hurts
Puddles
office. cause am hurt and scared.
Juniper
Puddles <allthe...@yahoo.com> wrote:
> i have hurts. wish had t bear. have bed bear but want t bear at t
> office. cause am hurt and scared.
Might No-Name Bear help?
Juniper
Puddles
k but want t bear but no want to see t no more. none. no more none. jus
want t bear. can use noname til get new t bear k?
confused
> i have hurts. wish had t bear. have bed bear but want t bear at t
> office. cause am hurt and scared.
:( sorry you hurts. how come t has your bear. doesn't seem fair
--
Little Girl of confused
astri
> i have hurts. wish had t bear. have bed bear but want t bear at t
> office. cause am hurt and scared.
hi
can think of t bear waiting for you?
-- astri
======================
to email send to astri
======================
at volcano dot org
======================
cometz
> In article <6j8c4kF1uv7...@mid.individual.net>,
>
> Puddles <allthepudd...@yahoo.com> wrote:
> > i have hurts. wish had t bear. have bed bear but want t bear at t
> > office. cause am hurt and scared.
sorry. have to piggyback on other reply. wish you had t bear. maybe
can ask t if you could take it home sometimes. like over weekends or
something. like you take care of it for t over weekends and weekdays
it stays at t office. would prolly be ok to ask.
betsy and sarah
Juniper
Puddles <allthe...@yahoo.com> wrote:
That's fine. You can use noname as long as you need to or want to.
Why don't want to see T no more? Maybe T bear works best when T there?
My T has bear, too. I used to hold it, and now I just move it so it's
sitting right up next to me. Other T years ago had lots of stuffies.
When she went into hospital for operation I got to take bunny home with
me. Named her Veronica. Had to bring her back, but then T was back.
Does T bear have a name?
Juniper
puddles
keep it there for scaries while in session. t has him in his drawer. do
you have bear at t's?
puddles
want t bear, don't want to see t. t is getting dirty yucky from being
near t.
puddles
maybe have to get new t bear. miss my t bear in t's office and confused
said to seems not fair. is my t-bear. but not fair but that is where t -
bear lives.
puddles
t-bear is his name. k, but have to spoiler
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
==
=
=
=
is cause t said. said that. like brother. is hard. is hard to say what
happen but t made us feel dirty and yucky and now feel like need to
punish self cause i am a girl and also cause rape and this is why i am
bad terrible person and my fault t said that about 'not going to
happen'. did he think i would?? think i would do or try anything with t?
makes it not ok. not not not.
brother asked on phone (and we toll t about) if we 'liked it' what was
happening from step dad when we were little and thought that was bad
question from brother to ask that and it hurt and made us feel yucky
and then t trying to say that it is ok for *inappropriate puddle to talk
to t by trying to make rules but t said 'cause it would not happen'
meaning sex or something. WHY WOULD T THINK WE WOULD EVER EVER EVER EVER
DO THAT??? Is because we are nasty dirty body and mind and think this is
not ok that t said that and brother said that and rape too so no more
cause is my fault.
we were *can't puddle yesterday. she doesn't like anyone to touch her
ever and we toll t we were 'don't touch me' mood. then t trying to talk
to oppiste puddle about sex was not ok. not not not.
have to stop now. have to stop. is my fault.
astri
> astri wrote:
>> On Mon, 15 Sep 2008, Puddles wrote:
>>
>>> i have hurts. wish had t bear. have bed bear but want t bear at t
>>> office. cause am hurt and scared.
>>
>> hi
>>
>> can think of t bear waiting for you?
>
> near t.
t isn't dirty yucky
*inappropriate puddles won't make t dirty yucky
t won't do anything yucky with any of you
no matter what *inappropriate puddles says or thinks
astri
> maybe have to get new t bear. miss my t bear in t's office and
> confused said to seems not fair. is my t-bear. but not fair but that
> is where t - bear lives.
didn't you bring t bear there to have t bear live there to help you
when you needed help during t?
puddles
yes, is my t bear. mine.
Juniper
puddles <allthe...@yahoo.com> wrote:
I don't think it's your fault at all. My T said similar thing. Was
because he wanted to reassure me that he wouldn't be ab*sive like some
other m*n. No matter what happens, he says, I didn't have to fear that
s*x would happen. It's not about me being bad or part of me being bad
or anything like that. Is about him reassuring me that I would be safe.
I hear that you're having trouble understanding it in that way. I
believe he meant to reassure you, though. I think it would be a really
good idea to tell him how you heard it and what YOU think it means. You
and T need to talk it through. YOU ARE NOT BAD. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
Different people can use the same words to mean different things. It
can be confusing but who says the words and what one's experience has
been of that person have to be considered, too.
Please talk to T about it.
Juniper
astri
> t-bear is his name. k, but have to spoiler
> =
> =
> =
> =
> =
> =
> =
> =
> =
> =
> =
> =
> ==
> =
> =
>
> =
> is cause t said. said that. like brother. is hard. is hard to say
> what happen but t made us feel dirty and yucky and now feel like need
> to punish self cause i am a girl and also cause rape and this is why
> i am bad terrible person and my fault t said that about 'not going to
> happen'. did he think i would?? think i would do or try anything with
> t? makes it not ok. not not not.
t didn't think you would try anything with him
think t was trying to reassure you
because you were afraid to let *inappropriate talk to him
maybe he thought you could have been afraid of what *inappropriate
might do
so he said that to make sure you understood that he wouldn't go along
with doing that kind of thing with any of you
that's what we think
> brother asked on phone (and we toll t about) if we 'liked it' what
> was happening from step dad when we were little and thought that was
> bad question from brother to ask that and it hurt and made us feel
> yucky
yuck
brother was yuck question
> and then t trying to say that it is ok for *inappropriate puddle to
> talk to t by trying to make rules but t said 'cause it would not
> happen' meaning sex or something. WHY WOULD T THINK WE WOULD EVER
> EVER EVER EVER DO THAT??? Is because we are nasty dirty body and mind
> and think this is not ok that t said that and brother said that and
> rape too so no more cause is my fault.
no
not your fault
> we were *can't puddle yesterday. she doesn't like anyone to touch her
> ever and we toll t we were 'don't touch me' mood. then t trying to
> talk to oppiste puddle about sex was not ok. not not not.
