HUMOR: One liners
Jennifer Snow Wolff
A thought ADD'ers could relate to this...
A collection of one-liners by comedian Steven Wright:
(or at least Steven Wright-ish)
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... Coincidence?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
overlooked something.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
da BRAT!
On 15 Jan 1998 16:13:04 GMT, "Jennifer Snow Wolff"
<snow...@worldnet.att.net> wrote:
:>A thought ADD'ers could relate to this...
:>
:> A collection of one-liners by comedian Steven Wright:
:> (or at least Steven Wright-ish)
Stole a few for my tagline database. Hope ya don't mind. :) Thanks!
--
ATTENTION! Please remove ! from return address
===============================================
da BRAT! -- 8:56:15 AM -- 01/15/98
brat(at)antisocial(dot)com
===========================
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Barry Kearns
>A thought ADD'ers could relate to this...
>
> A collection of one-liners by comedian Steven Wright:
> (or at least Steven Wright-ish)
Here's a few more:
What is the speed of dark?
When you're sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?
If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of
earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out
of the water?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
it considered a hostage situation?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers
aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
How can there be self-help groups?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink
and drive?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited
there?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Where are Preparations A through G?
If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the
top one away?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why
you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
What happened to the first 6 "ups"?
If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon
called a yellow?
My school colors were "clear".
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up
letter.
I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having
trouble breathing.
My girlfriend is weird. She asked me, "If you could know how and when
you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No". She
said, "Okay,then forget it."
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to
be gone. I said, "The whole time."
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore
like an idiot..
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell
me about some of the people who were here last year."
What a nice night for an evening.
When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad.
He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of
August? Cool!"
Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me
are furious.
I live on a one-way dead-end street.
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room
temperature.
Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, "No
thanks - I'm not going that far."
I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lives next door
complained.
Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a
woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
tiger
In article <69lcig$3...@mtinsc02.worldnet.att.net>, on or about 15 Jan
1998 16:13:04 GMT, snow...@worldnet.att.net allegedly said...
> A thought ADD'ers could relate to this...
>
> A collection of one-liners by comedian Steven Wright:
> (or at least Steven Wright-ish)
>
Then is elation merely anger without malice?
>
> Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
Yeah, but how many eagle-fur coats have you seen? And what if
pigs could fly? Honey, it's raining bacon!
>
> I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
But has your "best-before" date gone by?
>
> I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
You must also be psychic to have known that. Would it have
"been good" for both of you?
> I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
Let's hope the ambulance driver pays more attention to his.
>
> I intend to live forever - so far, so good
It just seems like forever to everyone else.
>
> I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
I love aggressive animals, especially in leather.
>
> Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
Quantum Mechanics: Where do they find such tiny coveralls?
> The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
Or a very large sum of money.
>
> When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
No, I won't touch this one.
>
> Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Ambition is having enough money to keep trying what we're no
good at doing.
>
> If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
Or at least have time for a vacation.
>
> Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...
That depends on who you've given the beer to, and how many
they've already had.
>
> 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... Coincidence?
At my house it's impossible. There's never 24 beers in the
case.
>
> If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
> overlooked something.
If you can keep your head, when all about you are losing
theirs, you haven't checked your answering machine.
>
> Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Around here they quit working once they're hired.
>
> When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
When I'm not in my right mind, it throws a party, and locks the
door.
>
> Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Or never bother to get it developed.
>
> I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Dogonnit! If you need another pet, try planting some bird seed.
>
> I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
That's because you opened it at both ends.
>
> I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
And the deaf pedestrians should stay off the sidewalk, if they
don't like your driving.
>
> Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Shoe: a device for finding dog-doo on the sidewalk.
>
> All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
All those who believe in free lunches raise my suspicions.
>
And, yes, the weather here is lousy. Apologies in advance.
--
...it's never too late to have a happy childhood!
...tiger
ti...@aracnet.net
http://www.aracnet.net/~tiger
MarkProbe
In article <34c14521....@NEWS.csn.net>, bkea...@ix.netcom.com (Barry
Kearns) writes:
>What is the speed of dark?
For great questions, a great answer...
The Theory of the Dark Sucker explains that...
The device that we call a lightbulb actually sucks in dark. Notice how there is
less dark near a bulb than far away from it.
A flashlight is a portable dark sucker. When you turn it on, it sucks in the
dark and stores it in a thing called a battery. When the battery is full, you
throw it away and purchase an empty one.
Now, have you ever opened a closet door? Before you opened the door the closet
was full of dark. As soon as you opened the door, some dark leaked out and the
closet was filled with light.
A similar thing happens when you open a refrigerator. While the door is closed,
the refrigerator is full of dark. As soon as you open the door, the dark sucker
(also called a light bulb) instantly sucks of the dark to store it for release
when you close the door. Here, the dark sucker prevents loss of dark by storing
it.
Black holes are made of very dense dark.
I hope this helps.
Mark Probert
LI, New York
I will honor the privacy of email, and expect the same.
Barry Kearns
On 16 Jan 1998 14:16:02 GMT, mark...@aol.com (MarkProbe) wrote:
>In article <34c14521....@NEWS.csn.net>, bkea...@ix.netcom.com (Barry
>Kearns) writes:
>
>>What is the speed of dark?
>
>For great questions, a great answer...
>
>The Theory of the Dark Sucker explains that...
>
>The device that we call a lightbulb actually sucks in dark. Notice how there is
>less dark near a bulb than far away from it.
>
While I was in the Navy (shudder) I attended Basic Electricity and
Electronics School (called B double-E). One of the things that you
did, was perform troubleshooting on various circuits. The instructors
would give you various circuit boards, and you would take them back to
the workbench and diagnose what the faulty component was. Then you
would bring it back to the instructors, and explain what was wrong.
One of the guys standing in line in front of me offered the following
explanation for what was wrong with his circuit: ( I don't know if he
made it up on the spot, but I laughed my ass off... this is from
memory, so may not be verbatim)
Instructor: "So what's wrong with your lighting circuit?"
Student: "Well, before I can explain that, you need to understand the
Elephant Roads theory of electricity..."
The instructor sighed and shook his head, but he seemed as bored as
everyone else there, and went along with it...
I: "Ok, explain it to me..."
S: "Well, you see that long fluorescent tube? That's not a light
emitter. It's a darkness absorber. There's a burned-out one over
there. Notice how there's dark stuck at the ends? Well, once this
thing starts pulling in darkness, it can only hold so much of it...
if it doesn't go somewhere, the room fills up with darkness.
Ordinarily, we hook up wires to the ends, and there are tiny little
elephants inside the wires. They use the wires like we use roads.
Each elephant picks up a tiny piece of darkness, and hauls it down the
road, walking across the switches like little drawbridges, until it
gets back to the generator. It dumps the darkness off there, and goes
back for another load. Have you ever LOOKED inside a generator? It's
DARK in there!"
[Note to those who haven't: Navy generators use carbon brushes, which
look very much like charcoal. As the brushes wear down, the inside of
the generator gets filthy with black dust. It really *is* dark in a
Navy generator...]
S: "...and if we open the switch, the elephants can't walk across the
bridge, so all the darkness builds up in the room. Elephant Roads
theory of electricity."
I: "OK, fine... so what's wrong?"
Pointing to a burned-out resistor in the circuit, (the defective
component in that circuit) the student says:
"Dead elephant in the middle of the road."
He passed the lab. I had to go back and re-do mine, because I forgot
what was wrong with mine, from laughing so hard.
Or maybe you had to be there....
Barry Kearns
Cindy Murray
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. Shoe: a device for finding dog-doo on the sidewalk. >
Nope, 'fraid you're wrong there.
Shoe: a device for finding chewing gum on the sidewalk.
The device for finding dog-doo would be bare feet
--
Cindy Murray
"Wisdom is the knowledge of when to avoid perfection."- Kilgore Trout
(Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.)
Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when
you
do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.