Disfunctional Cooking Contest WAS:How to Eat an Oreo

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Rabbit

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Jan 6, 1999, 3:00:00 AM1/6/99
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> To top off the contest- I got BAD food poisoning from her poultry at Christmas
> time (2weeks ago)q.
>
> OK.... DID I WIN????
>

Maybe, but I'll give you a run for your money.

I was raised by my grandparents. Now, people who eat my cooking (all modesty
aside, I'm very good at it) say, "Oh, you must have learned from your folks!" No,
believe me, I taught MYSELF!

My grandmother hated to cook. My grandfather did the grocery shopping. On
Saturday, he would buy a huge pork tenderloin. That afternoon, Grandma would cut
it into slices and then pound each one with a meat tenderizer (yes, it's pork
TENDERloin) into a cutlet. She'd use the rolling pin to grind saltine crackers
into crumbs, then dip the tenderloin in the egg, cover it in crumbs, and fry a
huge mountain of these cutlets. She'd also make a huge pot of mashed potatoes.

Okay, it's Saturday. We get freshly fried tenderloin and fresh mashed potatoes,
and some unidentifible, overcooked vegetable. (Oh, did I remember to say that
grandparents were originally British?)

Sunday. The cutlets would be put into an aluminum pie pan. Mashed potatoes would
go into an aluminum pie pan, dotted with butter, and then everything reheated.
Monday, same. Wednesday, Thursday, same.

On Fridays, when the cutlets ran out, it was time for a "treat". Depending on
what Pop had bought, it was a choice of (a) finnan haddie, poached in milk (one of
the very few meals that was actually pretty good and I looked forward to it -- and
for those not familiar with it, it's a chunk of smoked cod), (b) pork chops fried
up into leather, or (c) poached steak. Yes, indeed. Grandmother had a phobia (I
guess today it would be a syndrome) about dirt -- she cleaned obsessively. A
company came out with a plastic oven bag that you were supposed to use for
chickens. Grandma used them to cook porterhouse steak. They were gray all the
way through, and like rubber.

Saturday, back to pork tenderloin.

The worse part was that Pop had a thing about shopping -- if he was going to buy
something, he bought the best. He would never have bought chuck if there was a
T-bone available. So he came home with bags and bags of very expensive
ingredients, which Grandma turned into -- well, use your imagination for the word.

My family always complained that I was such a picky eater. Maybe if the food had
been better ...

I must admit, in her defense, it wasn't total doom-and-gloom. She did have a few
high points. At Christmas she made a wonderful carrot pudding, with a sweet white
sauce, and while I still have the pudding recipe I have lost the sauce one, and
I'm sorrowful over that. She made what she called "corn flitters" (corn fritters)
that were quite good. Occasionally dinner was bacon and eggs, and sometimes
pancakes, which she always sprinkled with lemon and sugar and rolled up.

These, of course, do not make up for the tenderloin. I'll be 40 next month, and
it's only in the last five years that I've even been able to look at the stuff in
the supermarket.

Rabbit


Cas...@my-dejanews.com

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Jan 7, 1999, 3:00:00 AM1/7/99
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> dph wrote:
> : She BAKES with the best of them. Cooking is another story. It wasn't
> : until college that I learned that vegetables have flavor.

"cinnamontoast" <_cinnamo...@yahoo.com> wrote:
> Oh, man, did you have to eat the gray carrots too? I am so sorry. I know
> how traumatic it is.
> (who, as a kid, could never figure out why green beans were called "green")

dph said:
Gray carrots, frozen-broccoli boiled for 30 minutes, etc. etc.
I gave my mother a veggie-steamer a few years ago, some day she might use it.

Your sympathy is appreciated, congratulations on surviving a
similar upbringing.