>
> have to stop now. have to stop. is my fault.
isn't about fault
puddles
but brother said and rape and t said
makes us feel dirty yucky and like punish the body and think i did
something wrong.
can't talk to t cause its my fault. i wish i wasn't girl. wish i didn't
have a body. hate self hate. cause made t say that i must be something
wrong.
but can't tell t juniper, cant. too yucky.
puddles
thats what we thought at first too and made us feel safe but then
remembered brother question and how we told t that 'bothered us' and
then we were *can't puddles so we told t 'dont touch me' mood.
Think t said it to me a few minutes later. said 'would never happen' a
few minutes later and made us feel safe but then when we got home we
remembered brother and rape and is why it is our fault t said that cause
we are yucky dirty but also feels like t is yucky dirty too.
astri
> astri wrote:
>> On Tue, 16 Sep 2008, puddles wrote:
>>
>>> maybe have to get new t bear. miss my t bear in t's office and
>>> confused said to seems not fair. is my t-bear. but not fair but
>>> that is where t - bear lives.
>>
>> didn't you bring t bear there to have t bear live there to help you
>> when you needed help during t?
>
ok
puddles
yes did. t saw him hanging out of my purse and asked. was glad he asked.
made it ok to have t bear at office. is nice having t bear there when we
need him. but feels like we need him now. t bear is getting more
important than bed bear at home. maybe we have to go buy us a new bear
with new name for hurts like the hurts we have today. hurts a lot astri.
hurts like 'then' hurts.
astri
agree with juniper
t didn't say that because you are bad or dirty or did something wrong
t said that so you knew *he* isn't bad like the other men
> but can't tell t juniper, cant. too yucky.
:(
puddles
astri
this was what he was trying to do
> but then when we got home
> we remembered brother and rape and is why it is our fault t said that
> cause we are yucky dirty but also feels like t is yucky dirty too.
think you put two things together that don't belong together
think you need to take them out of same box
put them in different boxes
what t said and what brother said don't belong together
not at all
astri
> astri wrote:
>> On Tue, 16 Sep 2008, puddles wrote:
>>
>>> maybe have to get new t bear. miss my t bear in t's office and
>>> confused said to seems not fair. is my t-bear. but not fair but
>>> that is where t - bear lives.
>>
>> didn't you bring t bear there to have t bear live there to help you
>> when you needed help during t?
>
> asked. made it ok to have t bear at office. is nice having t bear
> there when we need him. but feels like we need him now. t bear is
> getting more important than bed bear at home. maybe we have to go buy
> us a new bear with new name for hurts like the hurts we have today.
> hurts a lot astri. hurts like 'then' hurts.
then is not now
now is not then
maybe t bear so important because lived at t's for a while?
maybe can buy new t bear and trade
bring old t bear home
and have new t bear at t's to live there for a while
so can have 2 t bears that are important and powerful
puddles
have to go think about boxes. cant post no more right now.
astri
cuz you've shared enough about t that we think we know what he's like
astri
ok
will be here for a while more
and then at work
and then back
puddles
don't know what to do. don't know. we started doing that email thingy
where you add to email all day and then send it at end of day so t only
has one email to deal with.
well, last night we were about done with Monday's email to send when
dirty yucky feelings came. so, instead of Monday email we wrote t and
said, ' can't send email dunno why'. then, we knew why and remembered
brother, rape and t. so, after we figured it out we had sent one more
email to t that said, 'i know why'.
now, t emailed back and says, ' why '.
cant write back. cant. don't know what to say. different puddles getting
in the way and cant write one single thing down cause all puddles
disagree. don't know what to do.
am going to cancel appt thurs cause is my fault. but can't email that.
want to write about yucky but then think still want to cancel and should
write cancel instead. then, think should write 10. cause is a 10 on
scale but then t will think we have too much drama all the time.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!!
puddles
t says i have shared enough with him that he 'knows me'.
i trust t to know me. is because you trust t too?
puddles
yes yes yes, can name one power bear!!!!! is good idea!!! is very good
idea!!! YAE, can have bear, is my bear and can have him if get new bear
for t's office to live!!! t bear can come home now. :)
Juniper
puddles <allthe...@yahoo.com> wrote:
This sounds like a good plan! :-)
Juniper
cometz
>
> - Show quoted text -
very sorry for this bad stuff inside making so much pain. think astri
and juniper are exactly right. think t was trying to say helping and
safety things. think cause of triggered selves it got all mixed in the
wrong places for youse. maybe you can write it down and send to t so
he can understand how bad it got for you. he sounds like good person
and it will help him know how tricky things can be sometimes and maybe
help him understand you better. he wouldn't be upset except that you
are upset. that is what we all think.
hope you feel better soon. wish we could send you a real t bear. what
colors are yours? we got a rabbit. he named rabbit. he is white. his
nose came off so we have to fix it. kat was very upset but now is ok.
rabbit is the best. also got pig. pig is good too. he is pink.
betsy
astri
(back for just a little)
> don't know what to do. don't know. we started doing that email thingy
> where you add to email all day and then send it at end of day so t
> only has one email to deal with.
