[ASC REPOST]PARO:DS9:PantsFell 1/5
Drakken
used herein are Paramount's, while the hoops they jump through are due to
the unholy influences of the FyrDrakken and the Goddess.
DEEP SPACE NINE: WHEN THE PANTS FELL
CAPTAIN'S LOG: "Stardate 66666.66: I am currently en route to DS9, the
site of the latest Babylon 5 convention. I am looking forward to meeting
with my old crew. All of them will be there, now that Geordi has ended
his mourning period over the loss of the holographic program "Kimberly",
which I believe Lt. Barclay helped him write. Note: get Barclay to
write me a similar program. Commander Riker and his double, having
received a special parole from the Cardassians, will also be there.
However, I am truly ready to see Dr. Crusher, as I have a couple of
suggestions to run by her..."
OBLIGATORY DRINKING SCENE (OR: PICARD AND ODO, HIDING FROM LWAXANA)
(Scene: The bridge of the starship Defiant. Odo and Picard have hidden
there in the hopes of outmaneuvering Lxaxana Troi. She can be seen
outside the entrance, attempting to get the computer to give her
clearance (so far unsuccessfully). While attempting to locate a hiding
place, they come upon Chief O'Brien's stash of Irish whiskey, carefully
concealed behind a plasma conduit.)
Odo (gruffly): "This would explain those annoying incidents involving
the loss of the cloaking device while being chased by some really
pissed-off Jem H'adar soldiers."
Picard: "Indeed. But let's not let good whiskey go to waste. After
all, we have no idea how long Lwaxan... er, Ambassador Troi will be out
there." (Takes a rather large swig.)
Odo: "While I'm not normally inclined to drink, I believe that I'll make
an excepton in this case. Indeed, the ambASSador can be quite persistent."
Picard: "I, er... *damn*, this is good whiskey."
(Sounds from the background can be heard, "Daughter of the-")
Odo and Picard (together): "-Fifth House of Betazed, Heir to the Sacred
Chalice of Riix," etc.
Odo: "Bottoms up!" (Finishes one bottle of whiskey. Picard breaks out
another.)
(Loud arguing heard. Sisko pushes way onto bridge, kicking Lwaxana off
his leg simultaneously.)
Sisko: "Computer! Beam Mrs. Troi to the brig." (or, "Sisko, Program
14!", your choice.)
(Lwaxana disappears in a column of light.)
Picard and Odo: "Bless you, oh great emissary! We fall in worship at
your feet! You hath saved us from the awful she-beast!"
Sisko (after draining bottle of whiskey in one long gulp): "Where's the
rest?"
(Drinking songs are traded, bawdy stories exchanged, and plans made to
exterminate Lwaxana Troi.)
Sisko: "Odo, lure her to your quarters with the promise of, uh... solid
games, and we'll take it from there."
Picard: "Can I use the cloaking device? Please? Pretty please? With a
Klingon on top? Huh? Huh?"
Sisko: "Well... Normally I'd say no, but I guess just this once won't
hurt anything..."
Picard: "Can I fire phasers? And torpedos? I never got to do it on my
ship. I could phaser the ambassador's quarters..."
Sisko: "That won't do any good. She's in the brig, remember?"
Picard: "Oh, yeah, I forgot. Can I use them anyway? Can I fire, FIRE,
FIRE, FIRE, FIRE..."
Odo: "Get ahold of yourself, man! What the hell's the matter with you,
Beavis, uh, er, Picard?"
Picard: "Oh yeah, I forgot. Ummmm, this sucks."
Sisko: "Uh, yeah, she sucks."
Odo: "Don't remind me. At least she's not going to *your* quarters."
Sisko: "It's for the greater good, man, the greater good!"
Picard: "Can I set her on fire? FIRE FIRE FIRE..."
(Odo and Sisko subsequently slap the shit out of him.)
Sisko: "OK! Synchronize watches. Plan Get-Rid-Of-Lwaxana commences at
22:00 hours!"
Odo and Picard: "Aye, aye, skipper!"
(The three leave the Defiant, arms linked, singing "We Shall Overcome"
(or headbanging, your choice.).)
THREE WOMEN AND A KLINGON (OR: WHEN THE COUNSELOR AND THE MAJOR MET)
(Scene: Quark's Bar, Kira and Deanna sitting next to each other at the
bar. Kira is visibly pissed off, as Deanna has been talking about her
"relationship with Worf.")
Deanna: "I sense hostility..."
Kira: "Sense this, you Betazoid bitch!" (She punches Troi. As the
empath staggers back, the Bajoran follows up with a head-butt to the
face. As Kira settles down to some serious ass-kicking, Dax comes
rushing up eagerly.)
Dax: "Here, let me help you! I'll hold her." (Dax grabs Deanna from
behind, and Kira starts working her over. As Troi moans and whimpers,
the two Rikers enter, after having been humiliated at a poker game by a
Ferengi female (!).)
Riker (trying to boost his self-esteem): "Ladies! There's more than
enough of me to go around. See? And Captain Picard personally taught me
'The Picard Maneuver'." (Points to Thomas. Kira pauses, stares at the
Rikers, exchanges a glance with Dax. Then Worf enters.)
Deanna (gasping): "Worf... help me..."
Kira (snarling): "No, you don't! He's *mine*, you telepathic tramp!"
(The two advance on Worf, leaving Troi to collapse against the bar. As
she slowly falls to the floor, Kira and Dax each grab on to one of the
Klingon's arms. While Deanna loses consciousness, the other two women
begin to pull at Worf's arms, and then to tear at his uniform. Riker and
Tom exchange abashed looks, then start looking around to see if anyone
else noticed their double humiliation. Tom spots Wesley, leaning against
the bar and snickering.)
Tom (glaring, nudges Riker): "Hey, let's get the kid!" (Eager to draw
attention away from his embarrassment, Riker agrees with a curt nod. They
advance on Wesley, who cowers against the bar. As they approach, he
tries to make a break for it, but Tom catches him. Tom grabs him by his
arms and turns him to face Riker, holding him in the same position as Dax
had held Troi for Kira. Riker smiles menacingly as he advances on the
brat. In the background, three Klingon women are seen exiting the bar.
One has Data slung over her shoulder. As they leave, we hear: "I realize
that Klingon procreation involves a great deal of violence, but I fail to
see what Antarean whipped cream and gakh have to do with...")
END OF PART 1