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Final Jokes (Some Raunchy and Some Political) from James

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James D. Milton

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Nov 1, 1998, 3:00:00 AM11/1/98
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"Halloween Q & A"
-----------------

Q. Why do ghosts write in Latin?
A. It's a dead language.

Q. Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?
A. They're afraid of flying off the handle!

Q. Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
A. No body

Q. What do skeletons say before they begin dining?
A. Bone appetit!

Q. Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
A. Dayscare centers

Q. Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
A. His ghoul friend

Q. What monster flies his kite in a rain storm?
A. Benjamin Frankenstein

Q. What do ghosts serve for dessert?
A. Ice Scream

Q. What's a monster's favorite play?
A. Romeo and Ghouliet

Q. What do witches put on their hair?
A. Scare spray

Q. What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
A. Bamboo

Q. What's a haunted chicken?
A. A poultry-geist

Q. How can you tell when you're in bed with Count Dracula?
A. He has a big D on his pajamas.

Q. What's pink and gray and wrinkly and old and belongs to Grandpa
monster?
A. Grandma monster

Q. Why did the monster eat a light bulb?
A. Because he was in need of a light snack.

Q. Why are most monsters covered in wrinkles?
A. Have you ever tried to iron a monster?

Q. What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
A. Boo boos

Q. Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?
A. Because of his coffin

Q. Why do mummies make excellent spies?
A. They're good at keeping things under wraps.

Q. What kind of cereal do monsters eat?
A. Ghost-Toasties

Q. What kind of monster is safe to put in the washing machine?
A. A wash and wear wolf

Q. What's the first thing ghosts do when they get into a car?
A. They boo-kle their seatbelts.

Q. What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs, and goes quack-quack?
A. Count Duckula

Q. What do you call a person who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A. A cereal killer

Q. Why are monsters huge and hairy and ugly?
A. Because if they were small and round and smooth, they'd be M&Ms.

Q. Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party?
A. Because everyone was a goblin!

Q. How did the ghost patch his sheet?
A. With a pumpkin patch

Q. What do witches use on their hair?
A. Scare spray

Q. What is as sharp as a vampire's fang?
A. His other fang

Q: What do the birds sing on Halloween?
A: Twick or Tweet

Q: What did the little ghost have in his rock collection?
A: Tombstones

Q: Why should a skeleton drink 10 glasses of milk a day?
A: It's good for the bones.

Q: What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween?
A: White pillowcases

Q: What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?
A: Squash

Q: Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game?
A: Their bats flew away.

Q: What was the witches' favorite subject in school?
A: Spelling

Q: Why did the mummy call the doctor?
A: Because he was coffin.

Q: What does a vampire fear most?
A: Tooth decay

Q: Where did the vampire open his savings account?
A: At a blood bank

Q: What did the mad scientist eat on Halloween?
A: Frankenfurters with Ketchup

Q: Where do mummies go for a swim?
A: To the Dead Sea

Q: What is Transylvania?
A: Dracula's terror-tory

Q: Where does Dracula water ski?
A: On Lake Erie

Q: What kind of boat pulls Dracula when he water skis?
A: A blood vessel

Q: What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern
by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin pi

Q: Why are there fences around cemeteries?
A: Because people are dying to get in.

Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A: He didn't have the guts.

Q: What does a ghost eat for lunch?
A: A BOO-logna sandwich

Q: How does the witch know what time it is?
A: She looks at her witch-watch.

Q: What did the Mommy ghost say to the baby ghost?
A: Don't spook until your spooken to.

Q: What kind of protozoa likes Halloween?
A: An amoeboo

Q: How do vampires get around on Halloween night?
A: By blood vessels

Q: Why do ghouls and demons hang out together?
A: Because demons are a ghoul's best friend!

Q: What happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his
exorcist?
A: He was repossessed.

Q: What kind of dog does Dracula have?
A: A bloodhound

Q: Where did they put Dracula when he was arrested?
A: In a red blood cell

Q: What is Dracula's favorite holiday?
A: Fangsgiving

Q: What do you give a vampire with a cold?
A: Coffin drops

Q: Why did the vampire quit the baseball team?
A: They would only let him be BAT boy!

