MY LIFE HISTORY--IS IT ADD?
babymash
been getting into computers,I wrote a letter to sci.med.psychobiology
and got a letter from a support ADD reader who thought this may
be a possible answer so here is my life history,I'm desperate for
a final answer.Here goes.
It's very interesting,as far back as I can remember I have sensed
an inner chaos,a feeling of over emertion in myself and a
hypersensitivity to my enviroment,my mind felt to busy.
With this came anger attacks from a very young age towards my
parents mainly,but not exclusively,severe rages which I could not
control,when I had earaches or sore throats I would really
perform as if my need for attention was almost pathological and
from what I remember deeply painful and overwhelming for me as
well as my parents.All I know is that all my life I have been
suffering deeply from some sort of stuff up in my mind.
When I started shool I just could not keep up with things,I just
seemed caught up in myself,this is the common thread.
I remember being terrified of teachers to the point of
phobic proportions,and this made school a total mess,I could'nt
concentrate.On the first day of school a girl threw up in front
of the class,I freaked out and became a real hypocondriac,even to
this day my friends still recall my behavior back then.
At this point I started to exibit what are called Factitious
Disorders(prentending to be ill) I tried to make myself throw up
like the girl in our class did and this snow balled-bashing my
head into walls on my own desperate to make myself crazy or ill
in some way,these thoughts took over my whole personality,again
trapped by my own mind.The factitious behavior also involved
preying every night and it must be remembered that I was very
young and beleived in god,to me I was poring out my soal.
The following is much of the preyer as I remember it. (6-7yrs).
DEAR GOD PLEASE MAKE ME ILL FOREVER,AND NO MATTER HOW MUCH I WANT
THE PAIN TO STOP,MAKE IT STAY.
I remember the preyer very well because I wanted it to come true
so much.Life carried on pretty much the same,until I became
anxious and worried about self image etc.Due to my still
explosive anger attacks I was treated as if I was evil by many
people in our street which of course added to my dwindling self
esteem,I also had an intense imagination and often became lost in
an inner world of such complexity that I could never explain some
of the fixations. It's difficult for me to tell the difference
between OCD and fixations,obsessions don't really seem to fit my
behavior overall.In 1986 my father died of cancer and I decided
to get help which of course turned into a factitious illness
nightmare and soon I was in a psychiatric hospital playing ill
and yet I seemed oblivious to the seriousness of the situation.
I went nuts when I was wrongly prescribed
Fluphenazine(antipsychotic injection)suffering severe drug
induced akathesia and depression which is still with me now
six years later after one injection,this reoccuring feeling as if
the injection side effects are still within me points I beleive
to a possible biological problem in my mind because once again I
am locked in an inner prison,It still feels like yesterday and Im
still obsessed with it now.
My anger and over busy brain are the big problems I have
today,I get so caught up in myself and focus in on things which
dont have any importance,I disturb myself with myself.
My anger is strange and it is not me,it feels like something that
Im not,I am a nice person and have nothing against people I have
been angry at,this includes my last girlfriend,I put my head
through her wall although this is not why we broke up.
Iv'e tried lots of drugs from Lithium to Parnate without success.
Whats wrong with me,I need to know so I can treat,most
psychiatrists don't seem to know what they are talking about so
do any of you think ADD is it.
I must end by doing some PR for myself,I may sound completly
crazy but through all of these problems I have remained
essentially normal and functioned socially very well mainly
because I am good at hiding all of this but I am worried about my
future at this point as I learn more about my behavior and become
more aware of how gone I used to be in so many ways and I'm still
not good.
THANKS FOR READING.
GLENN FLETCHER.