so tired
cometz
real. a bit more whole.
but here i am this year. anxiety swallowing me to the point of
shivering nausea. standing in line at the grocery store. long line.
ppl being ridiculous about snow. i have to get cat food. no choice. 30
minutes in line and the shakes start, my stomach rolls. kat starts to
whimper and i feel tears coming. stick it out and fall into car
trembling and destroyed.
the rage i felt i was beginning to understand, talk myself away from,
is back in its eye bulging screaming teeth gritting vise. only done in
private, not in front of or at others in person. still hideous but
only to myselves.
i see how others see me more and more. they see an aging woman working
odd jobs coping with clear anxiety, too much talking, too much
reassuring, too much explaining they don't need or want. then they
reassure me and i see how pathetic i must be in their eyes.
i see my mother thru my son's eyes. i recoil as he does and i did when
they were my eyes and my mother. he barely bothers with contact any
more. i can't fix this. it is decades too late and he is gone. he
wants none of me.
i met a man. smart. funny with humor i know. has spent his life doing,
learning, doing more and being loved by many. creative and energetic.
he has made overtures. how do i explain? "i'm sorry i can't be
involved in a relationship. i can't take any more people waiting for
me to 'get better.' i can't show you my body cause there are ugly
scars all over it. you would be disgusted. i am. i can't be involved
with anyone cause my body doesn't work right. what you find lovely i
find terrifying. i can't let you know me cause i can't stand myself
and that would wear you out and make you want to get away and i can't
take that anymore either."
so we converse in email. we banter and i know this is the best it will
be. in a few weeks he will realize his mistake and i will be relieved
of trying to pretend i'm ok.
my one day a week job is disappearing. it is on fridays and the next
two fridays are hol. so store is closed and then i think she doesn't
need me anymore.
i don't even want anyone to respond. there isn't anything to say. i
want to be gone. i can't pretend about myself any longer. i just
can't. so deeply broken. so badly flawed. the next few decades are
going to be getting thru, not living. i really want my space on the
side of a mountain. out of sight, out of mind. i think that's my
motto.
betsy
Puddles
sorry to respond, wanted to because this is not how i see you. I see
someone who changed me countless times with support, honesty and true
caring.
I see a gifted person who knows how to respond to others in need. Im
sorry it is so hard for you to ask for help when you need. its seems you
barely ever need so its hard to imagine your new email friend would ever
consider you 'waiting to get better'. You are already here!
Sometimes i think when you can consider selfishness, it can help. To
realize this life, your life, is yours. You will only see it through
'your eyes' and this is what matters. In the scheme of things, there is
only one you and one life so this *really* is all about you (my
definition of my own distorted selfish thinking but it helps me sometimes)
and... if your life belongs to you, who cares what others think or do.
its you that matters to you. your impact on others is in 'their' eyes
and there is no way of knowing what or how much that could possibly mean.
In other words, have you ever met someone you felt sorry for? If so, did
you ever consider that you are 'changing their life' for the emotion of
caring for them without as much as verbalizing it?
This is you. This is who you are. In my eyes, one of the best friends I
have ever encountered in my entire life along side astri, EB, confused,
Jill, Tony, and everyone here including a@.
We are gifted, we are unlike others in our environment, this is why asd
is so dear to us. Because we bond through the gift of knowledge.
Actually, I am not sure I would be as 'close' to you as I am without
these things you listed. These things are life. Real life.
I hope this post is coming out positive in a deep understanding of 'who
we are' type of way. Just that, I can hear you and I understand you and
the gifted part actually feels it as if i was experiencing it myself at
this moment. I couldn't ask for a more closer dear friend then someone
who knows how what to say when I am in need. PPl need you, i need
you.... Its ok to need. Its normal life. Anxiety socks, it makes it seem
worse, but i am so glad you are here.
astri
:(
is very sad
think maybe is harder this year cuz of the added economic stress
that makes everything harder
so much sad
-- astri
======================
to email send to astri
======================
at volcano dot org
======================
jill
in healing than you realize right now. I think something (seasonal,
environmental, hormonal) has knocked you off track temporarily. It
happens to all of us. You have NOT lost what you gained, it is just
temporarily shelved until you regroup. It would be nice if you could
figure out what happened, cause then you might be able to shorten the
duration, or you just grit your teeth and wait it out. It _will_ get
better. I am completely sure of this. I have seen your progress over
the years and I _know_ you are further along than you used to be. That
sort of growth doesn't go away, it just gets stuck sometimes.
