Sleeping With The Enemy By: Debbie Littlefield

[Ed]

Awakened by shrieks of fright I turned on the light to see my sleeping
husband swinging wildly. There have been Times where I was mistaken as
the foe and rudely awakened by him hitting, kicking, or attempting to
strangle me while he was having a nightmare. My brother refers to me
as “the saint”, because I have been sleeping with “the enemy” for 35
years.
I have come to appreciate that when a person is severely traumatized,
as my husband was in Vietnam and as some persons are when confronted
with life threatening or terrifying situations, it can have a life
altering effect on your mind. This also translates to how you relate
to people and how you perceive yourself. This disorder is
posttraumatic stress disorder, a behavioral disorder resulting from an
event(s) experienced with intense fear or terror. There are those who
exhibit the same disorder after experiencing rape or sexual assault,
severe natural disasters including hurricanes or earthquakes. It can
cause a once outgoing person to become reclusive and suspect of
others, depressive and at Times even suicidal. Some persons who have
been seriously impacted by a traumatic event are unaware that they too
are sleeping with the enemy.
My husband s “stressor” was from war. He entered a tour of duty to
Vietnam as a naïve, young proud Marine. He came out a year later,
still a proud Marine, but with an invisible irreversible wound. A
permanent scar that would affect him and all those whom he met,
especially those that loved him. Due to this, we have moved over 30
Times and have had over 30 jobs, either quitting or being fired. He
has been treated for depression and suicidal ideation, nightmares,
irritability and hostility. He has been in several voluntary hospital
programs.
In the1970's,
post traumatic stress disorder was not as well defined and studied
being viewed more as shell shock or battle fatigue. In the late 1980 s
the department of veterans affairs funded a comprehensive study, which
resulted in the finding that over a half million Vietnam vets were
suffering from posttraumatic stress disorder. The 1990 has brought
more information to light regarding this disorder and I now had a name
for the “enemy”. That was a revelation in itself. I went from thinking
my husband was just “different” to knowing that “difference” had a
diagnosis.
Understanding the psychological responses to what he went through made
understanding him as a person easier. Put yourself in battle, whether
it is in Vietnam or Iraq. To survive on the battlefield a soldier must
learn to suppress his emotions. There is no time to think of the pain
involved with seeing your friends and squad members die. If you were
to stop in the middle of the firefight, you could be killed or put
more people at risk. The problem comes later when the combat warrior
stays in this emotional disconnected State and resumes his life in the
real world. Some vets have expressed that they were afraid to let go
of these feelings for fear of not being able to regain control of
their self, or were in fear of being overwhelmed with the guilt of
survival, as was my husband.
This emotional constraint carries over into their personal life,
impairing the capacity to love and having fellow feeling or depth of
care. I once fell down a flight of stairs and my husband s first
response was, “can t you walk!” This was immediately changed to
concern, but his initial feeling was to disconnect from the accident.
He did not feel instant compassion, which would have gotten him killed
in battle. We thus went through life allowing his posttraumatic stress
disorder to guide how we lived instead of recognizing his cumulative
social and emotional disorders as posttraumatic stress disorder, and
circumventing certain behavior by identifying its source and
questioning its rationality. One personality is the person you fell in
love with, one behavior is the enemy you sleep with.
I have been asked many times how I have dealt with his disorder.
At first since I was a westerner and my husband was from the South, I
thought innocently his behavior was just a cultural difference. I
wrongfully thought that moving to the South would remedy his social
disorder. Later, I suppressed my anger, frustration and hurt feelings.
Understandably, my patience took its toll on my own emotional well-
being. Depression replaced a happy spirit, self worth became hardly
existent, and a donut felt better to my lips than a kiss. Eventually
better reasoning helped me to see that as with any problem or illness,
with knowledge comes power to change.
Conversing with a psychologist, I asked the question: “how much of
what he does is post traumatic stress disorder, and how much is
personality?” She said, “A lot has to do with your personality in how
you handle the post traumatic stress disorder.” There was my
crossroad. With that small piece of information, I would no longer let
my husband “off the hook” or “unaccountable” for his bad behavior that
was in effect killing me. It gave me the shocking realization that I
had been enabling part of his behavior by allowing it. I thought to
myself, “wait a minute here, an illness is understandable, but
personality can be changed!” If I wanted him to treat me more tenderly
and use kinder words, I would have to get his attention.
After much thought I told him plainly that, I was sick of his blaming
all his bad behavior on post traumatic stress disorder and I was not
going to take his ill treatment of me anymore. He had to change or I
would leave, and I would have followed through with it. I had never
told him I would leave before, so this came as quite a shock. First,
he became angry, packed a few clothes in a bag and left. I did not ask
him to stay, or ask where he was going or call to see when he'd come
home. That would have given him back the control of the situation and
he would not have taken me seriously.
I knew by this time in our marriage he dearly loved me.
He needed to learn to show it. He returned that afternoon and pleaded
with me to stay. I knew then the importance of not keeping my feelings
to myself, and not speaking out when I felt hurt, or to express my
displeasure (or pleasure) in what he was doing. From that day forward,
he became determined to speak kindly and made effort to recognize his
behavior. This emphasizes the importance of standing firm and openly
communicating, yet realizing that this still will not resolve a social
disorder, cure depression or relieve nightmares. Medication helps some
of these problems, but I find that dealing with this disorder is
easier if I keep myself aware of where he is coming from, and keeping
myself informed.
If you love your mate, and are determined to keep your marriage
healthy both physically and emotionally, you must give yourself the
tools to build the Union into the best mental residing place. Read
avidly about the disorder. Learn to recognize its signs and most
importantly seek the advice of trained professionals, if the load
becomes too heavy to carry. However, do not give up. It is not easy at
first, but if you try, you can replace anger and frustration with the
love you felt that first triggered that sparkle in your eye and the
flutter in your heart. You might be sleeping with the enemy, but if
you really want to and are very determined, you can live with the
person you fell in love with.