HI

[%]

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how are ya

[Ashley D]

Well, my head is more mixed up than my body is (I am transgendered, a girl stuck inside a very feminine appearing boy's body), and that voice in my head is telling me to step up onto that chair and slip that rope around my neck and step off the chair! In other words, my normal self!

On Thursday, September 19, 2013 5:36:59 PM UTC-4, % wrote:
> .
>
> how are ya

[Suicidal Gurl]

On Sunday, September 22, 2013 7:50:39 AM UTC-4, Ashley D wrote:
> Well, my head is more mixed up than my body is (I am transgendered, a girl stuck inside a very feminine appearing boy's body), and that voice in my head is telling me to step up onto that chair and slip that rope around my neck and step off the chair! In other words, my normal self!

Hearing that voice is one thing. Listening to it is another! I can't really say much, as I have heard that same voice telling me to do the same thing, and I have listened to it and done it! More than once! I hope you can resist the voice's message! I keep trying!

[Ashley D]

I try to ignore that voice, but I am finding my resistance failing! It is not helping that, as I walk home from work and I walk past two houses that have seasonal decorations that include nooses dangling from tree branches! I find myself stopping and just staring at those nooses! I imagine standing on some sort of platform with the noose around my neck, then I step off the platform and hang myself. When I get home, and I lay on my bed, the voice keeps repeating over and over to go to the basement! This happened last year, and the year before, and the year before that! I find this time of year the most difficult to deal with my suicidal desires! I have ended up trying! I am trying to resist, but I am so tempted to do it! I am trying!

[Suicidal Gurl]

Are you still resisting that voice? I haven't read any posts from you since you posted your reply, and I am thinking about you! Out of concern? Yes! And for good reason! I know five boys, aged 15 to 19, who have a suicide attempt history. We are all in group therapy together, and meet a couple of times a week and are kind of support for each other, although, we do seem to talk a little too openly about suicide and the lack of fear of death we all seem to have. We usually get together on Saturday morning and at least one evening a week. This past week, the six of us met on Tuesday evening. One of the boys, a 15-year-old named Danny, was talking about all the seasonal displays for Halloween, and how seeing so many figures hanged from make-shift gallows and tree branches was making him hear voices to kill himself. On Thursday morning, at around 6:00, Danny's body was found in his parent's basement. Danny hanged himself. When his body was found, he had been dead for about four hours. Somehow, Danny broke his neck, and on Friday, I found out Danny's neck had lengthened some 100-millimteres between the points where his neck separated. (Back in January, when my girlfriend hanged herself, she also broke her neck, but, she had been dead for only two hours when her body was found, and her neck had lengthened about 60-millieters when her body was cut down from the beam she hanged herself from. This neck lengthening is something that interests me, and it's a little hard to explain why!) Anyway, Danny's funeral service was yesterday, and we all attended.

After the service, the other four boys and I got together. One thing we were glad about was that all those seasonal displays are gone, so there are no reminders for us to do ourselves in. And yes, seeing those figures on display made me think about killing myself again!

When I heard about Danny killing himself, I thought about you. I hope you are still resisting that voice! And at least now, you don't have any encouragements around, at least for another year!
I hope you are

[Ashley D]

Hi Suicidal Gurl! Danny was lucky! And I envy that he hanged himself and succeeded in killing himself.

Yes, I listened to that voice! That night, after I got off work, I walked by this house that had a body hanging from a tree branch. I just stood and stared at it! Then, I heard the voice! "Do it!", the voice said. I was only a block from home! Five minutes later, I was home. It was around 3AM that Sunday morning. My parents left a light on for me. The house was so quiet! I decided to listen to that voice. I went to the basement and got a stool and some rope. I made a noose and slipped it around my neck. Then I stood on the stool and tied the other end of the rope around a beam. I didn't even hesitate! I stepped off the stool in a way that caused the stool to tip! The noose gave my slender neck a good jolt! Unfortunately, unlike Danny, my neck didn't break! As I hanged, I tried to jerk my body around in an effort to snap my neck. All I did was cause the noose to slip tighter and tighter! Finally, I passed out.

I woke up in the hospital three days later! My neck was sore and bruised, and I did have a headache. That was the first time even when I was hanged and suffered a headache! It was estimated I was hanged for about five minutes before my father found my body and cut me down. My heart was still beating, but, he was trying to bring me around. I got out of the hospital one week ago.

Anyway, I am still here! I am still alive! but, as I said, I envy Danny! I wished I had broken my neck!

But, I am still hearing that voice, telling me to try again! I know I will, but for now, I am on suicide watch, so I will have wait a while! But, I am still hear!



On Sunday, November 3, 2013 7:56:34 AM UTC-5, Suicidal Gurl wrote: