what's the deal??
rena
just lazily floating gently down. not a huge, vicious unexpected thing,
just......down.
and i was thinking about my "friends".....(absolutely nobody here, ok?
these are RL ppl i'm talking about)....and i'm thinking WTF??? and maybe
it's just a massive pity party, but what's the deal here? i put myself
into these friendships, these relationships, i've opened myself to these
ppl, i've put 5, 10, 12 yrs of my LIFE into keeping these ppl fucking
happy, keeping their secrets, keeping their trust, and giving them mine.
so what happens?
i get sick. it happens, not much i can do about it. i try, and i try,
and i try to help them to understand, to give MORE of myself to them, to
fucking educate them.
(no, dianne, i DO love you, i just *can't* bring myself to call you
right now, the phone scares the shit out of me. Please, don't stop
calling me, please-----but she did.)
after 15 years of being best friends, doing everything together,
pregnancies, illnesses, injuries, sharing our lives......poof! she's
gone. haven't heard from her for over a year.
or how about the ones that i have nurtured, supported, through
absolutely every evil thing conceivable, held while they cried about
past abuses, stood beside through divorces, brought food too when they
had none, paid their fucking bills for them (!),
ahhhhh shit!
they are all gone. don't have the time of day for me. literally look
away when they see me on the street.
ha! one said "well, i thought i would just give you a little time to
get your life back on track!" fuck that noise.
am i rambling? yes. and i don't care. none of you have to read this.
this is the only place i could put this. i've been carrying it around
for 3 yrs now, and i know it's just feeling sorry for myself. there is
nobody else to tell.
i never, EVER entered into a friendship with the idea that i was *owed*
anything by that person. i never "kept score". not ever.
i hate feeling like this.
rena
Nina
>i'm crashing ......slowly spiraling down, like a feather on a breeze,
>just lazily floating gently down. not a huge, vicious unexpected thing,
>just......down.
>
>and i was thinking about my "friends".....(absolutely nobody here, ok?
>these are RL ppl i'm talking about)....and i'm thinking WTF??? and maybe
>it's just a massive pity party, but what's the deal here? i put myself
>into these friendships, these relationships, i've opened myself to these
>ppl, i've put 5, 10, 12 yrs of my LIFE into keeping these ppl fucking
>happy, keeping their secrets, keeping their trust, and giving them mine.
>
>so what happens?
>
>i get sick. it happens, not much i can do about it. i try, and i try,
>and i try to help them to understand, to give MORE of myself to them, to
>fucking educate them.
>(no, dianne, i DO love you, i just *can't* bring myself to call you
>right now, the phone scares the shit out of me. Please, don't stop
>calling me, please-----but she did.)
>after 15 years of being best friends, doing everything together,
>pregnancies, illnesses, injuries, sharing our lives......poof! she's
>gone. haven't heard from her for over a year.
>
>or how about the ones that i have nurtured, supported, through
>absolutely every evil thing conceivable, held while they cried about
>past abuses, stood beside through divorces, brought food too when they
>had none, paid their fucking bills for them (!),
Yup. Been there. Am there. And it sucks.
And some of it I know is my fault... especially for the last couple of
years, it has simply been hard for me to stay in touch with people, to
make phone calls, even to write email.
But a lot of it is not, and I wonder why, when I vanish, no one seems
to care enough to even check in.
Or why my so-called best friend, who I thought would accept and love
me, no matter what, made it clear to me that what I was doing at the
time (another story) was so unacceptable to her that I was not even
allowed to talk about it when I needed to most. And that inability to
talk destroyed the friendship... and then she capped it by keeping my
husband's secrets rather than mine.
>ahhhhh shit!
>
>they are all gone. don't have the time of day for me. literally look
>away when they see me on the street.
>
>ha! one said "well, i thought i would just give you a little time to
>get your life back on track!" fuck that noise.
>
>am i rambling? yes. and i don't care. none of you have to read this.
>this is the only place i could put this. i've been carrying it around
>for 3 yrs now, and i know it's just feeling sorry for myself. there is
>nobody else to tell.