Q: Why didn't Dracula get married?
A: He never met a nice Ghoul!

Q: What do little ghosts drink?
A: Evaporated milk

Q: Why do cemeteries have fences around them?
A: Because people are dying to get in.

Q: When do ghosts usually appear?
A: Just before someone screams.

Q: What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet?
A: A holy terror

Q: Why do witches think they're funny?
A: Every time they look in the mirror, it cracks up.

Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They wear masking tape.

Q: What would you find on a haunted beach?
A: A sand witch

Q: Who has a broom and flies?
A: A jelly-covered janitor

Q: What time would it be if five demons were chasing you?
A: Five after one

Q: Why don't skeletons like parties?
A: They have no body to dance with.

Q: What did the bat say to the witch's hat?
A: You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.

Q: What if you crossed a rabbit with a wolf?
A: You'd get a harewolf.

Q: What happens when a flying witch breaks the sound barrier?
A: You hear the broom boom.

Q: What goes "Oob, oob!"
A: A witch in reverse

Q: How do you make a milkshake?
A: You sneak up behind a glass of milk and yell "Boo!".

Q: What happens to a fast witch on a slow broom?
A: She flies off the handle.

Q: Why do demons hang out with ghouls?
A: Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.

Q: Why did the other kids have to let the vampire play baseball?
A: It was his bat.

Q: What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
A: Put your boos and shocks on.

Q: What did the mother vampire to son?
A: Hurry up and eat your breakfast before it clots.

Q: Mommy, Mommy, why do the kids all call me a werewolf?
A: Never mind, dear, now go and comb your face.

Q: What should you say when you meet a ghost?
A: "How do you boo, sir. How do you boo."

Q: What's a ghost's favorite breakfast?
A: Ghost toasties with booberries

Q: What's soft, moldy, and flies?
A: A spoiled bat

Q: What did the policeman say when a black widow spider ran down his
back?
A: "You're under a vest!"

Q: What happened to the big monster that took the five o'clock train
home?
A: He had to give it back.

Q: Why did the monster salute his vegetable soup?
A: He looked in his bowl and saw a kernel of corn.

Q: What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
A: A dead ringer

Q: What did Dracula say then he saw a giraffe for the first time?
A: I'd like to get to gnaw you.

Q: Which story do all little witches love to hear at bedtime?
A: "Ghoul Deluxe and the Three Scares"

Q: Why do dragons sleep during the day?
A: So they can fight knights.

Q: Where does Dracula keep his valuables?
A: In a blood bank

Q: How does a witch tell time?
A: She looks at her witch watch.

Q: Where can you see a real ugly monster?
A: In the mirror

Q: When is it bad luck to see a black cat?
A: When you're a mouse

Q: Why did the monster eat the caboose?
A: The locomotive told him to "Choo, choo".

Q: What's the best place for a mirror?
A: In a graveyard. It can double your mummy.

**************************************************************************

"What is a dog?"
----------------

1. They follow you around with their tongues out.

2. They only respond to simple commands.

3. Their needs are basic and predictable.

4. They whine when their needs are not met.

5. They always need to have something in their mouth.

6. They scratch a lot and sometimes drool.

7. They make loud noises and sometimes smell bad.

8. They need to be trained.

9. You can always tell when one has lived in a house for a long time.

10. They're rude and rowdy, especially when they're with others like
them.

Conclusion: They're little men in fuzzy boxers.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"What is a cat?"
----------------

1. Cats do what they want.

2. They rarely listen to you.

3. They're totally unpredictable.

4. They whine when they are not happy.

5. When you want to play, they want to be alone.

6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.

8. They're moody.

9. They leave hair everywhere.

10. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They're tiny little women in cheap fur coats.

**************************************************************************

"Is There No Royal Road to Mathematics?"
----------------------------------------

Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The
cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100
dots representing the elements of the set "M". The set "C", the cost of
production, contains 20 fewer points than set "M". Represent the set "C"
as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question:
What is the cardinality of the set "P" for profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
Her cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20. Your assignment:
Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20.
What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question:
How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the
trees?
There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 1996:
By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from

$80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by
exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer
taxed, because this encourages investment.

