Money

[brianna_1938 via MedKB.com]

My brother-in-law has been tryig to figure out "his" money for several days.
He thinks someone is stealing it. My sister tries to show him bank books and
where they stand but he continues to say, she is stealing his money. He
calls the bank, they give him a balance, the same one she has given him but
no he still doesn't believe it.
He is very tiring and my sister is at her wits end. I don't know what she can
do for him. She tries to explain things but he does not understand.

Bri

Just had to get things off my chest.

--
Message posted via MedKB.com
http://www.medkb.com/Uwe/Forums.aspx/alzheimer/200807/1

[sweetp...@spamknology.net]

Bri, he will never understand. His brain just won't let him. I know it's
never easy, but if she could just try to put him off by mentioning something
else he may be interested in. May not work with him but she could at least
try. Trying to explain to him is just wasting her time; he will never
believe any explanation. So sorry for your sister.
Gwen

--
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
"brianna_1938 via MedKB.com" <u35594@uwe> wrote in message
news:87a1bbfc079d1@uwe...

[Mary_...@tvo.org]

Bri, he can't be reasoned with. Even if he could follow logic, he
wouldn't remember the discussion five minutes later.

Usually the thing to do is to deal with the underlying emotions he's
expressing in terms of soothing/patting/reassuring AND not get into
arguing with him. Label his feelings, and sooth, divert, distract,
change subjects. I see you are very anxious about our money, I know
you are upset. You feel terrible!! Everything's going to be okay. What
can I do to make you feel better? Would you like a nice cup of tea and
a backrub? How about a big hug and then we'll go for a walk? Maybe we
could go around the block and see the ducks in the park.

Anything but get sucked into a no win, ever escalating war with
someone not in their right mind. I'd be giving him an old bankbook to
hold onto if that makes him feel better, and keep all financial
papers, bills, books, everything locked up and totally out of his
sight.

M.

[brianna_1938 via MedKB.com]

Hello there,

It seems he understands what he wants to. He can memorize his social
security number, all his bank account numbers, knows what banks he does
business with. Always worried about his money. I wonder why he can remember
all this but somethings he wants to forget.

Bri

--
Message posted via http://www.medkb.com

[brianna_1938 via MedKB.com]

sweetp...@SPAMknology.net wrote:
>Bri, he will never understand. His brain just won't let him. I know it's
>never easy, but if she could just try to put him off by mentioning something
>else he may be interested in. May not work with him but she could at least
>try. Trying to explain to him is just wasting her time; he will never
>believe any explanation. So sorry for your sister.
>Gwen
>

>My brother-in-law has been tryig to figure out "his" money for several days.
>He thinks someone is stealing it. My sister tries to show him bank books
>and
>where they stand but he continues to say, she is stealing his money. He
>calls the bank, they give him a balance, the same one she has given him but
>no he still doesn't believe it.
>He is very tiring and my sister is at her wits end. I don't know what she
>can
>do for him. She tries to explain things but he does not understand.

I feel sorry for my sister too. he is always worried about money. But he
worries that his sisters and brothers won't get it if he passes away. he
does not want my sister to have any of it.
Strange but true.

[Alan Meyer]

brianna_1938 via MedKB.com wrote:
> My brother-in-law has been tryig to figure out "his" money for several days.
> He thinks someone is stealing it. My sister tries to show him bank books and
> where they stand but he continues to say, she is stealing his money. He
> calls the bank, they give him a balance, the same one she has given him but
> no he still doesn't believe it.
> He is very tiring and my sister is at her wits end. I don't know what she can
> do for him. She tries to explain things but he does not understand.
>
> Bri
>
> Just had to get things off my chest.
>

I think this is very common Bri. I found it to be an
especially tough problem with my Dad. He was a businessman,
always concerned about money, and always struggling to stay
afloat and take care of his family. Towards the end of his
life he developed dementia of some kind (don't know if it
was AD or vascular) and was always worried about people taking
his money.

