COR: [MiSTing] "Trials and Tubby-lations" [Teletubbies/VOY/X-Files] [3/8]

[Matthew R Blackwell]

[The trio enters. Mike places Tom into his usual
theater seat, then he and Crow move several seats
down the aisle before sitting.]
Tom : Come on! I boffed a Tubby! Does that make me some
sort of pariah?
Mike: Yes. Yes it does.

>
>
>
>

Crow: Maybe the writer forgot to attach the story to the post.
Mike: No complaints here.

>
>From fitc...@netaccess.co.nz Mon Jul 06 15:12:30 1998

Crow: Damn. Oh well.
Tom : Hey! Pay attention to me!

>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative

Tom: Guys...I really didn't...
Mike: [Interrupting] We know.
Crow: We're shunning you for even suggesting that you did.

>Subject: NEW: Time for Tubby Bye-Bye [PG-13] (Voy, graphic violence) 1/1
>From: fitc...@netaccess.co.nz (Sasscat Bu-to-y)

Mike: Hey! A New Zealander! I hope that the author's English
is good.
Crow: Um, Mike?
Mike: Well, I'll just speak some of the New Zealand lingo to
make Sasscat feel at home.
Tom : Mike...?
Mike: Ahem. S'truth! Pass a couple of tinnies to me, Bruce!
Look out! There are drop bears ahead, mate!
Crow: Mike, those aren't New...
Mike: Pop another shrimp on the barbie! The dingos ate me
baby! Joh's done a lot for Queensland!
Tom : Well, there goes our chances for ever being shown on
TVNZ...
Crow: And I think that sinks our possible contract with the
Foxtel folks too.

>Date: Tue, 7 Jul 1998 08:12:30 +1200
>
>Title: Time for Tubby Bye-Bye
>Author: Sasscat Bu-to-y

Tom : I know those syllables, but that name makes no sense.
Mike: Of course not. You don't speak New Zealandish.
Tom : Riiiight.

>Series: Voyager
>Rating: PG-13
>Codes: graphic violence

[The trio sits upright in their seats.]
Crow: Graphic violence? Coooool!
Tom : John Woo makes a special directoral effort in tonight's
"Voyager."

>Part: 1/1
>
>Summary: Harry comes up with a new way to draw Seven out of her shell
>but the plan backfires and a new craze sweeps Voyager.
>

Mike: There better not be any Furbies in this story...
Crow: Or the Macarena.

>Warning: Teletubbies. What more need I say? But not the sort you'd
>show your children.
>

Tom : Uh-oh. This might be Peter Jackson's "Meet the Tubbies!"

>Disclaimer:

Crow: Disclaimer? I don't even know her!
Mike: [mumbling] Damn. I really should have gotten that anti-pun
booster this year.

> Paramount owns Voyager, Ragdoll owns Teletubbies, and the
>views of the characters in the story are *not necessarily my own*.
>Okay? So if you disagree, don't flame me. (Hey, it rhymes! Uh,
>anyway...)
>

Mike: [Sasscat] ...I thought that'd you'd like to read my
dissertation on 11th century Norwegian farming practices
before we hit the fanfic.

>Archiving's fine as long as you let me know; feedback's fine too <g>
>at fitc...@netaccess.co.nz
>
>
>Time for tubby bye-bye
> (c) Sasscat Bu-to-y 1998
>
>"Come in," Kathryn Janeway said as her ready room door chimed.
>"Harry, how can I help you?"
>

Crow: [Kim] How do you get your hair like that? Mine keeps going
all soft on me.

>"I had an idea to help Seven develop her social skills," Harry said
>enthusiastically, handing her a padd.

Tom : [Kim] She and I have a wild, passionate affair before settling
down and raising our 2.3 children. Well, it's worth a try,
anyway.

> "Tom was showing me some
>television programs from the twentieth century,

Tom: [Kim] By the way, if you can find any other shows from "The
Spice Channel", we'd really appreciate it.

> and we came across
>something called 'Teletubbies'. It was designed for young children,
>and turned out to help draw autistic children out of their shells."
>

Crow: You dangle a Teletubby in front of them, and when they stick
their head out to bite it you whack them with...oh, wait,
that's snapping turtles.

>She looked at him then picked up the padd. It showed four colourful
>creatures with large ears and grey squares on their stomachs. One was
>red, one yellow, one blue and one green. She was mystified.
>

Mike: [Janeway] Weren't these people the hosts for '60 Minutes'?
Crow: [Kim] We think they did both. Our records from that era are
a bit incomplete.

>"I hardly think Seven can be compared to an autistic child," she
>pointed out,

Mike: She's a much more developed person.
Crow: That's going to take a moment to sink in, Mike.

> but Harry shook his head.
>
>"Autism interferes with the development of social interaction skills.
>Its sufferers often exhibit extreme passivity and cannot comprehend
>what makes others tick.

Mike: These people tend to become bureaucrats.

> They have to learn social interactions
>mechanically; 'empathy' by rote.

Tom : Just keep saying "I sense great hostility, Captain" until
you get it down.

> They think about it on a scientific
>level - just like Seven. I checked it out with the Doctor and he
>agrees," he added, then blushed, presumably for 'going behind her
>back'.
>

Crow: Is that what you kids--well, you know the rest.

>She smiled to reassure him and looked back at the cuddly creatures on
>the padd. Teletubbies. The name suited them.

Mike: The name "Janewayiacs" didn't test well.
Tom : They could always call them Species 8473.

> "I can hardly disagree
>with such an expert prognosis, can I? What exactly did you have in
>mind?"
>

Tom : [Kim] I thought that we'd go out to dinner, then take in
a show. The Doc's putting on "Les Miz" in the Sick Bay.

>"Half an hour twice a day," Harry said promptly, "five days a week.
>"The records were very clear about when it was screened. Tom's
>already working on converting it to a holoprogram."
>

Tom : [Kim] Though somehow Hanson wound up in the first version.
I think the boy has some issues.

>Kathryn handed the padd back and smiled warmly. "By all means,
>proceed, Mr Kim. I'll expect regular progress reports."
>

Tom: [Kim] Of course. Right now, I'm picking up my PADD and
walking towards the...
Mike: [Janeway] Not quite that regular, Harry.

>"Of course, Captain." He grinned and left.
>
> =/\=
>
>Kathryn stared into her empty coffee cup and admitted that she was
>beginning to worry about the Teletubby Project.

Mike: The plan to build a giant Teletubby in space in the hopes of
bringing peace to a warn-torn galaxy just wasn't working.

> The progress reports
>simply stated that Seven had taken to the program enthusiastically;
>smiled often and once even laughed.

Tom : Her English skills degenerated to a two-year-old's level,
but hey, can't have everything.
Crow: "Me Seven of Nine. Me assimilate you now!"

> It was wonderful news, Kathryn
>had to admit, but something bothered her about the way Harry talked
>more about the program than he did about Seven. And it wasn't like
>Harry to ignore Seven, she added to herself.
>

Mike: Hell, it wasn't like any male with a pulse would ignore Seven.

>She glanced at the chrono and put the cup down with a sigh. She'd
>come to dread bridge duty since the project had begun. Harry and Tom
>had taken to passing their shifts by talking enthusiastically about
>some people called Laa Laa,

Crow: Okay, is that supposed to be one "a" or two?
Tom : Four, actually.

> Dipsy, Tinky Winky and Po. At first she'd
>thought those were code-names for Tom's latest conquests, but when
>Chakotay had joined in the conversation she'd realised they were
>discussing the Teletubby Project.

Mike: She knew this because the word "Tubby" kept popping up.

> Even Tuvok had joined in, arguing
>that Po would never fight with Tinky Winky, because 'teletubbies love
>each other'.
>

Tom : The hell?
Crow: And then Tuvok told everyone that Daphne and Shaggy were
obviously doing it.

>She couldn't hide out in her ready room forever, Kathryn told herself
>firmly,

Tom : You did it for six months in "Night" though, Kathy.

> and walked out the doors with head held high. The turbolift
>opened at the back of the bridge and Tom took one step out before
>turning to Harry and saying in a low voice, "Uh oh."
>
>"What have you done *now*, Mr. Paris?" she asked, probably unfairly.
>Well, if the captain couldn't be in a lousy mood occasionally, who
>could?
>

Mike: No, no. Being grouchy is the province of doctors and
security chiefs. Captains are aloof and resolute.

>Tom just looked confused. "All I said was 'Uh oh.'"
>
>Kathryn didn't even want to *try* to work out what that one meant.
>She shook her head slightly and looked at Harry as Tom made his way
>down to his station. "Harry, how's that program for Seven coming
>along?"
>

Crow: [Kim] Great! She'll be a beautician in no time at all!

>Wrong question, she thought with a wince as a grinning bridge crew
>announced, "*Big* hug!" Well, except Tuvok.

Mike: [Janeway] Tuvie! What's wrong? Why don't you greet your
Kathy-wathy with a big hug?

> Tuvok didn't grin and,
>thank God, nor did he 'big hug'.
>

Tom: He did do a passable Bat-tushi though.

>She smiled politely and settled into her chair. This was going to be
>one hell of a long shift.
>

Mike: [Paris] Captain? Lwaxanna Troi just beamed aboard.
Crow: One hell of a really, really, long shift.

> =/\=
>
>She should have known. Anything from the twentieth century had to be
>trouble.

All : Hey!
Mike: Lousy 24th Century weasel...
Crow: We gave the universe all sorts of things!
Tom : Rock and roll!
Mike: Hemmingway!
Crow: Motion Pictures!
Tom : Whipped cream in a can!
Crow: Drive-in mortuaries!
Mike: Um, guys...?
Tom : Dame Edna!
Crow: Grape Duds!
Tom : Talk Soup!
Crow: Pizza with pineapple toppings!
Mike: Guys...
Tom : Stretch Armstrong!
Crow: Pop rocks!
Mike: GUYS! [Silence] We're a bit off topic here.
Crow: Okay, okay. Sheesh.

> She should never have authorised the damn project.
>

Tom : She has become Dipsy, the destroyer of worlds.

>"Be fair," Kathryn told the mug in her hand. She was back in her
>ready room, tryig to pretend she wasn't hiding and failing miserably.

Tom : Guys, it's time we faced it...the Voyager is an Omega Company.
Mike: A what?
Crow: A dumping place for all the losers that other companies don't
want. Like...well, the UPN network.

>"You haven't even seen the program. There's probably a perfectly good
>explanation."
>

Mike: Well, it was a pretty bad movie...
Crow: It did encourage laying down in the street while cars raced
by though. Anything that weeds out the shallow end of the
gene pool like that can't be all bad.

>Explanation for what? For her crew acting like lunatics; announcing
>"Eh oh," wherever they went and gathering for '*big* hugs' at the
>oddest moments?

Crow: Hey, if group hugs is part of Roddenberry's Dream, sign me up!

> Not to mention abandoning "Aye, Captain," in favour
>of the infuriating "Change course tubby tubby tubby," or "Scan scan
>scan tubby tubby tubby tubby."
>

Crow: Not to mention "Blast blast blast Kazon tubby tubby tubby
tubby."

>Her crew had gone space-mad.

Tom : They were watching Monster Truck Rallies. Willingly.

> Even Tuvok had succumbed. How had she
>let things get this far out of hand? This hardly seemed like the
>effect of a child's entertainment program. A secret governmental
>mind-control experiment? That was ridiculous. Or was it?
>

Mike: There was only one way to tell for sure. So, Janeway made a
large 'X' out of tape and attached it to the window. Now, she
merely had to wait...

>This was getting her nowhere. "Computer, time," she said with a sigh.
>
>"The tubby-time is fifteen hundred tubby-hours," a childish voice
>informed her. Kathryn bit back a curse and strode out of her ready
>room, ignoring Chakotay's cheerful "Eh oh," as she passed. Half an
>hour until the next showing. Time for a snack,

Crow: Pshaw. Here she's been slamming the 20th century, and she's
probably going off to get a Pop-tart.
Tom : Yes, the delicious breakfast pastry that lasts forever!

> and then she was
>going to see what this program was really all about. And get B'Elanna
>to change the damned computer back.
>

Mike: You could just go to the control panel and change it yourself,
Kathryn.
Crow: Yeah, just turn off the "Tubbies" theme for Pete's sake. It
takes, what, four clicks of the mouse?

>"Messhall," she ordered, and leaned against the wall. What a day.
>What a week.
>

Tom : [Paris, on the intercom] Captain? Wesley Crusher just
appeared on the bridge.
Crow: One really long hell of a week.

>She straightened up as the computer's ramblings sifted into her
>consciousness.
>

[Tom begins humming "The Girl from Inpanema."]

>"Turbo'ift go mess'all. Go go go tubby tubby tubby tubby tubby."
>
>"Shut *up*," she muttered, to no effect. Naturally. When she found
>out who'd reprogrammed the computer-- though she had a fairly good
>idea already. Not many people would have both the access *and* the
>death-wish.
>

Crow: Charles Bronson, no!

>She stepped out the instant the doors opened and strode straight to
>the messhall. It was all but deserted, save Neelix

All : AHHHHH!!!!!
Crow: The Tubbies *and* Neelix? In the same story?! Author, have you
no sense of human decency?

> who stepped out of
>the kitchen when he heard the door open, and smiled at her.
>
>"Eh oh! I must admit, Captain, I was starting to worry about you; I
>haven't seen you for quite some time."
>

Tom : [Neelix] Not since you saved me from Chakotay's wrath after
I tried to serve rabbit stew.

>It had been one, one and a half days at the most, but Kathryn wasn't
>in the mood to quibble.

Mike: [Janeway] Well, the aftertaste is finally out of my mouth,
so I'm ready to get back on the horse. Do your worst.

> "Where is everyone?"
>

Tom : [Neelix] Well, remember how we were running low on supplies,
and I wanted to stop by that last planet but you said no,
and... well, does the phrase Donner Party mean anything to
you?

>"Where crew?" Neelix repeated in a sugary voice. "I *believe* they're
>in the holodeck waiting for the next showing. As a matter of fact I
>was about to head down there myself, but can I get you anything first?
>There's some tubby tustard left from lunchtime if you like."
>

Tom : [Neelix] Just ignore the bone fragments...
Mike: Tom, let the joke go.

>Tubby tustard? *Tubby* tustard. It was a miracle people weren't
>turning up for shift dressed as the damn things.

Crow: The Voyager crew seems to be getting a bit... kinky.

> Or maybe they were,
>but just not on the bridge. ...Suddenly she didn't feel like eating.
>"Thank you, Neelix, but I was just... looking for Lieutenant Paris."

Mike: [Janeway] I've got a hankerin' to do some butt-kickin', and
he's got the butt I love to kick th'most!

>She winced slightly at the transparency of her cover, but Neelix
>looked satisfied.
>
>"He's definitely in the holodeck. I consider myself quite a fan, you
>know, but Tom has never missed a single episode. That's what I call
>dedication."
>

Tom : That's what I call pathetic!
Crow: Well, Paris has always been one of the biggest losers on
the show. I mean, imagine coming in second place to *Neelix*,
for crying out loud!

>Of course Neelix wasn't as big a fan as Tom. He was speaking in whole
>sentences for a start.

Mike: And, unlike Tom, he hadn't begun writing Tubbie slash fics.

> Kathryn put on the carefully practised smile
>she reserved just for him.

Crow: It was the same smile that Mulgrew used when talking to
Rick Berman.

> "I'm sure it is, Mr Neelix. Thank you;
>you've been most helpful. Excuse me."
>
>She hurriedly left the messhall and entered the nearest turbolift.
>"Engineering."
>

Tom : No, "Turbolift."

>"Turbo'ift go en'ineerwin'. Go go go tubby tubby tubby tubby tubby."
>
>She rolled her eyes upwards and leaned against the wall.

Crow : Y'know, for once I'm sympathetic to Janeway's plight.

>
> =/\=
>
>If the messhall had been deserted, Engineering was a ghost-deck.

Crow: Shhh! If you listen carefully, you can hear the cries
of long-destroyed shuttlecraft...
Tom : o/~ This deck... o/~
Mike+Crow: o/~ Aaah, aaah. o/~
Tom : o/~ Is looking like a ghost-deck...o/~

>On closer inspection Kathryn realised that B'Elanna was in her office,
>studying the screen and apparently in a good mood. Maybe she could
>get that computer fixed now.
>

Crow: [B'Elanna] You got a work order?
Mike: [Janeway] Uh, no, but...
Crow: [B'Elanna] Guess yer outta luck then, pal.

>"Lieutenant--"
>
>"Shh." B'Elanna didn't even look up. "Time for teletubbies."
>

Crow: Unless it's a pledge month, in which case you've still got
about fifteen minutes of pledge break to sit through.

>"*Lieutenant*," Kathryn repeated firmly. "You're on duty."
>

Mike: [Janeway] Well, I think you're on duty. Oh hell, I don't
care anymore. Computer! I need a drink!
Crow: [Computer] Un 'arvy 'all'anger, tubby, tubby, tubby!

>A flicker of a frown crossed B'Elanna's face then she settled back
>into an inane grin. "Shh."
>

Crow: [B'Elanna] Springer's on.

>Reaming out the Chief Engineer could wait, Kathryn decided. She
>needed to find out what was going on in the holodeck.
>

Tom : Uh-oh. Mulgrew's having Mrs. Columbo flashbacks.

**continued**