I have no nose and I must scheme.

[William A. Wilkinson]

No wait. That's not it.

In the meantime, this isn't it, either.



===================================

The alt.stupidity.spatch FAQ
Ver. 2010
Written by Adam Jewell (amp), Chester Karma, and Bill Wilkinson.
(Plus 15 minutes of fame by John Lodder.)
Created 11/29/98...Hey! that's my sister's birthday!
Last modified 07/23/10 by Bill Wilkinson.

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"Kinda like alt.stupidity, but...well, kinda like alt.stupidity."

\|/
-POP- Hi!
/|\

Bill Wilkinson here. CkCk and amp wrote the early versions of this
FAQ. Since those two have disappeared into the Shadows, I've taken
over the FAQ and--in an anal sort of way--tried to add stuff to it
and tie it all together so that it all makes sense. I think you'll
agree that the resulting patchwork can be compared to one of Mary
Shelley's worst nightmares.


TABLE OF CONTENTS

1. Introduction
2. Who designed that neat ASCII sine wave?
3. Can I read amp's version of this FAQ?
4. Who wrote the original alt.stupidity.spatch FAQ?
5. Why are you now maintaining it?
6. Why does Spatch sign himself tv's Spatch?
7. Why doesn't Spatch post to alt.stupidity.spatch?
8. Okay, here's the ObQuestion: Who are the regulars in a.s.s?
9. That's it? No Web links or anything? Not even a clever closing
statement?
10. Who is the Hairnet Man?
11. Why all this talk about Hairnet Man? This is supposed to be a FAQ
about Spatch!
12. When is Spatch's birthday?
13. Spatch is on MySpace?
14. Spatch is on Facebook?
15. Have there been any Spatch sightings lately?

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1. INTRODUCTION

Allow me to introduce myself.

(Bill hands you his card. You look at it. It is blank except
for the words "My Card.")

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2. WHO DESIGNED THAT NEAT ASCII SINE WAVE?

Amp did.

2.A. Who's amp?

He's one crazy Irishman. Don't mess with him.

He also semi-wrote the original version of this FAQ because
Chester Karma Chester Karma took so much time before writing
it himself.

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3. Can I read amp's version of this FAQ?

SURE! Just read the following and avoid the bouncing ball!

3.A. The following is an update to amp's portion of the FAQ. It
looked okay to me, but he wanted it updated and he is--after
all--one of the original authors. Here's his reasoning,
followed by the update. Sheesh. :-)

>25 Sep 2000
>Hello Bill old chap, what ho and all that jazz.
>
>I noticed that the part of the FAQ I originally
>wrote had got borked in the formatting department cos
>the line width I orginally used was too long. So
>through a huge personal effort and sacrafice I have
>done a wee tidy on it.
>
>amp

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(amp speaketh)
Finally after a million billion years of waiting I present, the
alt.stupidity.spatch FAQ!!!!!
_________ _________ _________
/ ___ / / ____ / / ____ /
/ /__/ / / /___/_/ / /___/_/
/ ___ / /_____ / /_____ /
/ / / / / /___/ / / /___/ / ... and bacon
/__/ /__/*/________/*/________/* Version Orange.banana.0
The Best ASS FAQ You'll Ever Get!(tm)
(Temporarily maintained by amp until Chester gets back)

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``'-.,_
amp: Hi, I'm your host amp and for the next couple of pages we'll be
looking at your newsservers ASS. Its mystery, its intrigue, the death
and the mutilation to name but a few words that happened to pop into
my head. With me are some of the cast of ASS in their virtual form.
In other words it's like I'm making them up. WHICH IS ACTUALLY THE
CASE!!!! Isn't that right Ross?
Ross: No.
amp: So I'm not making you up.
Ross: Yes. But I am making you up.
amp: I'm confused now. But that's just what your ASS is all about.
Isn't that right Bill?
Bill: No.
amp: What?
Bill: Exactly.
amp: Umm... And now we must answer the question. Where? why? what?
who? and most importantly Huh? (tm Nosy). To answer that question
of Where? we must first look at alt.stupidity. Where is it? It's
on Antelope Freeway. So, Per, does this mean your ASS is on a road
leading off this Freeway?
Per: hmm... about half a henway.
amp: What's a henway?
Per: Three trillion triangular tons.
amp: Nice alliteration.
Per: Thanks, I try.
amp: Ok, now that we've sorted out the Where? we must now ask
ourselves WHY!!!??? WHY, SPATCHDAMMMIT IT!!!??? WHY!!!??
Spatch: There's no need for me to dammmit amp. It's already dammmed!
Besides look through the magic webpage hole in this post:

