nothing really
Emerging Butterfly
meds and nyquil.
have this recurring dream that isn't heavy tr*uma but does reflect
sense of overall rejection in my life: I'm at a summer camp with some
kind of "survivor" twist where people vote someone out each week. I'm
always voted out the second week in this dream, and never understand
quite what's wrong with me. a reflection of my long-standing thing of
noticing that i've never really been popular anywhere for very long.
fundamentally flawed socially or just different? or both to different
degrees at different times? i don't know. i do notice that i try to
attach too quickly, get too vulnerable, too outgoing, too everything,
too quick. kinda ashamed of that. kinda excited to see myself work on
it and make strides too.
kinda hypersensitive today - notice myself taking very factual replies
as rejection of what i'm saying. doubt that's really the case.
anyway. gotta get to dr tomorrow morning. don't know if i will. may
reschedule for when i'm not sick, cuz getting up early morning with
this infection to get to dr for another issue entirely just seems ugh.
not going to dr. okay - can take that one off my list. reschedule or
something. or not reschedule. i like that idea even better. no
dr. ! :)
weird day.
feel disliked prolly as result of weird dreams and such. i look
forward to the day when someone can just give me feedback without any
affirming touchy feely floweries and i can just take the feedback and
not take the absence of the floweries as a "By the way, i despise
you".
grr. just ranting about my own sensitivity.
why don't people like me?
will i ever be liked?
what should i do differently?
nobody likes me. nobody ever will.
(um, that was a switch, obviously.)
grrrr. gotta reassure lil girl. gotta tell her being liked isn't
everything. that she's being black and white and there are lots of
people who do like us. and that 'rents intentionally taught us poor
social skills so they could isolate us, and that that is not our
fault. last piece is most true and poignant to me right now.
m*m sent brother and i out to school and out to the world like prey,
so she could capitalize on our being bullied and feel powerful and
isolate us. :(
can reteach self and little good social skills.
can work on sensitivity.
can use affirmations.
can get better.
and *can* go to sleep for right now. :)
astri
> slept all day - prolly overdid the meds with taking both psych sleep
> meds and nyquil.
> have this recurring dream that isn't heavy tr*uma but does reflect
> sense of overall rejection in my life: I'm at a summer camp with some
> kind of "survivor" twist where people vote someone out each week. I'm
> always voted out the second week in this dream, and never understand
> quite what's wrong with me. a reflection of my long-standing thing of
> noticing that i've never really been popular anywhere for very long.
> fundamentally flawed socially or just different? or both to different
> degrees at different times? i don't know. i do notice that i try to
> attach too quickly, get too vulnerable, too outgoing, too everything,
> too quick. kinda ashamed of that. kinda excited to see myself work on
> it and make strides too.
is good to make strides.
> kinda hypersensitive today - notice myself taking very factual replies
> as rejection of what i'm saying. doubt that's really the case.
> anyway. gotta get to dr tomorrow morning. don't know if i will. may
> reschedule for when i'm not sick, cuz getting up early morning with
> this infection to get to dr for another issue entirely just seems ugh.
> not going to dr. okay - can take that one off my list. reschedule or
> something. or not reschedule. i like that idea even better. no
> dr. ! :)
think you should reschedule so doc can work on addressing the anemia.
that can become really serious, too.
> weird day.
> feel disliked prolly as result of weird dreams and such. i look
> forward to the day when someone can just give me feedback without any
> affirming touchy feely floweries and i can just take the feedback and
> not take the absence of the floweries as a "By the way, i despise
> you".
and also you're still sick and usually folks are hypersensitive when
sick.
> grr. just ranting about my own sensitivity.
> why don't people like me?
> will i ever be liked?
> what should i do differently?
> nobody likes me. nobody ever will.
> (um, that was a switch, obviously.)
heh
> grrrr. gotta reassure lil girl. gotta tell her being liked isn't
> everything. that she's being black and white and there are lots of
> people who do like us. and that 'rents intentionally taught us poor
> social skills so they could isolate us, and that that is not our
> fault. last piece is most true and poignant to me right now.
> m*m sent brother and i out to school and out to the world like prey,
> so she could capitalize on our being bullied and feel powerful and
> isolate us. :(
:(
> can reteach self and little good social skills.
> can work on sensitivity.
> can use affirmations.
> can get better.
yes
> and *can* go to sleep for right now. :)
heh
-- astri
======================
to email send to astri
======================
at volcano dot org
======================
Emerging Butterfly
yeah. just rescheduled for friday afternoon so can do that instead of
trying to leave early tomorrow morning when sick. don't know about
seeing t. on friday either....still really don't feel better.
>
> > weird day.
