spinning out of control
Emerging Butterfly
never met control. even leave the state control, given the right
manipulation.
losing any sense of sanity.
feel rejected by J.
feel rejected by t.
feel freaked because of recent realizations.
already broke contract with new t. so can't work with her and i think
i knew i needed someone more qualified anyway i thought she knew
more....and she thinks i'm more involved in stuff than i think i am
(c*lt).
not okay.
not going to h*spital, so maybe shouldn't post.
cometz
think the only safe thing to do is go to hsptl. hope you find a way
to change your mind.
betsy
astri
:(
think you know you need to go to hosp
-- astri
======================
to email send to astri
======================
at volcano dot org
======================
Emerging Butterfly
k, it's fine now. couldn't do either thing jane said so will have to
find someone else.
but the alters said some interesting reasons about why they do it that
we can talk about another time. suffice it to say, it is more than
just an addiction and it feels utterly unsafe to stop.
not gonna leave the state or country or anything right now.
not gonna cancel all my appts like i was going to. (she said she'll
still see us for a month.)
gonna do our way of disappearing tomorrow and then come back to the
real world cuz we have commitments.
astri
> k, it's fine now. couldn't do either thing jane said so will have to
> find someone else.
sigh
think was mistake for her to set that limit
understand it
but she was't important enough to you for her to say that
> but the alters said some interesting reasons about why they do it that
> we can talk about another time. suffice it to say, it is more than
> just an addiction and it feels utterly unsafe to stop.
k
> not gonna leave the state or country or anything right now.
> not gonna cancel all my appts like i was going to. (she said she'll
> still see us for a month.)
k
> gonna do our way of disappearing tomorrow and then come back to the
> real world cuz we have commitments.
you mean sleeping the day?
Emerging Butterfly
well, she didn't initially set the limit; she initially said she
couldn't work with me at all because she fears i'm stilll involved
with c*lt stuff and can't sleep at night thinking a client is unsafe.
then i said it's essentially those things and what if i stopped
those? and she said she didn't think it was that easy but we could
try. that's how that came about. she's right; it's not that easy.
so she was going to terminate, i tried to get out of it, we tried a
negotiation that was bound to failure, and it failed.
i talked to J. i think it'll be hsptl in next weeks sometime.
just getting onto such slippery slopes so quickly and almost
unconsciously. then some stuff jane said and some realizations.
spoilered for c*lt stuff and frigthtening suspicions
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when i was with the agency with the old jane, i had this deep
intuitive thing that kept thinking i was cult involved and she was
ab*sing me. now it all fits together really well.
the minute i left with C, the suspicions vanished. i was walking into
bdsm and knew what i was walking into (except C was
cult....)......but.....
okay. we are terrified to quit seeking the bdsm because pretty much,
on a primitive level, some of us are convinced that as long as we do
this the cult won't bother us.
with the church and the agency they did. our whole life they did, it
seems. (okay, now we wanna say not necessarily and "some
suspect"......but pretty cult-*like* dynamics were happening, okay,
there.
then we got into bdsm. and pretty cult like things happened. but we
walked into it. a trade-off, see?
we want to set up our own destruction, not have it just happen. and if
it's followed us our entire adult lives, we're not sure it's as simple
as "just walking away"
when u. talks, we know *way* too much what they're tlaking about.
we know about signaling. we know about cues. we know about internal
reporters who take and make calls to say where they are. tonight
someone told J "and they leave scars no one can see so no one believes
us and we don't believe us"
jane said there's a chance that we think we're sleeping and we're off
at ceremonies and such
and we need a therapist qualified to deal with strong current ongoing
cult stuff
and we're realizing the core question with bdsm isn't, "what are
better strategies for getting my needs met?"
but "How do i ensure safety from a cult that has followed me my entire
adulthood and seems to allow me control only when i'm seeking out
bdsm?"
*sighs*
it was a trick when they said if i ran away to bdsm they'd leave me
alone. they left me with cortney. but we wish we could have her back.
then we would know what's going on.
signed, importantly, with,
This is the truth
astri
> On Dec 14, 11:03 pm, astri <as...@invalid.invalid> wrote:
>> On Mon, 14 Dec 2009, Emerging Butterfly wrote:
>>> k, it's fine now. couldn't do either thing jane said so will have
>>> to find someone else.
