Re: popping in to whine, maybe...
Emerging Butterfly
> x-no-archive: yes
x-no-archive: yes
was glad to see you posting again. i'm sort of up for a bit and it's
middle of night so not very awake. but i find what you're saying in
these posts compelling, powerful. wish could reply more. but can't
just now.
>
> Hmmm....
>
> It is, like, 1 AM. I was fine until I started imagining writing a
> fiction novel and started tooling around with some of my own life
> experiences (imaging what it would be like for a fictional character
> to have similar experiences) and then I got caught up in some of
> them. I am less caught up now, but I'm still a bit wiggy.
>
> Though I'm not sure that's what set it off.
>
> Beep! Beep! Beep!
>
> Beep! Beep! Beep!
>
> Why do I want to scream?
>
> Earlier this week I was thinking about how well I've been doing. In
> part because therapy frustrates me and I sometimes want to just quit.
> Thinking: if I am doing well, why keep doing it? I don't know what to
> say. I never know what to say. I vascillate from being nice and
> pleasant and funny and verbal to being all weird and nonverbal and
> evidently distressed. Then I tell myself that the weird and nonverbal
> and distressed stuff isn't really me, that it's just some kind of
> game. But I don't think that's true.
>
> My abortive ideas for a fiction novel involved something like this:
> someone who thinks that nothing is wrong, who judges herself for
> acting like something is wrong. But something really is wrong.
>
> words words words words words words
>
> !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
>
> WORDS
> WORDS
> BLAH BLAH BLAH
>
> what
> WORDS
> what
> WORDS
>
> wrong. Not wrong. Wrong. Not wrong. Wrong. Not wrong. Wrong.
> Not wrong. Wrong. Not wrong. Wrong. Not wrong.
>
> but it doesn't help.
>
> it doesn't help
> it doesn't help
> it doesn't help
>
> wrong wrong wrong wrong
>
> it doesn't help
> help
Emerging Butterfly
*snipped all of it since i'm not answering any of it directly*
seems like you're referring to very real stuff here.
i have a couple suggestions:
One is to use this group as a place to get some of it out. you write
powerfully and maybe parts (everyone has em!:P) could learn to feel
safe getting it out here. the group has great reality checks and ideas
for containment if it all starts to get too much. also, i selfishly
want to see you post more:)
Another is to set up safe places inside and containment devices so
that maybe you can explore more in therapy without fearing so much
that it will all go out of control.
another is continuing to talk and explore this stuff in therapy.