Wedding dress blues
Ross Presser
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.... How appropriate
those words are. The best part is I'm in love with a very wonderful
man & we're getting married. Absolutely incredible & amazing. I
thought the day would never come that I'd find a man so wonderful. The
worst part is my weight.
I'm 5'6" and a size 28. I'd been feeling better about myself since Ross
introduced me to this newsgroup. I've been reading for a while now but
too shy to introduce myself. Ross thought it might be helpful for me to
"talk" here.
The problem is my co-workers, 2 of whom are in my wedding. They are both
heavy but not as large as me. The one girl I asked to be in my wedding
immediately announced that she was going on a strict diet & was going to
drop 30 lbs before being fitted for a dress. The other said that before
her wedding she starved herself into a size 16 dress so she would look
pretty. I said I WAS going to look pretty. She looked at me like I had
just grown a second head.
I was already extremely anxious about looking for a dress anyway but
after that I was nauseous. I guess looking pretty & being fat are
mutually exclusive. The majority of what I've been hearing is how I
can't wear this or that because I'll look like a blimp. I also have a
problem with my hair thinning in front & I've been told everything from
wearing bangs to getting a weave will be needed to make me look
presentable.
It's been a very emotional time for me anyway because I miss my mother
(she died when I was 15). The bottom line of all this blubbering is
that I never thought I would be getting married. Now what is supposed to
be an incredibly joyous time for me is turning out to be frought with
worry, anxiety, self loathing & tears.
Looking in the bride magazines I'm half tempted to mail order all those
quick weight loss products that guarantee results for that "all
important day!"
My fiancee has been very supportive of me. He tells me I'm beautiful &
will love me forever. I guess that should be enough for me but I'm
still a mess. I guess what I need is support from people who've been
there. Does it get any better? Anyway, thanks for listening.
----
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Marcia
>[This message is from Tracey, I'm Ross's fiancee.]
>It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.... How appropriate
>those words are. The best part is I'm in love with a very wonderful
>man & we're getting married. Absolutely incredible & amazing. I
>thought the day would never come that I'd find a man so wonderful. The
>worst part is my weight.
Congratulations on your engagement!
>pretty. I said I WAS going to look pretty. She looked at me like I had
>just grown a second head.
At the risk of sounding catty, this doesn't sound like a very supportive
person to have in your wedding. Of course you're going to be pretty - and
you're going to have a lovely gown that enhances that, too!
>The majority of what I've been hearing is how I
>can't wear this or that because I'll look like a blimp. I also have a
>problem with my hair thinning in front & I've been told everything from
>wearing bangs to getting a weave will be needed to make me look
>presentable.
Oh, bloody hell. These people do NOT know what they're talking about.
I just spent the day looking at wedding dresses with my (incredibly supportive)
matron of honor. There is a *large* selection out there (pun somewhat intended)
of gowns, of many different shapes and sizes. And surprisingly for me, a
great many of them come in large sizes. I thought I wasn't going to have much
choice, other than something I hated or having something custom made. It's
very likely you're going to find something that you really like.
Another pleasant surprise was that a number of stores had some large size
sample gowns so I could get a look at what I looked like in various styles.
This made quite a difference - I actually started to picture what I was
going to look like in a wedding dress. And the help in the stores didn't seem
to treat me any different than any other customer because of my size - they
either treated everyone very well, or very poorly.
As for your hair: do *you* want to do anything about it? That's the important
question. Not what some "they* think you should. There are so many different
headpieces that you might find something you like without doing anything at
all.
>My fiancee has been very supportive of me. He tells me I'm beautiful &
>will love me forever. I guess that should be enough for me but I'm
>still a mess. I guess what I need is support from people who've been
>there. Does it get any better? Anyway, thanks for listening.
I don't know if it gets better, since I'm sort of in the wedding planning
morass myself right now. You don't need people adding to the stress! There are
a lot of misconceptions about large folk out there, and you're running head
first into a number of them.
--
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marcia Bednarcyk. ADDRESSES: mar...@netcom.com
Don't tell me not to burn my candle at both ends - m...@cisco.com
just tell me where to get more wax!
Nyani-Iisha Martin
I haven't been there, but i can give you a little preparing-for-huge-day
advice.
Don't listen to those people who try to make you feel that "being fat &
being pretty are mutually exclusive." Your soon-to-be-husband thinks you
are beautiful, and that's all that matters.
That said:
Ask him what he wants you to look like. Even if he doesn't realize it, he
has an image of what you will look like on your wedding day, and a
deviation from that might disappoint him. Put that image together with
whatever image you have, and build on those, not someone else's
recommendations for this-or-that.
Find someone you trust who knows about weddings to help you; instead of the
assorted advice of friends and acquaintances, find one person you trust
greatly and listen to him/her and your husband-to-be ONLY. (Or, mainly.)
You can't follow everyone's suggestions, and you shouldn't do something
as major as a wedding without help. I wish I knew you personally; my mom
would be perfect to help you. :)
I'm really happy for you that you're getting married! Good luck, and I
hope my early-morning musings help.
Best Wishes,
Ny Martin
wyl...@csos.orst.edu
Ross Presser <ross.p...@pics.com> wrote:
>
>The problem is my co-workers, 2 of whom are in my wedding. They are both
>will be needed to make me look
>presentable.
>Now what is supposed to
>be an incredibly joyous time for me is turning out to be frought with
>worry, anxiety, self loathing & tears.
>My fiancee has been very supportive of me. He tells me I'm beautiful &
>will love me forever. I guess that should be enough for me but I'm
>still a mess. I guess what I need is support from people who've been
>there. Does it get any better? Anyway, thanks for listening.
Sometimes our instincts tell us to reach out for support, validation,
and we invite people to share in our joy. However, sometimes in growing
up the man pages about how to discern a safe, supportive friend from one
who is not skilled in supporting us, have been left out. As a result,
we find ourselves in a very painful and confusing situation. While on
the one hand it seems the "right" thing to do to ask the people around
us to actively support us, often the reality is that they don't always
know how to do that, and we end up getting hurt.
It sounds to me like asking people to be in your wedding, asking them
to be excited wtih you and help you find your dress, etc., is the right
thing to do. It also sounds like maybe the people you've been asking
aren't prepared to be what you've asked them to be, and their behavior
toward you has been insensitive and cruel. Maybe they don't mean it...
maybe they just haven't been educated in this regard, but nonetheless
they have behaved in a cruel fashion toward you.
It is very sad and disillusioning that this is happening at a time that
is so special for you. It may be that there are other friends that are
anxious to support you in the way that you want to be supported, but that
it has not occurred to you so far to look to them, or ask them for
support. It also sounds like your spouse-to-be accepts and loves you
unconditionally, and he may be able to help you find other people to
look to for the support you want and deserve right now.
wyldwmn
Robert Sponaugle
-> It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.... How
-> appropriate those words are. The best part is I'm in love with a
-> very wonderful man & we're getting married. Absolutely incredible &
-> amazing. I thought the day would never come that I'd find a man so
-> wonderful. The worst part is my weight.
Congratulations. First of all, I have a low opinion of fancey
weddings. I guess it was when one woman at work became en gaged, and
never mentioned her fiance, she talked for hours at a time about the
wedding. I've seen so many people go through such problems, worrying
about everyone's weight, dresses, who likes whom, etc.
Anyway, there are large size wedding dress designers. They were featured
several years ago at a NAAFA event in the Pocono Mountains.
Unfortunately, the chapter is no longer there. I think the designers may
be from New York or North Jersey.
As for dealing with the people in the wedding, it's not easy. The
easy thing would be to throw them out of the wedding party for being
insensitive. However, everyone will think you are jealous. The truth of
the matter is, is that they are injuring their health, and will gain
back all of the lost weight and more after the wedding.
When I got married, my wife had peoblems finding a nice dress. She
finally found something that would do at Marriane Plus. It was fine for
a small wedding, but if you are having a bed wedding, you'll need to
have something made.
