art therapy, body imaging *spoiler* x-post

[The Collection of a fragmented heart]

Hello.

I had art therapy today... for 4 hours and I had a very
difficult session

I am going to add a spoiler to this as I am upset now..
and dont want to trigger anyone..

Spoiler added for talk of sexual abuse and DID/MP (or whatever comes up)

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

Today in art therapy we were doing body work. I decided to get the
courage to lay down on the floor and let somoen trace by body outline.. I
was very difficult to let someone get so close. But we managed..
Then I started to think...on what I wanted to do with this portarait of
me. I painted her flesh color and gave her purple hair (my hair is
purple).. I draw an open round mouth.. (the anxiety started) I gave her
big brown eyes...
It then dawned on me I was out of room on the table..so I made the
mistake of hanging her on the door so I could look at her and begin work..
I drew breasts on her and put fig leaves over her private parts. (I chose
leaves becasue it was green.. my evil trigger color.. and the garden of
eden had fig leaves and innocen was stolen.. and because the memories in
tht area are growing.. and I am growing more into a women). I then drew
ears.. and then I flipped. I had this 5'7 plus size person looking back
at me.. and she was real.. and it was me.. and the feelings inside I
couldnt deny them.. I tried to make clothes for her..and did.. but I new
underneat she was hurting..
It was so hard not to impale, cut, draw a rape, burn her..scar her opr
mutliate her. It wasnt me. It wasnt. But it was.. I had just been
drawn..made real put on a piece of paper. It was my body. And my mouth
was open and ready to recieve.. *cringe* and my private parts were
gorwing with leaves..forcing to expand b4 their time..
When the exercise started we were givebn many options.. one was to do a
"survivor vs victim" image.. I started on the victim.. I felt like a victim..

And my system is totally shut down.. they won talk to me..its kinda like
"look/... that is you Michelle.. it is your body.. it did happen.look at
yourself.. you are real.. FACE IT" And I cant.. I had to have the
therapist roll it up.. and I put it in my friends trunk.. Ill tae it out
in my private therapy..

Im just starting to face the fact that I was raped when I was 5,.. I
didnt realize that rape is any form of inserting something into the
vagina.. I always could say :It wasnt rape..but it was and now I look at
this body drawing.. and its real.. its a s real as yellow and green..it
as real as the country time lemondae my MOm made me taken to him so he
could hurt me..

I have all kinds of things I can do with this portrait.. for now I can
call her Jane. Jane is Jane doe. she has no idenity..and one day I will
be able to face her.. and face myself.

Thank you for reading..
Michelle et all