[ASC REPOST]PARO:DS9:PantsFell 2/5
Drakken
A NIGHT IN HELL (OR: ODO, WITH LWAXANA, IN HIS QUARTERS)
(Scene: Odo leads the ambassador to his quarters, all the while
listening to her complain about "that awful Captain Sisko." Sisko and
Picard covertly (or not so covertly, considering the amount of Irish
whiskey consumed (more than five bottles between them!)) follow them.)
Lwaxana (screaming back to the lurking pair): "Such thoughts, Jean-Luc!"
Picard: "Is he actually gonna do it? Is he gonna score?"
Sisko (patiently): "It's not really scoring. After all, it IS Lwaxana
Troi."
Picard: "Oh, yeah, I..."
Sisko: "Yes, we know, you forgot."
Picard: "How'd you know?"
(Switch to Odo, in his quarters.)
Lwaxana: "I'm soooo glad you were there to get me out of that awful
brig. Now let me show you my appreciation... Constable..." (attempts to
remove his uniform, only to find that he's not actually wearing one.)
"OK, Constable, now let me show you something. Can you manifest..."
(Whispers something into his ear, or semblance thereof. Odo gets a
terrified look on his face.)
Odo: "Just a second, I have to... take care of something... so that we
will not, uh... be disturbed." (Goes into hall.) "I canna take much more
of this, Captains!" (Finds Picard and Sisko pased out with a bottle of
Romulan ale between them. Making a mental note to damn Quark to the
depths of Ferengi hell (profitlessness!), Odo steps back into the room,
surely to meet his doom.)
Odo (still hoping he can find something to hit her over the head with):
"I am... ready."
(He then manufactures the previously suggested item. The doors close and
there are shrieks of terror (these in a male screech), and a couple of
pleasure (these in a distinctly female scream).)
LATER:
(Odo comes out of his quarters, carrying an extremely large bag, in a
suspiciously humanoid form. Picard and Sisko, who at this point are
beginning to awaken, come stumbling over towards him.)
Odo: "To the airlock, men!"
(The three of them, communicating mostly through grunts and other
uniquely male noises, manage to carry the body, without being seen, to
an airlock on the third level.)
Picard: "As Shakespeare would say, "When she must go, so much will go
with her"."
Sisko: "That wasn't Shakespeare, you dumb ass. It was, uhh... um...
someone else."
(Odo rolls his eyes.)
Odo: "How about "Good Riddance to Bad Rubbish"?"
Picard and Sisko: "Yeah!"
(The body is pushed out the airlock.)
Odo (thoughtfully): "Though I must say, that the experience was
educational..."
(Picard and Sisko look shocked.)
Odo (stiffly covering): "I mean that I found out how much suffering I
can take."
PARTY LIKE IT'S 1999 (OR: WESLEY, UNPROTECTED IN THE BAR, WHEN THE
RIKERS WERE HUMILIATED)
(Scene: Quark's Bar. T. Riker is holding Wesley, who by now is crying
for his mommy ("Mommy! Leave Captain Picard alone and help me!"
Unfortunately for him, but fortunately for the rest of us, she is nowhere
to be seen.), and his smurf doll. His thumb has gone into his mouth, and
he is sucking away furiously. W. Riker approaches, a bat'telh borrowed
from Worf in his hands. He holds it menacingly towards Wesley, and with
one quick slice the young ensign/genius/pain-in-the-ass falls to the
ground, dead. The Rikers dance the dance of joy around the fallen body
and take turns seeing the true damage a real Klingon bat'telh can do upon
human (barely) flesh. Other people in the bar see what is happening and
also begin the dance of joy. Quark declares that drinks are on the house
(but only the first). Morn orders immediately.)
TUG-O-WORF (OR: WORF, HIS UNIFORM SHREDDED)
(Scene: Quark's Bar. Much jubilation in the background.)
Worf (fleeing): "Klingons are *not* love slaves, they are the
*masters*!" (Leaves Kira and Dax, standing there, each holding a
different part of his uniform.)
Kira: "I got his sash!"
Dax: "Huh. *I* got his pants!"
(Loud argument ensues, and then they realize that Worf has escaped their
clutches.)
Kira: "I'll Be Back!"
Dax: "Yeah, ALONE!"
Kira: "NEVER!"
(Both run outside, heading in opposite directions, looking for their
prey. Dax has the tricorder set on wide search and Kira is following her
nose (and you wondered what those wrinkles were for, didn't you?). Worf
is stumbling around, deep scratches on his chest and goose bumps on his
bare legs. He peeks out of Sisko's quarters, where he has taken refuge,
surrounding himself with a complex series of forcefields. Going back in,
he begins to look for new clothes to replace his torn ones. He finds a
pink tutu in Jake's room. Klingons do *not* wear tutus! Worf however is
a desperate man (or Klingon, or whatever). He dons the frilly garment and
then begins to snarl, needing to still *sound* like a warrior. Sisko
then staggers into his quarters, still stone drunk.)
Sisko (oblivious to the tutu): "Hey Worf! Watcha doing here? You ain't
by any chance seen my Sarian brandy, have you?"
Worf (ducking behind a counter): "If I had, I would have drunk it."
Sisko: "Oh, OK. Hate to leave without it, it was such a pain to have to
turn off all those forcefields to get here. The power drain was so
great, we probably won't have forcefields for days. Hope there were no
prisoners in the brig."
(Worf turns several shades lighter and visibly swoons. At this point Dax
and Kira meet up outside the room and force the door.)
Sisko: "Major! Old man! Have either of you seen my Sarian brandy?"
Dax: "Under the couch, Benjamin, now get the hell out of my way."
(Worf takes off sprinting, but, well, sprinting in a tutu is not a task
easily accomplished. He does, however, get some very graceful leaps in.
Sisko digs the brandy out from under the couch as Picard stumbles in.)
Sisko: "Shall we play quarters now?"
Picard: "Yeah, I don't think I'm ready to be sober yet. I'm not
prepared to deal with the consequences of seeing my former security
officer half-nekkid in a torn pink tutu."
(They begin to toss quarters, or an approximation thereof, and it isn't
very successful.)
END OF PART 2