Teaching Math in 1997:
A company out-sources all of its loggers. The firm saves on benefits,
and when demand for its product is down, the logging work force can
easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned
$50,000, had three weeks vacation, a nice retirement plan, and medical
insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour.
Was outsourcing a good move?

Teaching Math in 1998:
A laid-off logger with four kids at home and a ridiculous alimony from
his first failed marriage comes into the logging-company corporate
offices and goes postal, mowing down 16 executives and a couple of
secretaries, and gets lucky when he nails a politician on the premises
collecting his kickback.
Was outsourcing the loggers a good move for the company?

Teaching Math in 1999:
A laid-off logger serving time in Folsom for blowing away several people
is being trained as a COBOL programmer in order to work on Y2K projects.
What is the probability that the automatic cell doors will open on their
own as of 00:01 on 01/01/00?

*************************************************************************

A businessman from Wisconsin went on a business trip to Louisiana. Upon
arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel room port and
sent a short E-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer Johnson, at her
address, Jenn...@world.net.

Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the E-mail ended up
going to Jean...@world.net, a Jean Johnson in Duluth, the wife of a
preacher who had just passed away and was buried that day. The preacher's
wife took one look at the E-mail and promptly fainted.

It read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"

*************************************************************************

There was a married couple sleeping and an intruder entered into their
house. The intruder put a knife to the neck of the woman and said, "I
like to know the names of my victims before I kill them, what is your
name?"

"My name is Elizabeth," the woman replied.

The intruder said, "You remind me of my mother who was also named
Elizabeth, so I can't kill you."

The intruder then turned to the husband and asked, "What is your name?"

"My name's Phillip, but my friends call me Elizabeth."

*************************************************************************

Sadly, both Bill Clinton and the Pope happened to die on the same day.

By mistake the Pope went to hell and Clinton went to heaven.

They both spent a full day in the wrong place before God discovered his
mistake and ordered that they be switched.

So Clinton and the Pope were rounded up and sent along to the right
places.

Passing each other along the way, Clinton shouts across the clouds to the
Pope: "Hey Pope, you're so lucky, you will really enjoy heaven."

The Pope replies: "Yes, I'm so looking forward to meeting the Virgin
Mary."

Clinton yells back: "Sorry, too late for that!"

*************************************************************************

"Letter from Granny"
--------------------

Hello Baby ...

The other day I went the local religious book store where I saw a "Honk
if you really love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the
back bumper of my car and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting
experience followed!

I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection ... just lost in
thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. The
bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus.

Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love
the Lord because he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!!!"
as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, "Go,
Jesus Christ, go!"

Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved
and smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from
Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a
sunny beach, and I saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle
finger stuck up in the air.

I had recently asked my two grandsons what that meant. They kind of
squirmed, looked at each other, giggled, and told me that it was the
Hawaiian good-luck sign, so I leaned out the window and gave him the
good-luck sign back.

A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they
got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to
pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed and I stepped on
the gas.

It's a good thing I did, because I was the only car to get across the
intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the
window, gave them a big smile, and held up the Hawaiian good-luck sign
as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Love ya all,
Grandma

*************************************************************************

NEW YORK (AP) -- Big Bird, the famed friendly muppet of Sesame Street,
has apparently gone on a rampage. Several muppets are known to be dead;
including Prarie Dawn, Oscar the Grouch, and Bert -- long time friend,
roommate, and occasional lover of Ernie. The bird is now reportedly
holding Maria hostage in a five floor tenement near Hooper's Store. New
York City Police SWAT teams have surrounded the building.

NEW YORK (AP) -- Big Bird, Sesame Street muppet, is reported dead at this
hour after an hour-and-a-half hostage standoff with the New York City
Police. Kermit-the-Frog, Sesame Street Muppet on the scene, reports that
as police stormed the five story tenement building where the bird was
holding Maria hostage, Big Bird flew out an upper story window at them in
a kamikaze-like attack. Police SWAT units brought down the bird in a hail
of automatic weapons fire. Dead are: Prairie Dawn, Oscar the Grouch,
Bert, and Big Bird. There is no information available concerning Maria.

