A straightaway posting of the weakly faq!

[William A. Wilkinson]

So it's a day late again. But, in honour of Spatch's Birthday, here it is
with chicken lips prepended to each line!

On Mon, 14 Jan 2013 20:03:44 -0600, William A. Wilkinson wrote:

> The alt.stupidity.spatch FAQ
> Ver. 2010
> Written by Adam Jewell (amp), Chester Karma, and Bill Wilkinson.
> (Plus 15 minutes of fame by John Lodder.)
> Created 11/29/98...Hey! that's my sister's birthday!
> Last modified 07/23/10 by Bill Wilkinson.
>
> `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-
>
> "Kinda like alt.stupidity, but...well, kinda like alt.stupidity."
>
> \|/
> -POP- Hi!
> /|\
>
> Bill Wilkinson here. CkCk and amp wrote the early versions of this FAQ.
> Since those two have disappeared into the Shadows, I've taken over the
> FAQ and--in an anal sort of way--tried to add stuff to it and tie it all
> together so that it all makes sense. I think you'll agree that the
> resulting patchwork can be compared to one of Mary Shelley's worst
> nightmares.
>
>
> TABLE OF CONTENTS
>
> 1. Introduction 2. Who designed that neat ASCII sine wave?
> 3. Can I read amp's version of this FAQ?
> 4. Who wrote the original alt.stupidity.spatch FAQ?
> 5. Why are you now maintaining it?
> 6. Why does Spatch sign himself tv's Spatch?
> 7. Why doesn't Spatch post to alt.stupidity.spatch?
> 8. Okay, here's the ObQuestion: Who are the regulars in a.s.s?
> 9. That's it? No Web links or anything? Not even a clever closing
> statement?
> 10. Who is the Hairnet Man?
> 11. Why all this talk about Hairnet Man? This is supposed to be a FAQ
> about Spatch!
> 12. When is Spatch's birthday?
> 13. Spatch is on MySpace?
> 14. Spatch is on Facebook?
> 15. Have there been any Spatch sightings lately?
>
> `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-
>
> 1. INTRODUCTION
>
> Allow me to introduce myself.
>
> (Bill hands you his card. You look at it. It is blank except
> for the words "My Card.")
>
> `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-
>
> 2. WHO DESIGNED THAT NEAT ASCII SINE WAVE?
>
> Amp did.
>
> 2.A. Who's amp?
>
> He's one crazy Irishman. Don't mess with him.
>
> He also semi-wrote the original version of this FAQ because
> Chester Karma Chester Karma took so much time before writing it
> himself.
>
> `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-
>
> 3. Can I read amp's version of this FAQ?
>
> SURE! Just read the following and avoid the bouncing ball!
>
> 3.A. The following is an update to amp's portion of the FAQ. It
> looked okay to me, but he wanted it updated and he is--after
> all--one of the original authors. Here's his reasoning,
> followed by the update. Sheesh. :-)
>
> >25 Sep 2000 Hello Bill old chap, what ho and all that jazz.
> >
> >I noticed that the part of the FAQ I originally wrote had got
> >borked in the formatting department cos the line width I
> >orginally used was too long. So through a huge personal effort
> >and sacrafice I have done a wee tidy on it.
> >
> >amp
>
> `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-
> `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-
> (amp speaketh)
> Finally after a million billion years of waiting I present, the
> alt.stupidity.spatch FAQ!!!!!
> _________ _________ _________
> / ___ / / ____ / / ____ /
> / /__/ / / /___/_/ / /___/_/
> / ___ / /_____ / /_____ /
> / / / / / /___/ / / /___/ / ... and bacon
> /__/ /__/*/________/*/________/* Version
> Orange.banana.0 The Best ASS FAQ You'll Ever Get!(tm)
> (Temporarily maintained by amp until Chester gets back)
>
> `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-
> ``'-.,_
> amp: Hi, I'm your host amp and for the next couple of pages we'll be
> looking at your newsservers ASS. Its mystery, its intrigue, the death
> and the mutilation to name but a few words that happened to pop into my
> head. With me are some of the cast of ASS in their virtual form. In
> other words it's like I'm making them up. WHICH IS ACTUALLY THE
> CASE!!!! Isn't that right Ross?
> Ross: No.
> amp: So I'm not making you up.
> Ross: Yes. But I am making you up.
> amp: I'm confused now. But that's just what your ASS is all about.
> Isn't that right Bill?
> Bill: No.
> amp: What?
> Bill: Exactly.
> amp: Umm... And now we must answer the question. Where? why? what?
> who? and most importantly Huh? (tm Nosy). To answer that question of
> Where? we must first look at alt.stupidity. Where is it? It's on
> Antelope Freeway. So, Per, does this mean your ASS is on a road leading
> off this Freeway?
> Per: hmm... about half a henway.
> amp: What's a henway?
