Recovery Period - How Long Before Thoughts Go Away?

[Suicidal Boy]

Do thoughts of suicide ever leave your head? I started to think about killing myself when I was 8-years-old, and have a record of trying to kill myself since I was 9, and first tried to end my life. There have been multiple attempts since, the last time was last June. I am now 18. I have been in counselling since that first time I was found unconscious with a belt tied around my neck, and have been hospitalized numerous times. Two years ago, I was hanged for so long, my heart stopped! And somehow, I survived. I was in a coma for three weeks, but I did recover physically. Mentally and emotionally? Not so much! I still think about it, and sometimes, those thoughts consume me! I want to end it!

Through all the recovery and counselling, do those thoughts of killing myself ever go away?

[Ashley D.]

You, like me, are at that extremely vulnerable age where suicidal thoughts are ever so prevalent. I too have suicidal thoughts that control me. It is bad, as I often feel that my end is so near! The worst times for me was when I was dating a boy who was only a month older, but, he was as suicidal, if not more, than I was, and am. We both met almost two years ago, when I was 16, and when we were both in suicide recovery counselling. He, like me, was a Gay, teenaged male. Unlike me though, he was somewhat normal, as I am a Transgendered Transsexual. I'm a girl locked inside a boy's body. I was 15, and had just made my third attempt to kill myself, which had left me in a coma for several days. I also had suffered an extremely serious neck injury. Technically, my neck was broken. "Allan" was recovering from his first attempt! We each had only been in the counselling program for a week, and we basically met and fell in love with each other. The idea was that, maybe with both of us being suicidal, we might have helped each other overcome our suicidal desires. In the first three months when we started to date, we spent most of our time together talking about entering into a suicide pact together. At the beginning of June, 2011, Allan and I tried to hang ourselves. We were together, and where we were, we were only a meter apart when we took that big step with ropes around our necks. As it was only 12-months since my previous attempt, my neck wasn't fully healed, and I re-broke it in the same joint area that I broke before. Allan also suffered the same neck injury. Like me, it was the second time he broke his neck.

I was in a coma for six weeks! Allan for five! Again, we both spent a very long period of time in the hospital. Finally, we were both deemed OK to leave. Last June, 2012, almost exactly to the day of our previous attempts, we tried again. Again, my neck broke. And so did Allan's! Unfortunately, I survived! Allan was still alive when our bodies were found and cut down, but he died within like a half-hour after we were cut down. I was in a coma until the end of July, and was deemed Ok when I was released just before Christmas.

Am I clear? Hardly! I have a new boyfriend, and he too is a suicide! He had last attempted suicide about the same time Allan and I did last June. We have actually met through a new job I have!

my point of all this is that, no, the thoughts of killing myself never leave my head! When I first met my new boyfriend, he joked that the only way for me to get thoughts of killing myself to leave my head would be to cut off my head! He also says that about himself! Are the thoughts stronger at certain times? No, they are strong all the time. And counselling is not helping. So, who knows, maybe I will and maybe I won't try again. Actually, I know I will try again! When is the real question! And, as with my last two attempts, I will have someone with me to die with me. I hope!

[Kandy]

First, Ashley, I like your comment about the only way to get suicidal thoughts out of your head would be to have your head cut off! I like it because I think about what it would be like to feel the sensations as my head is being cut off! When I was 4-years old, my mother, who was 20, was beheaded. Her head was cut off by having her neck slashed five times. Since I was 8, like I said, I started to wonder what went through her head each time as she felt the knife slice across her neck, how long she sensed things after her head was fully severed, and what was her final thought when she finally lost all senses and succumbed to death.

Too, my father was hanged. It was quite bizarre the way it happened, but, on the night before his 16th birthday, he and my mother engaged in sexual intercourse to celebrate his birthday. That single sex act got my mother pregnant, and I would be born on my mother's 16th birthday! However, my father never saw me be born, as, only hours after that magic moment, he was found hanged in his parent's basement. When he was found, dad was totally nude, and he had broken his neck. It was a few days later when mom found out she was pregnant!

What a start to my life! How couldn't I become suicidal! Too, about that time when I was 8, I realised that I like Ashley, wasn't "normal"! I too am transgendered, a girl in a boy's body! And, I'm Gay! The suicide thing wasn't totally to kill myself, although, mostly, it has been. And, I play a dangerous extreme asphyxia game called The Choking Game. I love to be strangled during any kind of sexual activity, even if it's making out (sex without intercourse). Too, I like tightening a chord, scarf, or rope around my neck and suspending myself to get a sexual buzz. I have had several near-death experiences. Three times, I was hanged for so long that my heart stopped. And twice, so far, I broke my neck, once, in June of 2009, when I was 14, and again in June of 2011, when I was 16. In September of 2010, my boyfriend was strangled to death when he tied a scarf around his neck, and tied the other end around a post on his bed, He then sat down on the floor. The scarf was tied so that, when he sat, the scarf suspended him so his butt was far enough off the floor that as his hands hung by his sides, he couldn't touch the floor. His legs were stretched straight out! About 18-months ago, I started to date a much older boy. He was 7-years older and loved to strangle me whenever we had any sexual activity together. Several times, he nearly strangled me to death! And every time, I offered no resistance as he squeezed my neck! And, although I am Gay, I have had several "experiences" with members of the opposite sex where they also tried to strangle me!

Now, I am dating not one, but two, other boys, both my age. One is three months older, while the other is seven weeks younger. We are all three Gay (obviously), and we are all three Transgendered! How much of a coincidence is that, to find, and fall in love with, two other boys who are Transgendered and Gay! We are a perfect trio! Especially since, in addition to being Gay and Transgendered, we are also all three very suicidal!

As Ashley also said, it makes for a dangerous combination! We all talk openly about killing ourselves, and talk openly about a pact!

Where I am concerned, the thought of killing myself is very prevalent in my head! I have thought about my own death now for the better part of 10-years. I am not scared to die either! I even embrace the thought of death. As I said, I have been in situations where someone was trying to kill me, and I offered no resistance. I don't think I'll ever get those thoughts and desires to kill myself out of my head! Unless, of course, someone were to cut my head off! Then, my goal is achieved!

On Thursday, February 28, 2013 12:58:48 PM UTC-5, Ashley D. wrote: