Sound effect: ka-thunk.
DS9 Security Office
The doors to Odo's office slide open to admit a short
balding man carrying a large briefcase. The man steps up and
hoists the briefcase onto Odo's desk.
Odo (looking up from his work): "May I help you?"
"Samuel T. Cogley IV, Attorney at Law, for Door Repair Guy."
"Oh no, you don't. I've fallen for that one before. You're
a shapeshifter, aren't you?"
"I most certainly am not."
"What do you want? Would a nosebleed satisfy you?"
"Yes. Or do you have a better idea?"
"We could stand here arguing about it until one of us turns
to liquid. I assure you I'd win."
"Hmph. I haven't the time for that." He taps his
commbadge. "Odo to Commander Sisko."
*Sisko here. What is it, Constable?*
"I have a being here who claims to be Samuel T. Cogley IV, a
lawyer. I'm about to give him the bum's rush. Do you know any
reason why I shouldn't?"
*For heaven's sake, Odo, he's one of the most famous lawyers
in the Federation! I just greeted him myself here at Ops! Let
him in to see the prisoner!*
"Grrr. All right. In you go. But the file stays here."
Cogley opens the briefcase, takes out a large rasp file, and
throws it on the desk.
They enter the confinement area. Two security guards are
seated in DRG's cell, one handcuffed to him on either side.
"You have a visitor."
DRG sits up. Cogley steps up to the security forcefield and
pokes at it with a pencil. It sparks and shimmers.
Cogley: "Is this really necessary?"
Odo: "Yes, it is. And don't expect me to turn off the
transporter damping field."
Cogley (to Door Repair Guy): "Do you have a lawyer?"
"Jeez, I never thought about that."
"Well, you have one now."
"Does it cost money? Cause I'm broke."
"Not to worry. This should prove to be a groundbreaking
case in a number of ways. Sign over the holosuite simulation
rights and we'll be even."
"Okay, you're on. Hey, wait a minute. Are you any good?
How do I know you've got what it takes?"
Cogley sets the briefcase down and opens it up.
"Do you know what these are?"
DRG cranes to see what's in the case.
Cogley: "Yes, eight-tracks. Hundreds and hundreds of eight-
tracks. That's what you have going for you with me as your
Shot of a beaming DRG holding two thumbs up, much to the
irritation of the two sleep-deprived guards.
An icy asteroid rolls by, spewing cometary material.
"Crawlspace. The final frontier. These are the voyages of
The Door Repair Guy. His mission: to install and maintain
proximity-activated entranceways, to stake out new rooms and new
service conduits -- to boldly go where no one with a pass key has
Deep Space Nine space station drifts into view. A runabout
shoots past, revealing the words:
Star Trek: Door Repair Guy
Door Repair Guy as
James Earl Jones as
The Judge Advocate General
Michael Moriarty as
Jill Hennesy as
Clint Howard as
Samuel T. Cogley IV
Avery Brooks as
Rene Auberjonois as
Natalia Nogulich as
Clyde Kusatsu as
Shot of Lursa and B'Etor pounding a table with their fists.
Quark: "All right, ladies, what'll it be? Warnog? Klingon
bloodwine? Fruit nectar, perhaps?"
Lursa curls her lip.
"Cotes de Duras!"
B'Etor: "Don't make us wait any longer!"
"Cotes de Duras it is."
Shot of the sisters clinking their glasses, downing the
wine, tossing the glasses in opposite directions and grunting
with satisfaction. They turn to the camera.
B'Etor: "Cotes de DuraS."
Lursa: "May your blood scream."]
Shot of a Starfleet officer in dress uniform lifting two
stem-glasses off a waiter's tray and turning toward a cluster of
similarly well-dressed figures across the crowded wardroom. The
camera follows behind him, moves past shoulders and backs as we
catch snippets of shop talk, continues around an elbow and
realizes at the last possible moment that it's heading for a
conclave of ladder-climbing subalterns, spots Commander Sisko in
conversation with the Judge Advocate General out the corner of
the lense, and rapidly changes direction toward them.
Sisko: "The Bozeman has just docked with the last of the
subpoenaed witnesses aboard."
JAG: "Excellent news, Commander."
Sisko: "Security has been stepped up around the holding
area, courtroom and intercommunicating passages, and the station
as a whole will be kept on Yellow Alert for the duration of the
trial. I can guarantee you there will be no unauthorized beam-
outs while my officers are on duty."
