
> leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was
> stunned for awhile but then smiled and said, It really works.
> ********************************************************************
> Some mornings I wake up grouchy...and some mornings I just let her
> sleep.
> POOR INNOCENT GUY QUOTE OF THE DAY: "He got me by the throat so that I
> could not speak and I asked him several times to let me go."--victim
> testifying during an assault case

Heard on Jay Leno 06/24/97, told by Lea Thompson (Caroline in the City)

A woman is looking at herself topless in the mirror. Her husband catches
herself feeling a little down.

Husband: Honey, what seems to be the problem?
Woman: My breasts aren't big enough
Husband: I have a solution, take a tissue and rub it in between the two
breasts everyday for a couple
of minutes
Woman: Sure that'll help?
Husband: Hell, look what it has done to your buttocks!!

Paul wrote:
> Free advice: You get what you pay for.

But what if I pay through the nose?
or have to pay an arm and a leg.
Does an arm and a leg come through my nose?
and what if I have to pay the piper?
is HE going to come through my nose too?
or just his arms and legs?
Now, let's see, if I rob Peter to pay Paul,
that's four more arms and legs plus two more noses,
what would I get for all that plus the piper,
and how are you going to get all that into my nose?

White Wolf
<------ Of all the things I ever lost, I miss my mind the most.------>

There is a chinese food restaraunt in Woodstock, Ontario called Phuk

<------ Of all the things I ever lost, I miss my mind the most.------>

> > >> >
> > >> > > > >: What's the thinnest book in the world?
> > >> > >
> > >> > > > >: The Book of German Humour.
> > >> > > > >
> > >> > > > >No it's not. The thinnest is "What German men know about
> > >> > >
> > >> > > How about
> > >> > >
> > >> > > The Negro Yachtsman
> > >> > >
> > >> > > A Thousand Years of Lesbian Humor
> > >> > >
> > >> > > The Comprehensive History of Automotive Dealer Business
> > >> >
> > >> > The old responses were:
> > >> >
> > >> > 1. 500 Years of German Humor
> > >> > 2. Polish Literary Giants
> > >> > 3. Italian War Heroes
> > >> > 4. Jewish Business Ethics
> > >> >
> > >>
> > >> 5. The Book of American Culture
> > >> 6. List of Americans who can correctly spell "perceive"
> > >
> >
> > How 'bout:
> >
> > - The English Book of Dentistry
> > - The Jewish Book of Etiquette
> > - (or) The Book of Jewish Sports Heros
> > - Irish Book of Cooking
> > - Russian Fashion Tips
> >
> How about
> The life of a typical a.h.p junkie. (ouch!!! :)
Let's try,
"Legal Integrity"

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked
beans. He loved them but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat
lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it
was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go
through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the
supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and
since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he
would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small
caf and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he
still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill
affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving
had three extra helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted
down one hill and putt-putted up the next. By the time he arrived home he
felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat
excited. She exclaimed, Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for
you for dinner tonight! She put a blindfold on him and led him to his
chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this
point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was
about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him
promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to
one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He
had a hard time breathing so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air
about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on.
He raised his leg and rriiippp!. It sounded like a diesel engine
revving, and it smelled worse than the first one. To keep from gagging, he
tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things
had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He
shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue
ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear
tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of
staying blindfolded , he carried on like this for the next ten minutes,
farting and then fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the
phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he
neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.
Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked
in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked him if he had peeked at the
dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the
blindfold and yelled, Surprise! To his shock and horror, there were twelve
dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise Birthday party.
Remove the word SPAM from @ddress

The Alligator

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the
alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make
you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside.
Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his
mouth and I'll remove my unit unscratched. In return for witnessing this
spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped
his pants, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The
gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard
on the top of it's head. The crowd cheered and the first of his free
drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's
willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd.

After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman
timidly spoke up.

"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer

An 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, died
together one day in a car crash. They had lived a long, healthy life mainly
due to her interest in health food, and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion
which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and
Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all
this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that was
right in back of their new home. They would have golfing privileges every
day and each week the course changed to a new one, representing the great
golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "what are the green fees?"
Peter's reply: "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the
cuisine of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it's free!" Peter replied with
some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol
tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part
... you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get
fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat
and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to
calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife
and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran
muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

" Hello?" the blonde responded answering the phone. Hearing no response,
she repeated, "Hello?"

"I'll bet you want me to come over and take you into the bedroom, undress
you, lick you from head to toe, and then make mad passionate love to you
until dawn." the male voice whispered.

"Scheesch ! You're good." she replied. "You mean you can tell all that
from two hellos ?"

Don't knock masterbation, it is being intimate with a friend.
As I once read, "If you don't enjoy masturbation, you only have yourself
to blame."

"Don't say anything bad about masturbation, after all it's a way to make
love to somebody you love !" -- Woody Allen

> > >Alternative names for the penis.
> > >
> > >Heat--seeking moisture missile
> >
> > Trouser snake
> Love connector rod
How about...

One-eyed custard cannon.
Purple-headed porridge gun.

# # ### #### # #
## # # # ###
# ### # # #
The beatings will continue until morale improves...

Dogs don't shop.
Dogs don't cry.
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs think you sing great.
A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
A dog's parents never visit.
Dogs understand that instinct is better than asking for directions.
Dogs don't hate their bodies.
It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.
Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet,
desk, and the back of your sock drawer.
Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
Dogs never lobby for foot-rubs.
Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.


