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From "Ask Amy" (wedding excludes kids under 15)
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Lenona
Nov 8, 2023, 11:46:12 AM11/8/23
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https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2023/11/08/ask-amy-wedding-no-kids-disappointed/
Dear Amy: My husband’s niece is getting married. I’m so happy for her. There has been much talk about the wedding. We’ve already received the save-the-date.
Several wedding-related conversations have been held in front of my 12-year-old daughter. In front of the family, I told my daughter that we could get her a beautiful dress to wear to the wedding. We then bought a dress. Then the wedding invitation arrived in the mail: NO CHILDREN ALLOWED!
I was completely devastated — to say the least. Then, I found out that there are children attending the wedding, but they have to be over the age of 15. My daughter was really upset when I told her that she wasn’t invited to the wedding.
I feel as if the family should have taken me aside in advance to let me know my daughter was going to be excluded. I declined going to the wedding because of my daughter’s disappointment. My husband plans to attend the wedding without me. He said he is going because his mother would be upset if he stayed home.
I am angry, hurt and upset that he has chosen his family over his daughter. My question is: Am I wrong for feeling this way?
— Angry and Hurt
Angry: I won’t say that your feelings are “wrong,” so much as overabundant.
So. Much. Devastation. Get a grip!
Let’s put your feelings aside and focus on your behavior, as well as the lessons you are passing along to your daughter. Essentially, you are teaching her that disappointment is actually devastation, and that the way to cope with devastation is to insist that everyone around you demonstrate their solidarity by also being devastated. Then everybody stays home, sulking.
Yes, the bride could have handled this differently. But the good news to pass along to your daughter is that she won’t always be 12. She will age out of these social exclusions and become mature enough to handle her disappointments with a sense of balance. And now … will you?
______________________________________________________
The commentators at the WaPo often disagree with Amy, but this time they think she hit the nail on the head.
Some of them:
"The LW’s husband has every right to attend for the sake of his family. The mama here wants to make this about HER and is using her daughter as her excuse for the drama. Bet this happens about other things and not just weddings."
"If she had been calm about this, her daughter would probably have let it go completely long ago."
"Daughter is probably more upset about her mother's behavior by this time."
"Not to mention choosing to break relations with her cousins for your daughter and teaching her that only her feelings and interests should matter.
Also, given daughter's age there's a strong chance that she's mortified by her mother's antics. Sure, she was really upset to hear she wasn't invited after LW gave it such a buildup about it being all about her, but but does she really want to be the cause of a family feud?"
"Also, thinking back to when I was that age and attending weddings -- I hated it. It sounded like fun until I realized I'd be stuck with a bunch of "old people" (meaning 25+) and have to be on best behavior. I'd much rather have been home watching movies."
"I think that "feelings just are" is a pretty good way to get people to stop perseverating over feelings and blaming themselves for not having perfect internal reactions.
It isn't universally applicable, though. A husband who feels angry and betrayed that his wife spoke to a man at the grocery store has wrong feelings. A kid who hates her parents because they won't buy her a third car after she wrecked two has wrong feelings. You don't have to beat yourself up for feeling them, but you do need to figure out why your emotions aren't lining up with reality and work on having better internal responses, if only for your own physical health."
"CBT: feelings are - but the thoughts, aka self-talk, that trigger those feelings are behaviors that can be identified, analyzed, and changed if they are unrealistic and / or unhelpful."
"On the word 'devastated': "To quote the Princess Bride, 'you keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.'
A kid missing a wedding, where there are no other kids, isn't something to be 'devastated' about, it's an opportunity to get a sitter and have an adult evening."
Dear Amy: My husband’s niece is getting married. I’m so happy for her. There has been much talk about the wedding. We’ve already received the save-the-date.
Several wedding-related conversations have been held in front of my 12-year-old daughter. In front of the family, I told my daughter that we could get her a beautiful dress to wear to the wedding. We then bought a dress. Then the wedding invitation arrived in the mail: NO CHILDREN ALLOWED!
I was completely devastated — to say the least. Then, I found out that there are children attending the wedding, but they have to be over the age of 15. My daughter was really upset when I told her that she wasn’t invited to the wedding.
I feel as if the family should have taken me aside in advance to let me know my daughter was going to be excluded. I declined going to the wedding because of my daughter’s disappointment. My husband plans to attend the wedding without me. He said he is going because his mother would be upset if he stayed home.
I am angry, hurt and upset that he has chosen his family over his daughter. My question is: Am I wrong for feeling this way?
— Angry and Hurt
Angry: I won’t say that your feelings are “wrong,” so much as overabundant.
So. Much. Devastation. Get a grip!
Let’s put your feelings aside and focus on your behavior, as well as the lessons you are passing along to your daughter. Essentially, you are teaching her that disappointment is actually devastation, and that the way to cope with devastation is to insist that everyone around you demonstrate their solidarity by also being devastated. Then everybody stays home, sulking.
Yes, the bride could have handled this differently. But the good news to pass along to your daughter is that she won’t always be 12. She will age out of these social exclusions and become mature enough to handle her disappointments with a sense of balance. And now … will you?
______________________________________________________
The commentators at the WaPo often disagree with Amy, but this time they think she hit the nail on the head.
Some of them:
"The LW’s husband has every right to attend for the sake of his family. The mama here wants to make this about HER and is using her daughter as her excuse for the drama. Bet this happens about other things and not just weddings."
"If she had been calm about this, her daughter would probably have let it go completely long ago."
"Daughter is probably more upset about her mother's behavior by this time."
"Not to mention choosing to break relations with her cousins for your daughter and teaching her that only her feelings and interests should matter.
Also, given daughter's age there's a strong chance that she's mortified by her mother's antics. Sure, she was really upset to hear she wasn't invited after LW gave it such a buildup about it being all about her, but but does she really want to be the cause of a family feud?"
"Also, thinking back to when I was that age and attending weddings -- I hated it. It sounded like fun until I realized I'd be stuck with a bunch of "old people" (meaning 25+) and have to be on best behavior. I'd much rather have been home watching movies."
"I think that "feelings just are" is a pretty good way to get people to stop perseverating over feelings and blaming themselves for not having perfect internal reactions.
It isn't universally applicable, though. A husband who feels angry and betrayed that his wife spoke to a man at the grocery store has wrong feelings. A kid who hates her parents because they won't buy her a third car after she wrecked two has wrong feelings. You don't have to beat yourself up for feeling them, but you do need to figure out why your emotions aren't lining up with reality and work on having better internal responses, if only for your own physical health."
"CBT: feelings are - but the thoughts, aka self-talk, that trigger those feelings are behaviors that can be identified, analyzed, and changed if they are unrealistic and / or unhelpful."
"On the word 'devastated': "To quote the Princess Bride, 'you keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.'
A kid missing a wedding, where there are no other kids, isn't something to be 'devastated' about, it's an opportunity to get a sitter and have an adult evening."
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