JAG: "Commander Sisko, I commend your diligence in support
of these proceedings, but if there's one thing I've learned in
twenty-five years in the JAG office it's that no amount of
planning can deflect an incoming screw-up. Just last month I was
conducting a trial on Starbase 106, and right in the middle of
the defence's summation a piece of space debris vectored in and
took out a courtroom window. If it weren't for the emergency
containment field we'd have all been blown out into space.
Turned out to be a beer bottle. How long it'd been orbiting the
station no one knew. So I'm telling you that as surely as a
verdict will be handed down at the conclusion of this trial, some
damn thing is bound to come up in the interrum and have us all
pulling out our hair."
Sisko: "Perhaps there's some way to avoid that."
JAG (laughs): "Short of shaving your head I don't know
Shot of Sisko considering it.
"Commodore Jones, allow me to introduce Dr Julian Bashir."
"A pleasure, Commodore."
"Doctor. Commander Sisko and I have been discussing the
security arrangements for the upcoming trial. He's concerned
that the accused may find an opportunity to transport himself out
of his keepers' hands and make a getaway. Is there any way that
his Borg implants might be . . . turned off?"
"I'd have to consult with the designer, but in principle I
don't see why not."
"Look into it, like a good fellow. I'll receive your report
at 1800 hours."
"Aye, aye, sir. I'll just go and . . . look into it."
Bashir casts around for some place to put his glass, fails
to locate one, and in the end takes the glass with him out the
door. The Judge Advocate General begins to shake with mirth.
"I love doing that to junior officers."
"I sincerely hope, sir, that you intend to forewarn the
defence before tinkering with the suspect. I'd hate to give them
that sort of ammunition the day before opening statements."
Sisko and Commodore Jones turn to see the Chief Prosecutor
(played by Michael Moriarty).
JAG: "Ah, Commander Benjamin Sisko, allow me to introduce
Commander Benjamin Stone. Commander, Commander."
JAG: "Now, really, gentleman, this is a social occasion."
JAG: "I suppose you know Cogley's on the case."
Stone: "Yes, sir. Hard at work on the first draft of the
holodeck simulation too, I'll bet."
JAG: "Have you seen his last one?"
"I've booked a session in one of the Ferengi holosuites for
1300 hours. Sometimes it's instructive to get a look at what
your opponent thinks he sees when he looks in the mirror."
"And isn't it true that it was really YOU who unscrewed the
cap on the parametric subspace field strength sensor, that it was
YOU who 'accidentally' left the monkey wrench in the
magnetohydrodynamic field trap, and that it was YOU who attached
the commbadge to the back of the xenobiologist's armchair!"
"You have no proof!"
"Let me play back your remarks time-indexed 14.37."
He holds up a portable eight-track player.
*No, sir, there is simply no way on earth that a Markoffian
sea lizard could survive under those G-forces* -- click, wind,
wind, click -- *let alone strangle a man.*
"No way on Earth, true, but this was Setlik III!"
"It's true! I confess! I did it all for love!"
"I rest my case."
"Computer, end simulation."
The courtroom evaporates, leaving Commander Stone and his
Vulcan aide-de-camp Lieutenant T'Gel.
T'Gel: "Impeccable logic."
Stone: "Maybe. But do you really think Cogley looks like
The camera tracks past five Klingon warriors as they draw
their disruptors and open fire. The camera turns and pans down
the length of the shooting galley to the little moving duck, and
then back to the Klingons. Close-up of Klingon Four as his
disruptor runs dry. He snarls at the weapon, throws it to the
ground, and stomps off. The next moment Klingon One does
likewise. Then Klingon Five, and Klingon Three. Klingon Two
aims carefully and blows the little duckie to smithereens (in
slow motion), then howls in victory and knocks the batteries from
the disruptor handle into his palm. Durascell.]
Negotiating Room 03-578
Stone: "Here's the picture. We have multiple eyewitnesses
who place your client on the Gamma Trianguli VI on stardate
49655. We have an inside informant who says the Children of Vaal
had no chance of activating the planet-wide computer net until
they secured the services of a gifted door repairman who provided
them access to an auxiliary control room thus allowing them to
boot up the system and expel the Federation. And we have a
facsimile of a letter in your client's own handwriting in which
he attempts to exculpate himself from these very events."
Odo: "And seventeen counts of noise by-law violation."
Odo: "Well we do."
Cogley: "Gentlemen. You'd better stick with the noise by-
law violations. They're your only hope. Your informant is a
terrorist. The letter is immaterial. And the eyewitnesses
didn't see him do anything."