I think Mary's advice is sound. In addition, I wonder if there
are any tricks that will help like buying him a lockbox and
putting a little cash and other valuables in it. Then when
he gets a little paranoid, your sister can say, "Let's go look
in the lockbox and see if everything's still there."

Actually, it sounds like your BIL is still a little too
sophisticated for that, but it might help later on.

I guess your sister has to experiment, trying different things
to see what calms him.

Alan

[carolina...@gmail.com]

Or maybe you tell him that is a valid concern, so you have gathered up
the "valuables" and put them in the bank safe deposit box. Even give
him "the key" for safekeeping. (just make sure you have one of your
own!!!)

[Adelle]

"brianna_1938 via MedKB.com" <u35594@uwe> wrote in message
news:87a1bbfc079d1@uwe...

> My brother-in-law has been tryig to figure out "his" money for several
> days.
> He thinks someone is stealing it. My sister tries to show him bank books
> and
> where they stand but he continues to say, she is stealing his money. He
> calls the bank, they give him a balance, the same one she has given him
> but
> no he still doesn't believe it.
> He is very tiring and my sister is at her wits end. I don't know what she
> can
> do for him. She tries to explain things but he does not understand.

My FIL was convinced people were coming in at night to look for his cameras
(most prized possessions). So he 'put them in safe places.' Then when he
forgot where they were, their absence was proof that people were in fact
coming in to steal his things. After all, he'd be able to find them if they
weren't stolen.

Explaining won't help; he is beyond comprehending. His mind is stuck right
now, like a record with a skip (for those of us old enough to know what that
means). The worry over the money won't end until his mind is far enough gone
that he ceases to remember to care. It is his mind's desperate to keep in
touch with and have some control over something essential to his
personality. Evelyn said there was an antipsychotic medication which helped
her MIL with her obsessions. Maybe BIL needs a higher dose of what he is
getting as a short term thing until he stops the obsession?

Or a loving deception? Can SIL find some counting, figuring out money thing
to keep him occupied? Can he count and roll coins "to be deposited." Then
the coins can be emptied each night for him to do the next day.

Adelle

[EddyJean]

I feel sorry for my sister too. he is always worried about money. But he
worries that his sisters and brothers won't get it if he passes away. he
does not want my sister to have any of it.
Strange but true.
Bri

=========================================
If there's no Will, your sister and BIL need one. Look for an attorney
who won't gouge you. Unless complicated, a Will shouldn't cost more than
$350.

EddyJean

[Evelyn]

If he wants to leave everything to his brothers and sisters, the last
thing she needs to do is take him to an attorney for a new will. She
might fare better (as his wife) if he has NO will!

Evelyn

[Evelyn]

On Jul 28, 9:56 pm, "carolinasongb...@gmail.com"

> own!!!)- Hide quoted text -
>
> - Show quoted text -

That was what we had to do, essentially. Until my husband took charge
of the money and the checkbooks and all of that, she would obsess and
suffer anxiety attacks and panic attacks over and over again, as she
would try to add or subtract in her checkbook, and constantly
rummaging through all the bank stuff. Finally we both realized how
absolutely pitiful it was to watch her going through this. Her brain
wasn't functioning well enough to know that she'd just looked through
it all 5 seconds prior. She couldn't remember, and got caught in an
endless anxiety loop.

He decided that he was going to take it away and he did. He told her
that he had the stuff locked in the safe and that he'd give it back to
her when we took her home again. (Of course she never was able to
return home to her house ever again, but it did calm her and she
finally ceased worrying about it). He showed her that he had her
stuff and that it was in the safe. She relaxed and finally began to
try and enjoy her life a little bit.