Oh, as for waiting in line at stores, what the heck is it with people
right now?!?! They are total and complete IDIOTS when it comes to
lines and shopping. It is worse this year than in the past, I'm sure
of it. It has been going on for several weeks I think and I can't wait
for it to stop! Of course *sheepish grin* I was contributing to it
today... I had a list and three stores to go to and I spent a lot of
time standing in people's way checking the list and talking to myself.
At least I have the grace to apologize!! *smile*
Rainbow Colors (Jill)
In article <5fed6b70-a150-4c9f...@26g2000yqo.googlegroups.com>,
--
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The colors blend, the edges soften. Swirling and mixing
we are becoming white light.
ji...@tuells.org
Puddles
i was hoping she would be back today. :(
confuzzled
> so many years of this. i really thought i was getting better. more
> real. a bit more whole.
we think you under rating the stuff you been through this year. lots of
hard stuff. that stuff matters. that stuff is going to have impact
>
> but here i am this year. anxiety swallowing me to the point of
> shivering nausea. standing in line at the grocery store. long line.
> ppl being ridiculous about snow. i have to get cat food. no choice. 30
> minutes in line and the shakes start, my stomach rolls. kat starts to
> whimper and i feel tears coming. stick it out and fall into car
> trembling and destroyed.
we understand that sort of thing. hate that we do it.
>
> the rage i felt i was beginning to understand, talk myself away from,
> is back in its eye bulging screaming teeth gritting vise. only done in
> private, not in front of or at others in person. still hideous but
> only to myselves.
>
regrets
> i see how others see me more and more. they see an aging woman working
> odd jobs coping with clear anxiety, too much talking, too much
> reassuring, too much explaining they don't need or want. then they
> reassure me and i see how pathetic i must be in their eyes.
>
we have a volunteer. nice person. comes in. talks a lot. explains.
probably too much explaining. needs reassurance. none of the staff see
her as pathetic. she is good person. we glad for her help
your perception of how others judge you is influenced by your own harsh
judgment of self
> i see my mother thru my son's eyes. i recoil as he does and i did when
> they were my eyes and my mother. he barely bothers with contact any
> more. i can't fix this. it is decades too late and he is gone. he
> wants none of me.
regrets
>
> i met a man. smart. funny with humor i know. has spent his life doing,
> learning, doing more and being loved by many. creative and energetic.
> he has made overtures. how do i explain? "i'm sorry i can't be
> involved in a relationship. i can't take any more people waiting for
> me to 'get better.' i can't show you my body cause there are ugly
> scars all over it. you would be disgusted. i am. i can't be involved
> with anyone cause my body doesn't work right. what you find lovely i
> find terrifying. i can't let you know me cause i can't stand myself
> and that would wear you out and make you want to get away and i can't
> take that anymore either."
>
:(
> so we converse in email. we banter and i know this is the best it will
> be. in a few weeks he will realize his mistake and i will be relieved
> of trying to pretend i'm ok.
>
<sigh>
> my one day a week job is disappearing. it is on fridays and the next
> two fridays are hol. so store is closed and then i think she doesn't
> need me anymore.
>
:/
> i don't even want anyone to respond. there isn't anything to say. i
> want to be gone. i can't pretend about myself any longer. i just
> can't. so deeply broken. so badly flawed. the next few decades are
> going to be getting thru, not living. i really want my space on the
> side of a mountain. out of sight, out of mind. i think that's my
> motto.
>
> betsy
>
don't have to pretend here
and you may not be able to pretend here, but you can't stop us from
seeing all of you. you only see the broken. we see more. think other
people in your life see more.