Stone: "We have the Tamarian."
Cogley: "Just put him in the stand. Forty hours community
Stone: "We're talking about aiding and abetting a terrorist
organization, sabotage and grand treason! Twenty-five years
Cogley packs up his briefcase.
"See you in court."
Deep Space Nine Wardroom
UFP vs Door Repair Guy
Day One: Opening Statements
Ding-ding, ding-ding, ding-ding.
Judge Advocate General: "I now call this court martial to
order. Lieutenant, would you read the charges?"
Lieutenant: "That the defendant did aid and abet a terrorist
organization, namely the Children of Vaal, to overthrown the
lawful government of planet Gamma Trianguli VI and expel 7,451
Federation citizens, causing a combined loss to public and
private purses of approximately four trillion, three hundred and
eighty-nine billion, six hundred and seventy-two million
JAG: "How do you plead?"
DRG: "Well, you see, it's like this --"
Cogley steps on his foot.
Cogley: "Sidebar, your honour."
JAG: "That's what I'm wondering. We haven't been going long
enough for the trial to have a side, Mr Cogley."
"It concerns the Press, your honour."
Commodore Jones looks around the room. Beside him on either
side are Admiral Nechayev and Admiral Nakamura; there's the
lieutenant acting as court secretary; Odo and Sisko; DRG, his two
guards, Cogley, and Cogley's Vulcan assistant T'Gel.
"There is no Press, Mr Cogley."
"Yes. Why have they been excluded?"
"They have not been excluded. They don't care, so they
"Then how do you explain this?"
He holds up a computer pad. Commodore Jones motions him
over and takes it.
JAG: "It says here that the Bolian News Agency's reporter
has been denied access to the trial repeatedly by station
security. Is this true?"
Everyone looks at Odo.
Odo: "I didn't see the necessity of including an outsider."
JAG: "These proceedings are open to public scrutiny. That
Stone: "Commodore, I would submit that you would not wish to
forego the option of going in camera at a later time."
"In camera? When?"
"A little later."
"Do you care to elaborate?"
"Not at this time, sir."
Cogley: "If the Prosecution is planning to spring something
I'd like to remind them of the rules about discovery of evidence.
I'm entitled to advance knowledge of all witnesses."
JAG: "One thing at a time, Mr Cogley. Mr Stone, the trial
is open to the public until I say it's not. Mr Ono."
"Odo. Please contact the Bolian News Agency immediately and
inform them that they are free to attend these proceedings."
"The Bolian's in the corridor."
"Then let him in."
Odo goes to the door and admits the blue reporter who
smiles, waves, and slips into the back row.
DRG to T'Gel: "This is going well. Now we'll have the full
weight of Bolian public opinion on our side for sure."
T'Gel, uncharacteristically for a Vulcan, turns her head
away and rolls her eyes heavenward.
JAG: "Now, Mr Stone. Anyone who's ever been in a holosuite
knows that the Prosecutor is not entitled to surprise witnesses."
Stone: "It goes to the defendant's credibility, your
"Your honour, we have yet to present our opening statement.
We cannot be expected to discuss evidence at this early stage."
Commodore Jones leans forward and looks at his antique
"Eight minutes into the trial and you're already behind, Mr
DRG pumps his fist: "Yes! Hey, ouch!"
"Okay and back to Door Repair Guy in a minute but first--"
There's a percussive jolt knocking the couch off the floor
and Bob off the couch. The camera swings 120 degrees and focuses
on the figure of Megabyte who strides forward onto the set,
swivels his upper torso, extends his hand palm up and closes his
fist finger by finger.
"So, Bob, we meet again."
"Ah . . . yeah, okay."
Megabyte draws his fist back, swiveling at the waist, and
points with his other hand.
"Don't tell me you still persist in this fantasy that you
exist outside the Net in some manner of audiovisual environment."
"I . . . I don't?"
Bob makes his yeah-I-guess-I-am face.
View from above. Megabyte rotates toward the heavens and
opens his jaws like a hunting pike.
"My moment of final victory is at hand. With Bob suffering
under the delusion that he is a television personality I'll have
no one to oppose me in my overthrow of Mainframe."
Bob blinks, shakes his head, and comes to his senses. He
jumps up on the cushions.
"Ha! I don't think so! Glitch! Air compressor!"
Megabyte glances over his shoulder.
Long distance view of Megabyte looping and swooping over
Mainframe like a deflating balloon.]