NEW YORK (AP) -- The Professor and his assistant, Beaker, muppet
chemists, have reportedly found Angel Dust in Big Bird's feed. Big Bird
was killed by police early this morning after the bird went on a killing
spree on Sesame Street. Maria, taken hostage during the ordeal, has
survived unharmed. Three muppets were killed by the bird: Prarie Dawn (a
friendly, pig-tailed muppet girl-child), Oscar the Grouch (a green
garbage-can dwelling grumpy muppet), and Bert (the famous gay paper clip
collector and pigeon friend). Authorities in the area report that the bad
seed was purchased at the local Hooper's.

NEW YORK (AP) -- Police are asking all motorists and humans to stay away
from Sesame Street today as tensions are running high among the muppets.
Many reportedly are outraged at the tainted food supply and at how the
police handled the hostage situation. According to bystanders on the
scene at the time, Mr. Snuffalufagus pleaded with police to be allowed to
talk Big Bird down. Instead, police stormed the building with deadly
results. Ernie is said to be despondent at the loss of his good buddy
Bert.

NEW YORK (AP) -- Violence erupted again on Sesame Street at five o'clock
this afternoon. As thousands of humans driving home took a sightseeing
tour of the scene of Big Bird's deadly rampage, the muppets became
enraged. Hundreds of muppets, large and small, stalked the streets and
surrounded humans in their cars. In at least one case, ten muppets pulled
a motorist from his car and beat him with large, styrofoam letters.
Police again arrived on the scene in force. At this hour, quiet is
restored -- but tensions are very high.

NEW YORK (AP) -- Police and fire units have been called to Sesame Street.
Reporters on the scene describe a nightmarish atmosphere. Furry muppets
ranging in size from only inches to seven feet in height are looting
Hooper's Store and firebombing the entire neighborhood. Orange and blue
firelight is rising over many buildings. Cardboard backdrops, props, and
storehouses full of numbers and letters are burning to the ground.
Muppets are taunting firemen and police from windows high above the
street with counting and alphabet songs.

NEW YORK (AP) -- Morning light has brought an eerie calm to Sesame Street
after a night of rioting. Smoke rises from most buildings. On the street,
lifeless, crumpled fur lies in mute testament of the night of wild
outrage. Unknown numbers of muppets have died or been shot to death by
Police in full riot gear. Here and there, a muppet -- still animated with
life -- can be seen staring at the wreckage, or sweeping vacantly at the
rubble. The Count was reported running down the street crying and
yelling: "Ten, ten lifeless muppet bodies!" No humans were killed in the
rioting, although several people reported rug-burns.

NEW YORK (AP) -- Ernie, friend, and longtime roommate of the murdered
muppet Bert, broke his two-day silence today with a eulogy address at a
mass muppet funeral. The following is the complete transcript of his
address:

"I come here today to honor a person I loved. A man who was loved by
millions throughout the world. Bert was a giant among muppets. His
paper-clip collection was viewed with awe by many of the world's
leaders. Just one year ago, as President Clinton campaigned on Sesame
Street for the muppet vote, it was Bert who everyone turned to for
advice. It was Bert who told us all, 'anyone who can hang as many
paperclips together as Bill Clinton, can certainly run the country'.

"I also come here today to honor Big Bird. Bird was such a loving
creature. His large size and bright color alarmed many who first met him,
but it was his innocent and curious nature which taught us all to love
him. Bird wouldn't have wanted us to remember him, or to memorialize him,
with violence. All he ever wanted was for all creatures to 'just get
along' with each other. Big Bird has come to a bad end, friends, but is
wasn't his fault. It was just some bad seed."

*************************************************************************

"Parenting in the Post-Clinton Era"
-----------------------------------

Dad - Son, come in here, we need to talk.

Son - What's up, Dad?

D - There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?

S - I don't believe, if I understand the definition of "scratch the car"
that I can say, truthfully, that I scratched the car.

D - Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night,
and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?

S - Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the
car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did
not scratch it.

D - But your sister has told me she saw you back the car against the
mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw
you get out to examine the car, and drive away. So again I'll ask
you, yes or no, did you scratch the car?

S - Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it.
Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car. I
stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.

D - Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the mailbox?

S - Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I
mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact
with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.

D - So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?

S - No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original
statement that I did not scratch the car.

D - But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a
result of this contact?

S - Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.

D - So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car?

S - No! No, that's not correct. Your question was "Did I scratch the
car?". From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of
that sentence, I did not scratch the car ... the mailbox did ... I
was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of "No"
when you asked "Did I scratch the car" was legally correct, although
I did not volunteer information.

D - Where did you learn to be such a wise guy?

S - From The President of the United States.

<This wouldn't be funny if it weren't all too true!>

*************************************************************************

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The
current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in
years. And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt
anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and
turns him loose in the barn yard. Well, the old rooster sees the young
one strutting around and he gets a little worried. "So, they're trying to
replace me," thinks the old rooster. I've got to do something about this.

He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I
bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for
the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove
it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run
around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens
for himself."

Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he
was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on", said the young
rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start
of half a lap. I'll still win easy."

So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all
the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens
start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is
still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has
slipped a little but he's still hanging in there.

Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around,
and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster.

By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house,
gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barn yard figuring a fox or
something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two
roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still
slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and
blows the young rooster away.

As he walks away slowly, he says to himself, "Darn, that's the third gay
rooster I've bought this month."

**************************************************************************

"Overexposed"
-------------

When the President suffers from (media) overexposure ...

The scene: a darkened room somewhere in the White House.

The players: your favorite intrepid reporter, microphone in hand, and a
nervous-looking lawyer.

CC: Greetings ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another edition of
Soft Copy, your local investigative reporting show. Today -- eat
your heart out, Wolf Blitzer -- I bring you an exclusive interview
with one of the 2,304 lawyers currently investigating the Clinton
administration. To protect his identity, we'll call him Sam.

SAM: [checking pager] Can we get a move on? The team's found four more
interns that I need to interview.

CC: Sam, can you tell me why we're spending so much money to find out if
the President had an affair? Who cares?

SAM: Well, Hillary does, I'm sure.

CC: Yes, but wouldn't it be cheaper to advise her to use the Loreena
Bobbit director's cut of the movie Free Willy?

SAM: But it's not about sex.

CC: It's not? Damn! -- there go my ratings.

SAM: It's about power. Abuse of power and perjury, to be exact.

CC: I dunno. Sounds to me like these affairs have been pretty
consensual.

SAM: Consensual? Let's play a game. I'll be the President, you be the
Intern. I say: "Hi cutie, I want to have sex with you."

CC: "But you're twice my age and a married man!"

SAM: "Don't let that influence your decision. Or the fact that I'm your
boss, the President, the Commander-In-Chief, and that I have access
to the FBI and CIA, and I know what you did in the summer of 1993."

CC: "Ahahaha. Your place or mine?"

SAM: Bingo.

CC: Okay, okay, so he exercised poor judgement in that case. But surely
we can forgive him that?

SAM: That, plus allegations surrounding WhiteWatergate, Checkgate,
Travelgate, Filegate, Chinagate, hiding "soft" money to get around
campaign spending limits, renting out bed and breakfast rooms in the
White House for personal gain, charging an arm and a leg for having
coffee with the President, using the Secret Service several times to
drive him to a nearby motel while hiding under a blanket in the rear
seat of an unofficial car, drugs, draft dodging, using police to
obtain women for him, etc. Never mind lying about Gennifer Flowers,
Paula Jones, and Marilyn Kinney. This administration has given a
whole new meaning to the terms Lincoln Bedroom, Oval Office, and
Chief of Staff.

CC: [desperately] Yes, but, but the economy is doing so well!

SAM: Two words -- "Allan Greenspan". Besides, if this is all so
forgivable and okay, why do I hear that sound whenever news about
Clinton comes on TV?

CC: What sound?

SAM: The sound of hundreds of parents hands clapping over their kids
eyes and ears. Heck, the media can't even report this story without
fidgeting.