Anyway--my advice is first of all concentrate on the purpose of the
wedding--to get married, and no matter what happens, you'll have a
wonderful husband at the end. Secondly, I wouldn't put up with any crap
from anybody. If the people in the wedding want to starve themselves,
they are the ones who will have a problem fitting in their dresses,
because their weight will fluctuate. If they don't lose enough, lose too
much, etc. they will have problems. I also wouldn't put up with any
comments from anyone commenting on what you wear. Wear what you want. If
it makes you look fat, and you know you ARE fat, who cares? Remember a
wedding is supposed to be a fun thing. Bob
Robert Sponaugle
Bob.
wyl...@csos.orst.edu
Robert Sponaugle <robert.s...@pics.com> wrote:
>In reference to my noter about weddings, that is BIG wedding. Sorry.
I was wondering about that. I couldn't figure out if you were talking
about a 'sleep disorder' or an orgy....;-)
wyldwmn
Rosemary Webb
Welcome, Tracey, and congratualtions to you and Ross!
In article <821.41...@pics.com> ross.p...@pics.com (Ross Presser) writes:
>[This message is from Tracey, I'm Ross's fiancee.]
>
<snip>>
>
>The problem is my co-workers, 2 of whom are in my wedding. They are both
>heavy but not as large as me. The one girl I asked to be in my wedding
>immediately announced that she was going on a strict diet & was going to
>drop 30 lbs before being fitted for a dress. The other said that before
>her wedding she starved herself into a size 16 dress so she would look
>pretty. I said I WAS going to look pretty. She looked at me like I had
>just grown a second head.
Perhaps you could task seriously to the dieter, and say that you don't want
her to risk ruining her health for your celebration. Remind her that most
dieting (but especially crash dieting) typically has a rebound effect in
which the dieter regains more than s/he lost. You might also remind these
two that you attracted your spouse-to-be with your body exactly the way it
is; and you don't want to mess with success. ;)
<lots of falderal and fiddle-de-de deleted>
Tracey, if you're happy with your looks and your honey is happy with your
looks, tell everyone else to _go away_. Remember that some folks
(particularly shop owners and consultants paid for their advice) have a
vested financial interest in persuading you to buy their services - whether
it's a hair weave, a custom bridal dress, or special food. Be sure to
consider the source when you hear "advice" - much of it, though offered in
a friendly tone, should be considered a sales pitch for snake oil. IME,
folks who have bought snake oil in the past also have a lot of emotional
(and sometimes a lot of financial) stock already sunk into snake oil - and
so, to reassure themselves, they tend to try to convert others to also
buying the snake oil. (The co-worker who stared at you so unbelievingly
when you opted out of her 'starve yourself till you're beautiful'
masochism, for example.)
>
>It's been a very emotional time for me anyway because I miss my mother
>(she died when I was 15). The bottom line of all this blubbering is
>that I never thought I would be getting married. Now what is supposed to
Contemplating a major life change, such as marriage, is always stressful.
Regretting not having a friend (your mom) there to share it is also stressful.
When you couple these with changing a long-held belief (I never thought
I would get married), that's a lot of stress. Be sure to be gentle with
yourself, and get lots of rest and remember to laugh out loud at least once
a day (more, if you can manage to see the absurdity of things).
>be an incredibly joyous time for me is turning out to be frought with
>worry, anxiety, self loathing & tears.
Worry and anxiety are normal - afterall, you want to be the best spouse you
can, right? Tears are a good way to relieve stress. Even self-doubts are
typical - can I do this? am I prepared? did I forget anything? But drop
the self-loathing (and don't start on guilt because you fell into that
trap!). You hold down a job, you've got folks who are willing to stand
with you at this life transition, and you've met someone who thinks you're
wonderful. Dwell on these things, and savor their magic. Imagine how nice
it will be to be sitting in your new home, with your new ring on your left
hand, writing thank you notes.
Yes, you'll be able to endure this societal rite of passage, and move into
a new life with your honey, just fine.
Best,
Rosemary.
Deborah Fisch
a.k.a. Tracey writes:
>The problem is my co-workers, 2 of whom are in my wedding. They are both
>heavy but not as large as me. The one girl I asked to be in my wedding
>immediately announced that she was going on a strict diet & was going to
>drop 30 lbs before being fitted for a dress. The other said that before
>her wedding she starved herself into a size 16 dress so she would look
>pretty. I said I WAS going to look pretty. She looked at me like I had
>just grown a second head.
