How to Spot an Abuser on Your First Date, Author Sam Vaknin
Vicki Lynn
http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/9128/104161
Is there anything you can do to avoid abusers and narcissists to start
with? Are there any warning signs, any identifying marks, rules of
thumbs to shield you from the harrowing and traumatic experience of an
abusive relationship?
Imagine a first or second date. You can already tell if he is a would-be
abuser. Here's how:
Perhaps the first telltale sign is the abuser's alloplastic defenses -
his tendency to blame every mistake of his, every failure, or mishap on
others, or on the world at large. Be tuned: does he assume personal
responsibility? Does he admit his faults and miscalculations? Or does he
keep blaming you, the cab driver, the waiter, the weather, the
government, or fortune for his predicament?
Is he hypersensitive, picks up fights, feels constantly slighted,
injured, and insulted? Does he rant incessantly? Does he treat animals
and children impatiently or cruelly and does he express negative and
aggressive emotions towards the weak, the poor, the needy, the
sentimental, and the disabled? Does he confess to having a history of
battering or violent offenses or behavior? Is his language vile and
infused with expletives, threats, and hostility?
Next thing: is he too eager? Does he push you to marry him having dated
you only twice? Is he planning on having children on your first date?
Does he immediately cast you in the role of the love of his life? Is he
pressing you for exclusivity, instant intimacy, almost rapes you and
acts jealous when you as much as cast a glance at another male? Does he
inform you that, once you get hitched, you should abandon your studies
or resign your job (forgo your personal autonomy)?
Does he respect your boundaries and privacy? Does he ignore your wishes
(for instance, by choosing from the menu or selecting a movie without as
much as consulting you)? Does he disrespect your boundaries and treats
you as an object or an instrument of gratification (materializes on your
doorstep unexpectedly or calls you often prior to your date)? Does he go
through your personal belongings while waiting for you to get ready?
Does he control the situation and you compulsively? Does he insist to
ride in his car, holds on to the car keys, the money, the theater
tickets, and even your bag? Does he disapprove if you are away for too
long (for instance when you go to the powder room)? Does he interrogate
you when you return ("have you seen anyone interesting") - or make lewd
"jokes" and remarks? Does he hint that, in future, you would need his
permission to do things - even as innocuous as meeting a friend or
visiting with your family?
RoseBud
behaves for awhile to slowly draw you into his/her web.
There must be some tests to perform early on, to avoid wasting time with
these "Control Freaks"
--
Karma, What a concept!