The Lost Son Returns
Trevor
Just to give you an example almost every night before I fell asleep I prayed
that God would take my soul (let me die in my sleep) before I woke up. In
fact my exact line was - disclaimer writers thoughts about hurting/killing
themselves - As I lay down to sleep, I ask that God my soul to keep ........
and it goes on. The point is that for just over a year I did not want to
live - I just wanted to simply go to bed and die while I was sleeping.
Mainly the problem was I could never find a sure fire way to dot "it" and I
was way too scared of failing. I don't know if I was scared of becoming a
vegetable, of just failing again and ending up alive (sometimes without
anyone knowing what had just gone on) or failing and having to face that
condescending nurse look of all you want is some more attention again and
that is why you were not really serious you had no real intention of killing
yourself (the doctors, intake workers are famous of putting a lot of faith
in the latter and often you will not even be admitted and if you are the
doctors either treats you like the nurses did or they slap BPD (Borderline
Personality Disorder) on you and then basically write you off for some one
who is an attention seeker, you also often get the negative thinking that
comes with that conclusion (like I did it because I planned to fail). In all
there is a real incentive not to reach out and sometimes the only thing that
saves me is my big fear of failing because of the above and for its part
fear of death. I have lost too many friends not to at least wonder what if
there is nothing after this (not my intention or DESIRE to talk about
religion. If there is something we believe in that is ours and something we
have thought of after for some time and we should take any serious
conversation we have about this to email) Personally I feel that using pure
logic you can come to the conclusion that at the least, all of us together
interacting, is bigger than a single person even if its only because of the
energy created by so many people interacting with each other that creates
something larger than ourselves Even I think on a gut level I know this. So
over the past year largely fear of failure and a little fear of succeeding
split with a faith in a strength greater than just my own has kept me
going - barely.
God though it was tough.
So on to the interesting bit - enough with the babble (what I call nuts and
bolts - crap to fill a therapy session.
Not that there were many of those. I really fall through the cracks here. I
really am not sick enough to get the care I need unless I pay for it which
on a fixed income is impossible and even then there is a two to three month
waiting list to get in. Sometimes you are rushed in especially in they have
a reasonably timely intake process then you might wait for up to just for
month. I can get through a day myself and stay alive but not live as well
and in my experience there is a bit difference between the two. I basically
went through the motions but without any joy or hope, sadness or anger and
that was on a good day. I was a shell of a person - alive but not living. I
would love to say that has all changed but it really has not. All I am doing
is giving it one more shove for the "team" and if that does not work than I
expect that within a year I will have passed away. I find it hard that after
all I gone through and gotten through there has to be s little I could offer
to someone else - to anyone even society in general. Surely all my life
experience is worth something and hopefully has enough value that it could
be used even part time - just now and again. Alas though I am old, not that
attractive have no money and am not particularly talented with the exception
of having very little fear of saying whats on my mind and doing so in what I
believe to be a frank and straight up manner. Somehow though that is not
enough. ++++
My brother gets out of jail soon. The story is so ironic and if your someone
I know I will consider sharing it. It is just that it deals with a number of
issues I know that some people really struggled with including myself at
time. Its only because of the incredible irony of what happened and to a
certain degree to who that makes the story worth telling. I am glad he is
getting out and I am sure there are a lot of things I don't know regarding
everything that went on around it and it specifically but from what I have
been told in my opinion he should consider himself very lucky - that and by
the grace of God go I...........
Knowing my brother though no amount of jail time will equal the punishment I
think he is feeling now, some of it self inflicted which regardless of what
I think I don't want him to hate himself. He feels so guilty that I am
afraid he may not forgive himself in time (myself forgiving and condoning
are two very different things).
I have been trying to work up the emery/pep to take the bus half way across
town and spend at least two if not three hours in a couple large malls and
then spend twenty minutes of that at future shop to be treated like dirt by
the sale staff so I can spend for me what is a small fortune. Unfortunately
I need to go to at least one of the malls and have to go to future shop
before they quit making something you can record TV on (not on the computer)
and save it to a disk, memory card or onto your computer, just some type of
permanent media. Unfortunately Future Shop is the cheapest in time - just my
luck. I don't want one of those PVR's because the hard drive only holds so
much and there is not way to put the show on permanent media. The only
reason I am really doing this is because my VCR is toast and only one place
sells them here anymore and my computer is not set up hardware wise right
now to record TV. So even though I won't be spending five hundred dollars
(Canadian 0.67 US) on a PVR I will still end up spending between two and
three hundred - along with what I have to get at the malls. Oh well at least
I saved it but it is going to be a sunny day when I do this. I don't care if
it is a bit on the cool side but I am so BLOODY sick of it being overcast
that I could scream (and just did). Besides if I have to go through the hell
of the mall and then to make matters worse Future Shop I want to be greeted
by the sun when I get out. Update - made it to the stores I most needed to
get to and got the things I absolutely had to almost yesterday. There are
still a lot of other things but besides my shoes and maybe the PVR they are
not really anything with a deadline that HAS to be met.