> > feel disliked prolly as result of weird dreams and such. i look
> > forward to the day when someone can just give me feedback without any
> > affirming touchy feely floweries and i can just take the feedback and
> > not take the absence of the floweries as a "By the way, i despise
> > you".
>
> and also you're still sick and usually folks are hypersensitive when
> sick.
yeah, that's right. i'm sure you've noticed i factor my feelings and
such to everything *but* illness.
>
> > grr. just ranting about my own sensitivity.
> > why don't people like me?
> > will i ever be liked?
> > what should i do differently?
> > nobody likes me. nobody ever will.
> > (um, that was a switch, obviously.)
>
> heh
yeah.
she was actually out in me in first grade class. :( said out loud that
nobody liked her. which, as every parent and teacher knows, doesn't
help. :
>
> > grrrr. gotta reassure lil girl. gotta tell her being liked isn't
> > everything. that she's being black and white and there are lots of
> > people who do like us. and that 'rents intentionally taught us poor
> > social skills so they could isolate us, and that that is not our
> > fault. last piece is most true and poignant to me right now.
> > m*m sent brother and i out to school and out to the world like prey,
> > so she could capitalize on our being bullied and feel powerful and
> > isolate us. :(
>
> :(
>
> > can reteach self and little good social skills.
> > can work on sensitivity.
> > can use affirmations.
> > can get better.
>
> yes
>
> > and *can* go to sleep for right now. :)
>
> heh
slept all day. awake feverish and wheasy. it looks to me like, if
anything, i'm getting worse. i wonder if these particular anti-b.'s
are ineffective with me.
astri
> On Nov 5, 2:34 pm, astri <as...@invalid.invalid> wrote:
>> On Wed, 5 Nov 2008, Emerging Butterfly wrote:
>>
>>> kinda hypersensitive today - notice myself taking very factual
>>> replies as rejection of what i'm saying. doubt that's really the
>>> case. anyway. gotta get to dr tomorrow morning. don't know if i
>>> will. may reschedule for when i'm not sick, cuz getting up early
>>> morning with this infection to get to dr for another issue entirely
>>> just seems ugh. not going to dr. okay - can take that one off my
>>> list. reschedule or something. or not reschedule. i like that idea
>>> even better. no dr. ! :)
>>
>> think you should reschedule so doc can work on addressing the anemia.
>> that can become really serious, too.
>
> yeah. just rescheduled for friday afternoon so can do that instead of
ok, good
> trying to leave early tomorrow morning when sick. don't know about
> seeing t. on friday either....still really don't feel better.
can you let t know thursday?
>>> weird day. feel disliked prolly as result of weird dreams and such.
>>> i look forward to the day when someone can just give me feedback
>>> without any affirming touchy feely floweries and i can just take
>>> the feedback and not take the absence of the floweries as a "By the
>>> way, i despise you".
>>
>> and also you're still sick and usually folks are hypersensitive when
>> sick.
>
> yeah, that's right. i'm sure you've noticed i factor my feelings and
> such to everything *but* illness.
heh
yes
>>> grr. just ranting about my own sensitivity.
>>> why don't people like me?
>>> will i ever be liked?
>>> what should i do differently?
>>> nobody likes me. nobody ever will.
>>> (um, that was a switch, obviously.)
>>
>> heh
>
> yeah. she was actually out in me in first grade class. :( said out
> loud that nobody liked her. which, as every parent and teacher knows,
> doesn't help. :
:(
> slept all day. awake feverish and wheasy. it looks to me like, if
> anything, i'm getting worse. i wonder if these particular anti-b.'s
> are ineffective with me.
can you call the doc (or clinic) where you got them and ask?
we took a nap today, too.
Emerging Butterfly
I suppose that's possible. i think the instructions said to come back
in 3 - 4 days if needed. so let's see....on day....3. (2 days later) -
that would mean could go back tomorrow or next day. of course, next
day, going to nother dr anyway....think we can just wait till friday
to see what's up if it persists like this?
>
> we took a nap today, too.
they can be nice. did you get voted out of any summer camps (in your
dreams) ? :)
>
> -- astri
>
> ======================
> to email send to astri
> ======================
> at volcano dot org
> ======================- Hide quoted text -
>
> - Show quoted text -
astri
> On Nov 5, 6:18 pm, astri <as...@invalid.invalid> wrote:
>> On Wed, 5 Nov 2008, Emerging Butterfly wrote:
>>
>>> slept all day. awake feverish and wheasy. it looks to me like, if
>>> anything, i'm getting worse. i wonder if these particular anti-b.'s
>>> are ineffective with me.
>>
>> can you call the doc (or clinic) where you got them and ask?
>
> I suppose that's possible. i think the instructions said to come back
> in 3 - 4 days if needed. so let's see....on day....3. (2 days later) -
> that would mean could go back tomorrow or next day. of course, next
> day, going to nother dr anyway....think we can just wait till friday
> to see what's up if it persists like this?
if it's worse tomorrow morning, don't wait until friday. that would be
waiting another day to get proper meds and delaying recovery for at
least a day.
