kind of lost
cometz
t. is so big no one can take it in. don't know if i am capable of
searching right now.
night is filled with endless terrible dreams. day is numb and deeply
distracted. i'm not getting an important letter written and may lose
my disability. this week is the last week i have any work guaranteed.
i seem to be without panic. and that doesn't seem strange, which then
makes me wonder if i am so broken i am just completely nutz or wildly
passive and apathetic or, well, just too stupid to panic.
i don't know. i think i'm pretty lost, but i also seem to be rather
indifferent. maybe i can only sink so far and then i just stop
feeling.
i have no idea.
betsy
astri
> i think i have to find a new t. no, i mean i do have to find a new
> t. is so big no one can take it in. don't know if i am capable of
> searching right now.
why you need new one?
> night is filled with endless terrible dreams. day is numb and deeply
> distracted. i'm not getting an important letter written and may lose
> my disability. this week is the last week i have any work guaranteed.
what you need to write?
> i seem to be without panic. and that doesn't seem strange, which then
> makes me wonder if i am so broken i am just completely nutz or wildly
> passive and apathetic or, well, just too stupid to panic.
not stupid
numb
> i don't know. i think i'm pretty lost, but i also seem to be rather
> indifferent. maybe i can only sink so far and then i just stop
> feeling.
>
> i have no idea.
>
> betsy
:(
-- astri
======================
to email send to astri
======================
at volcano dot org
======================
cometz
> On Sat, 21 Nov 2009, cometz wrote:
> > i think i have to find a new t. no, i mean i do have to find a new
> > t. is so big no one can take it in. don't know if i am capable of
> > searching right now.
>
> why you need new one?
>
recognized his limitations. significant to us. think it is time to
take stock and take steps. unlike running away in the past. feel
queasy. feel deeply sad. but don't feel fear or anger. just a small
but important growth. you know how learning is. once you know a truth
you can't unknow it. maybe is a kind of relief as well.
sorry if too cryptic. cause of past person here i always have fear of
reappearance or, i don't know. something. some parts of my rl that
must be guarded for my own privacy. sorry. some people scare us. a
lot. all of us.
is ok. just wearying to have to begin again.
> > night is filled with endless terrible dreams. day is numb and deeply
> > distracted. i'm not getting an important letter written and may lose
> > my disability. this week is the last week i have any work guaranteed.
>
> what you need to write?
fill out form on how many hours worked this year. have them all but
have to add and write down. was due four months ago. then they asked
again two months ago. forget to do it. then put it off. then forget
again.
maybe i am just running towards chaos. but this is just like what i do
a lot. living from crisis to crisis. no excuse. i know what to do.
always. seems that passivity pushes all intellect into a corner and
takes a nap on it.
>
> > i seem to be without panic. and that doesn't seem strange, which then
> > makes me wonder if i am so broken i am just completely nutz or wildly
> > passive and apathetic or, well, just too stupid to panic.
>
> not stupid
> numb
>
maybe. it doesn't seem to matter. it all keeps moving. the world does
that. life does that. as long as we are alive we get carried along.
just don't seem to be able to know how to plan ahead.
> > i don't know. i think i'm pretty lost, but i also seem to be rather
> > indifferent. maybe i can only sink so far and then i just stop
> > feeling.
>
> > i have no idea.
>
> > betsy
>
> :(
>
> -- astri
>
i don't know if i'm making sense.
betsy
confuzzled
> i think i have to find a new t. no, i mean i do have to find a new
> t. is so big no one can take it in. don't know if i am capable of
> searching right now.
almost asked you about t today
>
> night is filled with endless terrible dreams. day is numb and deeply
> distracted. i'm not getting an important letter written and may lose
> my disability. this week is the last week i have any work guaranteed.
>
:(
anyway we can help wtht letter?
> i seem to be without panic. and that doesn't seem strange, which then
> makes me wonder if i am so broken i am just completely nutz or wildly
> passive and apathetic or, well, just too stupid to panic.
>
sounds like overwhelm
> i don't know. i think i'm pretty lost, but i also seem to be rather
> indifferent. maybe i can only sink so far and then i just stop
> feeling.
>
yes. is defense against the too much
confuzzled
> On Nov 22, 12:56 am, astri <as...@invalid.invalid> wrote:
>> On Sat, 21 Nov 2009, cometz wrote:
>>> i think i have to find a new t. no, i mean i do have to find a new
>>> t. is so big no one can take it in. don't know if i am capable of
>>> searching right now.
>> why you need new one?
>>
>
> recognized his limitations. significant to us. think it is time to
> take stock and take steps. unlike running away in the past. feel
> queasy. feel deeply sad. but don't feel fear or anger. just a small
> but important growth. you know how learning is. once you know a truth
> you can't unknow it. maybe is a kind of relief as well.
yes. understand
regrets. understand leaving t is hard
>
> sorry if too cryptic. cause of past person here i always have fear of
> reappearance or, i don't know. something. some parts of my rl that
> must be guarded for my own privacy. sorry. some people scare us. a
> lot. all of us.
we understand the paranoid. we got that too
got found once
you know where our email box is. wouldn't be a problem to us if you
emailed.
>
> is ok. just wearying to have to begin again.
>
very
and scary
>>> night is filled with endless terrible dreams. day is numb and deeply
>>> distracted. i'm not getting an important letter written and may lose
>>> my disability. this week is the last week i have any work guaranteed.
>> what you need to write?
>
> fill out form on how many hours worked this year. have them all but
> have to add and write down. was due four months ago. then they asked
> again two months ago. forget to do it. then put it off. then forget
> again.
>
really wish we were there
would help you
> maybe i am just running towards chaos. but this is just like what i do
> a lot. living from crisis to crisis. no excuse. i know what to do.
> always. seems that passivity pushes all intellect into a corner and
> takes a nap on it.
>
you saying "no excuse" a lot. not sure that matters. isn't about blame.
is about hard times and struggles and how to cope
>>> i seem to be without panic. and that doesn't seem strange, which then
>>> makes me wonder if i am so broken i am just completely nutz or wildly
>>> passive and apathetic or, well, just too stupid to panic.
>> not stupid
>> numb
>>
>
> maybe. it doesn't seem to matter. it all keeps moving. the world does
> that. life does that. as long as we are alive we get carried along.
> just don't seem to be able to know how to plan ahead.
>
too scary too look ahead?
>>> i don't know. i think i'm pretty lost, but i also seem to be rather
>>> indifferent. maybe i can only sink so far and then i just stop
>>> feeling.
>>> i have no idea.
>>> betsy
>> :(
>>
>> -- astri
>>
>
> i don't know if i'm making sense.
>
we can barelty think at all right now but we following your post so you
must be making sense
cometz
wrote:
> cometz wrote:
> > i think i have to find a new t. no, i mean i do have to find a new
> > t. is so big no one can take it in. don't know if i am capable of
> > searching right now.
>
> almost asked you about t today
>
yeah. is just big big decision. well, guess you know about that. very
extremely unsure about beginning search. cannot pay very much and that
means there are very few choices. not prepared to think about it right
now. just made decision about making change. that's all i can do for
now.
> > night is filled with endless terrible dreams. day is numb and deeply
> > distracted. i'm not getting an important letter written and may lose
> > my disability. this week is the last week i have any work guaranteed.
>
> :(
>
> anyway we can help wtht letter?
>
no. just have to do. will do when the panic overwhelms and there is
danger looming in real. think i must be either self destructive or
self defeating. or have a huge streak of it. don't know. just how i
have always functioned about paperwork and deadlines. i just hit a
wall inside. messed up. have never understood it. no insight about
why. only know the doing.
> > i seem to be without panic. and that doesn't seem strange, which then
> > makes me wonder if i am so broken i am just completely nutz or wildly
> > passive and apathetic or, well, just too stupid to panic.
>
> sounds like overwhelm
>
maybe. feels like backwash of underwhelm.
> > i don't know. i think i'm pretty lost, but i also seem to be rather
> > indifferent. maybe i can only sink so far and then i just stop
> > feeling.
>
> yes. is defense against the too much
>
yes. yes it is.
betsy
astri
> On Nov 22, 12:56 am, astri <as...@invalid.invalid> wrote:
>> On Sat, 21 Nov 2009, cometz wrote:
>>> i think i have to find a new t. no, i mean i do have to find a new
>>> t. is so big no one can take it in. don't know if i am capable of
>>> searching right now.
>>
>> why you need new one?
>
> recognized his limitations. significant to us. think it is time to
> take stock and take steps. unlike running away in the past. feel
> queasy. feel deeply sad. but don't feel fear or anger. just a small
> but important growth. you know how learning is. once you know a truth
> you can't unknow it. maybe is a kind of relief as well.
>
> sorry if too cryptic. cause of past person here i always have fear of
> reappearance or, i don't know. something. some parts of my rl that
> must be guarded for my own privacy. sorry. some people scare us. a
> lot. all of us.
>
> is ok. just wearying to have to begin again.
k
understand both issues
>>> night is filled with endless terrible dreams. day is numb and deeply
>>> distracted. i'm not getting an important letter written and may lose
>>> my disability. this week is the last week i have any work guaranteed.
>>
>> what you need to write?
>
> fill out form on how many hours worked this year. have them all but
> have to add and write down. was due four months ago. then they asked
> again two months ago. forget to do it. then put it off. then forget
> again.
>
> maybe i am just running towards chaos. but this is just like what i do
> a lot. living from crisis to crisis. no excuse. i know what to do.
> always. seems that passivity pushes all intellect into a corner and
> takes a nap on it.
sigh
can asd help?
>>> i seem to be without panic. and that doesn't seem strange, which
>>> then makes me wonder if i am so broken i am just completely nutz or
>>> wildly passive and apathetic or, well, just too stupid to panic.
>>
>> not stupid
>> numb
>
> maybe. it doesn't seem to matter. it all keeps moving. the world does
> that. life does that. as long as we are alive we get carried along.
> just don't seem to be able to know how to plan ahead.
:/
-- astri
confuzzled
> On Nov 22, 1:48 am, confuzzled <nospamsometimesknownas...@gmail.com>
> wrote:
>> cometz wrote:
>>> i think i have to find a new t. no, i mean i do have to find a new
>>> t. is so big no one can take it in. don't know if i am capable of
>>> searching right now.
>> almost asked you about t today
>>
>
> yeah. is just big big decision. well, guess you know about that. very
> extremely unsure about beginning search. cannot pay very much and that
> means there are very few choices. not prepared to think about it right
> now. just made decision about making change. that's all i can do for
> now.
>
more about the process we went through
>>> night is filled with endless terrible dreams. day is numb and deeply
>>> distracted. i'm not getting an important letter written and may lose
>>> my disability. this week is the last week i have any work guaranteed.
>> :(
>>
>> anyway we can help wtht letter?
>>
>
> no. just have to do. will do when the panic overwhelms and there is
> danger looming in real. think i must be either self destructive or
> self defeating. or have a huge streak of it. don't know. just how i
> have always functioned about paperwork and deadlines. i just hit a
> wall inside. messed up. have never understood it. no insight about
> why. only know the doing.
>
hmmm... reminds us a lot of executive function problems and inertia. if
you visit autism groups people post stuff like this all the time. has
nothing to do with lazy or wanting chaos,
we went and did a search and couldn't come up with an article or link we
really liked. there's this but maybe is too much overwhelming:
http://www.autistics.org/library/inertia.html
>>> i seem to be without panic. and that doesn't seem strange, which then
>>> makes me wonder if i am so broken i am just completely nutz or wildly
>>> passive and apathetic or, well, just too stupid to panic.
>>
>> sounds like overwhelm
>
> maybe. feels like backwash of underwhelm.
>
k
just seems like when the overwhelm gets too much, then it all gets
switched off
>>> i don't know. i think i'm pretty lost, but i also seem to be rather
>>> indifferent. maybe i can only sink so far and then i just stop
>>> feeling.
>
>> yes. is defense against the too much
>>
>
> yes. yes it is.
>
regrets
gathring
owowow. wish had some way to help.
scattered
:( sorry that you are feeling so lost right now. Hopefully you can
find a new t to help you feel less lost.
-scattered