[Commercial: "Monday at 9:00, it's Morphy Brown!"]
United Federation of Planets vs Door Repair Guy
Day Three: Testimony of Captain Morgan Bateson
Commander Stone: "Now, it was at this point you concluded
your investigation in that part of the quadrant and turned the
USS Bozeman toward Earth."
Captain Bateson: "That is correct."
"With what purpose in mind?"
"To collect evidence relating to the suspect's sojourn in
"And what was the result of your investigations?"
"We were able to extend the timeline through that summer,
thus closing the last remaining gap in our knowledge of his
"So, to summarize, you have established here that the
suspect travelled via Pakled freighter from Starbase 106, fell in
with the Children of Vaal, made a detour to Gamma Trianguli VI,
rebooted the planetary computer system, then slipped aboard the
evacuation ship Cicely, evaded security, jumped ship for Alaska,
lay low there for several weeks, then beamed up to Earth orbit,
took ship to Sigma Draconis VI, made rendevous with a Bolian
freighter, travelled to Earth Colony Nepean 5 and from there to
the Klingon homeworld and finally to Deep Space Nine. Have I
left anything out?"
"No. It's all there."
"Thank you, sir. Your witness."
Cogley steps up.
"Forgive me. Captain Bateson, you strike me as an acute
observer of human nature."
"Well. I do have a degree in psychiatric medicine. Not
many people know that."
"Ah. That explains it."
"I'm sorry? That explains what?"
"It explains that rare ability so many of us lack, but which
you obviously possess in great store, that intuitive
understanding, that 'Eureka' quality, which permits you to take
that mental leap from point A to point B even if those two points
are on opposite sides of the galaxy."
"Well, I don't like to brag, but, yes, I'm like that."
"I can hardly think of another individual who could have
crisscrossed the quadrant as you have done in pursuit of my
client's elusive trail."
"Oh, now, there's really no need for flattery."
"I'd say you're a veritable bloodhound."
"Well, I wouldn't go that far."
"Oh, really, Captain Bateson? Wouldn't you say you've been
led around by your nose throughout this entire investigation?"
"I would not."
"Would it surprise you to learn that I have acquired the
restaurant bills incurred by you and your investigative team over
the course of this pangalactic divagation? They are, in a word,
"Pangalactic divagation? Is there something wrong in this
day and age with a captain taking an interest in the provisioning
of his ship?"
"Caviar, Captain, a quarter tonne of caviar."
"You 24th-Century types may be satisfied with replicated
food-patterned matter on your plate, but I remember a time when
people took dining seriously."
"Is that why you retain the services of a cordon bleu chef?"
"I'll have you know I was out there defending the citizens
of this Federation before your grandfather--"
"Took his first single malt whiskey?"
"I resent that implication!"
"Three cases of Dom Perignon 2256 in Fairbanks alone!"
"It goes with pan-fried SISbat'telh Dawt!"
"So you went fishing!"
"Only to get inside the man's head!"
"According to your ship's log it took you five weeks to get
inside his head on that occasion! What made you break it off?"
"A bear attack! My God, will no one here defend me!?"
JAG: "You're not on trial here, Captain Bateson. Please
answer the attorney's questions. Mr Cogley, I think you've made
"Thank you, sir. I would like to turn my attention to the
logs of the two transporters involved in the beamup from Alaska
to the Lagrange Point Space Vessel Museum."
Shuffling sound as everyone consults the transcripts.
"Yes, I have it."
"Captain Bateson, how long does it take to transport a
person from one site to another?"
"It's a function of distance calculated with the speed of
light, obviously. Any schoolchild knows that."
"Yes, of course. But the entire process, from stepping on
to the pad to stepping off the other pad, give or take a second."
"Perhaps ten seconds."
"Should it under any circumstances take two days?"
"But if you compare the logs of the two transporters it took
"Really, you can't put any credence in that Alaskan
transporter's records. The whole machine was a mass of jury-
rigging. It was still set for daylight saving time!"
"Daylight saving time doesn't account for 48 hours, sir! I
suggest the man never set foot in Alaska!"
"That's preposterous! Ask the Tamarian!"
"I shall, sir. Have no worry about that."
[Commercial: "Tuesday at 9:30 it's Grace Under Phaser Fire!"]
UFP vs DRG
Day Five: Testimony of Atoth the Tamarian
"Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and
nothing but the truth, so help you God?"
"George Washington, his hatchet behind his back."
Commander Stone steps up to the witness stand.