>>
>> sigh
>>
>> think was mistake for her to set that limit
>> understand it
>> but she was't important enough to you for her to say that
>>
>>> but the alters said some interesting reasons about why they do it
>>> that we can talk about another time. suffice it to say, it is more
>>> than just an addiction and it feels utterly unsafe to stop.
>>
>> k
>>
>>> not gonna leave the state or country or anything right now.
>>> not gonna cancel all my appts like i was going to. (she said she'll
>>> still see us for a month.)
>>
>> k
>>
>>> gonna do our way of disappearing tomorrow and then come back to the
>>> real world cuz we have commitments.
>>
>> you mean sleeping the day?
>
> couldn't work with me at all because she fears i'm stilll involved
> with c*lt stuff and can't sleep at night thinking a client is unsafe.
>
> then i said it's essentially those things and what if i stopped
> those? and she said she didn't think it was that easy but we could
> try. that's how that came about. she's right; it's not that easy.
>
>
> so she was going to terminate, i tried to get out of it, we tried a
> negotiation that was bound to failure, and it failed.
ah
> i talked to J. i think it'll be hsptl in next weeks sometime.
k
hmmmm
> we want to set up our own destruction, not have it just happen. and
> if it's followed us our entire adult lives, we're not sure it's as
> simple as "just walking away"
clearly
> when u. talks, we know *way* too much what they're tlaking about. we
> know about signaling. we know about cues. we know about internal
> reporters who take and make calls to say where they are. tonight
> someone told J "and they leave scars no one can see so no one
> believes us and we don't believe us"
>
> jane said there's a chance that we think we're sleeping and we're off
> at ceremonies and such
>
> and we need a therapist qualified to deal with strong current ongoing
> cult stuff
>
> and we're realizing the core question with bdsm isn't, "what are
> better strategies for getting my needs met?"
>
> but "How do i ensure safety from a cult that has followed me my entire
> adulthood and seems to allow me control only when i'm seeking out
> bdsm?"
> *sighs*
wondering, maybe, whether it's that your inside reporters don't report
when you're seeking out bdsm? and that's how they don't find you?
> it was a trick when they said if i ran away to bdsm they'd leave me
> alone. they left me with cortney. but we wish we could have her back.
> then we would know what's going on.
>
> signed, importantly, with,
> This is the truth
and is all dangerous :(
Emerging Butterfly
seems to seem that way from feedback here as well
to us hsptl means crying in desolation while staff look on clinically
and write notes and ask me to be mindful
last time wasn't that bad and could go to same place
they weren't bad
don't know why but mortally *terrified* of hsptl this time and it
would be same one and it wasn't bad
so why the extreme reaction of NO
glad is understood
>
>
>
> > when u. talks, we know *way* too much what they're tlaking about. we
> > know about signaling. we know about cues. we know about internal
> > reporters who take and make calls to say where they are. tonight
> > someone told J "and they leave scars no one can see so no one
> > believes us and we don't believe us"
>
> > jane said there's a chance that we think we're sleeping and we're off
> > at ceremonies and such
>
> > and we need a therapist qualified to deal with strong current ongoing
> > cult stuff
>
> > and we're realizing the core question with bdsm isn't, "what are
> > better strategies for getting my needs met?"
>
> > but "How do i ensure safety from a cult that has followed me my entire
> > adulthood and seems to allow me control only when i'm seeking out
> > bdsm?"
> > *sighs*
>
> wondering, maybe, whether it's that your inside reporters don't report
> when you're seeking out bdsm? and that's how they don't find you?
hmm. *checkds inside*
no
think maybe they work through the bdsm though?
>
> > it was a trick when they said if i ran away to bdsm they'd leave me
> > alone. they left me with cortney. but we wish we could have her back.
> > then we would know what's going on.
>
> > signed, importantly, with,
> > This is the truth
>
> and is all dangerous :(
yes need very qualified t.
when t. today said she thought it might be we really not as safe as
we say and it could be more than what we think, well, we thought, we
need to find a qualified th. like u's no matter what it takes.
we can't keep living like this.
Echo
> On Dec 15, 12:05 am, astri <as...@invalid.invalid> wrote:
>> On Mon, 14 Dec 2009, Emerging Butterfly wrote:
>>> On Dec 14, 11:03 pm, astri <as...@invalid.invalid> wrote:
>> ah
>>
>>> i talked to J. i think it'll be hsptl in next weeks sometime.