Evelyn

[Queenie]

I don't know if many of you will remember me, but I lost my husband to this dread disease

about 7 years ago. I don't know where I would have been if not for this wonderful newsgroup

and most of the people I met here. Of course, most of the people I knew went on their way, as

I did, after the demise of our spouses, significant other, etc. Every so often, I peek in here just

to see if anything has changed, etc. I often want to write, but still find most of the situation still

too painful to recall and write about. This story about the money really got to me, tho, because

my husband did a similar thing in that he didn't want me to have any of "his" money. He, in his

delusion, thought I was about 3 different people. He did not really understand what he was doing.

I tried not to take it personally because he was a very sick man and his illness was very difficult

to understand because it didn't make sense! Speaking from experience, Evelyn's reply is right on

the mark. Legally, it is not his money to do with as he will -- it is their money, which, upon his death,

automatically becomes his wife's.

My best,

Judy 

[Adelle]

"Evelyn" <evely...@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:0ef10e53-883c-4b96...@k37g2000hsf.googlegroups.com...

Evelyn

It's more complicated than that. Anytime there is no will the property
distribution is overseen by the court. Lots of paperwork as well as time and
money spent needlessly.

Is there an enduring POA's in place? has the estate been protected by having
most of the assets pass outside of a will (house, all accounts, all
securities,) by being titled with right of survivorship? Then the residue of
the estate should be negligible, depending on what the contents of the house
are worth.

I think Brianna's sister needs to get some advice from an elder care atty,
even if it turns out a will isn't recommended.

Adelle
(family law atty in her life before kids)

[brianna_1938 via MedKB.com]

You are so right, it is an escalating war. It is a no win situation. She
can tell him something and will ask him if he understands. He will reply
with a yes but a few minutes later, she is back to square one.
She cannot lock up his books and out of sight. He will ask for them and she
better hand them over, because if not, there is going to be a World War III

[brianna_1938 via MedKB.com]

Alan Meyer wrote:
>> My brother-in-law has been tryig to figure out "his" money for several days.
>> He thinks someone is stealing it. My sister tries to show him bank books and

>[quoted text clipped - 7 lines]

>>
>> Just had to get things off my chest.
>
>I think this is very common Bri. I found it to be an
>especially tough problem with my Dad. He was a businessman,
>always concerned about money, and always struggling to stay
>afloat and take care of his family. Towards the end of his
>life he developed dementia of some kind (don't know if it
>was AD or vascular) and was always worried about people taking
>his money.
>
>I think Mary's advice is sound. In addition, I wonder if there
>are any tricks that will help like buying him a lockbox and
>putting a little cash and other valuables in it. Then when
>he gets a little paranoid, your sister can say, "Let's go look
>in the lockbox and see if everything's still there."
>
>Actually, it sounds like your BIL is still a little too
>sophisticated for that, but it might help later on.
>
>I guess your sister has to experiment, trying different things
>to see what calms him.
>
> Alan

Hello Alan,
Thanks for your reply. Yes, my sister tries different things and some work,
some don't.
She took him to see a doctor and he gave him medication to calm down. He has
been better about his agitation and sleeps better.
My sister takes such good care of him and has a lot of patience. Something
that I don't think I could handle. I could not handle the bad words, and
abuse.
Last Saturday, he called 911. The police always respond and it is the same
thing over and over. Once they get here they realize that he is a sick man.
Give him and her advice and leave.
He told the police that she was nothing but a BIT-- and that she wouldn't
give him his medication. He goes on and on about all the bad treatment. He
is one lucky man to get such good treatment from his wife.
Thanks for listening.

Bri

[brianna_1938 via MedKB.com]

Adelle wrote:
>> My brother-in-law has been tryig to figure out "his" money for several
>> days.

