[ASC REPOST]PARO:DS9:PantsFell 3/5
Drakken
THE FUGITIVE (OR: WORF, HIS FORCE FIELDS SHREDDED LIKE HIS UNIFORM)
(Scene: Quark's place. Worf enters in the remains of a pink tutu, a
wild look in his eyes. He has finally realized who is the one being on
the station strong enough to protect him from Dax and Kira both.)
Worf (sounding desperate): "Has anyone seen Data?"
Quark (barely managing to stifle a snicker at Worf's costume): "Yes, the
Ni'mffo sisters took him out of here. I think they said they were going
to test some of his more exotic programming."
(Worf's eyes widen. He turns to leave, then pauses and turns back to
Quark as a thought strikes him.)
Worf: "If you mention this to *anybody*, I will be forced to remove your
ears as a sacrifice to my ancestors, to restore my lost honor." (Quark's
eyes widen, and he retreats behind the bar as Worf exits.)
REPENT! THE END IS NEAR! (OR: GEORDI AND A *REAL* WOMAN, IN A ROOM, ALONE)
(Scene: Geordi is fiddling with the holodeck, trying to get his new
program "Tiffany" (after having been rejected by program "Becky") to
run. He has thus far been unsuccessful, due to the power drain of Worf's
force fields. Dax enters, on the prowl for Worf.)
Dax: "Have you seen a Klingon in a pink tutu."
Geordi: "Well, I'm not sure whether or not it was pink. Why? Does pink
turn you on? I can do pink."
Dax (mildly curious): "Is that all you can do?"
Geordi: "Well, step inside, and I'll give you a small sample..."
Dax: "Starting with?"
Geordi: "Hmmm, I wouldn't want to spoil the surprise, but..." (He
whispers in her ear.)
Dax: "My word. I didn't know *that* was possible! Now I'm very
interested."
Geordi: "Your wish is my command."
Dax: "I do so like the sound of that."
(They enter the empty holosuite.)
IT'S ABOUT TIME, WHOOPS, NEVER MIND! (OR: CRUSHER, AFTER GARAK'S SPECIAL
ORDER)
(Scene: Picard's guest quarters, after Lwaxana Troi's untimely demise...
uh, disappearance. He is still trashed. Dr. Crusher knocks on the door.)
Picard: "Oooooh... Come."
(Crusher enters, wearing a rather sheer dress, with several easily
accessible zippers, and some flashing lights pointing directions to areas
of interest.)
Crusher: "I hope I'm not disturbing anything, but I just got this dress
at Garak's and had to show it to someone."
Picard (salivating obnoxiously at this point, somehow managing to speak
through the froth): "Computer! Whips and chains!"
Crusher: "Dammit, Jean-Luc, I'm a doctor, not a love slave!... Wait a
minute, let me think about that!"
(And consider she does... for about three seconds. The dress is soon on
the chandelier. Unfortunately, Picard has passed out from drunkenness
paired with over-excitement.)
OBLIGATORY BAT'TELH SCENE (OR: BASHIR, *ATTEMPTING* TO USE A BAT'TELH)
(Scene: Bashir comes to the door of the holosuite. Geordi and Dax are
in a compromising position that seems to defy the laws of both physics and
anatomy.)
Bashir (enraged with jealousy): "You! YOU! YOU NEVER SHOULD HAVE
TOUCHED HER, YOU... Computer! Bat'telh!"
(The bat'telh materializes and he races after Geordi. Geordi is ducking
and dodging, Bashir in hot pursuit, swinging like a girl and breaking
various items scattered around the holodeck (clothing, Trill crystals,
and assorted *censored* items), when Dax gets herself untangled. She
kicks Bashir in the kidney, and then follows up with a kick to the
stomach. As he folds and collapses to the floor, she snatches the
bat'telh from his weakened grip and whacks him over the head with it.)
Dax: "Stay out of my love life, you second-rate, *undersized* quack!"
(Quark appears momentarily, thinking his name has been called. Dax takes
a bat'telh swing at him for general principles.)
THAT IS *NOT* THE WAY OF HONOR! (OR: DATA, HIS FUNCTIONALITY PROVEN)
(Scene: Worf comes to the door of the Ni'mffo sisters' guest quarters
and knocks. Data pokes his head out the door, with hair mussed and
uniform ripped to shreds.)
Worf: "Data! I heard you had been... abducted. Are you... all right?"
Data: "I seem to be. But I had wondered... are all Klingon women this
easily exhausted?... That is not what I had heard." (Worf looks shocked.)
Female voice from inside bedroom: "When I have recovered, I will take
you, my little positronic friend, and (unspellable Klingon
endearment/explicit suggestion involving the use of several condiments
and the blood of small furry animals slain with a finely-edged bat'telh)."
Worf (looking *extra* shocked): "Data! That is a niece of Gowron!"
Data (looks back over his shoulder into the room): "I had not known.
We... did not exchange names."
Worf: "I... would like to speak with you alone." (Data comes out into
the hall and closes the door.) "Three women at once! That is NOT the way
of honor!" (Pause.) "So... tell me. How... exactly... did you manage
this?... In *detail*." (Sets tricorder on Record.)
INTERPRET THIS ONE, FREUD! (OR: WHEN THE COUNSELOR MET THE DOCTOR)
(Scene: Sickbay. Troi is just regaining conciousness, after having Dax
and Kira beat her up. Bashir, also having had his ass kicked by Dax, is
there watching her.)
Troi (eyelids fluttering open): "I sense pain... Oh, yeah. Mine!"
Bashir: "Don't get up too quickly. You're probably still a bit woozy.
And now, if you'll forgive my curiousity, how did you manage to get
yourself into that uniform? It's sooooo form fitting, and, well, quite
attractive."
Troi (snottily): "I was trying to impress Worf, but..."
Bashir: "Worf, Worf, it's always Worf! What's that Klingon got that I
don't? He's grumpy, violent, oversized, and I've seen smarter dogs."
(Deanna begins to smack him but then stops short.)
Troi: "I guess he is at that, but dammit, that's not the point.
Klingons just ooze sex appeal."
Bashir: "Really? Hmmmmm."
Troi: "But he's not here right now, and you are." (Eyes Bashir
carefully, and then jumps him. Bashir begins to realize that she is
*definitely* her mother's child.) "Cloaking Device *ON*!"
END OF PART 3