Both usually look stupid in hats.
Both tend to have problems with their hips.
Both look good in fur.
Neither realizes that silence is golden.
Both constantly want back rubs.
You can never tell what either of them is thinking.
They both overvalue kissing.


It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman.



Received the following from Poor Innocent Guy Paul of Idaho:


We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I've got my period

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]

Yes = No

No = No

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it

Was that the baby?= Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes
to sleep

I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important

All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're
stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look
at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom
and did you bring your checkbook?


The same old thing = Nothing

Nothing = Everything

Everything = My PMS is acting up

Nothing, really = It's just that you're such a pain the butt

I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm still building up steam


"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry

"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy

"I'm tired" = I'm tired

"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!

"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you

"What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of

"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are
you going through now?

"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

"I'm bored" = Do you want to have sex?

"I love you" = Let's have sex now

"I love you, too" = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = I liked it better before

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = $50 and it doesn't look that much

"Let's talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep
person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me

"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with
other guys

"I like that one better" (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and
let's go home!

PIGS SITE OF THE DAY: Spin a story: Try your hand at writing a novel.

poor innocent guy quote of the day: "Mantle's a switch hitter because he's
amphibious."--Yogi Berra, baseball great


(:)PIGS (Poor Innocent Guys Society)
Dedicated to Poor Innocent Guys (victims of the wiles of women)
and the SLOTHS (Smart Ladies of the House)
who put up with them

There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual
disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic.
The chief dcotor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility,
when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway.
"What condition does he have?" the student asks.
"He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he
doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass into a
The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As
they turn the corner, he sees aother patient with his hospital gown pulled up
to his waist, receiving oral sex fom a beautiful nurse.
"What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?"
"Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He's just has a better
health plan."
Rodney And Cathy's Joke List
To subscribe go to:
or e-mail: with the words "subscribe joke list"
in the body of the message.

Australian aristocracy - they can trace their ancestry back to their

There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual
disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic.
The chief dcotor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility,
when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway.
"What condition does he have?" the student asks.
"He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he
doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass into a
The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As
they turn the corner, he sees aother patient with his hospital gown pulled up
to his waist, receiving oral sex fom a beautiful nurse.
"What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?"
"Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He's just has a better
health plan."

This is my fav. told to me by an Irishman

An airplane crashes with 100 Irish couples on board. Up in heaven
there is three lines forming. One says for wives, one say husbands that where
hen-pecked by their wives and one for husbunds that have not been.
Only one man
stands in the line of husbands that where not hen-pecked by their wives. St
Peter goes, "Why are you standing here???.
"Me wife told me to," was his response.

An Irishman was visiting his friend Pierre in the south of France, and
could not understand why Pierre attracted all the girls at the beach while he
got nothing. Pierre suggested tucking a potato into his swimsuit: "It drive
ze women wild!"
So the Irishman stuffed a potato in his suit and paraded up and down the
beach. Many hours later, still no luck. The Irishman goes back and says,
"I've tried it -- it doesn't work."
Pierre looked at the Irishman and said, "Perhaps you should put ze potato
in ze front?"

An Irish immigrant walks into the local bar and notices another man there
whom he thinks just has to be a fellow Irishman. So he sidles over to the
man and says, "Hey there you, you don't look like you were born around here.
No offense or rudeness meant, but where are you from?"
The man already at the bar says, "I was born 'pon the Emerald Isle, my
"Oh really? I'm an Irishman m'self! Where in Ireland were you born?"
"Over on the west side of Dublin."
"Such a coincidence! I'm from West Dublin too! What church did you go
to, my friend?"
"St. Mary of Sorrows, over on Alder Street."
"You don' say! That's the very same place where I went!"
Anyway, this goes on for awhile, the two of them thumping each other on
the back and buying drinks for each other. In the meantime, another man has
walked into the bar, notices all of this, and whispers to the bartender,
"Joyous reunion, huh?"
"Not really," the bartender sighs.

"The O'Shea twins are just drunk again."

An Englishman walking down Main Street sees a notice in a travel agent's

Round-the-World Cruise
14 days - Everything included!
Only $200.00
Apply today - Cash only

Thinking that this is too good to refuse, he hot-foots it around to the
bank and withdraws $200. He walks into the travel agent, puts the money on
the counter, and says, "I'd like to go on the Round-the-World Cruise."
"Certainly," replies the agent, picking up the money, "please step into
the back room where we'll take your details." As he walks into the room he's
hit over the head from behind, and falls into heap.
A few moments later a Scotsman walks into the travel agent to apply for
the cruise and after handing over his money the same fate befalls him.
A little while later an Irishman walks into the travel agent and after
handing over his money he too is hit from behind and falls to the ground.
A long time later, the three wake up in a rowboat, in a sea with no sight
of land.
The Englishman, putting on a brave face, says "Does anyone know which sea
we are in? Perhaps we could row for land."
The Scotsman replies "Don't be daft man. This is the 1990's -- a
helicopter is bound to fly over soon and rescue us!"
The Irishman says, "It bloody-well didn't last year!"