"Mr Atoth, the Prosecution has presented evidence that you
accompanied the defendent to Gamma Trianguli IV, that you were
present in the cave at the time of the activation of the computer
network, and that you later aided him in his escape to Alaska.
Do you deny any of these allegations?"
"Mirtu, her knee throbbing."
"Mr Stone, I assumed you were ready for this."
"Up until this point, your honour, the witness has conversed
in pidgin. He still spoke in allusions, but at least the
mythological examples were drawn from Terran culture."
"What about the universal translator? Doesn't that have any
"Not with Tamarians at this point."
"Well, Mr Stone, I'd say you're up a creek without a
"Aktuth, up a creek without a paddle. Yodwich, his hair
"Yes, thank you, Mr Atoth. Please refrain from speaking
unless spoken to. So, Mr Stone, will you continue, or would you
prefer to hand it over to Mr Cogley?"
"I'm not done yet."
"Mr Atoth. I see by your costume you're an outdoorsman.
Would you regale the court with one of your fishing stories?"
"Jablodda and Hoosk on the mountain. Dimsa, his quiver
full. In the morning with Shalloo. The dusk upon Nalon. A hand
waiting. The majesty of Wirr."
Atoth holds up his hands, the palms approximately twenty-
eight inches apart.
"May I remind you that you are under oath?"
He moves his hands a little closer together.
"How is it, sir, that you understand plain English well
enough, but when it comes to answering questions under oath you
retreat to Tamarian obscurities?"
"Hislaan, hanging from a branch, his ear wet."
DRG: "Oh! Ho ho! Good one! He got you, Stone!"
Reaction shot of piqued Stone glancing around in
UFP vs DRG
Shot of Cogley roughing out the holodeck simulation script
from the previous day's court transcript. He flips through the
transcript putting a red diagonal through each page. At the
bottom of the last page he writes:
He looks up and says: "Objection."
Stone stops in mid-syllable, and walks away from the witness
JAG: "To what, Mr Cogley?"
Cogley shuffles through the papers, computer pads and eight-
tracks covering the Defense table and pulls out a document.
"I have an affidavit here implicating the Prosecution in a
conspiracy to dismember my client."
JAG: "I'm sorry. Did you say 'dismember'?"
"That is correct."
Stone: "Your honour, this is grandstanding on a monumental
"Let me see that."
Both Admirals Nechayev and Nakamura lean in to read the
document as Cogley hands it to Commodore Jones."
JAG: "Who is this Not Fragile?"
Shot of the Prosecution conferring. Shot of Jones, Nechayev
and Nakamura exchanging looks.
Cogley: "Motion to dismiss."
JAG: "In my chambers."
[Commercial: "Head into the final frontier on Mad About Hugh,
Sunday at 8:00!"]
Commodore Jones' Chambers.
Stone: "The Prosecution never suggested disabling the man's
personal transporter. That was an initiative of the station's
medical officer under the Judge Advocate General's direction."
Cogley: "The circle widens."
JAG: "Has anyone tinkered with the man's transporter?"
Cogley: "I consider the damping field tinkering. I have an
expert opinion which states that prolonged exposure to the
damping field can result in permanent transporter malfunction."
Stone: "It's the Defense who are prolonging the trial. This
should have been over last week."
Nechayev: "I agree."
Nakamura: "So do I."
JAG: "Has anyone actually taken a screwdriver to the man?"
JAG: "Nobody is going to either. The damping field is
another matter. There's no difference between that and the
handcuffs. Motion to dismiss denied."
Cogley smiles and heads out the door.
Nechayev: "Why's he so happy."
Stone: "Now he has grounds for appeal.
We see two Klingons in workbelts. The bearded one in plaid
holds up a phase inducer. The other one holds up the biggest
phase inducer ever built, and grunts. They set to work on two
ODM junctions. Explosion. The plaid Klingon shakes his head.
"It's Homeworld Improvement, Tuesday at 9:00!"]
UFP v DRG
Day Fifteen: Testimony of Cmdr Wm T Riker
Stone: "When did you first meet the defendant?"
Riker: "I --"
Cogley: "May we approach?"
JAG: "What is it now, Mr Cogley?"
"I move that the court go into recess."
Prosecuting Attorney Stone looks flabbergasted. He
approaches the bench. "On what grounds?!"
Cogley: "Season Three is about to end."
JAG (checking his wristwatch): "Good Lord, you're right.
Court is in recess!"
Written by Douglas A. McLeod, ai...@freenet.carleton.ca