CC: [huffy] I am a jaded, cynical reporter. I can handle anything.

SAM: Oh yeah? What's on Monica Lewinsky's dress?

CC: A stain. DNA. A substance.

SAM: See? You can't even say the word! Even legal terms like subpoena and
pro bono are beginning to sound indelicate. And anyway, most of the
media is biased.

CC: Aha! You mean it's a left-wing Democratic coverup! I knew it!

SAM: No, no, no. Not politically biased, generationally biased. Clinton's
one of us, dude! Free love, pot-smoking, draft-dodging, and
saxophone playing. Forever young, man! He might have to jog to get
rid of his middle-aged spread, but hey, isn't kinda cool he's also
into that other kind of jogging? He's one of the Two Plus Two
generation!

CC: Come again?

SAM: The generation that always hopes that just this once, two plus two
will not equal four! We played "truth or dare" as kids, not "truth
and consequences". Just look at our movies.

CC: This isn't another "Free Willy" crack is it?

SAM: No, and I'll even spare you the one about sex and aides. But think
back to the definitive movie of the 1940's: "Casablanca". A man
gives up the love of his life to protect her marriage, the
Resistance, and to carry on the fight for freedom. The definitive
90's movie? "Indecent Proposal". A man pays $1 million to sleep with
another man's wife, and surprise! It busts up their relationship,
causes bitterness, betrayal of trust, cynicism, and pain.

CC: Ouch. That's pretty harsh, isn't it?

SAM: Yep. Kinda like finding out Peter Pan knocked up Wendy. We just
don't want to hear it.

CC: I notice we're back to sex again.

SAM: Hey, you complained about the ratings. Anyway, what did they say at
that convention years ago? "You can't be one kind of man, and
another kind of President".

CC: You sound like a closet Republican.

SAM: Actually, Republicans really don't like to be associated with
closets. Look, I should go.

CC: Ah yes, the Interns. Will you inform the President of your latest
investigations?

SAM: Probably not.

CC: Why?

SAM: He's been debriefed enough already, don't you think?

CC: [Groan!] And I thought it was boxers.

**************************************************************************

It's always difficult to bring sad news, but I thought you should know:

Today, there was a great loss in the entertainment world. The man who
wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died.

What was really horrible was that they had trouble keeping his body in
the casket.

They'd put his left leg in and ... well, you know the rest.

**************************************************************************

"TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX"
----------------------------------------------------------

(10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

(9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

(8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

(7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.

(6) It's OK when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else,
because you are.

(5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.

(4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.

(3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning, in
fact, it's expected!

(2) No guilt the morning after.

(1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD IN ONE NIGHT!!

**************************************************************************

Bob received a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company.
Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realized the seat is in
the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the Goodyear
Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Bob
noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He
decided to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around
the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me,
is anyone sitting here?"

The man said "no".

Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the man
next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a
seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?!"

The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed
to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we
haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"That's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to
take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"

"No", the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."

**************************************************************************

"TEN THINGS THAT TICK ME OFF"
-----------------------------

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know
where my watch is buddy, where is yours? Do I point at my crotch
when I ask where the bathroom is?

2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no penis.

3. People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire
room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and
change the channel manually.

4. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
So what? What good is a cake you can't eat? What, should I eat
someone else's cake instead?

5. When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course
it is. Why the heck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do
people do this? Who and where are they?

6. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No
stupid, I paid $7.50 to come to the theater and stare at the ceiling
up there. What did you come here for?

7. The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't
drink and drive. I don't." Well, I hope you don't drive sober either
Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake!

8. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a
choice, did ya there buddy?

9. When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then
there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then
there must have been something before it.

10. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were
going? Tell him, "You should know, you pulled me over".

**************************************************************************

You know you've been on-line too much when...