Two Irish men are working in a ditch across the street from a brothel. A
Protestant minister comes walking along and quickly sneaks behind the door.
The two men shake their heads and one says to the other, "What kind o' time
do we live in when men of the cloth 'be visiting such places?"
They muse over this for a while and are getting back to work when a rabbi
makes a dash for the brothel. The two look at each other and the other says,
"It's no wonder that the children of today are so confused, what with the
example that the clergy are setting."
They're mulling over this when a Catholic priest sneaks up to the
house-of-ill-repute, glances to make sure that no one is looking, and ducks
inside. The two men lean on their shovels, look at each other, and the one
says, sympathetically, "Ah, what a shame ... one of the poor lasses must be

An Irishman walks into a pub, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in
the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he
finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender
says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it -- it would taste
better if you bought one at a time."
The man replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America,
the other is in Australia, and I'm here in Essex. When we all left home, we
promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we used to tip
one together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it at that.
The drinker soon becomes a regular in the pub, and always drinks the same
way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in
and orders only two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I
don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences for
your great loss."
The man looks confused for a moment, then the light dawns and he laughs.
"Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just decided to stop drinking!"

Paddy and Murphy were walking in a field, when Paddy fell down an old
disused well.
"Are ye' all right Paddy?" shouted Murphy down the well.
"Aye!" called back Paddy, "But I've broken both me arms and legs,
"Shall I get help, Paddy?"
"No, Murphy, I can climb up the side by usin' me lips," said Paddy.
Murphy camps down for a while. Three days later, there's no sign of
Murphy shouts down the well, "Are ye' all right in there Paddy?"
"Aye, I'm nearly at the ARRRGRHHGHGHHHhhhhhghghhhghh..."

There's an english guy, an irish guy, and a scotsman sitting at a bar, each
with a pint in front of them. Each discovers a fly in their respective

The englishman takes a pair of tweezers, lightly lifts the fly out of the
ale, puts the fly in a napkin, folds the napkin up and puts the napkin in
the garbage.

The Scotsman PLUNGES his arm into his pint, hauls the fly out, throws it
on the floor and stomps the hell out of it.

The irishman takes ahold of either of his fly's wings, holds it over his
glass, turns it upside down and says, "Alright. Spit it out."

Roy Skates

Oct 11, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/11/97

Bill smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him.
As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has
nothing on under the robe. Poor Bill breaks out into a sweat trying to
maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in
my apartment, I hear someone coming..." He proceeds her into the
apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her
robe to fall completely open. She purrs at him,

"What would you say is my best feature?"

The flustered, embarrassed Bill stammers, clears his throat several times,
and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"

She's astounded! "Why my ears? Looks at these boobs! They are full, don't
sag, and they're all mine! My butt - it's firm doesn't sag, and has no
cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name
would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"

Clearing his throat once again, Bill stammers - "Outside when you said you
heard someone coming - That was me!!!"

Woman who fly upside down have crackup.

Webster's definition of Windows 95:

Windows95: <win-dos-nin-te-fiv> n.

32 bit extensions and graphical shell for a

16 bit patch to an

8 bit operating system originally coded for a

4 bit microprocessor, written by a

2 bit company, that can't stand

1 bit of competition

What not to name your dog.

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Spot" I made the mistake
of calling mine "Sex". Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I
went to city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would
like a license for Sex. He said "I'd like to have one too!" Then I said

"But this is for a dog." He said "I don't care what she looks like."
Then I said "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was nine years
old." He said "You must have been quite a kid."
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me.
Not wanting the dog to bother us, I told the clerk that I wanted a room
for my wife and I and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in

the place was for sex. I said "You don't
understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said "Me too."
One day I entered Sex in a dog show, before the competition began,
Another contestant asked me what I was doing. I told him that I planned

to have Sex in the show. He said that I should have sold my own
tickets. When I asked if the show was televised he called me a
I left my dog at the Veterinarian. When I went to pick him up I said
"I've come for my dog." She said "Which one Spot or Rover?" I said
"What about Sex?" She slapped me. After I straightened out the
misunderstanding, I asked if Sex was good for her. She slapped me again.

Sex ran away, I went to the dog pound. As I was looking in all the
cages the operator up to me. I said I'm looking for Sex. He said I was
looking in all the wrong places.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of

the dog. I said "Your Honor I had Sex before I was married." He said
"What's your point, so did I." I said "But my wife wants to take Sex
away." He said "That's what happens in a
Last night Sex ran off. I spent hours looking for him all over town.
A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4
o'clock in the morning?" I said I was looking for Sex....... My case
comes up Friday.


A woman goes to the doctor and tells him of her problem. She has three
vaginas side to side.
The doctor takes a look and tells her "put a plaster over the left one
and a plaster over the right one"
"How will that help me?" she replies.
" It wont," he says. "But it'll stop you getting fucked left right and

This family just moved into a new town. They had two little sinful boys
that just terrorized the teachers at their previous school. The nearest
school in their new town was a Catholic school. Well, they weren't
but they decided to send their two boys there anyway, hoping perhaps that
the Nuns there would be able to straighten these boys out.
Well, the boys were living up to their name, and terrorizing
their new school. Well, one day, the younger of the two got caught,
and the Nun grabbed him by the scruff of the neck, and hauled him down
to the head Priest.

The head Priest sat him down across from his desk, and told him,
"Satan is controlling you. He is why you are bad. Don't you know, that
no matter where you are or what you do, that God is always there, always
watching you? God is everywhere. He's at your home, here at school,
where ever you are, He is there, whether you are naughty, nice, good or
bad, He is always there watching you!" He spoke for 15 minutes, hoping
to get through to the boy.