> Per: Three trillion triangular tons.
> amp: Nice alliteration.
> Per: Thanks, I try.
> amp: Ok, now that we've sorted out the Where? we must now ask
> ourselves WHY!!!??? WHY, SPATCHDAMMMIT IT!!!??? WHY!!!??
> Spatch: There's no need for me to dammmit amp. It's already dammmed!
> Besides look through the magic webpage hole in this post:
>
> From http://www.spatch.net/doing.html
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Yes, I've got a newsgroup of my own. It's not a vanity thing, it
> happened one night on IRC when Tjames Madison (of alt.usenet.tjames
> fame) and I were really bored and he newgrouped it.
> Contrary to popular belief, it was discussed on
> alt.config for like all of 2 posts, in the middle of a big old
> crosspost tirade. Ohwell. Anyhow, this group is propagated enough,
> and Chester Karma himself is writing the FAQ for me. I wonder what
> will be on it. I guess we'll find out together.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> amp: Thanks Spatch. That's made it all clear now. We are indeed
> finding out together. It's almost like a Christmas Coca-cola ad
> (with capybara's instead of polar-bears). Hopefully your not so
> virtual self will give the nod to this ASS FAQ.
> Moving on to the question of What? What exactly goes on
> in your ASS?
> Magnus: More or less what goes on in alt.stupidity only with a
> slightly more orangey tang to it.
> John: I'd have said more like, honeysuckle.
> Paal: Ironing boardy, definitely ironing boardy Cabbage: People, people!
> IT'S A BISCUIT! NOT, I REPEAT, NOT, A BAR!
>
> *Panic ensues*
>
> amp: Well now it's time for the ASS FAQ to go to bed. We hope you
> enjoyed your time here and please, don't have nightmares. Also if
> you got some get rich schemes or flamewars why not put them in your
> ASS?!
>
> `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'
>
> For possibly a longer, better and certainly funnier FAQ but with out all
> the silly ASS references try:
> http://www.lib.ox.ac.uk/internet/news/faq/archive/stupidity.faq.html
> It's Spatchtastic!
>
> --
> __ ______________________________________________________________
> \ \/ __"Siant V Tar The World!!!" Anti-Jn General Amp of Mars \
> \ / \v4.03|McQ!McD! McBOOOOOM! - http://homepages.iol.ie/~adamj \
> \/ ³¬ \PANEITY: The state of being bread- Chambers Eng. Dictionary\
>
> `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-
> `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-
>
> 4. Who wrote the original alt.stupidity.spatch FAQ?
>
> Chester Karma Chester Karma write it.
>
> Heads up! Here it comes!!!
>
> `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-
> `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-
>
> The long-awaited alt.stupidity.spatch FAQ
>
> Author: Chester Karma
>
> I've spent the last 2 years of my life in Tibet, researching and
> collecting data for use in this FAQ! It's my magnum opus!
> It's my War And Peace! It's my USA Today!!!!!
>
> And now, the moment you've all been waiting for...
> The alt.stupidity.spatch FAQ!
>
>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
> The alt.stupidity.spatch FAQ
> version 1.0
>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Q1. What's all this, then?
>
> A1. It's alt.stupidity.spatch, duh.
>
>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> cK - who feels as if a great weight has been lifted off his shoulders
>
> `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-
> `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-
>
> Thank you, cKcK. Bill here, again.
>
> Now, on with the rest of the frequently-asked questions...
>
> `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-
>
> 5. Why are you now maintaining it?
>
> Maintaining what?
>
> 5.A. The alt.stupidity.spatch FAQ, idiot.
>
> Becasue.
>
> 5.B. Oh.
>
> `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-
>
> 6. Why does Spatch sign himself as tv's Spatch?
>
> Funny you should ask. On 1/13/00, Spatch sed this about that:
>
> "The name Spatch comes from the abbreviation for spatula; the
> tv's comes from MST3K and the fact that we had that cable access
> show for a while."
>
> `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-
>
> 7. Why doesn't Spatch post to alt.stupidity.spatch?
>
> As of 01/17/00, his ISP didn't carry the newsgroup. You can
> occasionally find him in the alt.stupidity froup, though.
>
> 12/02/00: Sometime a few months ago he slapped somebody there upside
> the hed with a slab of bacon and now he can post here.
>
> `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-
>