>
>i never, EVER entered into a friendship with the idea that i was *owed*
>anything by that person. i never "kept score". not ever.
No, me neither. Just put heart and soul into friendship and was
burned again and again.
I don't keep score, but it is hard not to have some expectation that
those we care about, that we put ourselves out for, that we console
and empathize with so much that we hurt because they are hurting, that
these people will in turn care about and for us, just a little. That
they will take the time to see and care what is happening with us.
Sometimes I feel like there is no one who cares enough to see me.
>i hate feeling like this.
Yes.
((((((Rena)))))
Nina
TerryMcE
>
>i'm crashing ......slowly spiraling down, like a feather on a breeze,
>just lazily floating gently down. not a huge, vicious unexpected thing,
>just......down.
and the nice thing about breezes is that the wind can shift and the brezze can
tip your feather to float up.
>am i rambling? yes. and i don't care. none of you have to read this.
>this is the only place i could put this.
Well I for one think it's good that you wrote this. I don't think however it is
just feeling sorry for yourself like you stated.
Friendships can be tough, they are like marriages. Funny thing is that my
friends have seen it all, my suicide attempts, severe depression, hypomanic
states (they have me clean their houses) and my full blown manias.
It's been tough on them and it's hard to keep friendships or any kind of
relationships going through things such as this. I eductaed my friends too,
bought them books and sat for hour upon hour trying my best to explain to them
what it is like. I go from not wanting to be with them, feeling inferior to
them to wow, let;s go shopping and you aren't good enough for me..the God.
I lost a lot of friends, drifted away in the night never to be heard of again.
BUT, were they really friends? Sure I may have thought so for years but if they
were true friends, they'd still be here.
I do have 3 friends, my best RL friends who I have had for a long time (1 since
age 13 and the other 2 since 1st grade) that's a long time.
I work hard on those friendships and they do too.
Real friends don't walk away when it gets tough.
Rena, you are one of those real true friends that you want to have forever. You
don't deserve any less.
Mary Beth
rena
you're coming from, in thinking that you would be able to turn to somebody,
only to have them turn *on* you.
(((((((((((((nina)))))))))))
take care
rena
Nina wrote:
> On Wed, 19 Aug 1998 23:26:26 GMT, rena <rena...@yahoo.com> wrote:
>
> >i'm crashing ......slowly spiraling down, like a feather on a breeze,
> >just lazily floating gently down. not a huge, vicious unexpected thing,
> >just......down.
> >
> >am i rambling? yes. and i don't care. none of you have to read this.
rena
TerryMcE wrote:
>
>
>
> Rena, you are one of those real true friends that you want to have forever. You
> don't deserve any less.
> Mary Beth
>
mary beth,
you have no idea how much it means to me to have that said to me, about me.
sometimes, i truly feel like i *am* worthless, that this kind of treatment is *all*
i deserve. thank you.
love
rena
Pansella
>i'm crashing ......slowly spiraling down, like a feather on a breeze,
>just lazily floating gently down. not a huge, vicious unexpected thing,
>just......down.
-Rena, I'm so sorry you're crashingl. You are always so supportive of everyone
else, to your own detriment it seems. Time to take care of you now.
(((((((((Rena)))))))
...
i've been carrying it around
>for 3 yrs now, and i know it's just feeling sorry for myself. there is
>nobody else to tell.
-I'm so glad you got this out, it seems to me that the best way to get over
something is to go through it. Not that that helps you right now, but it will
get better, I promise.
>i never, EVER entered into a friendship with the idea that i was *owed*
>anything by that person. i never "kept score". not ever.
>
>i hate feeling like this.
>
>rena
-You are such an amazing person and you don't deserve any of this treatment
from your "friends". I wish I could help you feel better, perhaps if I tell
you how much I care for you and value you that might help a little? You have
been there many a time with kindness for me and I thank you for that.
Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help you through this.
love,
Dee
e'd & p'd
rena
thanks for your kind words. it sure makes me feel better to know that there are
ppl such as yourself who value me. (as i do you too, btw)
and thanks so much, just recognizing that i hurt is all the help i need.
take care of you
rena