After he was done with his speech, he asked the boy, "Now, where is God?"
The boy just shrugged. Again, the Priest asked, "Where is God?" Again,
the boy just shrugged. By now, the Priest was getting upset, and pointed
at the boy and asked, "WHERE IS GOD!!!?" The boy looked around, under his
chair, dropped his head down a little bit and shrugged. The Priest was
furious by now, and yelled at the boy, "Go Home! Get your mother, and
bring her back here with you!"

Well, by this time, school was already out, and all the kids had gone home,
so the boy runs home as fast as he can. When he gets home, his older
is outside playing. He runs over to him, grabs a hold of him and says,
"Get in the house...we're in big trouble." He pulls his brother inside the
house, "Come on upstairs, quick!" Upstairs they went. He pulls his brother
in the bedroom. "Get in here, fast!" He opens the closet. "Get in here,
He closes the closet door and says, "We're in real big trouble now!"
His brother asks, "What...what is it? What did we do?"
The younger brother says, "God is missing, and they're blaming us!."

An old woman walks into a sexual periphenalia store and says to the
clerk "DDDoooo YYooo uu ssseeellllllll dddiiilllddddoooo'sssss?" He
says "Yes we do."
She says "Wweelll, doooo yyyooouuu hhhaaavvveee 11222 iiinncchh
Again he says "Yes we do" She says "Doooo yyyyooouuu ssseeelll 11111
iiinnnccchhh wwwwiiidddeeee dddiiillddooos???" He says "Yeah we do!"
She says "Ggggooooodddd, cccouuullldd yyoouu tteelllll mmee hhhooowww
ttoo tturrn iit ooooffffff"
"You're just jealous because the voices don't talk to you."


Oct 14, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/14/97

He finally invested in a hearing aid after becoming
virtually deaf. It was one of those invisible hearing aids.

"Well, how do you like your new hearing aid?" asked his doctor.
"I like it great. I've heard sounds in the last few weeks that I didn't
know existed."

"Well, how does your family like your hearing aid?"
"Oh, nobody in my family knows I have it yet. Am I having a great
time! I've changed my will three times in the last two months."



Oct 15, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/15/97

Doctors' Chart Bloopers:

1.Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for
over a year.
2.On the second day the knee was better and on the third
day it had completely disappeared.
3.Father died in his 90's of female trouble in his
prostate and kidneys.
4.Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
5.The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
6.Vomiting of unknown origin.
7.Admitted in error.
8.Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt
we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
9.Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
10.Patient has two teenage children but no other
11.Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
12.Dr. Blank is watching his prostate.
13.If he squeezes the back of his neck for 4 or 5 years it
comes and goes.



Oct 15, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/15/97

A man goes to the doctor and says to the doctor: "It hurts when I press here"
(pressing his side) "And when I press here" (pressing the other side) "And
here" (his leg) "And here, here and here" (his other leg, and both arms)

So the doctor examined him all over and finally discovered what was wrong...

"You've got a broken finger!"



Oct 15, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/15/97

Did you know that the average male burns 2000 calories each time he has sex?

So you women better start asking questions when your husband tells you that he
lost 20 lbs. going to fitness center!

A distraught man ran into the doctor's office.
"Doc!" The man screamed, "I've lost my memory!"
"When did this happen?" asked the doctor.
The man looked at him and said, "When did what happen?"



Oct 15, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/15/97


The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers.

The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.

A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.

To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.

Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.

Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.

A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.

English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.

A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.

When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.

It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.

For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.

For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then
kill it.

For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.

For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or

Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west

When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in

When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon


Te Lce4em

Oct 15, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/15/97

In article <>, (Gene)
ROFLMAO, Gene...this is a good one!


Oct 16, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/16/97

A guy walks into the psychiatrist's and says "Doctor, doctor, you've got to help
me! I keep thinking that I'm a deck of cards!" The shrink says "Sit over there
and I'll deal with you later."



Oct 16, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/16/97

Doctor: What's the condition of the boy who swallowed the quarter?

Nurse: No change yet.

Doctor: You only have six months to live.
Man: I can't pay the bill.

Doctor: Alright, I'll give you another six months.



Oct 16, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/16/97

A doctor had a meeting and decided one of
his patient was potentially well. So he agreed
to test him by taking him out to the movies.

When they reached the movie theater, there were
signs of wet paint pointing to benches. He
sat down, but the patient placed a newspaper
down first and then sat down! The doctor was
excited thinking that maybe he was better.
So he asked:
" Why did you put the newspaper down first?"
The patient answered:
"So I'd be higher and have a better view."



Oct 17, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/17/97

Sam and John were out cutting wood, and John cut his right arm off. Sam wrapped
the arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to a surgeon. The surgeon said,
"You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four hours."
So Sam came back in four hours and the surgeon said,
"I got done faster than I expected to. John is down at the local pub." Sam went
to the pub and saw John throwing darts with his right arm.

A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again, and John cut his leg off. Sam
put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the surgeon. The
surgeon said, "Legs are a little tougher - come back in six hours." Sam returned
in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early - John's
down at the soccer field." Sam went to the soccer field and there was John,
kicking goals.