Cassia says:
<bragging>
My momma could lick your momma hands down in a food destroying, nutrient
depleting contest!!
She would cook things at 1-2pm, leave on stove cold, rewarm at 4pm, leave on
stove cold, rewarm at 6pm, leave on stove cold until 10pm to put in fridge.
We are talking MEAT, veggies, (salad with dressing in it sitting on the
table)etc.
Most food would get reheated for days until gone.
Nothing was ever covered in the fridge, just thrown on a plate/ bowl.
Sometimes (once a week) meat would sit overnight unheated in the oven until
morning to go to the fridge.
Even canned goods were reheated about 5 times for a total of about 100 minutes
cooking time.
I took a job a 15 yrs of age, just to get basic food.
(We're talking warm up a can of something and eat the whole thing immediately-
BASIC)
I tried later in life to teach basic food handling (Foods either HOT or COLD,
meat handling, dishwashing) to no avail.


To top off the contest- I got BAD food poisoning from her poultry at Christmas
time (2weeks ago)q.

OK.... DID I WIN????


-----------== Posted via Deja News, The Discussion Network ==----------
http://www.dejanews.com/ Search, Read, Discuss, or Start Your Own

REP

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Jan 7, 1999, 3:00:00 AM1/7/99
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> > To top off the contest- I got BAD food poisoning from her poultry at
Christmas
> > time (2weeks ago)q.
> >
> > OK.... DID I WIN????
> >
>

> Maybe, but I'll give you a run for your money.

I have two entrants. The first is my grandmother, who has made me forever
shudder at signs advertising food "just like grandma's." My grandmother
never met a cut of meat that didn't need a heavy coating of sugar. Didn't
matter what it was - brisket, bacon, hamhocks - she's sugar it up and then
cook it until it was no longer recognizable as meat. She made macaroni and
cheese without draining the water the noodles were boiled in; more like a
revolting mac-and-cheese gruel. She put all manner of things into jello
that often resulted in the jello melting in some spectacular ways. She did
make two things that were delicious: fried trout and regrigerator cookies.
They weren't good in comparison to her other offerings; they were just
good.

The other entrant is my Loved One. I thought the phrase "could burn water"
was just an expression until I came home one day to find a pot smoking on
the stove; he'd been trying to make macaroni and cheese (his #1 favorite
food) and had boiled the pot dry. After making him cocoa from scratch one
day, he asked me to write down the recipe, which I did. He later called me
to tell me that he didn't know how long he was supposed to boil it and
would it eventually stop being so thick. He once made me a chicken and rice
dinner that made us both sick. I thought all this horrid cooking was a ploy
to get me to do the cooking, but before I was able to move out here, he
called me to tell me that he was trying to make macaroni and cheese in his
coffeemaker (he hadn't gotten around to buying any pots yet). I've been
with him for over six years, and am still unaware of anything he cooks that
is something I would want to eat.


Rose M Delckum

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Jan 7, 1999, 3:00:00 AM1/7/99
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Excerpts from netnews.alt.support.childfree: 7-Jan-99 Re: Disfunctional
Cooking C.. by jea...@that.alt.net.plac
>
> My favorite cooking lesson: do not put waxed paper in the oven. I
> actually thought about it for quite awhile before I did it and decided
> that it just might work. It doesn't. :^)
>
>

Here's one lesson that Cory learned:

Do not microwave a frozen loaf of bread for 10 minutes on High.
If you try, make sure you take off the bread twist thing, since
it's wire. And take it out of the bag.
If you put a loaf frozen bread in the microwave with the twisty
thing on it and set it on High for 10 minutes, it *will* catch
on fire, leave an awful smell, leave scorch marks, and make
your dad very mad. It will also give your friends and future
spouse something to rib you about for the rest of your life :-)

> jeanie


Roo


--
Rose M. Delckum rm...@cmu.edu
Computing Facilities Administrator
School of Architecture rdel...@andrew.cmu.edu
Carnegie Mellon University
"Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the
first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete
strangers to kill again."
- TV listing for the Wizard of Oz in the Marin, CA Paper


Kent Parks

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Jan 7, 1999, 3:00:00 AM1/7/99
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Rose M Delckum <rdel...@andrew.cmu.edu> wrote:

: If you put a loaf frozen bread in the microwave with the twisty


: thing on it and set it on High for 10 minutes, it *will* catch
: on fire, leave an awful smell, leave scorch marks, and make
: your dad very mad. It will also give your friends and future
: spouse something to rib you about for the rest of your life :-)

Trying to roast peanuts, in OIL, in a wooden bowl, is not recommended
either. So I've heard...