1. You carry JPEGs of your loved ones in your wallet.

2. For your honeymoon, you went to www.thecaribbean.com.

3. The only time you leave the house is to buy a new keyboard.

4. You've actually said "laughing out loud" instead of "laughing".

5. The last time you've used snail-mail the post office was using
ponies.

6. The sound of modems connecting gets you in the mood.

7. You e-mail your spouse good night.

8. When asked how you're doing and your auto-responder replies, "Fine,
and you?"

9. Your computer runs faster than your car.

10. Your server went down and you ate your own foot to survive.

11. You don't go to the bathroom, you download.

12. The only time you use your voice is when talking to technical
support.

13. You have a bumper sticker on your modem that says, "Born to Be Baud".

14. Yahoo asks for your help with difficult searches.

15. You run to the store for milk and more megs.

16. Instead of reaching for something, you try to drag your arrow to it.

17. You were asking before it was a FAQ.

18. You're the veteran of several international flame wars.

19. You've been married two years, yet you've never met in person.

20. You don't go to Internet cafes for the coffee.

**************************************************************************

"Rules for Writing"
-------------------

1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's
highly superfluous.
14. One should never generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don't use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words
however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill all exclamation points!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth
shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not
needed.
27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate
quotations. Tell me what you know."
28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist
hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

**************************************************************************

"New Clinton Bumper Stickers"
-----------------------------

Kennedy = Camelot Clinton = Lie-a-lot

Clinton: We forgive you . . . Now Resign!

Al Gore: One heartthrob from the Presidency

Adultery is not a family value

Does character matter YET?

America needs a President -- Not a Predator

Bill Clinton: Commander in Heat

Jail to the Chief

Today kids no longer play doctor, they play President

The Clinton Creed: Take Credit -- Not Responsibility

If his private life doesn't matter, let him date your daughter.

**************************************************************************

Here are some sayings that would make good bumper stickers:

1. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
2. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
3. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
4. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
5 I intend to live forever -- so far, so good
6. I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
7. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her some friends?
8. If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
9. Mental backup in progress -- Do Not Disturb!
10. Mind Like A Steel Trap -- Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
11. Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
12. Robin Hood was a terrorist
13. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it
14. Shake well before and after use
15. Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have
16. The light at the end of the tunnel is a muzzle flash
17. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes
18. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane
19. People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it's

safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs
20. Honk if you have never seen an Uzi fired from a car window

**************************************************************************

"TOP TEN REASONS GOD CREATED EVE"
---------------------------------

10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men
hate to ask for directions.

9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV
remote. (Men don't want to see what is ON television, they want to
see WHAT ELSE is on!)

8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore
out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.

7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for
himself.

6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage
night.

5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be
able to handle childbearing.

4. As "Keeper of the Garden" Adam would never remember where he had put
his tools.

3. The scriptural account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to
blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched
His head, and said, "Surely I can do better than that."

**************************************************************************

Due to Clinton's escapades the Lord added an 11th commandment:

11. Thou shalt not stick thy rod in thy staff.

**************************************************************************

"THE CLINTON JOKES"
-------------------

As Air Force One prepares to land, the captain makes his customary
request over the loudspeaker: "Mr. President, would you please return the
stewardess to the upright position and prepare to land?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What's the difference between Clinton and a screwdriver?
A: A screwdriver turns in screws, Clinton screws interns!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear that Clinton has announced there is a new national bird?
It's the spread eagle.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

A reporter asked Clinton one day. "Was Monica lying?"
Clinton responded by saying. "No, she was on her knees."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill every day at 5 AM?
A: She wants to make sure that she is the first lady.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Spelling Bee...

Dan Quayle, Frank Gifford, and Bill Clinton were in a spelling contest.
Unbelievably, Dan Quayle won! He was the only one of the three who knew
that "harass" was one word.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How many White House Interns does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they are too busy screwing the President.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

When women in Washington DC were asked if they would have sex with the
President, 86% said "Not again!".

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Clinton's team of advisors have offered the following defense: Clinton
NEVER told Lewinsky to lie in disposition! He told her to lie in THIS
position...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?
A: They were both upset when Bill finished first.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex?
A: When Hillary is out of town.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.

**************************************************************************

As Niels Bohr, the Nobel Prize winning Danish physicist, once said:
"There are things so serious you can only joke about them."

This seems to me to be particularly applicable with respect to Clinton's
multitudinous misdeeds.

Goodbye from,
James

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