>
> well, last night we were about done with Monday's email to send when
> dirty yucky feelings came. so, instead of Monday email we wrote t and
> said, ' can't send email dunno why'. then, we knew why and remembered
> brother, rape and t. so, after we figured it out we had sent one
> more email to t that said, 'i know why'.
>
> now, t emailed back and says, ' why '.
>
> cant write back. cant. don't know what to say. different puddles
> getting in the way and cant write one single thing down cause all
> puddles disagree. don't know what to do.
tell him all the different thinks?
> am going to cancel appt thurs cause is my fault. but can't email
> that. want to write about yucky but then think still want to cancel
> and should write cancel instead. then, think should write 10. cause
> is a 10 on scale but then t will think we have too much drama all the
> time.
>
> aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!!
don't think it is your fault.
don't think you should cancel.
think is important to stick with working through with him.
think is important to find way to do that.
is scary.
but now is not then.
these feelings are more about then than they are about now.
astri
>
> i trust t to know me. is because you trust t too?
are you asking if you trust t to know you because you think we trust t?
are you asking if we trust t too?
are you asking something different than either of those?
we think you have shared enough that we can know that t is consistent,
and that t is good with boundaries. those are important.
astri
> astri wrote:
>> On Tue, 16 Sep 2008, puddles wrote:
>>> astri wrote:
>>>> On Tue, 16 Sep 2008, puddles wrote:
>>>>
>>>>> maybe have to get new t bear. miss my t bear in t's office and
>>>>> confused said to seems not fair. is my t-bear. but not fair but
>>>>> that is where t - bear lives.
>>>>
>>>> didn't you bring t bear there to have t bear live there to help
>>>> you when you needed help during t?
>>>
>>> yes did. t saw him hanging out of my purse and asked. was glad he
>>> asked. made it ok to have t bear at office. is nice having t bear
>>> there when we need him. but feels like we need him now. t bear is
>>> getting more important than bed bear at home. maybe we have to go
>>> buy us a new bear with new name for hurts like the hurts we have
>>> today. hurts a lot astri. hurts like 'then' hurts.
>>
>> then is not now
>> now is not then
>>
>> maybe t bear so important because lived at t's for a while?
>> maybe can buy new t bear and trade
>> bring old t bear home
>> and have new t bear at t's to live there for a while
>> so can have 2 t bears that are important and powerful
>
> good idea!!! YAE, can have bear, is my bear and can have him if get
> new bear for t's office to live!!! t bear can come home now. :)
:)
Puddles
had to let it go. had to. was too much punish stuff. emailed it to t.
didn't want to so waited for mediator so she could send it. sent all of
it. every yucky bit so now is all done. can be a little diss and let go
for awhile. maybe tomorrow is a new day. maybe i will have bedder
understanding tomorrow. (long sigh)
Puddles
why do you think out t is good with boundaries? is because what he said?
is because he said, ' won't happen ' ? think we cross t's boundaries all
the time, too much. wish we didn't. think we do. we have a good t. he
works very hard to help us and puts up with us. don't know who else
would do that.
Puddles
k, we know better name. p-bear. we will name him p-bear. we will get new
bear for t office named p-bear and then t bear can come live here. makes
us feel bedder cause wish i had t bear right now. actually, t bear is
not a bear is a lamb i think lamb. but is soft and cudeley and makes
hurts ok to be hurts. we will get brown bear (not a lamb a real stuffy
brown bear) for t office. what color nose you think?
Puddles
nononononono, is not boundary is bad thing inside cause is body and
brother and t said and rape and know is nasty dirty nasty
erwij;okfjldsdkfsmlbody isisisisisisisis can feel it. can is bad person
body. hate hat hate hate hat eh ahte
is not 'let go' is punish more for tell t. cant win cant win cant win.
i am crzy huh? think i am terrible broken and cant fix. am cant breathe.
need to go find evl cause is cant breathe.
Puddles
sorry, was a wave of insanity. is ok. am letting go. have to let it go.
just get a little freaked out sometimes. sorry. sorry sorry. sorry, jus
need to get through this day and be ovver it and tomorrow is new day.
sorry, is bedder now jus lost breath and freaked out for a minute. makes
me panic. sorry. ok, done.
jill
puddles <allthe...@yahoo.com> wrote:
>Juniper wrote:
>> In article <6j8e93F...@mid.individual.net>,
>> Puddles <allthe...@yahoo.com> wrote:
>>
>>>> In article <6j8c4kF...@mid.individual.net>,
>>>> Puddles <allthe...@yahoo.com> wrote:
>>>>
>>>>> i have hurts. wish had t bear. have bed bear but want t bear at t
>>>>> office. cause am hurt and scared.
>>>> Might No-Name Bear help?
>>>>
>>>> Juniper
>>> k but want t bear but no want to see t no more. none. no more none. jus
>>> want t bear. can use noname til get new t bear k?
>>
>> That's fine. You can use noname as long as you need to or want to.
>>
>> Why don't want to see T no more? Maybe T bear works best when T there?
>>
>> My T has bear, too. I used to hold it, and now I just move it so it's
>> sitting right up next to me. Other T years ago had lots of stuffies.
>> When she went into hospital for operation I got to take bunny home with
>> me. Named her Veronica. Had to bring her back, but then T was back.
>>
>> Does T bear have a name?
>>
>> Juniper
>
>=
>=
>=
>=
>=
>=
>=
>=
>=
>=
>=
>=
>==
>=
>=
>
>=
>is cause t said. said that. like brother. is hard. is hard to say what
>happen but t made us feel dirty and yucky and now feel like need to
>punish self cause i am a girl and also cause rape and this is why i am
>bad terrible person and my fault t said that about 'not going to
>happen'. did he think i would?? think i would do or try anything with t?
>makes it not ok. not not not.
Nope, he was being clear with his boundaries to make you feel safe
that he could take care of himself. He was assuring you to not worry
that if one of you was doing/saying something inappropriate you t'pist
could handle it and keep it from making you feel bad.
>brother asked on phone (and we toll t about) if we 'liked it' what was
>happening from step dad when we were little and thought that was bad
>question from brother to ask that and it hurt and made us feel yucky
That was a not ok question for your brother! Either he did a bad
thing saying that or he was just not thinking. Either way, not your
problem.
>and then t trying to say that it is ok for *inappropriate puddle to talk
>to t by trying to make rules but t said 'cause it would not happen'
>meaning sex or something. WHY WOULD T THINK WE WOULD EVER EVER EVER EVER
Cause you have said here you are worried about what sie would do so
your t'pist is just stating clearly that you can relax, nothing is
going to happen. _He_ isn't going to something bad EVER and if one of
you said something not ok he would be able to stop it before the rest
of you felt badly about it.
Btw, this is standard good t'pist stuff. It isn't just about any of
you. It is generic what a good t'pist says in this sort of situation
with ANY client! Really!
>DO THAT??? Is because we are nasty dirty body and mind and think this is
>not ok that t said that and brother said that and rape too so no more
>cause is my fault.
>
>we were *can't puddle yesterday. she doesn't like anyone to touch her
>ever and we toll t we were 'don't touch me' mood. then t trying to talk
>to oppiste puddle about sex was not ok. not not not.
>
>have to stop now. have to stop. is my fault.
Nope, not your fault. Just lots of mixed up stuff going on that needs
time to calm down and sort out. You definitely have a good t'pist!
Rainbow Colors (Jill)
--
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The colors blend, the edges soften. Swirling and mixing
we are becoming white light.
ji...@tuells.org
jill
Your t'pist sounds so much like our bestest t'pist. He was totally
safe and handled what we dumped in his lap over and over and over.
You have a lot of stuff swirling around right now and it has to calm
and sort, but so far what your t'pist has says has been truth so I'm
thinking this time is truth too.
jill
>didn't want to so waited for mediator so she could send it. sent all of
>it. every yucky bit so now is all done. can be a little diss and let go
>for awhile. maybe tomorrow is a new day. maybe i will have bedder
>understanding tomorrow. (long sigh)
You do so much very hard work. Good job! You dumped it all so the
t'pist can handle it and you get to diss some and relax and take a
breath for now. Fantastic! That is very smart, to let you all take
a break.
Wanna post jello stuff for fun? :)
astri
good
> didn't want to so waited for mediator so she could send it. sent all
> of it. every yucky bit so now is all done. can be a little diss and
> let go for awhile. maybe tomorrow is a new day. maybe i will have
> bedder understanding tomorrow. (long sigh)
yes, tomorrow is a new day
astri
> astri wrote:
>>
>> we think you have shared enough that we can know that t is
>> consistent, and that t is good with boundaries. those are
>> important.
>
> said? is because he said, ' won't happen ' ? think we cross t's
> boundaries all the time, too much. wish we didn't. think we do. we
> have a good t. he works very hard to help us and puts up with us.
> don't know who else would do that.
not just because of what you said he said today. because of what you
have said he said lots of times and because of what you posted of the
email he wrote to you.
astri
> new bear for t office named p-bear and then t bear can come live
> here. makes us feel bedder cause wish i had t bear right now.
> actually, t bear is not a bear is a lamb i think lamb. but is soft
> and cudeley and makes hurts ok to be hurts. we will get brown bear
> (not a lamb a real stuffy brown bear) for t office. what color nose
> you think?
ok
dunno what color nose
think soft and cuddly more important than color
astri
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> makes us feel dirty yucky and like punish the body and think
>>>>>>>> i did something wrong.
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> can't talk to t cause its my fault. i wish i wasn't girl. wish
>>>>>>>> i didn't have a body. hate self hate. cause made t say that i
>>>>>>>> must be something wrong.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> agree with juniper t didn't say that because you are bad or
>>>>>>> dirty or did something wrong t said that so you knew *he* isn't
>>>>>>> bad like the other men
>>>>>>>
>>>>>> how do you know for sure?
>>>>>
>>>>> cuz you've shared enough about t that we think we know what he's
>>>>> like
>>>>
>>>> t says i have shared enough with him that he 'knows me'.
>>>>
>>>> i trust t to know me. is because you trust t too?
>>>
>>> are you asking if you trust t to know you because you think we
>>> trust t? are you asking if we trust t too? are you asking something
>>> different than either of those?
>>>
>>> we think you have shared enough that we can know that t is
>>> consistent, and that t is good with boundaries. those are
>>> important.
>>
>> said? is because he said, ' won't happen ' ? think we cross t's
>> boundaries all the time, too much. wish we didn't. think we do. we
>> have a good t. he works very hard to help us and puts up with us.
>> don't know who else would do that.
>
> nononononono, is not boundary is bad thing inside cause is body and
> brother and t said and rape and know is nasty dirty nasty
> erwij;okfjldsdkfsmlbody isisisisisisisis can feel it. can is bad
> person body. hate hat hate hate hat eh ahte is not 'let go' is punish
> more for tell t. cant win cant win cant win. i am crzy huh? think i
> am terrible broken and cant fix. am cant breathe. need to go find evl
> cause is cant breathe.
can breathe
will breathe
now is not then
is all confused now
is too much being mushed together
now is not then
t is now not then
just breathe
astri
>>> said? is because he said, ' won't happen ' ? think we cross t's
>>> boundaries all the time, too much. wish we didn't. think we do. we
>>> have a good t. he works very hard to help us and puts up with us.
>>> don't know who else would do that.
>>
>> nononononono, is not boundary is bad thing inside cause is body and
>> brother and t said and rape and know is nasty dirty nasty
>> erwij;okfjldsdkfsmlbody isisisisisisisis can feel it. can is bad
>> person body. hate hat hate hate hat eh ahte is not 'let go' is
>> punish more for tell t. cant win cant win cant win. i am crzy huh?
>> think i am terrible broken and cant fix. am cant breathe. need to
>> go find evl cause is cant breathe.
>
> sorry, was a wave of insanity. is ok. am letting go. have to let it
> go. just get a little freaked out sometimes. sorry. sorry sorry.
> sorry, jus need to get through this day and be ovver it and tomorrow
> is new day. sorry, is bedder now jus lost breath and freaked out for
> a minute. makes me panic. sorry. ok, done.
here is an ok place to get a little freaked out
isn't a problem here
just breathe
confused
hi. was good you sent it. sorry so hard. hope tomorrow is better
understanding
we sort reading. is hard though. we can't think about it. not now. sorry.
wish we could help.
puddles
think so too. maybe has calmed down some today. in waves. hate it when
it is in waves cause don't know when it is going to end.
puddles
i am very lucky. i hope i don't make him give up on me. think i can be
too much for him at times cause so much so much drama. would drive me
crazy if i had a client like me. he is our bestest t too. longest t
ever. he knows me and still keeps helping me. i exist now cause of t's
help. worried he is going to be mad at me for all this.
puddles
Yes, think need jello please. what flavor are you considering?
puddles
is tomorrow now and is new yes.
puddles
> On Tue, 16 Sep 2008, Puddles wrote:
>> astri wrote:
>>>
>>> we think you have shared enough that we can know that t is
>>> consistent, and that t is good with boundaries. those are
>>> important.
>>
>> why do you think out t is good with boundaries? is because what he
>> said? is because he said, ' won't happen ' ? think we cross t's
>> boundaries all the time, too much. wish we didn't. think we do. we
>> have a good t. he works very hard to help us and puts up with us.
>> don't know who else would do that.
>
> not just because of what you said he said today. because of what you
> have said he said lots of times and because of what you posted of the
> email he wrote to you.
>
> -- astri
is good you kept reminding me that t is exceptional good t and not yucky
t. needed to remember.
puddles
copy, print and put in front of my face cause need to remember this.
comes and goes.
puddles
hope t isn't mad cause i toll him. i freak out with t too. need to gain
some control we think. :/
gathring
don't want to be discouraging, but life is always in waves, just like
ocean. sometimes gentle waves, sometimes crashing waves, sometimes
playful waves. sometimes its hard to get into the rhythm of the waves,
and then life is harder because you are fighting against the waves.
--
“There are two major products that came out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.
We don't believe this to be a coincidence.” -- Jeremy S. Anderson
puddles
hi, thanks. yes, is better understanding today.
astri
> think so too. maybe has calmed down some today. in waves. hate it
> when it is in waves cause don't know when it is going to end.
but does end
astri
> astri wrote:
>>
>> yes, tomorrow is a new day
>
good
astri
>> On Tue, 16 Sep 2008, Puddles wrote:
>>> astri wrote:
>>>>
>>>> we think you have shared enough that we can know that t is
>>>> consistent, and that t is good with boundaries. those are
>>>> important.
>>>
>>> why do you think out t is good with boundaries? is because what he
>>> said? is because he said, ' won't happen ' ? think we cross t's
>>> boundaries all the time, too much. wish we didn't. think we do. we
>>> have a good t. he works very hard to help us and puts up with us.
>>> don't know who else would do that.
>>
>> not just because of what you said he said today. because of what
>> you have said he said lots of times and because of what you posted
>> of the email he wrote to you.
>
> yucky t. needed to remember.
yes
astri
> comes and goes.
ok
astri
> astri wrote:
>>>>>>>>
>>> sorry, was a wave of insanity. is ok. am letting go. have to let it
>>> go. just get a little freaked out sometimes. sorry. sorry sorry.
>>> sorry, jus need to get through this day and be ovver it and
>>> tomorrow is new day. sorry, is bedder now jus lost breath and
>>> freaked out for a minute. makes me panic. sorry. ok, done.
>>
>> here is an ok place to get a little freaked out
>> isn't a problem here
>>
>> just breathe
>
> gain some control we think. :/
he's prolly not mad
will gain control eventually
astri
> puddles wrote:
>>
>> think so too. maybe has calmed down some today. in waves. hate it
>> when it is in waves cause don't know when it is going to end.
>
> don't want to be discouraging, but life is always in waves, just like
> ocean. sometimes gentle waves, sometimes crashing waves, sometimes
> playful waves. sometimes its hard to get into the rhythm of the
> waves, and then life is harder because you are fighting against the
> waves.
oh, yes
and remember that you *do* know how to surf!
gathring
Yes!
Puddles
think he is mad. we cancelled appt for tomorrow. he never emailed back
regarding our yucky meltdown. think he is mad, prolly very mad. scared
to email him. i promised i wouldn't bother him with anymore emails when
i sent the last email to cancel the appointment. maybe he misunderstands
yucky thing. maybe he thinks i am a bad person. he is mad, i know it. :(
Puddles
yes yes yes. and i remember. hold on to surfboard and turn upside down
when big waves come. i remember, hold breath and hold on to the board!
Puddles
> astri wrote:
>> On Wed, 17 Sep 2008, gathring wrote:
>>> puddles wrote:
>>>>
>>>> think so too. maybe has calmed down some today. in waves. hate it
>>>> when it is in waves cause don't know when it is going to end.
>>>
>>> don't want to be discouraging, but life is always in waves, just like
>>> ocean. sometimes gentle waves, sometimes crashing waves, sometimes
>>> playful waves. sometimes its hard to get into the rhythm of the
>>> waves, and then life is harder because you are fighting against the
>>> waves.
>>
>> oh, yes
>>
>> and remember that you *do* know how to surf!
>>
>> -- astri
>>
>> ======================
>> to email send to astri
>> ======================
>> at volcano dot org
>> ======================
>
> Yes!
>
and have gathring pics to remind me of beach at home. :)
Puddles
wish someone was here now. we are hurts. maybe soon.
Puddles
still here.
gathring
here for a few minutes
astri
> astri wrote:
>> On Wed, 17 Sep 2008, puddles wrote:
>>> astri wrote:
>>>> On Tue, 16 Sep 2008, Puddles wrote:
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>> sorry, was a wave of insanity. is ok. am letting go. have to let
>>>>> it go. just get a little freaked out sometimes. sorry. sorry
>>>>> sorry. sorry, jus need to get through this day and be ovver it
>>>>> and tomorrow is new day. sorry, is bedder now jus lost breath and
>>>>> freaked out for a minute. makes me panic. sorry. ok, done.
>>>>
>>>> here is an ok place to get a little freaked out
>>>> isn't a problem here
>>>>
>>>> just breathe
>>>
>>> hope t isn't mad cause i toll him. i freak out with t too. need to
>>> gain some control we think. :/
>>
>> he's prolly not mad
>> will gain control eventually
>
> back regarding our yucky meltdown. think he is mad, prolly very mad.
did you ask for response in email? if you didn't ask for response,
then maybe he doesn't know you want one.
> scared to email him. i promised i wouldn't bother him with anymore
> emails when i sent the last email to cancel the appointment. maybe he
> misunderstands yucky thing. maybe he thinks i am a bad person. he is
> mad, i know it. :(
doubt it
astri
> astri wrote:
>> On Wed, 17 Sep 2008, gathring wrote:
>>> puddles wrote:
>>>>
>>>> think so too. maybe has calmed down some today. in waves. hate it
>>>> when it is in waves cause don't know when it is going to end.
>>>
>>> don't want to be discouraging, but life is always in waves, just
>>> like ocean. sometimes gentle waves, sometimes crashing waves,
>>> sometimes playful waves. sometimes its hard to get into the rhythm
>>> of the waves, and then life is harder because you are fighting
>>> against the waves.
>>
>> oh, yes
>>
>> and remember that you *do* know how to surf!
>
> down when big waves come. i remember, hold breath and hold on to the
> board!
yes
Puddles
ok, hi.
Puddles
remembered this time (just before you wrote this) about being clear
about responses. so we wrote in subject, 'need response' and asked to if
he was mad. he just responded a little bit ago and said no, but that he
was confused and then asked if he said something inappropriate.
now we feel really really really bad. we responded by asking if we can
still see him tomorrow even though we canceled with office. not sure if
he will get it in time, we are usually first appt. on thursdays. :(
gathring
hi
jill
>>>>>> In article <6ja0upF...@mid.individual.net>,
>>>>>> puddles <allthe...@yahoo.com> wrote:
>>>>>>> Juniper wrote:
>>>>>>>> In article <6j8e93F...@mid.individual.net>,
>>>>>>> t-bear is his name. k, but have to spoiler
>>>>>>> =
>>>>>>> =
>>>>>>> =
>>>>>>> =
>>>>>>> =
>>>>>>> =
>>>>>>> =
>>>>>>> =
>>>>>>> =
>>>>>>> =
>>>>>>> =
>>>>>>> =
>>>>>>> ==
>>>>>>> =
>>>>>>> =
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> =
>>>>>>> is cause t said. said that. like brother. is hard. is hard to say
>>>>>>> what happen but t made us feel dirty and yucky and now feel like
>>>>>>> need to punish self cause i am a girl and also cause rape and this
>>>>>>> is why i am bad terrible person and my fault t said that about 'not
>>>>>>> going to happen'. did he think i would?? think i would do or try
>>>>>>> anything with t? makes it not ok. not not not.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> was happening from step dad when we were little and thought that
>>>>>>> was bad question from brother to ask that and it hurt and made us
>>>>>>> feel yucky
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> talk to t by trying to make rules but t said 'cause it would not
>>>>>>> happen' meaning sex or something. WHY WOULD T THINK WE WOULD EVER
>>>>>>> mind and think this is not ok that t said that and brother said
>>>>>>> that and rape too so no more cause is my fault.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> we were *can't puddle yesterday. she doesn't like anyone to touch
>>>>>>> her ever and we toll t we were 'don't touch me' mood. then t trying
>>>>>>> to talk to oppiste puddle about sex was not ok. not not not.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> have to stop now. have to stop. is my fault.
>> safe and handled what we dumped in his lap over and over and over.
>> You have a lot of stuff swirling around right now and it has to calm
>> and sort, but so far what your t'pist has says has been truth so I'm
>> thinking this time is truth too.
>>
>> Rainbow Colors (Jill)
>
>i am very lucky. i hope i don't make him give up on me. think i can be
>too much for him at times cause so much so much drama. would drive me
>crazy if i had a client like me. he is our bestest t too. longest t
>ever. he knows me and still keeps helping me. i exist now cause of t's
>help. worried he is going to be mad at me for all this.
I really really doubt he's mad at you! Speaking as a t'pist, I would
appreciate having a client like you cause you clearly _want_ to work
on stuff and clearly are making changes (not always clear cut or
ones you like, but you _are_ growing:). The clients that are hard for
t'pists are the ones who don't change or grow or try or _anything_!
Cause then we second guess ourselves: are we doing something wrong,
should we find that person a different t'pist, is it us, is it a
personality clash, what might help this person more... You are clearly
NOT a client like that!!!!!!
As for drama, I think that is an old tape in your head. We used to
get 'stop making a big deal out of nothing' :P I don't get 'drama'
when I read your stuff. Confusion, frustration, overwhelmed, yes.
Rainbow Colors (Jill)
--
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The colors blend, the edges soften. Swirling and mixing
we are becoming white light.
ji...@tuells.org
jill
>>
>> Rainbow Colors (Jill)
>
>Yes, think need jello please. what flavor are you considering?
Ok, so I only do blue jello posts now cause that was _the_ flavor
in stargate. :)
Jello... today in class we played volleyball. The point of these
days is to learn about the game so we can learn how to train someone
who comes to us and says 'I play x and want to get better' or 'I
hurt my shoulder playing x and want to heal' and so on.
Well, we all know basically how to play and we all like playing just
because it's fun, not as a 'sport'. The person in charge wanted us
to learn rules and all that :P That was NOT fun!
But the people on my team were goofing off so much it was hard to take
it seriously and so we just goofed off and got sand in our underwear
and fell on our faces and crashed into each other and all that. It was
very very silly.
Tomorrow we are going to learn how to play frisbee!
Puddles
we are back, but only for a few, is bed time.
Puddles
miss t- bear.
a@a.a wrote:
> ...are you guys talking about cuppy ?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>> On Tue, 16 Sep 2008, Puddles wrote:
>>> astri wrote:
>>>> On Tue, 16 Sep 2008, puddles wrote:
>>>>> astri wrote:
>>>>>> On Tue, 16 Sep 2008, puddles wrote:
>>>>>>> astri wrote:
>>>>>>>> On Tue, 16 Sep 2008, puddles wrote:
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>> maybe have to get new t bear. miss my t bear in t's office
>>>>>>>>> and
>>>>>>>>> confused said to seems not fair. is my t-bear. but not fair
>>>>>>>>> but
>>>>>>>>> that is where t - bear lives.
>>>>>>>> didn't you bring t bear there to have t bear live there to
>>>>>>>> help
>>>>>>>> you when you needed help during t?
>>>>>>> yes did. t saw him hanging out of my purse and asked. was glad
>>>>>>> he
>>>>>>> asked. made it ok to have t bear at office. is nice having t
>>>>>>> bear
>>>>>>> there when we need him. but feels like we need him now. t bear
>>>>>>> is getting more important than bed bear at home. maybe we have
>>>>>>> to
>>>>>>> go buy us a new bear with new name for hurts like the hurts we
>>>>>>> have today. hurts a lot astri. hurts like 'then' hurts.
>>>>>> then is not now
>>>>>> now is not then
>>>>>>
>>>>>> maybe t bear so important because lived at t's for a while?
>>>>>> maybe can buy new t bear and trade
>>>>>> bring old t bear home
>>>>>> and have new t bear at t's to live there for a while
>>>>>> so can have 2 t bears that are important and powerful
>>>>> yes yes yes, can name one power bear!!!!! is good idea!!! is very
>>>>> good idea!!! YAE, can have bear, is my bear and can have him if
>>>>> get new bear for t's office to live!!! t bear can come home now.
>>>>> :)
>>>> :)
>>> k, we know better name. p-bear. we will name him p-bear. we will
>>> get
>>> new bear for t office named p-bear and then t bear can come live
>>> here. makes us feel bedder cause wish i had t bear right now.
>>> actually, t bear is not a bear is a lamb i think lamb. but is soft
>>> and cudeley and makes hurts ok to be hurts. we will get brown bear
>>> (not a lamb a real stuffy brown bear) for t office. what color nose
>>> you think?
>> ok
>>
>> dunno what color nose
>> think soft and cuddly more important than color
Puddles
we emailed, he's not. one of our littles always thinks t is mad and is
always worried about it. always.
Speaking as a t'pist, I would
> appreciate having a client like you cause you clearly _want_ to work
> on stuff and clearly are making changes (not always clear cut or
> ones you like, but you _are_ growing:).
(puddle with her proud smile) our t had once said that he likes that we
are always working on stuff outside of sessions. he said that most of
his pts dont. so that made us feel good.
The clients that are hard for
> t'pists are the ones who don't change or grow or try or _anything_!
> Cause then we second guess ourselves: are we doing something wrong,
> should we find that person a different t'pist, is it us, is it a
> personality clash, what might help this person more... You are clearly
> NOT a client like that!!!!!!
nope nope nope. do you really think i am growing?
>
> As for drama, I think that is an old tape in your head. We used to
> get 'stop making a big deal out of nothing'
yes, exactly. that is what we mean by drama. foo tell us to get over it.
:P I don't get 'drama'
> when I read your stuff. Confusion, frustration, overwhelmed, yes.
we need to be told stuff like this.
>
> Rainbow Colors (Jill)
>
like this post. made me feel better about being a client. maybe i am not
so bad.
gathring
ok
Puddles
>>> Wanna post jello stuff for fun? :)
>>>
>>> Rainbow Colors (Jill)
>> Yes, think need jello please. what flavor are you considering?
