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James D. Milton

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Aug 9, 1998, 3:00:00 AM8/9/98

VIRUS ALERT - 15 Viruses To Watch For

Should you receive a document with any of the following viruses, you
must immediately open the window and throw out your computer. I repeat,
do not ever again use your computer should it be infected with ANY of
these horrible viruses.

1. Freudian Virus
Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes
very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive.

2. Lorena Bobbit Virus
Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.

3. Paul Revere Virus
Warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:\

4. Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus
Instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg.

5. Ollie North Virus
Plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files.

6. Joey Buttafuaco Virus
Only attacks minor files.

7. Ronald Reagan Virus
Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored.

8. Jane Fonda Virus
Attacks your hard drive's FAT.

9. Oprah Winfrey Virus
Your 200 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80 MB, and then slowly
expands to 300 MB.

10. AT&T Virus
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

11. MCI Virus
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for
the AT&T virus.

12. Politically Correct Virus
Never calls itself a "virus" but instead refers to itself as an
"electronic microorganism."

13. Ross Perot Virus
Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn
thing quits.

14. Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

15. Government Economist Virus
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is
fine.

**************************************************************************

"15 REASONS WHY DOGS DON'T USE COMPUTERS"
-----------------------------------------

1. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.

2. Fetch command not available on all platforms.

3. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.

4. Too difficult to "mark" every web site they visit.

5. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail".

7. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing
http:/www.pethouse.com instead of working.

8. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that virtual Frisbee.

9. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.

10. Still trying to come up with an emotion that signifies tail wagging.

11. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.

12. Saliva coated floppy disks refuse to work.

13. SIT and STAY were hard enough; DELETE and SAVE are out of the
question!

14. Distracted by cats chasing the mouse.

15. TrO{gO HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,. ("Too hard to type
with paws!")

**************************************************************************

"Measurements"
--------------

1,000,000,000,000 Microphones = 1 Megaphone
1,000,000 bicycles = 2 megacycles
500 millinaries = 1 seminary
2,000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
10 cards = 1 decacards
_ lavatory = 1 demijohn
0.000001 fish = 1 microfiche
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
1,000,000,000,000 pins = 1 terrapin
1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 picolos = 1 gigolo
10 rations = 1 decoration
100 rations = 1 C-ration
10 millipedes = 1 centipede
3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
10 monologues = 5 dialogues
5 dialogues = 1 decalogue
2 monograms = 1 diagram
8 nickels = 2 paradigms
2 snake eyes = 1 paradise
2 wharves = 1 paradox

**************************************************************************

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?

Q: How old is your son -- the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or a
cult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights
flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that
morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

**************************************************************************

"THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE"
-------------------------

AGE DRINK
17 beer
25 beer
35 vodka
48 double vodka
66 Maalox

SEDUCTION LINE
17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My second wife is dead.

FAVORITE SPORT
17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 sex
66 napping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "tongue"
25 "breakfast"
35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 "Got home alive."

FAVORITE FANTASY
17 getting to third base
25 airplane sex
35 menage a trois
48 taking the company public
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

HOUSE PET
17 roaches
25 stoned-out college roommate
35 Irish setter
48 children from his first marriage
66 Barbi

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17

IDEAL DATE
17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 "Split the check before we go back to my place"
35 "Just come over."
48 "Just come over and cook."
66 sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.

"THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE"
---------------------------

AGE DRINK
17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to color my hair
48 Need to have Francois color my hair
66 Need to have Francois color my wig

FAVORITE SPORT
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "Burger King"
25 "Free meal"
35 "A diamond"
48 "A bigger diamond"
66 "Home Alone"

FAVORITE FANTASY
17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair
66 a man

HOUSE PET
17 Muffy the cat
25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
48 Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 Husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66

IDEAL DATE
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 He can chew breakfast

***************************************************************************

"WRITING TIPS"
--------------
by Amy Vernon

In the interest of improving society in general, The Flip Side offers the
following tips on good writing:

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
3. Employ the vernacular.
4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
6. Remember to never split an infinitive.
7. Contractions aren't necessary.
8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
9. One should never generalize.
10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate
quotations. Tell me what you know."

**************************************************************************

"Mergers"
---------

A number of years ago there was a proposed merger between Fairchild
Electronics and Honeywell Computers. The new company would be called
Fairwell Honeychild.

A merger is in the works involving Polygraph Records, Warner Brothers,
and Keebler Crackers. To be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.

W.R. Grace Co. is to buy the Fuller Brush Co. and Mary Kay Cosmetics,
then to merge with the Hale Business Systems. This would result in the
new mega-corporation Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

Don't forget the failed merger between Yahoo and Netscape: Net'n'Yahoo.
It didn't work out because the managers were afraid they would have to
relocate the headquarters to Tel Aviv.

Others mergers in the works:

3M + Goodyear = mmmGood

John Deere + Abitibi-Price = Deere Abi

Honeywell + Imasco + Home Oil = Honey, I'm Home

Denison Mines + Alliance & Metal Mining = Mine, All Mine

3M + JC Penney + Canadian Opera Company = 3 Penney Opera

Grey Poupon + Dockers Pants = Poupon Pants

Crabtree & Evelyn + Apple Computer = Crab Apple

Swissair + Cheseborough-Ponds = Swisscheese

Zippo Manufacturing + Audi + Dofasco & Dakota Mining = Zip Audi Do Da

Knott's Berry Farm + National Organization of Women = Knott NOW

**************************************************************************

"A Failure to Communicate"
--------------------------

Stories that Madison Avenue chooses NOT to tell about itself:

1. The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?"
prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to
their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"

2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was
read as "Suffer from diarrhea".

3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an
American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux".

4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany only
to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use
for the "manure stick".

5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same
packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they
learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of
what's inside, since many people can't read.

6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a
notorious porno magazine.

7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish
market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el
Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).

8. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi
brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.

9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning
"Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on
the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic
equivalent "kokou kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth".

10. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a
tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "It takes an aroused man
to make a chicken affectionate".

11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were
supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you".
Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate)
meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and
make you pregnant".

**************************************************************************

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in
her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for
cookies and her mother told her, "No." The little girl immediately began
to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have
half of the aisles left to go through -- don't be upset. It won't be long
now."

Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for
candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother
said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry -- only two more aisles to go and
then we'll be checking out."

When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to
clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd
be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, "Monica, we'll be through
this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a
nice nap."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to
compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with
little Monica," he began.

The mother replied, "I'm Monica -- my little girl's name is Tammy."

**************************************************************************

"US Air Force Squawks"
----------------------

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force
pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem
listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm
descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

**************************************************************************

"George Washington & The Cherry Tree"
-------------------------------------

The Indian chief says to his son, "Son, you push-um outhouse off-um
cliff?"

The kid says, "No, me no push-um outhouse off-um cliff."

The chief says, "Son, me tell-um you story of Great White Father, George
Washington.

"Many moons ago, when Great White Father was young boy, him chop-um down
cherry tree.

"Him father ask-um, 'Georgie, you chop-um down cherry tree?'

"George say-um, 'Cannot tell lie, Father. Me chop-um down cherry tree.'

"Him father say, 'Georgie bad, but Georgie honest, so you no get-um
punishment.'

"Now I ask-um you again ... you push-um outhouse off-um cliff?"

The kid says, "Yes, Father, me push-um outhouse off-um cliff."

The Chief grabs the kid and beats the tar out of him.

The kid says, "Father, Great White Father tell truth and get-um off
scott-free. I tell-um truth ... why you beat-um tar out of me?"

The Chief says, "George Washington's father not in cherry tree when
George chop-um down."

*************************************************************************

"Politically Correct Alphabet"
------------------------------

A is an Activist itching to fight.

B is a Beast with its animal rights.

