finally know big trigger this month
Emerging Butterfly
this month and its triggers and what we found out --
spoilered
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alters say "calendar time line time is running out we only have to the
31st"
they say we spose to be cult programmer/trainer "inducted" by next
year or "enslaved" being "trained" or make a pact to d*e or be owned/
preferably k*lled or die.
we haven't understood.
lots of decembers have come and gone.
couldn't find connection with the 31st. C saw the friday the 13th one,
but we had more than that; it went beyond that. figured maybe her chat
she just planted a bunch more stuff to extend it, knowing our
pr*gramming.
then today. leaving message with dave saying what day it is.
suddenly alter comes out quickly and intoned, "10"
i laugh it off and say, "Um, don't have any idea what significance 10
has; anyway, if you'd like to meet sometime....."
later I tell J about it, just a curious thing....
she says she doesn't know what it means but does know i always react
strongly to numbers and combos positively or negatively and she
assumes ab*sers used n*merology heavily and then she said something
some other alter had said about being good at math and in advance math
and it went all hazed once they started the "number abuse"
of course i have zero memory of an alter saying this
so i'm thinking....is it the 10th?
finally it dawns on me.
we're coming up on 2010.
every decade is a big deal.
2000 was big -- i was 16, ab*se escalated....
something big, the year i started remembering and thought they might
really really m*rder me
1990....i walk into school and announce that year that i want to d*e.
2010.
that is a big year for them.
big for pr*gramming.
i don't feel so crazy now for getting triggered just some random month
and having some random deadline.
it's never been random but often takes me time to figure out.
in fact, the biggest ones, i'm oblivious to as they're happening.
for example, i often don't consciously connect it's my b-day.
cometz
is very good to recognize these things. means they can be dismantled
safely. means that you have another piece of yourself back. each bit
of knowing is a bit of the evil being neutralized.
betsy
astri
easier to resist now you know?
-- astri
======================
to email send to astri
======================
at volcano dot org
======================
Emerging Butterfly
what an amazing way to look at it. thank you for this. i want pieces
of myself back.
someone was saying something to me about recovery memories for
"increased coping" and i said something about "shards of treasure" in
recovering those memories because lost in them are pieces of me, and i
want the me they took away.
do you really think that can happen?
i think they took a lot.
Emerging Butterfly
some.
also, being validated is hard. was easier when it was random and
stupid trigger. now that it fits....it....it's like i have to....it's
like.....so big.....and i want someone to see how big and vile and
ev*l it is.....each decade they do this big huge thing....and what it
is for me......and and and......
it's a big battle
and i get the sense it isn't over
and i want to just pretend it's all okay now
look at the date and think what i'm doing that week, not the fight
but have t. twice a week that's very very good
see J. a lot
we fight more now
which is good i think
(we're getting out of unhealthy roles that we got into during my
crisis and some before)
there's something lurking and i don't know what to do about it
something way too calm right now it all looks great and like growth
it's like when you have a bunch of kids and they're quietly joyfully
playing together
but then maybe i'm just making it up (Okay saying that just makes
everything worse)
it's that "be smooth be undercover i've got you covered" alter that
was at the hsptl
T talked to us about hsptl by the way
got us to agree
the alters who have an agenda may as well be out
everyone knows the LIfe Forces within will save us anyway so they may
as well not try anything
may as well just keep the piece since they won't succeed anyway have
they ever in the past?
and they seemed to listen
so maybe the struggle really is over
except for little things like being unable to walk without spinning
but that's not life/d*ath
that's just really annoying
astri
is still lots work to do
is good you have t
and you using t
can send her emails?
Emerging Butterfly
i don't know
she kinda says they're okay
then says she reads slow
she gives mixed messages on emails
don't know
maybe should just be direct and ask what to email about
sometimes she really wants them for something like things i've
realized about programming
but then other times it's like she only wants to talk about it face to
face so she's all like "well i'm a slow reader and if you just talked
to me...."
cometz
yes it can happen. the very sad piece is none of us will get to be who
we should have been back then, but we do get to be who we are and wish
to be now. the sad thing is we have to raise ourselves to adulthood.
the good thing is that we work to become the adults we wish to be. we
can begin to raise ourselves in ways that offers so much more than
many parents give their children.
for all the loss there is much we are becoming. many many people
never consider the choices they make. ever.
life is hard work, even if you had a good childhood.
betsy
EB
not easier. feel like must make big plan worthy of new decade. oh,
should that be spoilered?
EB
they took my movement and sight. it's fog and spinning. i wanna see
and dance again. can i get those back do you think?
they took my love for animals and turned it to terror.
they could *not* take my love of people n they tried n
tried!!! :) :) :)
some things can't be taken no matter what. but maybe that's cuz they
decided to keep it for bad stuff. *sighs* i had to leave every group i
worked with (like those middle schoolers) when we started connecting
cuz rents tra*ned me to be bad person once people connected. i had no
bad intents but was terrified and couldn't stay. :( :(
Echo
Maybe so.
>
> they took my love for animals and turned it to terror.
Because you are good and don't want to cause h*rt like them.
>
> they could *not* take my love of people n they tried n
> tried!!! :) :) :)
Strength in you.
