Introduction, betrayal, anger
janus, the Gateway
janus started to write this, to give introduction of us to those who ask.
but it came out all different and we thought we shouldn't post it.
but Jan says, "DO IT", so we will post it even though it says not polite
things. But maybe others should know some of who we are.
(FYI, cross-posted to ASAR)
Definitely needs a spoiler for explicit anger.
If you are feeling unsafe, best use the "k" for kill.
WARNING: Jan doesn't splat! about childhood stuff.
SPOILER for Anger and mention of childhood sexual abuse.
sorry in advance
(Jan says,"Why do you always have to f#$*&(! apologize!", then we have
to apoligize to her for saying we're sorry. God my head hurts from
all this yelling.)
Now Jan:
I speak tonight of betrayal.
And hatred, simmering and growing,
festering in the bowels of that betrayal.
Do you know us? Can you know us?
Betrayal.
We know this word.
We know this thing called betrayal.
We have been betrayed and have betrayed.
We learned it young.
From a mother who betrayed her child.
Who made that child into her lover.
Oh, so kind, so cunning.
So sick.
From a father who fed on the fear he created.
The violence.
The taking of his child for his own feelings of power.
The sexual violence he committed on this child (dare we call it rape?)
The utter disgust he showed towards us.
From the neighbor, the husband of the woman who was to watch us
during the day when our parents were at work.
When he fondled us and mocked us.
From other neighbors who found this child a safe target for their
own perversions.
Safety? What was this child to know of safety?
To constantly wonder if the mother would come home each night or
be killed by the father?
To seek human touch, any touch, any form of love, only to be
nursed by the curdled milk from their mother's breast?
And betrayed.
But still we clung to the hope that love would find its way to us.
And we thought we had found it.
So we married.
But the demons of unknown abuse, of multiplicity
had their own betrayal to work.
We were betrayed by our own body.
We were betrayed by ourselves; we betrayed us.
And were betrayed by our love, our partner, our hope, our trust.
And we were abandoned, and so we betrayed.
But still we clung to the hope that love would find its way to us.
And we thought we had found it again.
And we also discovered we had a profound fear of abandonment.
And we married again; we had to; we couldn't be alone and abandoned.
But we were betrayed again.
We were deceived by convenience masquerading as love.
We thought we were loved, but in the end they thought nothing of us
And abandoned us.
And we were betrayed again, and so we betrayed and abandoned.
And this cycle repeated once again:
Hope, grasping at promises of love, clinging from fear of abandonment.
Needing to be touched, paying whatever price it took.
Needing someone to help steady us against the wind blowing through our souls.
Something to focus us.
Marrying again for the third time, throwing all our minds and souls into
the consuming fire, trying to keep a love alive.
Only to be utterly betrayed and abandoned once more, worse than ever before.
And left with only bitterness and insanity.
But this time we did not betray.
Now we hate.
We feel ourselves trying to betray us sometimes, but we have learned.
We have learned what made us what we are.
And we have vengence.
The vengence of not betraying.
We know now and we hate.
We are using this new feeling, this hatred.
We know, in time, we will transcend it and move on to some other place.
But this plane of pain, this hatred is essential to our healing now.
We could never get here before.
Forty-five years, and now we can finally know.
Know what they did to the child so many years ago and what it did to us.
Know their sickness and how it carved and twisted our psyche.
And reject both them and their sickness, and know hatred for a change.
Now if the other internals can only stay sane.
Stay sane enough to wait a little while longer while this cold blue flame
of vengeful hatred sears the bonds that bind us to our past,
Destroys the sickness, frees us to let our many selves
just
be
us.
And be at peace with that.
Silently screaming in pain and rage,
we are
Jan (of the janus Consortium)
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: Many facets, many faces, :
: all asking, "But who are we?" :
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janus, the Gateway
Odd.
Our original post hasn't shown up yet here, but ppl's responses to it
have. Guess it got through somehow and our server is just screwed up.
Or are we having negative hallucinations?
Wonder what else we missed? :(
In <3acrqc$j...@usenet.INS.CWRU.Edu> Peter Barach, Ph.D. wrote:
> Your hatred is part of the effects of the abuse, and I
> hope you can master it instead of letting it steer your life,
> or you will have become in that way like those who hurt you, and
> that would be truly sad...
janus' reply follow this blast from Jan:
Jan replies:
Well no kidding.
Perhaps you should re-read the post.
We expressed the fact that after over 40 years,
we can finally begin to feel anger towards the
subhumans who abused us.
Some people would call this
"healthy".
As you may not have noted, it is a condition we consider
neither all encompassing nor permanent.
janus continues:
We do sorely wish that ppl would at least try to understand
what is being said when others post here. So many misinterpretations
have been noticed (not so many here as on asar though) by us.
(Maybe we are more unified in our multiplicity and dissociation?)
Agree with saphyre gazelles on the goal of minimizing preaching.
However, we occasionally get on a soap box ourselves (particularly when
our internal Professor starts talking - can't get that one to stop
sometimes <g!> :)
And we know ppl have their own sensitive, tender spots, that when they
read something one group has said, it really pushes their buttons and
they feel they need to jump on what they perceive has been said
(which may or may not have been what was actually said).
Seeing to Peter's post helped clarify what we were feeling and gave us an
excuse to summarize it - thank you, Peter - we think Jan succinctly
expressed that feeling above. We know the damage that inappropriate anger
and hatred can cause - we know that first-hand from both sides (also
alluded to in original post). What is truly remarkable is to see us
finally getting down to the root causes of so many of our problems - the
abuse. And instead of accepting it (as we have for so many years), we are
finally learning to reject it.
Now, once this washes through us, cleansing us, we have to learn
something all over again, something we can't do at all now, something
we sometimes desperately miss, something we all need:
We need to learn how to trust.
janus, writing for the Gateway Consortium
Jan
Peter Barach
now on <g>
--
Peter Barach, Ph.D.
Horizons Counseling Services, Inc.
Cleveland, OH
send all email to aa...@cleveland.freenet.edu
janus, the Gateway
Peter Barach, Ph.D. wrote:
> Sorry about sounding preachy (I"m hiding behind the soaphbox from
> now on <g>
No harm done. Come on back out and have a seat on it.
Maybe we can all learn something here.
<offers hand to shake?>
- Jan
GR...@vm1.nodak.edu
Just a short post to let everyone know I've found my way to this
newsgroup. I've a history of DID or whatever name given it at this
time (if they have not changed it again they probably will *smile*).
Some of you may know me from WWIVnet's More Than One In This
Body, a message base I started with Hey Jood several years ago and
no longer access; or from ASAR, Sanctuary, or IRC or perhaps even
in person.
If you recognize me, feel free to say hello so I know you are here
and can return the greeting. If you don't know me, feel free to get
to know me.
Rockielynn