A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Sam put
the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon. The
surgeon said, "Gee, heads are really tough.
Come back in twelve hours." So Sam returned in twelve hours and the surgeon
said, "I'm sorry, John died." Sam said, "I understand - heads are toughest." The
surgeon said, "Oh, no! The surgery went fine! John suffocated in that plastic



Oct 17, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/17/97

#1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

#2: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a

#1: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

#2: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.


#2. This is a lighthouse. Your call.



Oct 17, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/17/97

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured
princess happened upon a frog in a pond.

The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome
prince until an Evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss
from you and I will turn back into a prince and then
we can marry, move into the castle with my mom where you

can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children

and forever feel lucky for doing so."

That night, the princess had frog legs for dinner.

(Thanks Cyndie:)



Oct 17, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/17/97

In 1966, a NASA team doing work for the Apollo
moon mission took the astronauts near Tuba City
where the terrain of the Navajo Reservation looks
very much like the Lunar surface. Along with all the
trucks and large vehicles, there were two large figures
dressed in full Lunar spacesuits.

Nearby a Navajo sheep herder and his son were
watching the strange creatures walk about,
occasionally being tended by personnel. The two
Navajo people were noticed and approached by
the NASA personnel. Since the man did not know
English, his son asked for him what the strange
creatures were and the NASA people told them
that they are just men that are getting ready to
go to the moon. The man became very excited
and asked if he could send a message to the
moon with the astronauts.

The NASA personnel thought this was a great
idea so they rustled up a tape recorder. After
the man gave them his message, they asked
his son to translate. His son would not.

Later, they tried a few more people on the
reservation to translate and every person
they asked would chuckle and then refuse
to translate. Finally, with cash in hand,
someone translated the message,
"Watch out for these guys, they come
to take your land."



Oct 21, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/21/97


Keywords: women, chemistry, analysis



Element: Woman
Symbol: Wo
Discoverer: Adam
Quantitative Anaylsis: Accepted at 36-24-36,
though isotopes ranging from 25-10-25 to 60-55-60
have been identified.

Occurance: Found wherever Man is, but seldom
in the highly reactive, energetic singlet state.

Surplus quantities in all urban areas.

Physical Properties: Undergoes spontaneous
dehydrolysis (weeps) at absolutely nothing and
freezes at a moments notice. Totally unpredictable.
Melts when properly treated, very bitter if not well used.

Found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to
common ore.

Non-magnetic, but attracted to money and sports
cars. In its natural shape, the specimen varies
considerably, but it is often changed artificially
so well that the change is indiscernable except
to the experienced eye.

Chemical Properties: Has great affinity for Au, Ag,
and Cu, especially in the crystalline form. May give
violent reaction if left alone. Will absorb great amounts
of food matter. Highly desired reaction is initiated with
various reagents such as C(2)-H(5)-OH, and sexy
aftershave lotions. An essential catalyst is often
required (you must say you love her at least five
times daily). Reaction accelerates when in the
dark and all reaction conditions are suitable.

Extremely difficult to react if in the highly stable
pure form. Yields to pressure applied at the
correct points. The reaction is highly exothermic.

Storage: Best results are obtained between the
ages of 18 and 25 years.

Uses: Highly ornamental. Used as a tonic for low spirits.

Used on lonely nights as a heating agent - if properly prepared.

Tests: Pure specimens turn rosy tint if discovered in raw, natural state.

Turns green if placed beside a better specimen.

Caution: Most powerful reducing agent known to Man
(income and ego). Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Specimen must be used with great care if experiments
are to succeed.

NOTE: It is illegal to possess more than one permanent
specimen, though a certain amount of exchange is permitted.


Oct 22, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/22/97

She's a rag, a bone, and a hank of hair...and he's a brag, a groan,
and tank of air.

He stopped drinking coffee in the mornings because it keeps him awake
the rest of the day.

She's so contrary that if she would drown, they'd look for her

There's a bus leaving in ten under it.

I was invited up to Judy's place for dinner last night. I don't want
to say she's a bad housekeeper, but you wipe your feet before you

She made him a millionaire, before he was married he was a

I'd like to say we're glad you're here. I'd like to say it.

If you were alive, you'd be a sick man.

For a minute I didn't recognise you. It was my most enjoyable minute

Stay with me...I want to be alone.

He's one person who would make a perfect stranger!

When she goes down to the waterfront, even tugboats stop whistling.

It may be a morbid curiosity, but I would like to see your parents.

He looks like his mother was frightened by everything!

Listen, baboon, don't accuse me of making a monkey out of you; why
should I take all the credit?

He says he'd only marry a girl who can take a joke...that's the only
kind who would take him.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Next time you pass my house, I'll appreciate it.

He left his job because of illness and fatigue...his boss got sick and
tired of him.

I once saw a movie that was so bad six states used it in place of
capital punishment.

She's a vision.....a real sight.

He is so nervous, he keeps the coffee awake!

The only thing that can make her look good is distance.

He will never live to be as old as he looks!

Every girl has the right to look ugly, but she abused the priviledge.

He does not want anyone to make a fuss over him
.....just treat him like you would any other great man.

If he had his life to live over again, he would still fall in love
with himself!

On his last birthday, he sent a congratulation card to his parents!

He is a second story man, no one believes his first story.

You could make a forturn if you could buy him for what you think of
him and sell him for what he thinks of himself.

He carries the pictures of his kids and a soundtrack of his wife.

First thing in the morning, she brushes her teeth and sharpens her

I'm paid to make an idiot of myself, why do you do it for free?
Bathurst, N. B.