> 8. Okay, here's the ObQuestion: Who are the regulars in a.s.s?
>
> I was waiting for that to come up. It's a short list since very few
> people know about us.
>
> * amp
>
> From alt.stupidity. Doesn't post much anymore.
>
> * Bill Wilkinson
>
> From alt.stupidity. Posts far too often.
>
> * Chester Karma (if that's his Real name)
>
> CkCk. From alt.stupidity. Doesn't post much anymore.
>
> * Jen
>
> twtsmom is the Ambassador to alt.stupidity.spatch from
> alt.smouldering.dog.zone.
>
> 8.A. Huh? (tm Nosy) twtsmom? Ambassador?
>
> The Wonder Toddler's Mom.
>
> Let's just say for now that a.s.s. and a.s.d.z. almost got
> into a flame war once, but then decided that we liked each
> other. More information will be forthcoming once all the
> documents have been declassified.
>
> 8.B. By popular demand, Jen is now a naturalized official
> spatch.stoopidian. The first in this Froup who can claim dual
> citizenship here and in the Zone (12/02/2000).
>
> * Jesper Nilsson
>
> Signs himself Anti-JN since Stoopidian Jason Nafziger claimed to be
> JN. Several years ago, Anti-JN designed the critter that now graces
> the proposed alt.stupidity flag that various people think is a
> hamster, a rat, or a seagull. He claims that it's merely #4 in a
> series of fluffy things he'd like hanging on his wall.
>
> * Jessica Augustsson
>
> Jez has been posting to alt.stupidity and alt.stupidity.spatch for
> years and years and years. For reasons unknown to me, I haven't
> put her into the FAQ until now. Perhaps my sudden change of heart
> is due to John Lodder giving me a hard time about it. Or maybe it
> was the growing uneasiness that Jez would stop liking me and
> subsequently shorten my life span.
>
> Anyway, Jez is a scholar, a citizen of both the United States and
> Sweden (something Anti-JN can't claim), and a multi-lingual expert
> on Jabberwocky. One of her all-time greatest accomplishments was
> her recent (3/7/03) putdown of Bucketmouth: "Don't listen to him,
> John. He drives on the wrong side of the road." (I can say things
> like that, cause he never reads this froup anyway.)
>
> * John Patrick Lodder
>
> A veteran of alt.stupidity for at least a decade. Heroically
> attempts to keep sysadmins everywhere from removing a.s.s. from
> their news servers. Though he and Jen have never met, they share
> in common the fact that they've both seen the World's Largest Globe
> of the Earth.
>
> 1/20/01: Sometime around the turn of the century, John and his
> wife, Rochelle, went on vacation to the New England area of the
> United States and met both The Wonder Toddler's Mom and Spatch. A
> fun time was had by all and they had many interesting
> adventures--including the first recorded sighting of the Hairnet
> Man.
>
> * Magnus Mulqvist.
>
> From alt.supidity. Appears about once a week, replies to a lot of
> posts in burst mode, then disappears for another week.
>
> * Mircalla Mordenheim.
>
> The alt.stupidity vampire. Spends her evenings practicing
> astronomy, or something. Among her many accomplishments was to
> help design the alt.stupidity flag. Especially the beaver with the
> axe. Some trivia: According to Per Harald Myrvang, "Mordenheim"
> is Norwegian for "murder a home."
>
> `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-
>
> 9. That's it? No Web links or anything? Not even a clever closing
> statement?
>
> Yup! For now at least. We never close. More later.
>
> Later: Links can be a pain for a FAQ to maintain. Try doing instead
> a search on Googel or whatever the latest sooper-dooper search engine
> is.
>
> `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-
>
> 10. Who is the Hairnet Man?
>
> The Hairnet Man is a kind soul who--when you least expect it--will
> help you when you're stuck in a stupid situation. You can recognize
> him by the the fact that he wears a hair net and hip waders. The
> first officially recorded sighting was reported right here in
> alt.stupidity.spatch and was confirmed by a phone call from John
> Lodder to Bill Wilkinson.
>
> Specifically, John was visiting New England at the turn of the
> millennium and was trying to parallel-park a rented car into a
> difficult spot when the Hairnet Man suddenly appeared and began
> directing traffic for him. When the project was completed, the
> Hairnet Man turned and ran off into a building--never to be seen
> again.
>
> Later, in an AOL-type instant message, Spatch confirmed the
> confirmation and added that it was the strangest event in the area
> that he'd ever heard of. (And that was from someone from the same
> part of the country that produced Lovecraft.)