From http://www.spatch.net/doing.html
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yes, I've got a newsgroup of my own. It's not a vanity thing,
it happened one night on IRC when Tjames Madison
(of alt.usenet.tjames fame) and I were really bored and he
newgrouped it.
Contrary to popular belief, it was discussed on
alt.config for like all of 2 posts, in the middle of a big
old crosspost tirade. Ohwell. Anyhow, this group is propagated
enough, and Chester Karma himself is writing the FAQ
for me. I wonder what will be on it. I guess we'll find out
together.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

amp: Thanks Spatch. That's made it all clear now. We are indeed
finding out together. It's almost like a Christmas Coca-cola
ad (with capybara's instead of polar-bears). Hopefully your
not so virtual self will give the nod to this ASS FAQ.
Moving on to the question of What? What exactly goes on
in your ASS?
Magnus: More or less what goes on in alt.stupidity only with a
slightly more orangey tang to it.
John: I'd have said more like, honeysuckle.
Paal: Ironing boardy, definitely ironing boardy
Cabbage: People, people! IT'S A BISCUIT! NOT, I REPEAT, NOT, A BAR!

*Panic ensues*

amp: Well now it's time for the ASS FAQ to go to bed. We hope you
enjoyed your time here and please, don't have nightmares. Also
if you got some get rich schemes or flamewars why not put them
in your ASS?!

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For possibly a longer, better and certainly funnier FAQ but with out
all the silly ASS references try:
http://www.lib.ox.ac.uk/internet/news/faq/archive/stupidity.faq.html
It's Spatchtastic!

--
__ ______________________________________________________________
\ \/ __"Siant V Tar The World!!!" Anti-Jn General Amp of Mars \
\ / \v4.03|McQ!McD! McBOOOOOM! - http://homepages.iol.ie/~adamj \
\/ ³¬ \PANEITY: The state of being bread- Chambers Eng. Dictionary\

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4. Who wrote the original alt.stupidity.spatch FAQ?

Chester Karma Chester Karma write it.

Heads up! Here it comes!!!

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The long-awaited alt.stupidity.spatch FAQ

Author: Chester Karma

I've spent the last 2 years of my life in Tibet, researching
and collecting data for use in this FAQ! It's my magnum opus!
It's my War And Peace! It's my USA Today!!!!!

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for...
The alt.stupidity.spatch FAQ!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The alt.stupidity.spatch FAQ
version 1.0
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q1. What's all this, then?

A1. It's alt.stupidity.spatch, duh.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

cK - who feels as if a great weight has been lifted off his shoulders

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Thank you, cKcK. Bill here, again.

Now, on with the rest of the frequently-asked questions...

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5. Why are you now maintaining it?

Maintaining what?

5.A. The alt.stupidity.spatch FAQ, idiot.

Becasue.

5.B. Oh.

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6. Why does Spatch sign himself as tv's Spatch?

Funny you should ask. On 1/13/00, Spatch sed this about that:

"The name Spatch comes from the abbreviation for spatula; the
tv's comes from MST3K and the fact that we had that cable access
show for a while."

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7. Why doesn't Spatch post to alt.stupidity.spatch?

As of 01/17/00, his ISP didn't carry the newsgroup. You can
occasionally find him in the alt.stupidity froup, though.

12/02/00: Sometime a few months ago he slapped somebody there
upside the hed with a slab of bacon and now he can post here.