>
> Ok, so I only do blue jello posts now cause that was _the_ flavor
> in stargate. :)
>
> Jello... today in class we played volleyball. The point of these
> days is to learn about the game so we can learn how to train someone
> who comes to us and says 'I play x and want to get better' or 'I
> hurt my shoulder playing x and want to heal' and so on.
>
> Well, we all know basically how to play and we all like playing just
> because it's fun, not as a 'sport'. The person in charge wanted us
> to learn rules and all that :P That was NOT fun!
>
> But the people on my team were goofing off so much it was hard to take
> it seriously and so we just goofed off and got sand in our underwear
> and fell on our faces and crashed into each other and all that. It was
> very very silly.
>
> Tomorrow we are going to learn how to play frisbee!
>
> Rainbow Colors (Jill)
:))) I remember the sand in the bottoms dilemma when lived in cali.
never knew vollyball had bunches of rules? how about frisbee? do you
have to learn the rules to that too?? :)))
hmmm, blue jello. let me see. we have an 85 gallon fish tank and have
had the same fish for about 10 years- 2 sharks, a gar pike and a 16 inch
picasomous (algae sucker). Well, over the past couple of years, they
have one by one passed on and then a couple of months ago, the last
shark gave up.
so, we got to go out and pick brand new fish for the tank. we picked 5
angel fish. they are all different looking. some look like tiger stripes
and one is spotted black and white. we also got a catfish (who will also
get very very big) and 2 picasomous.
they are all babies so we go up to the glass and talk to them every day
because we think that maybe they are scared about their new home and
also cause our kitty is completely fascinated with new fish in tank so
kitty has been sleeping on top and peeking over the side every time
kitty wakes up.
we will have to take pics for flicker.
ok, done.
Puddles
k, nite gathring, nite jill. be back tomorrow k?
astri
> wish someone was here now. we are hurts. maybe soon.
hi
gathring
nite, sleep gently
astri
> astri wrote:
>>
>>> scared to email him. i promised i wouldn't bother him with anymore
>>> emails when i sent the last email to cancel the appointment. maybe
>>> he misunderstands yucky thing. maybe he thinks i am a bad person.
>>> he is mad, i know it. :(
>>
>> doubt it
>
> about responses. so we wrote in subject, 'need response' and asked to
god for you
> if he was mad. he just responded a little bit ago and said no, but
> that he was confused and then asked if he said something
> inappropriate.
he's a good t
> now we feel really really really bad. we responded by asking if we
> can still see him tomorrow even though we canceled with office. not
> sure if he will get it in time, we are usually first appt. on
> thursdays. :(
:/
astri
> Tomorrow we are going to learn how to play frisbee!
ultimate frisbee?
puddles
t got last email and said, of course you can still see me on Thurs. :)
Will schedule later for afternoon though since office had to re-arrange
cause i had canceled. i am such an inconvenience. :(
puddles
what is ultimate frisbee?
Stavrogin
> I really really doubt he's mad at you! Speaking as a t'pist, I would
> appreciate having a client like you cause you clearly _want_ to work
> on stuff and clearly are making changes (not always clear cut or
> ones you like, but you _are_ growing:). The clients that are hard for
> t'pists are the ones who don't change or grow or try or _anything_!
> Cause then we second guess ourselves: are we doing something wrong,
> should we find that person a different t'pist, is it us, is it a
> personality clash, what might help this person more... You are clearly
> NOT a client like that!!!!!!
Oh no, I was an awful patient! I only started to listen to what my dr.
said after I stopped seeing him. :P
Some of me is really, really stubborn. My last dr. was pretty good,
but he got fed up with me. Last couple of times I saw him he implied I
was wasting my money by seeing him. Made a lot of progress since then
though...
puddles
ouch! what a mean thing to say! My philosophy is even if a person is in
complete denial, at least they are here/there (in treatment anyway)!
Some effort (of coming to the appointment) is better than no effort
which is progress!
gathring
not an inconvenience. is good for people to have change in your life, so
you are a change generator.
gathring
can't be ready to do this work until you're ready. you must not have
been ready at that point.
astri
> t got last email and said, of course you can still see me on Thurs.
good
> :) Will schedule later for afternoon though since office had to
> re-arrange cause i had canceled. i am such an inconvenience. :(
sigh
astri
>> On Wed, 17 Sep 2008, jill wrote:
>>
>>> Tomorrow we are going to learn how to play frisbee!
>>
>> ultimate frisbee?
>
heh
we never played
but it used to be the big rage when we went to college
kind of a cross between frisbee and football
astri
were you working on the right things?
astri
> On Thu, 18 Sep 2008, Stavrogin wrote:
>>
>> Oh no, I was an awful patient! I only started to listen to what my
>> dr. said after I stopped seeing him. :P Some of me is really, really
>> stubborn. My last dr. was pretty good, but he got fed up with me.
>> Last couple of times I saw him he implied I was wasting my money by
>> seeing him. Made a lot of progress since then though...
>
> were you working on the right things?
prolly should have said: was *he* working on the right things?
Juniper
astri <as...@invalid.invalid> wrote:
> On Thu, 18 Sep 2008, puddles wrote:
> > astri wrote:
> >> On Wed, 17 Sep 2008, jill wrote:
> >>
> >>> Tomorrow we are going to learn how to play frisbee!
> >>
> >> ultimate frisbee?
> >
> > what is ultimate frisbee?
>
> heh
>
> we never played
> but it used to be the big rage when we went to college
> kind of a cross between frisbee and football
There's also a cross between frisbee and golf that some played at camp
in years past. Frolf?
Juniper, not a jock