Oct 22, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/22/97

The Lucky Frog

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on
the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He
thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He
looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other
club away, nd grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be
a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man
decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you
think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3
wood and Boom! Hole in one.

The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the
day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the
frog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go
to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says,
"Ribbit. Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man
asks," What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit.
$3000,black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but
after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of
cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He
sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog
replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the
frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a
gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."


Oct 22, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/22/97

Excuse to miss school blunders.

These are actual excuse notes from parents (including spelling):

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today.
Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,
30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he
fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football.
He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been
bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had
---diahre--- ---dyrea--- ---direathe--- the shits.

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea
and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping
because I don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot
to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it
Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to
attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired.
She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold
and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in
bed with gramps.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever,
sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also
sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever
and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and
fever. There must be something going around, her father
even got hot last night.



Oct 22, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/22/97

Dear Mother and Dad:

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been
remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in
not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before
you read on, please sit down. YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY

Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture
and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my
dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well
healed now. I only get those sick headaches once a day.

Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed
by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the
one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also
visited me at the hospital and since I had nowhere to live, because
of the burned out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to
share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's
kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in
love and are planning to be married. We haven't set the exact
date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

Yes Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you
are looking forward to being grrandparents and I know you will
welcome the baby and give it the love, devotion and tender
care you gave me when I was a chld. The reason for the delay
in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection
which prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests
and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up
with the penicillin injections I am taking daily.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms.
He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambitious.
Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I
know your oft expressed tolerance will not permit you to be
bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker
than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family back-
ground is good too, for I am told that his father is an important
gun-bearer in the village in Africa from which he came.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that
there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull
fracture. I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not
engaged. I do not have syphillis and there is no man (of any color)
in my life. However, I am getting a 'D' in History and an 'F' in
Science and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper

Your Loving Daughter


Oct 22, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/22/97

Subject: Courtroom bloopers...

Most language is spoken language, and most words,
once they are uttered, vanish forever into the air.
But such is not the case with language spoken during
courtroom trials, for there exists an army of courtroom
reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve
every statement made during the proceedings.

Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you
can't remember his first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness
chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake,
tell them your first name!

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.

Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?

Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.

Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.

Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.

Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had several of her
children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.

Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.

Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you
performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

Q. Were you acquainted with the defendant?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?

Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.

Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all
present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.

Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.

Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she
wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding
all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he
have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the

MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

Before we recess, let's listen to one last exchange involving a child:

Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.?
What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.

Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.

Q: You say you're innocent, yet five people swore they
saw you steal a watch.
A: Your Honor, I can produce 500 people who didn't
see me steal it.

Q: At the time you first saw Dr. McCarty, had you ever
seen him prior to that time?

JUDGE: I rarely do so, but for whatever purpose it
may serve, I will indicate for the record that I approached
this case with a completely open mind.

Q: Did the lady standing the driveway subsequently identify
herself to you?
A: Yes, she did.
Q: Who did she say she was?
A: She said she was the owner of the dog's wife.

Q: I understand you're Bernie Davis's mother.
A: Yes.
Q: How long have you known him?

Q: Now, I'm going to show you what has been
marked as State's Exhibit No. 2 and ask if you recognize the
A: John Fletcher.
Q: That's you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?

Q: Please state the location of your right foot immediately prior to
A: Immediately before the impact, my right foot was located at the
immediate end of my right leg.

Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and
doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

Q: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

Q: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Q: Were you alone or by yourself?

Q: How long have you been a French Canadian?

Q: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Q: So you were gone until you returned?

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing
a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor,
I'd like to strike the next question."

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes
Q: How many were boys?
A: None
Q: Were there girls?

Q: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know
what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you
examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. the autopsy started about 8:30 pm.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid [jerk], he was sitting on the table wondering
why I was doing an autopsy!
Bathurst,N. B.


Oct 22, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/22/97

Fairy Tales

A little girl asked her father, "Daddy?
Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time?"

He replied, "No, there is a whole series of
Fairy Tales that begin with 'If Elected I promise...'"

Thanks, V:)
Bathurst,N. B.


Oct 23, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/23/97

Cop pulls over a carload of nuns.

Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so
Sister "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."
Cop "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the
name of the highway you're on!
Sister: Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know.
I'll be more careful.

At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the
other nuns are shaking and trembling.

Cop: Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back
there? They're shaking something terrible.

Sister: Oh, we just got off of highway 119.

From Laurie:)
Bathurst,N. B.


Oct 23, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/23/97


Nearly everything has changed in the United States since
the Bill of Rights was written and adopted. We still see the
original words when we read those first 10 Amendments
to the Constitution, yet the meaning is vastly different now.

And no wonder. We've gone from a country of a few million
to a few hundred million. The nation's desire to band together
was replaced by revulsion of togetherness. We exchanged
a birthright of justice for a magic bullet, and replaced the
Pioneer Spirit with the Pioneer Stereo.

We're not the people who founded this country and our
Bill of Rights should reflect this. As we approach the 21st
Century, it's time to bring the wording up to date showing
what we are and who we are.


Congress shall make no law establishing religion, but
shall act as if it did; and shall make no laws abridging
the freedom of speech, unless such speech can be
construed as "commercial speech" or "irresponsible
speech" or "offensive speech;" or shall abridge the
right of the people to peaceably assemble where and
when permitted; or shall abridge the right to petition the
government for a redress of grievances, under proper

It shall be unlawful to cry "Fire!" in a theatre occupied
by three or more persons, unless such persons shall
belong to a class declared Protected by one or more
divisions of Federal, State or Local government, in
which case the number of persons shall be one or more.