>[quoted text clipped - 7 lines]

>> can
>> do for him. She tries to explain things but he does not understand.
>
>My FIL was convinced people were coming in at night to look for his cameras
>(most prized possessions). So he 'put them in safe places.' Then when he
>forgot where they were, their absence was proof that people were in fact
>coming in to steal his things. After all, he'd be able to find them if they
>weren't stolen.
>
>Explaining won't help; he is beyond comprehending. His mind is stuck right
>now, like a record with a skip (for those of us old enough to know what that
>means). The worry over the money won't end until his mind is far enough gone
>that he ceases to remember to care. It is his mind's desperate to keep in
>touch with and have some control over something essential to his
>personality. Evelyn said there was an antipsychotic medication which helped
>her MIL with her obsessions. Maybe BIL needs a higher dose of what he is
>getting as a short term thing until he stops the obsession?
>
>Or a loving deception? Can SIL find some counting, figuring out money thing
>to keep him occupied? Can he count and roll coins "to be deposited." Then
>the coins can be emptied each night for him to do the next day.
>
>Adelle

the doctor gave him stronger medication and he seems to be doing a little
better. Sleeps better and not as agitated.
She does give him tablets to post all "his" money and that keeps him occupied
for sometime. His writing is terrible and at one time had the prettiest
writing. She will draw the lines on the tablets and he will post all over
the tablet. He wants to know how much he has in the bank but he has it right
in front of him but he still wants to post it and if it doesn't balance, then
he thinks something is wrong. he is not able to use a calculator anymore.
Tries but he cannot do it.

Thank you for responding, Adelle.

Bri

[brianna_1938 via MedKB.com]

Evelyn wrote:
>On Jul 28, 9:56 pm, "carolinasongb...@gmail.com"
><carolinasongb...@gmail.com> wrote:
>
>> > > My brother-in-law has been tryig to figure out "his" money for several days.
>> > > He thinks someone is stealing it.  My sister tries to show him bank books and

>[quoted text clipped - 36 lines]

>>
>> - Show quoted text -
>
>That was what we had to do, essentially. Until my husband took charge
>of the money and the checkbooks and all of that, she would obsess and
>suffer anxiety attacks and panic attacks over and over again, as she
>would try to add or subtract in her checkbook, and constantly
>rummaging through all the bank stuff. Finally we both realized how
>absolutely pitiful it was to watch her going through this. Her brain
>wasn't functioning well enough to know that she'd just looked through
>it all 5 seconds prior. She couldn't remember, and got caught in an
>endless anxiety loop.
>
>He decided that he was going to take it away and he did. He told her
>that he had the stuff locked in the safe and that he'd give it back to
>her when we took her home again. (Of course she never was able to
>return home to her house ever again, but it did calm her and she
>finally ceased worrying about it). He showed her that he had her
>stuff and that it was in the safe. She relaxed and finally began to
>try and enjoy her life a little bit.
>
>Evelyn

My brother-in-law will not relax because he feels the money is not safe with
my sister. It belongs to his family according to him. They have a living
trust and she would get it anyway and he knows this and doesn't like it. He
cannot change the trust unless she signs

[Evelyn]

> Message posted via MedKB.comhttp://www.medkb.com/Uwe/Forums.aspx/alzheimer/200807/1- Hide quoted text -

>
> - Show quoted text -

Brianna,

My Aunt kept calling the police to help her when she couldn't pick my
uncle off the floor when he would fall. He had alzheimers for many
years.

She called so many times and the police would oblige over and over
again, but finally they took him to the hospital (against her will)
and they refused to release him to her care anymore. He was placed
in a nursing home, where he remained a few more months until he
died. My aunt kept saying she could care for him, even when it
became extremely clear that it was not possible, and that he needed
professional nursing care.

So it may become a matter of public record as to how many times the
police have had to respond to his nonsense calls, and he may end up in
a nursing home anyway. So let him call away! It may be the method
by which your poor sister obtains some respite.

Evelyn

[sweetp...@spamknology.net]

Bri, I was so glad to read the last sentence in this last post of yours. No
matter what he says or what he does, she does not have to sign. And that is
a saving grace. I hope she can keep him from sending money to his family
though. She still might need some of it for him.
Gwen

--
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

"brianna_1938 via MedKB.com" <u35594@uwe> wrote in message
news:87fb89dc2a02f@uwe...