> some things can't be taken no matter what. but maybe that's cuz they
> decided to keep it for bad stuff. *sighs* i had to leave every group i
> worked with (like those middle schoolers) when we started connecting
> cuz rents tra*ned me to be bad person once people connected. i had no
> bad intents but was terrified and couldn't stay. :( :(
Because you are a fundamentally good person.
astri
oh
astri
> life is hard work, even if you had a good childhood.
t wants us to write to her about the kind of life we want for sir lala
astri
>
> not easier. feel like must make big plan worthy of new decade. oh,
> should that be spoilered?
is spoilered
anyway, think huge big plan worthy of new decade is to heal
EB
> On Sat, 12 Dec 2009, cometz wrote:
> > life is hard work, even if you had a good childhood.
>
> t wants us to write to her about the kind of life we want for sir lala
:)
Seems you're well on way to seeing to him having great life
awesome
can we see it when you're done?
EB
already spoilered?
i'll spoiler again just to be sure
i am a c*lt pr*grammer/tr*iner of sorts
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you know how people make new year's resolutions? they rarely work. a
plan to heal? everyone knows it's the same stuff year after year for
us. the same struggles, if you care to look at the archives (which i
certainly don't expect anyone to do -- we've only degenerated, in
fact, over the years)
LF (Life force) is getting in the way some, and that makes me have to
be more sly.
doesn't mean i'm not here and don't know how to program the deepest
places in michaela. she thinks she feels unusually mature about
things. heh! let her think that. let her think she can do conflict
resolution.
there's me and there's all the cues that Cort's been doing the whole
time she's known her.
i'm not entirely sure we have this one still. i want a big decade
party, a great going out......one that will bypass michaela, just
maybe a moment of her being stunned. i'm programming her every minute,
and the best part is, all she knows is that she's dizzy. heh.
wait until she finds out what i have in store.
i know deep multi-level stuff that you wouldn't believe.
that she wouldn't believe.
the rejection thing?
pretty good. but i can do other stuff too. make her slightly more
obnoxious than usual, alienate people who could be longer term
supports.
exaggerate her therapist's movements to make her paranoid about that
and make her think all the cult stuff from the past is made up.
and i have contacts and there are contracts and i've got it figured
out quite well, thank you very much. this is going to be fun. end of
decade always is. fun. miserable for michaela, fun for us cult folks.
anyone wanna join? we don't kill anyone else, just her, but she's an
awful lot of fun, even to just torture if she refuses to die.
maybe that's even better....then we get to torture her for living. and
boy do we have punishments.
all i can say during this time of calm is.....*slyly*....don't worry.
i got it under control.
*another alter* -- i highly doubt she has contacts. highly. she's
probably just displaying a lot of bravado. i do know of multi-layer
programming, so if she thinks she's ahead of me there, she isn't. i've
been through some of the "punishments" and i've been through worse.
i'm stronger than this and much of what you say is lies, echoes from
what cortney said. she isn't even around. if you're thinking od, i
won't let it happen. no party this year, kiddo (and i suspect you are
a programmed kid). but if you wanna be held and talk about how this
all came to be i'm here.
Echo
You think people leave that easily?
> exaggerate her therapist's movements to make her paranoid about that
> and make her think all the cult stuff from the past is made up.
> and i have contacts and there are contracts and i've got it figured
> out quite well, thank you very much. this is going to be fun. end of
> decade always is. fun. miserable for michaela, fun for us cult folks.
> anyone wanna join? we don't kill anyone else, just her, but she's an
> awful lot of fun, even to just torture if she refuses to die.
> maybe that's even better....then we get to torture her for living. and
> boy do we have punishments.
> all i can say during this time of calm is.....*slyly*....don't worry.
> i got it under control.
You do realise that if you kill the body you die too? You're not
seperate from them. If the cult people told you you could get your own
body, they lied. It's not posssible.
astri
> On Dec 13, 12:41 am, astri <as...@invalid.invalid> wrote:
>> On Sat, 12 Dec 2009, cometz wrote:
>>> life is hard work, even if you had a good childhood.
>>
>> t wants us to write to her about the kind of life we want for sir
>> lala
>
> :)
> Seems you're well on way to seeing to him having great life
> awesome
> can we see it when you're done?
k
astri
> On Dec 13, 12:43 am, astri <as...@invalid.invalid> wrote:
>>
>> anyway, think huge big plan worthy of new decade is to heal
>
that one definitely needs to learn how to be cared for
Emerging Butterfly
michaela and some others i can't name inside have big jobs to do. if
they won't do em, i can out em and out me too. it don't matter. they
have big jobs and if i k*ll em, that's some satisfaction even if i d*e
too. their life's my only purpose until i get them on track.
confuzzled
makes sense
hope figuring it out can give you more tools to fight with
Echo
Why not pick your own purpose?
confuzzled
> On Sat, 12 Dec 2009, cometz wrote:
>
>> life is hard work, even if you had a good childhood.
>
> t wants us to write to her about the kind of life we want for sir lala
>
astri
no
can't seem to conceptualize futures
confuzzled
> On Sun, 20 Dec 2009, confuzzled wrote:
>> astri wrote:
>>> On Sat, 12 Dec 2009, cometz wrote:
>>>
>>>> life is hard work, even if you had a good childhood.
>>>
>>> t wants us to write to her about the kind of life we want for sir
>>> lala
>>>
>> did you?
>
> no
>
> can't seem to conceptualize futures
>
regrets
could write about the kind of life you want for him right now?
astri
don't want to think