>> we took a nap today, too.
>
> they can be nice. did you get voted out of any summer camps (in your
> dreams) ? :)
heh
no
didn't dream that we remember this nap (don't really like to nap). not
been having nice dreams in general, tho. not at all nice. :P
Emerging Butterfly
> On Wed, 5 Nov 2008, Emerging Butterfly wrote:
> > On Nov 5, 6:18 pm, astri <as...@invalid.invalid> wrote:
> >> On Wed, 5 Nov 2008, Emerging Butterfly wrote:
>
> >>> slept all day. awake feverish and wheasy. it looks to me like, if
> >>> anything, i'm getting worse. i wonder if these particular anti-b.'s
> >>> are ineffective with me.
>
> >> can you call the doc (or clinic) where you got them and ask?
>
> > I suppose that's possible. i think the instructions said to come back
> > in 3 - 4 days if needed. so let's see....on day....3. (2 days later) -
> > that would mean could go back tomorrow or next day. of course, next
> > day, going to nother dr anyway....think we can just wait till friday
> > to see what's up if it persists like this?
>
> if it's worse tomorrow morning, don't wait until friday. that would be
> waiting another day to get proper meds and delaying recovery for at
> least a day.
>
> >> we took a nap today, too.
>
> > they can be nice. did you get voted out of any summer camps (in your
> > dreams) ? :)
>
> heh
> no
>
> didn't dream that we remember this nap (don't really like to nap). not
> been having nice dreams in general, tho. not at all nice. :P
sorry about the not nice dreams. wanna talk about it?
astri
> On Nov 5, 7:30 pm, astri <as...@invalid.invalid> wrote:
>>
>> didn't dream that we remember this nap (don't really like to nap). not
>> been having nice dreams in general, tho. not at all nice. :P
>
> sorry about the not nice dreams. wanna talk about it?
not really.
we sent them to t. she suggested we talk about them on friday. pasted
the emails we sent her into word and printed them out. got 5 pages of
them.
:P
Emerging Butterfly
> On Wed, 5 Nov 2008, Emerging Butterfly wrote:
> > On Nov 5, 7:30 pm, astri <as...@invalid.invalid> wrote:
>
> >> didn't dream that we remember this nap (don't really like to nap). not
> >> been having nice dreams in general, tho. not at all nice. :P
>
> > sorry about the not nice dreams. wanna talk about it?
>
> not really.
>
> we sent them to t. she suggested we talk about them on friday. pasted
> the emails we sent her into word and printed them out. got 5 pages of
> them.
wow. well, glad you're processing them somehow.
for us, dreams actually are way better than a few years ago, when it
used to be lots of scr*aming and lots of dreams were replays of
tr*uma. now still get lots of trauma dreams, but also more that are
more random or kinda metaphoric. and that's good in a way, we think.
comes in waves.
>
> :P
5 pages from one night or several nights. 12 font single spaced? :P --
now we're just being silly! :)
astri
> On Nov 5, 8:02 pm, astri <as...@invalid.invalid> wrote:
>> On Wed, 5 Nov 2008, Emerging Butterfly wrote:
>>> On Nov 5, 7:30 pm, astri <as...@invalid.invalid> wrote:
>>
>>>> didn't dream that we remember this nap (don't really like to nap).
>>>> not been having nice dreams in general, tho. not at all nice. :P
>>
>>> sorry about the not nice dreams. wanna talk about it?
>>
>> not really.
>>
>> we sent them to t. she suggested we talk about them on friday.
>> pasted the emails we sent her into word and printed them out. got 5
>> pages of them.
>
> wow. well, glad you're processing them somehow.
mhm
> for us, dreams actually are way better than a few years ago, when it
> used to be lots of scr*aming and lots of dreams were replays of
> tr*uma. now still get lots of trauma dreams, but also more that are
> more random or kinda metaphoric. and that's good in a way, we think.
> comes in waves.
definitely more methaphoric than replay
>> :P
>
> 5 pages from one night or several nights. 12 font single spaced? :P
> -- now we're just being silly! :)
heh
several nights, single spaced 12 point ariel
:P
jill
Emerging Butterfly <emerging....@hotmail.com> wrote:
No, go back sooner, not later. It sounds like these meds aren't doing
it as you should be feeling _some_ better by now!
Rainbow Colors (Jill)
>> we took a nap today, too.
>
>they can be nice. did you get voted out of any summer camps (in your
>dreams) ? :)
>
>>
>> -- astri
--
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The colors blend, the edges soften. Swirling and mixing
we are becoming white light.
ji...@tuells.org