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8. Okay, here's the ObQuestion: Who are the regulars in a.s.s?

I was waiting for that to come up. It's a short list since very
few people know about us.

* amp

From alt.stupidity. Doesn't post much anymore.

* Bill Wilkinson

From alt.stupidity. Posts far too often.

* Chester Karma (if that's his Real name)

CkCk. From alt.stupidity. Doesn't post much anymore.

* Jen

twtsmom is the Ambassador to alt.stupidity.spatch from
alt.smouldering.dog.zone.

8.A. Huh? (tm Nosy) twtsmom? Ambassador?

The Wonder Toddler's Mom.

Let's just say for now that a.s.s. and a.s.d.z. almost got
into a flame war once, but then decided that we liked each
other. More information will be forthcoming once all the
documents have been declassified.

8.B. By popular demand, Jen is now a naturalized official
spatch.stoopidian. The first in this Froup who can claim
dual citizenship here and in the Zone (12/02/2000).

* Jesper Nilsson

Signs himself Anti-JN since Stoopidian Jason Nafziger claimed to
be JN. Several years ago, Anti-JN designed the critter that now
graces the proposed alt.stupidity flag that various people think
is a hamster, a rat, or a seagull. He claims that it's merely #4
in a series of fluffy things he'd like hanging on his wall.

* Jessica Augustsson

Jez has been posting to alt.stupidity and alt.stupidity.spatch for
years and years and years. For reasons unknown to me, I haven't
put her into the FAQ until now. Perhaps my sudden change of heart
is due to John Lodder giving me a hard time about it. Or maybe it
was the growing uneasiness that Jez would stop liking me and
subsequently shorten my life span.

Anyway, Jez is a scholar, a citizen of both the United States and
Sweden (something Anti-JN can't claim), and a multi-lingual expert
on Jabberwocky. One of her all-time greatest accomplishments was
her recent (3/7/03) putdown of Bucketmouth: "Don't listen to him,
John. He drives on the wrong side of the road." (I can say things
like that, cause he never reads this froup anyway.)

* John Patrick Lodder

A veteran of alt.stupidity for at least a decade. Heroically
attempts to keep sysadmins everywhere from removing a.s.s. from
their news servers. Though he and Jen have never met, they share
in common the fact that they've both seen the World's Largest
Globe of the Earth.

1/20/01: Sometime around the turn of the century, John and his
wife, Rochelle, went on vacation to the New England area of
the United States and met both The Wonder Toddler's Mom and
Spatch. A fun time was had by all and they had many interesting
adventures--including the first recorded sighting of the
Hairnet Man.

* Magnus Mulqvist.

From alt.supidity. Appears about once a week, replies to a lot
of posts in burst mode, then disappears for another week.

* Mircalla Mordenheim.

The alt.stupidity vampire. Spends her evenings practicing
astronomy, or something. Among her many accomplishments was
to help design the alt.stupidity flag. Especially the beaver
with the axe. Some trivia: According to Per Harald Myrvang,
"Mordenheim" is Norwegian for "murder a home."

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9. That's it? No Web links or anything? Not even a clever closing
statement?

Yup! For now at least. We never close. More later.

Later: Links can be a pain for a FAQ to maintain. Try doing
instead a search on Googel or whatever the latest sooper-dooper
search engine is.

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10. Who is the Hairnet Man?

The Hairnet Man is a kind soul who--when you least expect it--will
help you when you're stuck in a stupid situation. You can recognize
him by the the fact that he wears a hair net and hip waders. The
first officially recorded sighting was reported right here in
alt.stupidity.spatch and was confirmed by a phone call from John
Lodder to Bill Wilkinson.

Specifically, John was visiting New England at the turn of the
millennium and was trying to parallel-park a rented car into a
difficult spot when the Hairnet Man suddenly appeared and began
directing traffic for him. When the project was completed, the
Hairnet Man turned and ran off into a building--never to be
seen again.