Hearing things like this makes me very sad. As other posters have
pointed out, it's a betrayal of trust by people supposed to be your
friends and a nasty demonstration of fatphobia. Add my voice to those
others wishing you support and strength.
I also get a little depressed about the trend of weddings being
considered media events with appearances counting for everything. I've
been to SOOOO many wedding where the bride and groom and others were so
anxious about how people dressed, where they stood, what they said, that
the whole thing looked stiffly choreographed, like an amateur dramatics
play instead of a wedding--which is supposed to be about love, joy,
family and friends. Of COURSE people want to look their best and behave
with dignity, but can't we all do that in our own way? Who says we
*have* to do it in a size 16 body clad in a white gown? A wedding is not
put on for the photographer or camcorder operator after all, but for the
couple getting married and all the people they love.
The most beautiful wedding I ever went to took place outside with
everyone huddled under a tree in the pouring rain. The bride wore a
cotton dress with a matching jacket, the groom a summer suit. The rabbi
wore a beautiful magenta silk dress. The guests wore everything from
jeans to funky ethnic clothing to formal wear, and everyone got very
friendly standing there dripping together, and the rabbi had us laughing
all through the ceremony. Then we went to the reception and dried out
and drank wine and ate lunch and danced and talked until evening. It
doesn't get much better than that!
I know we women are brought up to regard as our right the white dress and
orange blossoms, etc.--and this may be something we feel we need to have.
But I think it wouldn't hurt to think about it (and related issues)
first.
Deborah Fisch .................... debora...@umich.edu
Leisa Diel
People are silly,m'dear. Don't let two twitterhead's dumb ideas get
to you. When I got married I was a beautiful bride, everyone said so
and I quite agree...I was also BIG. I have never been otherwise..what
am I to do, attempt to die to get thin? Well, I DID that. I listened
to the idiots of the world tell me that I couldn't be BIG and
beautiful and I decided to try purging for a year. I shrank from a 22
to a 13..a dreadful 13..yellow skin, brittle hair that came out by the
handfulls, broken bones because I'd robbed my body of calcium and
nutrients. I ended up in the hospital, unable to stop vomiting
blood...by golly there's a beautiful woman hunched over the toilet
bowl!
Finally my husband, who was then my fiancee taught me that I was the
beautiful one he was in love with, no matter what size I was. I
learned to love myself, much as all of us have to do. When I got
married I didn't listen to anyone's notions about what I "as a big
girl" should or shouldn't do. It was very difficult for me too,
because my husband comes from a family of size 7's. They all thought
they had to put their 2 cents in. Wanna know what they said and I
did?
In-laws and detractors me
You can't get a plunging neckline! Yes I can.
You can't wear a sleeveless..your arms.. This style is great!
If you wear a choker your neck looks big.. My neck IS big. I like
this.
and so on.
You and your husband think you're beautiful as you are..feel sorry for
the twittery bridesmaids who think that they have to lose weight to be
pretty but dont let them ruin your day. And don't please, go to
bridal dress shops without calling first..it's a waste of your time
and very hurtful to the ego sometimes, since most bridal shops stock
only size 9. They actually expect big women to be satisfied with
HOLDING THE DRESS UP TO THEM to sorta see how it will look!!!! I
couldn't believe it. Calling ahead saved a lot of time...
oh and a word from one who knows, be careful about out of town
companies as seen in Brides magazine etc. I got royally shafted by a
company who didn't want to deal with any one over size 9.
leisa
--
Leisa D. Diel ld...@dante.nmsu.edu
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Satan Is a Poo-Poo Head
Marty Hale-Evans
>The most beautiful wedding I ever went to took place outside with
>everyone huddled under a tree in the pouring rain. The bride wore a
>cotton dress with a matching jacket, the groom a summer suit. The rabbi
>wore a beautiful magenta silk dress. The guests wore everything from
>jeans to funky ethnic clothing to formal wear, and everyone got very
>friendly standing there dripping together, and the rabbi had us laughing
>all through the ceremony. Then we went to the reception and dried out
>and drank wine and ate lunch and danced and talked until evening. It
>doesn't get much better than that!
people who just wouldn't consider themselves "really married" had they
gone through the above; my first reaction was, "Now, *that's* a
wonderful way to start a new life."
