Semi-OT: Dear Abby and "enlightened selfishness"

[Lenona]

I'd never heard that term, but a Google search suggests it goes back to the 1800s.

Anyway:

https://www.uexpress.com/life/dearabby/2023/01/31

Dysfunctional Family Labels Stable Brother 'Selfish'
by Abigail Van Buren

JANUARY 31ST, 2023

DEAR ABBY: My two siblings and I were raised by an abusive, alcoholic father. Predictably, it has adversely affected our mental health adversely. One sibling struggles with alcoholism and substance abuse. The other has a personality disorder and cannot maintain stable relationships. I cope with comparatively fewer severe issues, but I still must work hard to sustain a marriage and my career and raise healthy children. It isn't easy.

My siblings' issues have disrupted my emotional health and family life, which is why I keep them at a distance. Lately, they have expressed feeling abandoned. Other family members call me selfish and say I'm obligated to help them because I'm "the successful one." I do feel some guilt for not helping more, as we all survived the same toxic childhood. Yet, my emotional bandwidth is limited. Frankly, people with alcoholism and personality disorders are hard to be around, even if they are family. Is it selfish to prioritize my well-being by maintaining distance from my siblings?
-- THEIR BROTHER

DEAR BROTHER: Your first priority must be your emotional health. Next should be the well-being of your spouse and children and the career that enables you to provide for them. If maintaining some distance from these siblings is selfish, then call it "enlightened" selfishness. Help them to the extent you can, but do not allow yourself to be emotionally arm-twisted by other relatives who remain on the sidelines.
________________________________________________________

As one person pointed out, if you're not a professional in that area, you really can't help patients who refuse to help themselves. (Even a doctor can't do that, I suspect.) I was thinking that because of that, it's not fair to call his hesitancy "selfishness," even the "enlightened" kind. I mean, it sounds like an oxymoron anyway. There is nothing selfish about refusing to be exploited by lazy people. What's selfish is refusing to help the truly helpless when it wouldn't hurt you at all - or when you behave in a way that is directly hurtful to others. The LW wasn't doing either one.

So what is on-topic about this? The fact that CF people often get unfairly called "selfish" by strangers. As if CF people were somehow...neglectful parents! I wouldn't want my CF decision to be called "enlightened sefishness" - it would still sound like an insult.

Hardly anyone accuses a non-pet owner of being selfish, no matter how many adorable homeless animals there are, so what's the difference? As a vet once said: "Anyone in this have-it-all society who doesn't already have a pet, SHOULDN'T have a pet."