C was a Cripple (now differently abled).

D is a Drunk who is "liquor-enabled".

E is an Ecologist who saves spotted owls.

F was a Forrester, now staffing McDonald's.

G is a Glutton who says he's "food-centered".

H is a Hermaphrodite skirting problems of gender.

I is an "Ism" (you'd better believe it).

J is a Jingoist -- love it or leave it!

K is a Kettle the pot can't call black.

L is a Lifestyle not bound to the pack.

M is a Mindset with bias galore.

N was a Negro, but not anymore.

O is an Oppressor, devoid of self-love.

P is the Patriarchy (see "O" above).

Q is a Quip that costs someone a job.

R is the Reasoning done by a mob.

S is a Sexist, that slobbering menace.

T is a Teapot that's brewing a tempest.

U is for Umbrage at the slightest transgression.

V is a Valentine, tool of oppression.

W is for "Woman" however it's spelled.

X is a chromosome we share in our cells.

Y is a Yogi for the easily led.

Z is a Zombie, the differently dead.

**************************************************************************

"Airline Jokes"
---------------

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New
York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami."
She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

I was just in London -0 there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still
confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel
hungry.

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

"Doctor Jokes"

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so
he gave him another six months.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said "Cough!"

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."
Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"

The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell
you?"

A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to
get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called
the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been
running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

The patient says "Doctor, it hurts when I do this."
"Then don't do that!"

The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your
tongue out the window".
"What will that do" asks the patient.
The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbor!"

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do
I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says "Limp!"

A Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!" The man says "How does a man
get pregnant?" The doctor says "The usual way, a little wine, a little
dinner ..."

A man goes to a psychiatrist "Nobody listens to me!"
The doctor says "Next!"

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says "You're crazy".
The man says "I want a second opinion!"
"Okay, you're ugly too!"

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears."
"Don't answer!"

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped
dead right as he was leaving the office".
Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

I know a guy who had his doctor say "take some weight off, go to a health
club." This man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

"Drunk Jokes"
-------------
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here
for drinking."
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial
goes to 60. The drunk says "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

"Golf Jokes"
------------

The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of
dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt.
Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying "Let's get up here before we
get killed!"

"Hollywood Jokes"
----------------

Hollywood called me, asking me "How much to do a movie with Farrah
Fawcett?" "$50,000!" They called back "How about $20,000?"
I said "I'll pay it!"

Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the
wall. I let her look.

I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.

"Homeless Guys Jokes"
---------------------

A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday."
I asked "When's payday?"
He said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"

A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!"
I said, "You should force yourself!"

Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week."
I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"

Another bum asked me "Can I have $300 for a cup of coffee?"
I told him "Coffee's a quarter!"
The bum said "Yeah, but I want to drink it in Brazil!"

I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket.
I asked "What do you want?"
"A match."
"Why didn't you ask me?"
"I don't talk to strangers."

"Wife Jokes"
------------

A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here."
"Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife."
"So you're single?"

Take my wife, please!

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife every
finds out, she'll kill me!

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a
week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food ... She goes
Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief
spends less than my wife did.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
She said, "Somewhere I have never been!"
I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife has a black belt in shopping.

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

All my wife does is shop -- once she was sick for a week, and three
stores went under.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker.
Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!
So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a
week.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night.
Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street.
The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?"
My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the
carburetor.
I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it
the Dead Sea.

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight,
but can she ever climb a tree!

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the
garbage?"
"No, hop on in!"

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the
hood.

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to
aim it.

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in
here?"
"Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

**************************************************************************

"Just Wondering?"
-----------------

A punk, in full regalia (leather, chains, rings on every bodily
protrusion, multicolored spiked hair ... the works), happened to note an
old man watching him intently from a park bench. The punk sauntered up to
the oldster and, with a sneer curling his purple-colored lips, demanded
to know what the old man was looking at.

"You," replied the senior citizen.

"Whatsamatter, don't you like what you see?" demanded the punk.

