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Lenona

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May 23, 2022, 9:14:52 AMMay 23
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(I'm not about to register there; I waste too much time reading it as it is.)

I realize hardly anyone stops HERE anymore, but I'm not about to join Facebook either.

It seems as though every other day, women at Reddit complain that when they date online, trying to find a childfree man, they get contacted by a slew of men who have kids and lie about it. That is, the men call themselves "childfree" just because they don't have custody - or their children are grown. Or the men just want short-term relationships, so they think lying is no big deal. Or...they really want to get married again, but they're desperate to avoid any woman who already HAS kids. (That, unfortunately, makes sense - stepfamilies are highly vulnerable to divorce already, even when only one spouse has kids.)

Anyway, to my knowledge, no one has made the obvious suggestion. One the one hand, it's true that people under 25 just might change their minds, in one direction or the other. But, if you want a long-term relationship with someone who doesn't HAVE kids already, the thing to do is to start looking in your early 20s and firmly avoid anyone much older. (In the same vein, the older people are, the more likely they are to have an incurable STI.)

Of course, you shouldn't expect the relationship to last if you start looking TOO early - as in, age 18. But while it's often reasonable, economically speaking, not to marry until age 30, it seems to me a big mistake to postpone serious dating until then. You have to make up your mind EARLY about what you want out of life. It's like learning to play an instrument - the best performers all start very young.

Lenona

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Sep 8, 2022, 9:34:38 PMSep 8
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Well, it looks as though at least some people are learning.

https://www.reddit.com/r/childfree/comments/x93idk/dating_while_being_30_and_childfree_is_less_than/

u/Raggaegimli
"Dating as a 30 year old sucks enough but being childfree makes it so much harder. What really gets me is when I put that I'm childfree in all my dating app bios and still get matched with moms and dads.

"I get it, everyone wants to feel loved and wanted. But as an introvert to begin with, getting into a discussion and flirting takes a lot of effort for me. I can't help but be a little salty inside when someone I'm talking to and kinda like drops they have kids into the conversation.

"If you genuinely missed it in my bio for whatever reason, fine. Mistakes happen but if you're purposely wasting my time you can fuck right off. I don't have the emotional or psychological energy to entertain you. And no I'm not going to change my mind and you aren't going to trap me. I got sterilized for a reason."

Halloweenie85
"Yep. It honestly gets worse when you get older. I haven’t been in a long-term relationship since I was 21. I’m 36, almost 37 now. It all came down to not wanting to have kids. In my 20’s, guys were looking for a wife to have kids with. PASS. And now in my 30’s it’s all single dads looking for someone to either raise their current kids with, or have some more kids. HARD PASS. I’m convinced that in order to find a great CF partner at this stage in life, you would have had to met them in their 20’s. The older you get, the less likely that is to happen. I just got comfortable being alone and only relying on myself to take care of me and my life responsibilities. It honestly got a lot easier once I just got comfortable being alone. Now, I really don’t care if I find someone or not. I’m not actively looking and my life is still very full. At this point it would be hard to make a partner fit into my life and lifestyle, so they would have to be freaking AMAZING for me to want to do that. Hogging my queen-sized bed is not something I’m sure I could give up, honestly."


(There are other, similar comments. Some are optimistic.)

Lenona

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Sep 9, 2022, 3:42:46 PMSep 9
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And here's another, different gem of wisdom.

"Why can’t people accept we are genuinely happy childless ?"

https://www.reddit.com/r/childfree/comments/x9yc72/why_cant_people_accept_we_are_genuinely_happy/

Comment:

synchrohighway
3 hr. ago
"Because most people just mindlessly follow the life script and then when they realize there's no special reward for it and it's just like any other choice you make in life, they feel tricked and angry."


And that observation, remarkably, fits another life "choice" people expect to be rewarded for - abstaining from sex until marriage or death, whichever comes first.

Of course, abstinence teachers don't phrase it that way. No one would take them seriously if they did! So the teachers have to make it sound as if God will reward you, long before age 25, without your having to go on one miserable date after another with people who are either very immature or very boring - i.e., not anyone you'd want to marry. (After all, young people tend to think "I already paid my dues for 10 or so miserable years - why do I have to do even MORE painful work, with no end in sight?")

Abstinence is quite a bit like flossing your teeth, losing weight, or washing your hands constantly. It's boring, it's tedious, it doesn't really help you build your social skills, and you have to remember to do it over and over. So when you realize that 1) abstinence is about prevention, not about benefits, and 2) you're still as unpopular at age 20, 30, or 40 as you were in your teens, you're going to feel bitter, lonely and cheated.

(Not that herpes a broken heart or an unwanted baby would feel much better; but teachers still shouldn't lie to teens.)

Also:

officegeek
2 hr. ago
"No one wants to be a sucker alone. See religion."

Lenona

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Nov 10, 2022, 9:22:22 AMNov 10
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> It seems as though every other day, women at Reddit complain that when they date online, trying to find a childfree man, they get contacted by a slew of men who have kids and lie about it. That is, the men call themselves "childfree" just because they don't have custody - or their children are grown. Or the men just want short-term relationships, so they think lying is no big deal. Or...they really want to get married again, but they're desperate to avoid any woman who already HAS kids. (That, unfortunately, makes sense - stepfamilies are highly vulnerable to divorce already, even when only one spouse has kids.)
>
> Anyway, to my knowledge, no one has made the obvious suggestion. One the one hand, it's true that people under 25 just might change their minds, in one direction or the other. But, if you want a long-term relationship with someone who doesn't HAVE kids already, the thing to do is to start looking in your early 20s and firmly avoid anyone much older. (In the same vein, the older people are, the more likely they are to have an incurable STI.)


And here's an extra suggestion. While it should be OK to say "don't contact me if you have children, and I will block you if you lie to me directly or indirectly," it just might be a good idea NOT to reveal that you are CF - or even CL. That way, at least, you won't attract as much attention from desperate single parents who refuse to date each other.

Then the subtle questioning begins. The main question you should ask is "what do you see yourself doing in 10-20 years" without mentioning children. You're more likely to get an honest answer that way. (But even then, they might SAY they plan to have kids - but only because they think that's what you want to hear. So don't jump to conclusions.)
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