One of the few things that gave me some hope lately was the report that came
out regarding the use of medicinal marijuana and it's effects on pain and
those living with Chronic Fatigue and some type of Neuropathy. The findings
look really good and one of the things that it verified that I have been
saying all along is you don't have to get stoned to feel better. I took part
in a test and within days my appetite level increased along with my energy
level (which continued to go up a bit because I was now finially eating). I
did not find a big difference in the severity of the pain but I was much
more willing to do things even if the low intensity but consistent
background pain was still the same. The incredible change for me was in the
neuropathy and sensation of touch. By the end of week one, start of week two
I was making my bed and for the first time in over five years I could feel
the side of the bed pressing on the front part of my lower leg (basically
just below the knee to just above the ankle - which is almost funny since my
knee cap constantly pops out almost every time I bend to low especially if I
am moving a bit or have done it for a while) and the feeling of the bed on
my leg was enough of a shock I just stopped and appreciated/experienced what
it felt like. I also took some time to give it a bit of thought and go back
through my daily check list. One of the symptoms I reported a marked and
quick decline in was the feeling of numbness in the front middle part of my
lower leg. I also noted a decline in how intense the feeling of coolness
around the centre of that area was. Then I go to the kitchen and come back
to continue making my bed and realize for the first time in years I can
feel - really feel - the texture of the sheets on my fingertips. For the
first time in years I knew exactly how hard I was holding the sheets and
what that felt like. For the first time in years I was not afraid I was not
really holding onto the sheets tight at all and once again they would come
sliding out of my hand so my arm could continue to move till it hit the edge
of the bed frame (till one day it missed but instead hit a hurricane style
bed lamp from the 1950's off the bed side table and broke it - I know not
much of an antique or collectable - but from a dear friend who has passed).
These a just two positive effects I have experienced - and while they are
really the same problem (neuropathy caused by two different issues) it has
proven to me that the study is right. I really wish I could apply for a
permanent certificate allowing me the use of medicinal marijuana but because
of certain issues my family doctor cannot do it though he would be willing
to. Getting it is really hard. We use to have a legal place where you could
get it but it was also where all the heroin junkies came for their free
daily methadone. Now it did not come cheap to them or us either actually. We
both had to pee in a cup (sorry language) to prove we had not taken any
other drug except for the ones we were getting from our single family doctor
and that included the one you were taking/picking up at the clinic and that
meant alcohol as well. A lot of the meth users were that users not abusers.
Most of the ones I got to know a bit were really trying and there were
always a number doing really well no matter where they were on the journey.
I truly hope they will make it easier for people to get medicinal marijuana
where I am because they have proven beyond a reasonable doubt that the
findings are accurate and those finding basically say only one thing. The
use of marijuana for medicinal purposes in dosages appropriate with the aim
of improving the symptoms for the illness being treated significantly
improves the quality of life for the subject without any major concern of
negative side effects including the concern the it might act as a "step"
drug.
On a slightly different note I was paid the best compliment I could have
gotten yesterday (this post has been written over the course of the past
week). A person who is the web site director/producer of a popular and
commercial web page let me know that my emails about problems with the site
and for some of the more obscure things possible ways to fix it was
something that this person really appreciated and was happy to get. That
made me feel a bit better as I as really starting to get down about how most
of my skills are not being used especially the ones that are largely self
taught and I am most proud of. Learning how to use a computer was something
I did without any type of course or regular instruction. Hell back when the
operating system was still run off discs one of the first things I did was
format all my DOS discs which at the time you had to have or windows three
would never run. I have come a long way from that and a lot of it in a very
short time so whenever I find out my computer skills are actually of some
use there is a certain amount of satisfaction in it.
I promised that by Sunday I would have this posted and considering this is
Saturday afternoon and by the look of the slider the post appears huge I
should go about wrapping this up. Most of the people here have probably
changed - that seems to happen when I vanish for an extended amount of time.
At the same time there seems to be a handful of us that keep coming back
even if it is only now and then and sometimes not for long. I know there was
a lot of negativity in my post but there always seems to be something in the
end that keeps me going - for now I am less worried about what it is and
just simply thankful it is there - for how ever long there is. I don't know
things could change tomorrow but for now one more college try and then I
will decide where to go after that.
Trevor
Sphinx
hi there. eleanor rigby and ensoul are here.
have you met dave? hurricanes frances and jeanne
rendered my desktop inactive. i came back 2007
when i bought a netbook.
Dave
"Trevor" <acr...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:6LednQ3XiJH1txDR...@tbaytel.net...
Hey dude! Man, it sounds like you have been through the mill. A couple
times even. Good to see you though. I do hope that perhaps things will go
a little easier on you from here on out.
As Sphinx said, the list of ongoing attendees is rather small, but they have
been here a while. I don't know if you will remember me, but I remember
you. :)
Don't really know what else to say right now, other than it's good to see
you again. Hope you can hang around a while. Will miss you if that's not
possible.
I personally don't think your post was highly negative, BTW, it just talked
about some unhappy things you've had to deal with. To me, that's not
negative, it's just real.
Take it easy. Good to have you back.
Dave