(Hey, I was 15 at the time, and microwaves were brand new!)


Kent

nails

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Jan 7, 1999, 3:00:00 AM1/7/99
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REP wrote in message ...

>The other entrant is my Loved One. I thought the phrase "could burn water"
>was just an expression until I came home one day to find a pot smoking on

>the stove... <snip>

When I met DH he was almost 40 and didn't know that an oven has two
settings: bake and broil. It turned out that although he had lived in his
apartment for 6 years he had never even turned the oven ON. Now, I must say
(lowering eyes modestly), he has turned into a fairly competent cook,
although there is some amount of backsliding. On my birthday last year he
presented me with a chocolate-frosted, decorated b-day cake. When I cut into
it it turned out that the "cake" was actually cornbread (made from one of
the Jiffy mixes). Ugh.

--jkd


Rabbit

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Jan 7, 1999, 3:00:00 AM1/7/99
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>
>
> The other entrant is my Loved One. I thought the phrase "could burn water"
> was just an expression until I came home one day

Are you living with my husband? The only thing edible my husband makes is
reservations ...

Rabbit


Rabbit

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Jan 7, 1999, 3:00:00 AM1/7/99
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> Trying to roast peanuts, in OIL, in a wooden bowl, is not recommended
> either. So I've heard...
>
> (Hey, I was 15 at the time, and microwaves were brand new!)
>
> Kent


Okay, so I was around 8 or 9, but believe me, putting a glass of milk on
the stove to warm it up doesn't work all that great either.

Rabbit


REP

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Jan 7, 1999, 3:00:00 AM1/7/99
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Perhaps his long-lost brother?


cinnamontoast

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Jan 8, 1999, 3:00:00 AM1/8/99
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Rabbit wrote:
Are you living with my husband? The only thing edible my husband makes is
: reservations ...


cinnamontoast bragging;

My DH makes a Shrimp Scampi that is to DIE FOR. He is a good cook when
left to his own devices. He can bake very well also!


His mother on the other hand...

When TJ was about thirteen she made her patented tray o' french fries to go
with the tray o' fish sticks (ah, the 60's). Problem was, she grabbed the
bottle of Lestoil which was next to the bottle of cooking oil and poured it
over the fries. All present during the cooking of said fries noticed before
dining commenced.

I don't know what's worse - Keeping the cooking oil next to the Lestoil, or
pouring oil over frozen french fries and putting them under the broiler.

cinnamontoast

Elizabeth Shack

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Jan 8, 1999, 3:00:00 AM1/8/99
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cinnamontoast <_cinnamo...@yahoo.com> wrote:

>I don't know what's worse - Keeping the cooking oil next to the Lestoil, or
>pouring oil over frozen french fries and putting them under the broiler.

What's Lestoil?

--
Elizabeth Shack
sh...@fas.harvard.edu
G2, Physics

cinnamontoast

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Jan 8, 1999, 3:00:00 AM1/8/99
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Elizabeth Shack wrote:
: What's Lestoil?

It is a cleaning fluid. It's sorta like Pine-Sol. It's ammonia, but
thick.


Elizabeth Shack

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Jan 8, 1999, 3:00:00 AM1/8/99
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cinnamontoast <_cinnamo...@yahoo.com> wrote:

>It is a cleaning fluid. It's sorta like Pine-Sol. It's ammonia, but
>thick.

Ewwwwww. And no one said anything when it went on the french fries?

Renee

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Jan 8, 1999, 3:00:00 AM1/8/99
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>cinnamontoast <_cinnamo...@yahoo.com> wrote:
>
>>I don't know what's worse - Keeping the cooking oil next to the Lestoil, or
>>pouring oil over frozen french fries and putting them under the broiler.

My MIL oils *everything*. Green beans (cook, drain, pour oil over
them). Potatoes (cook, drain, pour salt and oil over them). Even
friggin chicken (put skin-on chicken in roasting pan. Pour oil over
it. Roast. Be careful of the huge puddle of grease that forms during
cooking.). I can't think of a single thing she makes that doesn't
involve a large puddle of oil.


