WHY......... WOW
pooh
might have to take drugs for the rest my my life. Then somedays i
think i won't get to the end of my life if i don't (if that makes any
sense). I don't know how many times i asked the question WHY???
Its just one big circle for me i get down then i'm up for a while
then it all comes around to being down in this big hole of nothing
again, and no one in my life seems to understand. I am at this point
in my circle where its all about me, i really don't care about others
and i know this is bad but this is the way i feel. I put on a smile
and just agree with what everyone tells me, when i wear that smile no
one will ever know what i really feel.
WOW didn't think i would ever write all of that down, but i feels
good getting it out with people who understand.
Dave
Believe me, if it helps, we are all here to listen. I used to be somewhat
similar in my reluctance to take drugs the rest of my life, then I realized
that the depression I am dealing with runs in the family. And some of my
ancestors didn't have the benefit of what we call modern medicine or the
drugs it gives us. And they suffered a lot more than I do. Hell, a hundred
years ago I would have been a basket case, and sometimes think I am not far
from that now. And yes, nowadays I am glad that I can take a pill and be
more or less fully functional. Turning 50 has helped me look at things a
little differently, it seems. Never thought I would get this far, and am
now looking forward to going further. Hard for me to wrap my head around
that one.
Now, on the other hand, I might not *have* to take all the drugs I currently
take for the rest of my life. Twenty years ago, if I missed taking my meds
on time, I went through three weeks of absolute hell before things settled
back down. And ten years ago I realized that if I somehow forgot to take my
night meds until the next morning, I could take an extra antidepressant
capsule to help "normalize" the dip I had caused in my blood-chemistry, and
go on without much of any consequences. Now, if I miss my meds, it's really
no big deal, just so long as I take them as soon as I wake up and realize I
missed them the night before. The last time I fell asleep over a book and
missed my meds, I just took them the next morning and there was no problem
of any kind. Unreal.
And as I write this it has been six weeks since I last saw my pdoc, who does
both my meds and my therapy, and I am not having any problem. Okay, I take
that back, I have taken the "something extra" that he gives me for
especially hard times a couple days ago, but that is all. I am level-headed
and on an even keel. I am doing housework and paying bills (it being the
first of the month and all) and taking care of things such that the wife is
gratefull for an easy-going weekend. And I am able to keep up the facade,
which isn't as much of a facade as it used to be. It' smore like the real
thing. Almost like I a not even dealing with depression. Even if I know I
will be down again, because that's the way things go. Nothing is perfect,
and life is a series of ups and downs. But I a not suicidal, wondering how
long I can keep up the act before I finally just can't stand it anymore and
off myself. Not even close to that. Only wishig money wasn't so tight.
But coping.
So anyway, that's where I am. And it's taken nearly twenty five years to
get to this point, but most people aren't dealing with the stuff in their
heads I was. Seriously. If you want, email me at my hotmail address, and I
will go into more detail. Some people would find it interesting, and others
only scary. For me it's just life. But it's a hell of a lot better than it
used to be. And I owe most of my thanks to my pdoc, who saw someone
desperate and did what he could to help them. The rest I owe to my wife,
who stuck by me when things got tough, and it wasn't certain for a while how
they would turn out. And somewhere in there (though I am not exactly sure
where,) I owe myself a small pat on the back for not giving up.
Okay, I'm getting down off the soap-box. Sorry for the monologue. The
truth is I do still go up and down, but my downs are anything like they used
to me. And that's basically it.
Please take care of yourself. You deserve it. And post/talk anytime you
want. We'll be here.
(((((HUGS))))) to any/all who want them. Warm, comforting thoughts to all
the rest.
Dave
"pooh" <cindyp...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:d5be24a1-6b6f-4e9d...@y21g2000vba.googlegroups.com...
Sphinx
>
> news:d5be24a1-6b6f-4e9d...@y21g2000vba.googlegroups.com...
>
> >I find it really hard to wrap this around my head, the fact that i
> > might have to take drugs for the rest my my life. Then somedays i
> > think i won't get to the end of my life if i don't (if that makes any
> > sense). I don't know how many times i asked the question WHY???
> > Its just one big circle for me i get down then i'm up for a while
> > then it all comes around to being down in this big hole of nothing
> > again, and no one in my life seems to understand. I am at this point
> > in my circle where its all about me, i really don't care about others
> > and i know this is bad but this is the way i feel. I put on a smile
> > and just agree with what everyone tells me, when i wear that smile no
> > one will ever know what i really feel.
> > WOW didn't think i would ever write all of that down, but i feels
> > good getting it out with people who understand.
>
>
hello all, i will post again when things are less dicey.
strange difficult to write when things are seriously dicey.
Dave
done.
Dave
"coooooool grandma" <Audr...@webtv.net> wrote in message
news:12975-4C0...@storefull-3112.bay.webtv.net...
>I see alot of me in that monologue. 40 years for me. Pray we both
> improve. Audrey
>