>
> `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-
>
> 11. Why all this talk about Hairnet Man? This is supposed to be a FAQ
> about Spatch!
>
> Well, strictly speaking, it's a FAQ about Spatch's newsgroup; but
> okay, ask a question about Spatch.
>
> `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-
>
> 12. When is Spatch's birthday?
>
> According to this post, it occurs on or about January 21st:
>
> From: spa...@retina.net (tv's Spatch)
> Subject: Re: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLOOOOO Date: 1996/01/21
> Message-ID: <DLIr0...@news.zippo.com>#1/1 sender:
> use...@news.zippo.com references: <30FAD3...@stinky.winkie>
> <4dk16n
> $f...@vassun.vassar.edu>
> organization: Giant Toad Supermarket reply-to:
> spa...@retina.net newsgroups: alt.stupidity
>
> nos...@vassar.edu (Flapjack) writ:
>
> >flapjack-who recalls a Beckett play called "Breath" which, at
> thirty
> >seconds holds the record for shortest play ever
>
> Well, for a quantum physicist, he's pretty hot shit, but for a
> playwright,
> he's pretty sucky.
>
> - spatch, working on his birfday beer -
>
> --
> tv's Spatch, MSTie #43790 and the fifth Banana Split "Frank,
> this is science, not Romper Room." - Dr. Clayton Forrester "And
> he dug up her grave and built a cage with her bones." - W.
> "Growl" Zevon
> PAT BOONE MUST DIE. http://uptown.turnpike.net/S/spatula
>
> And, according to MySpace, he was 32 years old in 2007, so it
> follows
> that
> he was born on January 21, 1975. We think.
>
> `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-
>
> 13. Spatch is on MySpace?
>
> Yes. <URL:http://www.myspace.com/derspatchel> But he doesn't show
> up there too often. Not only that, he's also on Facebook. (Go on,
> ask
> it. You
> know you want to.)
>
> `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-
>
> 14. Spatch is on Facebook?
>
> I knew it! Yes! Look for <URL:http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/
> spatch>
>
>
> `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-
>
> 15. Say, USENET is getting awfully quiet--and Spatch almost never shows
> up here
> or anywhere else. Have there been any Spatch sightings lately?
>
> Funny you should ask that. John Lodder (of April in England fame)
> saw
> him on a
> train platform in Chicago, during the Summer of 2010. Not like one
> of
> those
> unconfirmable Elvis sightings, though. NosireeBob! Spatch was
> passing through
> town and twitted Lodder. Here's the story in John's own words:
>
> `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'
> "Spatch was riding coasters at Six Flags Great America in Gurnee,
> IL. Due
> to an Amtrak schedule change, he had an extra day in Chicago. He
> and a
> friend went looking for remanants of the 1893 Columbian
> Exposition,
> which
> he tweeted. We then arranged over Twitter to meet at a nearby
> Metra
> train
> station. Neither party recognized the other at first and Hairnet
> Man did
> not appear (sigh).
>
> We had 15 minutes before their train to chat: who's still posting
> in alt.stupidity, stupidians found on Facebook, spatch's
> activities
> (writing
> radio plays, coaster stuff, visiting World's Fair sites). Then
> the
> Metra
> train arrived and whisked them off. Whoosh.
>
> john."
> `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'
>
> Alas, no one took pictures.
>
> `'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-.,_,.-'``'-
>
> If you have suggestions about the alt.stupidity.faq (no flames or
> profanity, please), email them to me at wxw...@mindspring.com. Put
> ALT.STUPIDITY.SPATCH FAQ in the Subject: line, or I might delete it
> without reading it. Since there's too much spam out there, you might
> also want to politely ask the spamkiller bot standing guard at the door
> permission to contact me.
>
> --Bill
>
> Copyright 1998-2000, 2001-2007, Bill Wilkinson. Portions of this FAQ
> are the property of the authors identified within.

==================================


--Bill
--
The World Wide Web is the hugest vanity press
in the history of the human race!
http://billwilkinson.home.mindspring.com/index.html

[John Lodder]

In article <09-dnbeVuPh7MGDN...@earthlink.com>,

William A. Wilkinson <billwi...@mindBOINGspring.com> wrote:
>So it's a day late again. But, in honour of Spatch's Birthday, here it is
>with chicken lips prepended to each line!

You know what they say: chicken lips sink ships. OK, so maybe they don't
say that. But they might, if they knew.
--
"Oh, to be in England now that April's there" --RB
My opinions are mine. All mine. Replete with very me.