I did a lot of the arranging at my wedding (including writing the
service) and while it sometimes takes more energy than taking the
"normal" package, it's much more satisfying in the end. Do what is
meaningful to YOU -- after all, this isn't a dress rehearsal, this is
your LIFE.
Marty
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"You can wait a lonely lifetime for a knock upon the door;
Ships are safe inside the harbor, but is that what ships are for?
All the world is made by dreamers, those who dream, and so it seems
That this world was meant for dreaming, if we just wake up and dream."
& @ % M U 8
Marty Hale-Evans \|/ \|/ \|/ \|/ \|/ \|/ MA...@DELPHI.COM
89 Massachusetts Avenue, #199, Boston, Massachusetts, 02115, USA
I speak only for myself, not Delphi nor anyone else in this whole wide world.
Marty Hale-Evans
>I'm 5'6" and a size 28. I'd been feeling better about myself since Ross
>introduced me to this newsgroup. I've been reading for a while now but
>too shy to introduce myself. Ross thought it might be helpful for me to
>"talk" here.
I'm a *little* bigger than you. You're around my size when I got married,
though.
>The problem is my co-workers, 2 of whom are in my wedding. They are both
>heavy but not as large as me. The one girl I asked to be in my wedding
>immediately announced that she was going on a strict diet & was going to
>drop 30 lbs before being fitted for a dress. The other said that before
>her wedding she starved herself into a size 16 dress so she would look
>pretty. I said I WAS going to look pretty. She looked at me like I had
>just grown a second head.
have many redeeming qualities, but I'm so tempted to say you might be better
off marching down the aisle alone. Nevertheless, we all know our friends can
have silly notions and still be our friends. You might want to tell them,
however, that you're going through a lot of stress right now, and you would
appreciate only positive support. You're allowed to ask for that, you know.
Tell them if they can't be positive and loving, you'd appreciate it if they
kept those thoughts to themselves. We can't help what we are, but civilization
is all about not troubling other people with our private uglinesses. :->
>It's been a very emotional time for me anyway because I miss my mother
>(she died when I was 15). The bottom line of all this blubbering is
>that I never thought I would be getting married. Now what is supposed to
>be an incredibly joyous time for me is turning out to be frought with
>worry, anxiety, self loathing & tears.
I was all mad at her because she wasn't acting like the mother I wanted her to
be. I can imagine you'd be distraught -- things like weddings connect us all,
and women especially in our culture bond over rites of passage. Is there
something of hers you can carry with you? It sounds silly, but maybe a talisman
will help you remember that she's there with you, somewhere. Definitely try
to wear or carry something of hers in your wedding. But I digress -- see,
we all want to help with a wedding. The thing is, people who want to change
us and people who want our money will try to take the opportunity while
we're weak and sentimental, so be careful.
>Looking in the bride magazines I'm half tempted to mail order all those
>quick weight loss products that guarantee results for that "all
>important day!"
against us -- don't let them! As my best friend and matron of honor kept
telling me, "All brides are beautiful by default." :->
>My fiancee has been very supportive of me. He tells me I'm beautiful &
>will love me forever. I guess that should be enough for me but I'm
>still a mess. I guess what I need is support from people who've been
>there. Does it get any better? Anyway, thanks for listening.
found it indicative of the marriage to watch how a couple acts during
wedding planning. Anyway, focus serenely on your love and draw strength
from it. Let the two of you become the eye in the wedding planning
storm, calm and steady and sure. Then let everyone else take a flying
leap if they have to. :-> It doesn't get any better until after the
wedding, but it's one of those pains that feels *really good* when it
stops....
Keep us informed!
Leanne Maher
get caught up in all the silly wedding stuff (remember, your
just lining someone else's pockets). With my wedding, I
had to invite all my friends from my undergradute days
(when I was a size 9), which was incredibly stressful for
me since I now felt like a failure. Anyway, I decided that
the most important thing was to get married. Anyway, what
I did, after going to all the bridal shops and being horribly
humiliated (They made me try on dresses 5-6 times smaller than
I was just to check the style) I finally had my dress made. It
was exactly what I wanted and I looked and felt much better.
Anyway, sorry for rambling. If you want to talk about it some more
e-mail me!
LeAnne
Lauren Holmes
I got married last spring, and the best advice anyone gave me was to just
keep remembering what it's all about. The bottom line is that you're
marrying the man you love, who loves you -- that's what's going to last,
and that's the whole point of what you're doing. Nobody and nothing else
ultimately matters. Keep telling yourself that.
Also, I am roughly your size, and I was GORGEOUS on my wedding day. The
old truism about all brides being beautiful is actually true (although I
chalk it up to adrenalin!:-) ). Everyone commented on how gorgeous I was;
even the pictures came out great. I just felt beautiful, because I was
marrying someone I loved more than anyone else -- I was just very, very
happy. The day turned out better than my wildest expectations, and I had
initially had many similar concerns to yours.
Finally, tears, anxiety, etc. are normal -- and not just for big folks.
They don't call it engagement purgatory for nothing! Hang in there,
sweetie -- find a dress you like and feel pretty in (I had mine made, as I
mentioned in an earlier post), wear your hair and make-up in a style you
like, and just focus on that wonderful guy at the top of the aisle.
And congratulations!!! Marriage is infinitely better and more enjoyable
than engagement.
--
Lauren Crawford Holmes
lho...@mcs.com
Karen Hutchins
> In article <821.41...@pics.com> Ross Presser, ross.p...@pics.com
> a.k.a. Tracey writes:
> >The problem is my co-workers, 2 of whom are in my wedding. They are both
> >heavy but not as large as me. The one girl I asked to be in my wedding
> >immediately announced that she was going on a strict diet & was going to
> >drop 30 lbs before being fitted for a dress. The other said that before
> >her wedding she starved herself into a size 16 dress so she would look
> >pretty. I said I WAS going to look pretty. She looked at me like I had
> >just grown a second head.
I agree with everyone who has responded to your post so far, but I'd like
to add a couple of practical reasons why you shouldn't try to diet for
your wedding day (unless you *know* you can keep it off): I dieted (and
also just didn't feel like eating much) after we got engaged, so that by
the time I was fitted for the wedding dress I was a reasonable size -
though of course I hoped I'd lose a few pounds more. Well, for one reason
and another I had a bad few months after that (my sweetie was away, for a
start) and I had a fairly intimate relationship with chocolate in that time.
I finished up being absolutely terrified that my *very* expensive wedding
dress wasn't even going to fit me. In the end it was okay, but I have
heard of people who've done worse than me, and of course it just isn't
possible to let out a dress 3 inches if you haven't designed it that way.
The second reason is similar to the first but not so critical: if you're
the thinnest you'll ever be for your wedding, you'll never be able to
wear your wedding dress again. I wore mine for our first wedding
anniversary (we had someone bring in and serve us a meal in our home - it
was lovely), and it was really special for both of us. Unfortunately,
since then it has been out of the question.
Anyway, the most important thing is that this is *your* day, so you do
whatever the hell *you* want. If someone else is paying for it, then
maybe they have a say in what goes on, but even then I would say that
the bride's dress is nobody's concern but the bride's. So, have a
wonderful day!
>
> I also get a little depressed about the trend of weddings being
> considered media events with appearances counting for everything. I've
> been to SOOOO many wedding where the bride and groom and others were so
> anxious about how people dressed, where they stood, what they said, that
> the whole thing looked stiffly choreographed, like an amateur dramatics
> play instead of a wedding--which is supposed to be about love, joy,
> family and friends. Of COURSE people want to look their best and behave
> with dignity, but can't we all do that in our own way? Who says we
> *have* to do it in a size 16 body clad in a white gown? A wedding is not
> put on for the photographer or camcorder operator after all, but for the
> couple getting married and all the people they love.
>
Yes yes yes exactly! Good grief, you should have heard some of the people
we interviewed about videoing our wedding, they really seemed to think that
such things as the vicar were inconvenient incidentals to the main event,
which was (of course) the video. And someone told me I should wear twice
as much makeup as usual so that I wouldn't look washed out in the video.
For goodness sake! I'm going to look like a clown all day so that the
video turns out well?
--
ka...@yc.estec.esa.nl
-Not speaking for ESTEC-
rpre...@gmail.com
> [This message is from Tracey, I'm Ross's fiancee.]