A well-regulated military force shall be maintained
under control of the President, and no political entity
within the United States shall maintain a military force
beyond Presidential control. The right of the people
to keep and bear arms shall be determined by the
Congress and the States and the Cities and the
Counties and the Towns (and someone named Fred.)


No soldier shall, in time of peace, be quartered in any
house without the consent of the owner, unless such
house is believed to have been used, or believed may
be used, for some purpose contrary to law or public policy.


The right of the people to be secure in their persons,
houses, papers, and effects against unreasonable
searches and seizures may not be suspended except
to protect public welfare. Any place or conveyance shall
be subject to search by law enforcement forces of any
political entity, and any such places or conveyances,
or any property within them, may be confiscated
without judicial proceeding if believed to be used in
a manner contrary to law.


Any person may be held to answer for a crime of
any kind upon any suspicion whatever; and may be
put in jeopardy of life or liberty by the state courts,
by the federal judiciary, and while incarcerated; and
may be compelled to be a witness against himself
by the forced submission of his body or any portion
thereof, and by testimony in proceedings excluding
actual trial. Private property forfeited under judicial
process shall become the exclusive property of the
judicial authority and shall be immune from seizure
by injured parties.


In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy
the right to avoid prosecution by exhausting the legal
process and its practitioners. Failure to succeed shall
result in speedy plea-bargaining resulting in lesser charges.
Convicted persons shall be entitled to appeal until
sentence is completed. It shall be unlawful to bar or
deter an incompetent person from service on a jury.


In civil suits, where a contesting party is a person
whose private life may interest the public, the right
of trial in the Press shall not be abridged.


Sufficient bail may be required to ensure that
dangerous persons remain in custody pending trial.
There shall be no right of the public to be afforded
protection from dangerous persons, and such protection
shall be dependent upon incarceration facilities available.


The enumeration in The Constitution of certain
rights shall be construed to deny or discourage
others which may from time to time be extended
by the branches of Federal, State or Local government,
unless such rights shall themselves become
enacted by Amendment.


The powers not delegated to the United States
by the Constitution shall be deemed to be powers
residing in persons holding appointment therein
through the Civil Service, and may be delegated
to the States and local Governments as determined
by the public interest. The public interest shall be
determined by the Civil Service.
Bathurst,N. B.


Oct 24, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/24/97

Ways to Cope with STRESS

Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.

Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.

When someone says "Have a nice day", tell
them you have other plans.

Make a list of things to do that you've already done.

Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send
them off to pre-school as if nothing is wrong.

Fill out your tax forms using Roman Numerals.

Tape pictures of your boss on
watermelons and launch them
from high places.

Pay your electric bill in pennies.

Drive to work in reverse.

Find out what a frog in a blender
really looks like.

Polish your car with ear wax.

Read the dictionary upside down
and look for secret messages.

Start a nasty rumor and see if you
recognize it when it comes back to you.

Write a short story using alphabet soup.

Stare at people through the tines
of a fork and pretend they're in jail.

Make up a language and ask people
for directions.
Bathurst,N. B.


Oct 24, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/24/97


1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and
scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.

2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and
look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty
that you can't get the darn thing to work. After he/she's turned it
on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process for a
good half hour.

4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you

5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to
different screen than the one it's set up with.

6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at
the highest volume possible over and over again.

7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by
something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret
Pentagon files.

9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.

10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it

11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have
it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.

12. Type on the computer for a while. Suddenly start mumbling for 3
minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue

13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if
they're crazy while typing.

14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.

15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone
agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."

16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required,
pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it

17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"

18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It
helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new

19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type
by hitting the keys with the straw.

20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion
Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.

21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to
your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then
complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.

22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when
it doesn't work, get the supervisor.

23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where
the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.

24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all
done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.

25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After
doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next
to you.
Bathurst,N. B.


Oct 26, 1997, 2:00:00 AM10/26/97

These four gents go out to play golf one day. One is
detained in the clubhouse and the remaining three
are discussing their children while walking to the first tee

"My son," says one, "has made quite a name for himself
in the homebuilding industry. He began as a carpenter,
but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's
so successful that in his last year he was able to give a
good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man not to be outdone, told how his
daughter began her career as a car salesperson,but
now owns a multi-line dealership. "She's so successful,
in fact, in the last six months she gave a friend two
brand new cars as a gift."

The third man's son has worked his way up through
a stock brokerage firm and in the last few weeks has
given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives, they tell him that they
have been discussing their children and ask him
about his son.

"To tell the truth,I'm not very pleased with how my
son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years,
he's been in and out of work and I've just recently
discovered he's a bisexual. But, on the bright side,
he must be good at what he does because his last
three lovers have given him a brand new house, two
cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."
Bathurst,N. B.