>> k
>
> seems to seem that way from feedback here as well
> to us hsptl means crying in desolation while staff look on clinically
> and write notes and ask me to be mindful
> last time wasn't that bad and could go to same place
> they weren't bad
> don't know why but mortally *terrified* of hsptl this time and it
> would be same one and it wasn't bad
> so why the extreme reaction of NO
Pr*gramming.
Emerging Butterfly
feels terrifying.
okay, maybe i'll try depr*gramming. it. thanks.
it feels like people are telling me to go to.....i don't know, the
worst place possible.
Echo
And with the fact that it was helpful and not bad at all last time
that's pretty definitive proof of pr*gramming twisting things.
astri
> On Dec 15, 12:05 am, astri <as...@invalid.invalid> wrote:
>> On Mon, 14 Dec 2009, Emerging Butterfly wrote:
>>> On Dec 14, 11:03 pm, astri <as...@invalid.invalid> wrote:
>>>> On Mon, 14 Dec 2009, Emerging Butterfly wrote:
>>
>>> i talked to J. i think it'll be hsptl in next weeks sometime.
>>
>> k
>
> seems to seem that way from feedback here as well
> to us hsptl means crying in desolation while staff look on clinically
> and write notes and ask me to be mindful
> last time wasn't that bad and could go to same place
> they weren't bad
> don't know why but mortally *terrified* of hsptl this time and it
> would be same one and it wasn't bad
> so why the extreme reaction of NO
some folks don't want to be stopped?
>>> just getting onto such slippery slopes so quickly and almost
>>> unconsciously. then some stuff jane said and some realizations.
>>> spoilered for c*lt stuff and frigthtening suspicions
>>
>>> *********
>>> **********
>>> ***********
>>> *********
>>> ***********
>>> *********
>>> **********
>>> **********
>>> **********
>>> **********
>>> ***********
>>> ***********
>>> ***********
>>> **********
>>> ***********
>>> **********
>>> **********
>>> **********
>>> *************
>>> ***********
>>> ***********
>>
>>> we want to set up our own destruction, not have it just happen. and
>>> if it's followed us our entire adult lives, we're not sure it's as
>>> simple as "just walking away"
>>
>> clearly
>
> glad is understood
always has been
>> wondering, maybe, whether it's that your inside reporters don't
>> report when you're seeking out bdsm? and that's how they don't find
>> you?
>
> hmm. *checkds inside*
> no
> think maybe they work through the bdsm though?
would be that easy to find out if they're sneaking and reporting
without your knowledge? they'd tell you?
>>> it was a trick when they said if i ran away to bdsm they'd leave me
>>> alone. they left me with cortney. but we wish we could have her back.
>>> then we would know what's going on.
>>
>>> signed, importantly, with,
>>> This is the truth
>>
>> and is all dangerous :(
>
> yes need very qualified t.
> when t. today said she thought it might be we really not as safe as
> we say and it could be more than what we think, well, we thought, we
> need to find a qualified th. like u's no matter what it takes.
> we can't keep living like this.
hope you find
astri
agree
Puddles
listening as much as i can be here.
Emerging Butterfly
hmm? interestingly, i am with some folks right now in that and i was
on their computer and this link was the first to come up.
i am okay and safe.
but who would tell me what?
i missed the question.
but....i'm just out of town and safe with some folks but this link
came up. some kind of unintentional report? it's not in our chat.
astri
>>>> report when you're seeking out bdsm? and that's how they don't
>>>> find you?
>>
>>> hmm. *checkds inside*
>>> no
>>> think maybe they work through the bdsm though?
>>
>> would be that easy to find out if they're sneaking and reporting
>> without your knowledge? they'd tell you?
>
> hmm? interestingly, i am with some folks right now in that and i was
> on their computer and this link was the first to come up.
> i am okay and safe.
"folks in that"
folks in what? bdsm? cult?
> but who would tell me what?
> i missed the question.
> but....i'm just out of town and safe with some folks but this link
> came up. some kind of unintentional report? it's not in our chat.
actually, the question was not stated clearly
wondering whether the inside cult reporters don't report to the cult
when folks are into bdsm, and that is why the cult doesn't find you
then.
and then when you checked inside and said not, we wondered whether it
would be so easy to ask the cult reporters if that is what was
happening, since the cult reporters seem to function totally without
your awareness.
if you were trying to hide, doesn't seem like cult would find you
unless someone inside contacted them.