Renee
Warning: Keep out of reach of children. They're really, really annoying.

cinnamontoast

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Jan 8, 1999, 3:00:00 AM1/8/99
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Elizabeth Shack wrote:
: Ewwwwww. And no one said anything when it went on the french fries?

That's the whole point. No. Not until they were cooking in the oven and
the stench became overpowering. My MIL was such a bad cook that:
1. She didn't notice.
and
2. Nobody else did either.

Her cooking always smelled foul.

She is still a horrible cook, BTW. She can make Chili bland and tasteless.
It never ceases to amaze me.

cinnamontoast
(who is baking cinnamon muffins right now!)

cinnamontoast

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Jan 8, 1999, 3:00:00 AM1/8/99
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Renee wrote:
<A very funny account of how her mother put oil on everything.>

Someday, when people talk about my cooking (this will not be my kids,
obviously...) they will say, "Damn, she put hot sauce on EVERYTHING."

cinnamontoast
(who will NOT be putting hot sauce on her cinnamon muffins, but WILL be
tossing some in her turkey and gravy over shortcakes tonight)

Rabbit

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Jan 8, 1999, 3:00:00 AM1/8/99
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>
>
> cinnamontoast
> (who will NOT be putting hot sauce on her cinnamon muffins, but WILL be
> tossing some in her turkey and gravy over shortcakes tonight)
>

My husband puts it on pineapple.

Rabbit


Rabbit

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Jan 8, 1999, 3:00:00 AM1/8/99
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cinnamontoast wrote:

> It's GOOD on pineapple! I love pineapple and sausage pizzas with jalepeno
> sauce dotted all over it. It is great!
>

Okay, but ... he just opens a can of pineapple, puts it in a bowl, and dowses
it with hot sauce.

Rabbit


cinnamontoast

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Jan 9, 1999, 3:00:00 AM1/9/99
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It's GOOD on pineapple! I love pineapple and sausage pizzas with jalepeno
sauce dotted all over it. It is great!

Rabbit <rab...@hotstar.net> wrote in article
<36967ED6...@hotstar.net>...
: >
: >
: > cinnamontoast

:
:

Gutterboy1

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Jan 9, 1999, 3:00:00 AM1/9/99
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Wrote Jeri Jo:

>When my mother cooked canned green beans she's pour a dollop of
>cooking oil into it =as they cooked=, along with dehydrated
>onions. Not quite the same as fresh green beans with ham hocks,
>but palatable.

Canned green beans--urk--but fresh green beans with ham hocks (doused with hot
sauce, natch)...ooh, baby. Smothered pork chops with greens...peanut-butter
pie...oh, Lord, I'm having a foodgasm...

Gutterboy
(getting ready to heat up blackened catfish with succotash and cheese
tortellini...but really in the mood for pad thai and pork prik king...(

c809

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Jan 9, 1999, 3:00:00 AM1/9/99
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Rabbit wrote:
: Okay, but ... he just opens a can of pineapple, puts it in a bowl, and


dowses
: it with hot sauce.


You can tell him that I said he obviously has excellent taste in food. I
like that also.

I draw short of hot sauce on ice cream.

:)
cinnamontoast

Rabbit

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Jan 9, 1999, 3:00:00 AM1/9/99
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>
>
> ..peanut-butter
> pie...oh, Lord, I'm having a foodgasm...
>
> Gutterboy

I haven't made a peanut butter pie in ages. Now I want one ...

Rabbit
(Gutterboy, we could make beautiful music -- er, meals together ...)


Miche and Dave

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Jan 10, 1999, 3:00:00 AM1/10/99
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> >
> >
> > ..peanut-butter
> > pie...oh, Lord, I'm having a foodgasm...
> >
> > Gutterboy
>
> I haven't made a peanut butter pie in ages. Now I want one ...

Anybody want a recipe for peanut butter ice-cream pie? No, I'm not joking...

Miche

--
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The address in my From: line is a spam trap.
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