Oct 27, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/27/97

Book Titles

Home Alone III, The Sequel: Annie Buddyhome*
Fixing Computer Programs: Dee Bugger*
Life Before Cars: Orson Buggy*
Bad Cow Jokes: Terry Bull
Foot Problems of Big Lumberjacks: Paul Bunion
Ex-Presidential Retreat: Kenny Bunkport*
Full Moon: Seymour Buns
Falling Trees: Tim Burr
Long Walk: Miss D. Busy
Gardening With The Ex-President: Rose Bush*
Under the Bleachers: Seymour Butts
The Pullman Sleeper: Bertha Buv*
A Whole Lot of Cats: Kitt N. Caboodle
Say The Magic Word: Abby Cadabra*
How To Make Cornmeal Pancakes: Johnny Cake*
Desert Crossing: I. Rhoda Camel
Star Spangled Barrio: Jose Canusee*
Gambling: Monty Carlos
Hertz, Don't It?: Lisa Carr*
I Need Insurance: Justin Case
Money Management: Owen Cash
Ship Mysteries: Marie Celeste
The Sweat Shop: Hiram Cheap
Cosmetology: Rosie Cheeks
Musical Gunfighters: The Okay Chorale
I Like Fish: Ann Chovie
Happy New Year!: Mary Christmas
The Miracle Drug: Penny Cillin
Life in Chicago: Wendy City
The Ham Radio Primer: Loudon Clear
Cheaper than IBM: P.C. Clone
You Wash, I'll Dry: Terry Cloth*
I Was a Cloakroom Attendant: Mahatma Coate
The Greasy Spoon: Chris Coe*
Snakes of the World: Anna Conda
Housework: Dustin Cook(n)
The Great Escape: Freida Convict
Nuts about You!: Cy Cosis
Racketeering: Dennis Court
Smash His Lobster!: Buster Crabbe
French Overpopulation: Francis Crowded
Lots of Excitement: Hugh N. Cry
Outdoor Cookery: Barbie Cue
Circle Perimiter: Sir Cumference
Pull Yourself Together!: Annette Curtain
Trim Those Sideburns Too?: Buzz Cutt
The Paper Route: Avery Daye
Wish I'd Never Been Born: Rudy Daye
Stunned Over Christmas: Holly Daze
Fastest Gun In The West: Everett DeReady
Personal Best: Marco DeStinction
Prepare To Meet Your Maker: Eva DeStruction
A Boxing Cornerman's Story: Dawson DeTowel
The Good Breakfast: Hammond Deggs
Home of the Liberty Bell: Phil A. Delphia
I Love Fractions: Lois C. Denominator
Cooking Spaghetti: Al Dente
Columbus, Vespucci, And Me: Enzo DiUrth
Chirpin' and Jumpin': Katie Didd
The Smorgasbord: Buffy Dinner
Shaky Knees: Cliff Diver
I Must Fix the Car!: Otto Doit
A Stuntman To The End: Kenny Doitt
Lazy Employees: Hans Doolittle
Maritime Disasters: Andrea Doria
I Lost My Balance: Eileen Dover and Phil Down
...And Shut Up!: Sid Downe
Allegiance To The King: Neil Downe
The Senior Prom: Spike Drink
Robots: Anne Droid
We're All Flakes: Dan Druff*
My Life on Skid Row: Titus A. Drum
College Athletics: Nancy Dubblelay
Mystery in the Barnyard: Hu Flung Dung
Life As A Comic: Stan Dupp
Good Housekeeping: Lottie Dust
Snorting My Way To Heaven: Angel Dust
Downpour!: Wayne Dwops
Head of Security: Barb Dwyer
Keep Out!: Barb Dwyer
I Lived in Detroit: Helen Earth
Meals On Safari: Lionel Eecha
Hiya Fella: Gladys Eeya
Car Capital Of The World: Mitch Egan
Southern California Waffles: Sandy Eggo
It's a Holdup!: Nick R. Elastic
Round the World: Madge Ellen
Guide To Mixology: Bart Ender
Fish Story: Rod Enreel
Interior Decorating: Curt Enrod
What I Took: Irv Erginity
The History Of Exxon: Phil Errup
Artificial Clothing: Polly Ester
Defunct Nations: Sophie Etunion
Songs from 'South Pacific': Sam and Janet Evening
Good Works: Ben Evolent
Greeting Sheep Strangers: Hugh R. Ewe
Swedish Perfumeries: Ole Factory
You Drip!: Lee K. Fawcette
Explaining it Better: Clara Fie
Sofa so Good: Chester Field
Scandinavian Photography: Matt Finnish
Parachuting: Hugo First
I Love Wills: Benny Fishery
The Perils Of Drug Addiction: Anita Fixx
The French Chef: Sue Flay
Pilgrim Settlers: May Flower
Where to Put Your Money: Bill Fold
Strong Winds: Gail Force
West Coast Universities: Stan Ford
Silly Rabbit: Trixie R. Forkids
Get Out There!: Sally Forth
I'm Scared!: Emma Fraid
Bathurst,N. B.


Oct 27, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/27/97

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day,
when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant
blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles
of champagne and ten glasses, take their orderover and
sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the
glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting,
"51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks
and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are
joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under
her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture
in the middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others,
they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-
five's, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51days!"

The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so
he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully
framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the
frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of
the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"

The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone
thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So,
we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together,
bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box
said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"

Thanks, Cyndie:)
Bathurst,N. B.


Oct 27, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/27/97

On Mon, 27 Oct 1997 15:15:42 -0500, Ray Fink <> wrote:

> Bathurst,N. B.
>> Canada
>Gene, that is a keeper!! Judy

Eh, eh, Judy.
Well, okay, but it will cost you five and half cent:)

Bathurst,N. B.