Never taking his gaze from the punk, the old man said: "About twenty
years ago I had intercourse with a parrot. I was just wondering if you
might be my son."

**************************************************************************

"English Lessons According to Gender"
-------------------------------------

"Women's English"

"Yes" = No
"No" = Yes
"Maybe" = No

"I'm sorry." = You'll be sorry.

"We need" = I want.

"It's your decision." = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

"Do what you want." = You'll pay for this later.

"We need to talk." = I need to complain.

"Sure ... go ahead." = I don't want you to.

"I'm not upset." = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

"You're ... so manly." = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

"You're certainly attentive tonight." = Is sex all you ever think about?

"Be romantic, turn out the lights." = I have flabby thighs.

"This kitchen is so inconvenient." = I want a new house.

"I want new curtains." = And carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper ...

"Hang the picture there." = NO, I mean hang it there!

"I heard a noise." = I noticed you were almost asleep.

"Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

"How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're really not
going to like.

"I'll be ready in a minute." = Kick off your shoes and find a good game
on TV.

"Is my butt fat?" = Tell me I'm beautiful.

"You have to learn to communicate." = Just agree with me.

"Are you listening to me?!" = Too late, you're dead.

"Was that the baby?" = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he
goes to sleep?

"I'm not yelling!" = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is important!

The answer to "What's wrong?":

The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up.
Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Men's English
-------------

"I'm hungry." = I'm hungry.
"I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy.
"I'm tired." = I'm tired.

"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with
you.

"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with
you.

"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"Nice dress!" = Nice tits!

"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.

"What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of
this.

"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma
are you going through now?

"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question?

"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?

"I love you." = Let's have sex now.

"I love you, too." = Okay, I said it ... we'd better have sex now!

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that
much different!

"Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep
person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with
other guys.

"I like that one better (while shopping)." = Pick any freakin' dress and
let's go home!

"I don't think that blouse and that skirt go together." = I'm gay.

**************************************************************************

"ANOTHER ENGINEER JOKE"
-----------------------

One day, a Mechanical Engineer, Electrical Engineer, Chemical Engineer,
and Computer Engineer were driving down the street in the same car.

The car broke down.

The Mechanical Engineer said "I think a rod broke."

The Chemical Engineer said "The way it sputtered at the end, I think it's
not getting gas."

The Electrical Engineer said "I think there was a spark and something is
wrong with the electrical system."

All three turned to the Computer Engineer and said, "What do you think?"

The Computer Engineer said, "I think we should all get out and get back
in."

**************************************************************************

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a
State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So
he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in
the front seat and three in the back -- wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't
understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the
problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know
that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other
drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly
... Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her
that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing
out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask ... Is everyone in this
car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a
single peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route
119."

**************************************************************************

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to
take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court
the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" asked the
lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the ..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the
question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road ..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway
patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the
accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please
tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and
said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just
loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when
this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck
right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into
the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I
could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible
shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He
could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he
looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then
the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at
me." He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How
are you feeling?"

**************************************************************************

"When All Else Fails"
---------------------

A young lady had just visited her doctor and he informed her that she was
pregnant. The young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a
baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that
she had to share the good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next
to her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with.

Sir, she said, I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I
have to share it with someone or I'll bust. She told him the news that
the doctor had told her about being pregnant.

The man shared her enthusiasm as he shared his experience. He said he was
a farmer and he had trouble with his hens laying eggs. He stated that he
went out to the hen house one morning and all of his hens had laid eggs.
He was so happy. He added, "but confidentially, I changed cocks."

The newly pregnant woman responded, "Confidentially, me too."

**************************************************************************

Remember -- a good laugh is far better than a bad pill!

Have a Great Sunday!

James

bwe...@my-dejanews.com

unread,

Aug 10, 1998, 3:00:00 AM8/10/98

So Is 1 billionth of a nanu
a Nano-nanu?

"Measurements"
--------------

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