Later, in an AOL-type instant message, Spatch confirmed the
confirmation and added that it was the strangest event in the
area that he'd ever heard of. (And that was from someone from
the same part of the country that produced Lovecraft.)

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11. Why all this talk about Hairnet Man? This is supposed to be a FAQ
about Spatch!

Well, strictly speaking, it's a FAQ about Spatch's newsgroup; but
okay, ask a question about Spatch.

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12. When is Spatch's birthday?

According to this post, it occurs on or about January 21st:

From: spa...@retina.net (tv's Spatch)
Subject: Re: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLOOOOO
Date: 1996/01/21
Message-ID: <DLIr0...@news.zippo.com>#1/1
sender: use...@news.zippo.com
references: <30FAD3...@stinky.winkie> <4dk16n
$f...@vassun.vassar.edu>
organization: Giant Toad Supermarket
reply-to: spa...@retina.net
newsgroups: alt.stupidity

nos...@vassar.edu (Flapjack) writ:

>flapjack-who recalls a Beckett play called "Breath" which, at
thirty
>seconds holds the record for shortest play ever

Well, for a quantum physicist, he's pretty hot shit, but for a
playwright,
he's pretty sucky.

- spatch, working on his birfday beer -

--
tv's Spatch, MSTie #43790 and the fifth Banana Split
"Frank, this is science, not Romper Room." - Dr. Clayton Forrester
"And he dug up her grave and built a cage with her bones." - W.
"Growl" Zevon
PAT BOONE MUST DIE. http://uptown.turnpike.net/S/spatula

And, according to MySpace, he was 32 years old in 2007, so it follows
that
he was born on January 21, 1975. We think.

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13. Spatch is on MySpace?

Yes. <URL:http://www.myspace.com/derspatchel> But he doesn't show up
there too often. Not only that, he's also on Facebook. (Go on, ask
it. You
know you want to.)

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14. Spatch is on Facebook?

I knew it! Yes! Look for <URL:http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/
spatch>


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15. Say, USENET is getting awfully quiet--and Spatch almost never shows up
here
or anywhere else. Have there been any Spatch sightings lately?

Funny you should ask that. John Lodder (of April in England fame) saw
him on a
train platform in Chicago, during the Summer of 2010. Not like one of
those
unconfirmable Elvis sightings, though. NosireeBob! Spatch was
passing through
town and twitted Lodder. Here's the story in John's own words:

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"Spatch was riding coasters at Six Flags Great America in Gurnee,
IL. Due
to an Amtrak schedule change, he had an extra day in Chicago. He
and a
friend went looking for remanants of the 1893 Columbian Exposition,
which
he tweeted. We then arranged over Twitter to meet at a nearby Metra
train
station. Neither party recognized the other at first and Hairnet
Man did
not appear (sigh).

We had 15 minutes before their train to chat: who's still posting in
alt.stupidity, stupidians found on Facebook, spatch's activities
(writing
radio plays, coaster stuff, visiting World's Fair sites). Then the
Metra
train arrived and whisked them off. Whoosh.

john."
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Alas, no one took pictures.

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If you have suggestions about the alt.stupidity.faq (no flames or
profanity, please), email them to me at wxw...@mindspring.com. Put
ALT.STUPIDITY.SPATCH FAQ in the Subject: line, or I might delete it
without reading it. Since there's too much spam out there, you might
also want to politely ask the spamkiller bot standing guard at the door
permission to contact me.

--Bill

Copyright 1998-2000, 2001-2007, Bill Wilkinson. Portions of this FAQ
are the property of the authors identified within.

===================================


--Bill
--
The World Wide Web is the hugest vanity press
in the history of the human race!
http://billwilkinson.home.mindspring.com/index.html

[John Lodder]

In article <F6udnU-GmtPk4YXM...@earthlink.com>,

William A. Wilkinson <billwi...@mindBOINGspring.com> wrote:
>No wait. That's not it.
>
>In the meantime, this isn't it, either.

It'll do, though. It'll do.
--
"Oh, to be in England now that April's there" --RB
My opinions are mine. All mine. Replete with very me.