[ASC REPOST]PARO:DS9:PantsFell 5/5

[Drakken]

GOODBYE DATA, HELLO WORF (OR: DATA, A LITTLE *TOO* FUNCTIONAL)
(Scene: Quark's bar. Worf is still searching for someone to practice
his newly learned skills on, with growing desperation. The Rikers have
been carried off by medical personnel. A Klingon female -- one of the
Ni'mffo sisters -- cautiously pokes her head into the bar.)
Sister 1 (whispering, or as close as a Klingon can get): "I don't see
him anywhere."
Gowron's niece: "I don't see him, either. I think we lost him."
Sister 2 (as they enter the bar, still scanning the area warily):
"Good. Much as it pains me to admit it, that one is just too much!"
Gowron's niece: "Agreed. Another few nights like the last one, and
he'll kill us!"
Sister 1: "I think there is no shame in admitting it. A machine does
not get tired. A living being, even a Klingon, does." (General
agreement, nods, murmurs of, "Ain't *that* the truth!" Suddenly, looking
up from her blood wine, Gowron's niece spots Worf, stil prowling the
bar. His snarl of frustration works on the exhausted woman like a fresh
dose of whipped cream with gakh. She points him out to her companions.)
Sister 2: "Sooooo... Who is *that* fine specimen of a Klingon?"
Sister 1: "I don't know! But just look at those bulging muscles!"
Sister 2: "Just look at those flashing eyes!"
Gowron's niece: "Just look at those killer ridges!" (They leave their
places at the bar and stalk over to Worf. As they fan out to surround
him like wolves cutting a deer off from its herd, he notices -- and
recognizes -- them.)
Worf: "Hmmm... Well..." (The "ladies" smile at him. Worf is a
man/Klingon of few words, but nevertheless tries to call up a few lines of
love poetry from memory. While he is searching for an appropriate
quotation, Gowron's niece grabs him by the left arm. Sister 1 takes him
by the right. Sister 2 grabs on to a more *accessible* portion of his
anatomy. As he is led from the bar, Worf gives up on the poetry
altogether. Several minutes after the randy Klingons have exited the
premises, Data enters. Scanning the place and not finding the ones he
seeks, he goes over to the bar and snags Quark.)
Data: "Have you seen three Klingon females in here in the past twenty
minutes?"
Quark: "Yeah, they just left... with Worf!" (Not sensing any threat from
the android, he doesn't bother to conceal his smirk.)
Data: "Hmm! I would guess that he wishes to try out my advice. I will
go see if things are working out to his liking..." (As he turns to go,
Quark reaches out and grabs him by the sleeve, sensing that if Worf is
disturbed anytime in the next 24 hours, the Klingon will somehow find a
way to blame it all on the Ferengi (and will find violent ways of
expressing his... *displeasure*).)
Quark: "I WOULDN'T DO THAT! I would not do that!" (Data turns and gives
him an inquiring look.) "No matter *what* advice you gave him, I *don't*
think he wants you to come look over his shoulder... ah, so to speak...
while he tries it out."
Data (frowning): "But he did leave with some... acquaintances... of
mine. I would think that after last night and all of today, I would
have some interests in what they-"
Quark: "NO! No, no, no! Last night and today are all very well and
good, but, well -- I doubt they would have left with *him* if they
planned to keep *you* around, pal."
(Data tilts his head to one side and goes blank, searching his files for
more information on the type of situation Quark describes. He finds a
match.)
Data (incredulous -- remember, he has his emotion chip now): "Are you
saying I've been *dumped*?!?"
Quark (relieved): "At last the man sees my point!"
(Data does the head tilt again, assessing his emotional state and
considering possible/appropriate reactions to this news. He finds one.)
Data: "According to my internal processors, I should now do something
pointless and violent."
Quark (beginning to feel that he may have caused himself more trouble
than has been averted): "Uh, look... If you decide to go after Worf,
that's fine with me, but... just don't tell him I told you about it, all
right?"
Data (has "accessing" look on his face again): "If I decide to go after
Worf... If I decide to go after *Worf*..." (He finishes his deliberations
and comes back to himself suddenly, turning to Quark and smiling at the
Ferengi. It *isn't* a nice smile.) "Hmmm..."
(Ferengi aren't psychic, but at this moment Quark doesn't need to be to
guess what conclusion Data has arrived at. He flees, but even a
terrified Ferengi is no match for an android's speed. The scene that
follows is violent, bloody, and (unfortunately) extremely short, since
the entire beating takes place at speeds beyond those visible to the
unaided eye, to the great disappointment of the witnesses to the incident.
But at the end, Quark is in a satisfyingly battered and bloody state,
so the watchers aren't *too* disappointed.)
Data: "Hmm. I think... I am having... an emotional response. I
think... I feel... better!" (He leaves the a bar in an uplifted mood, or as
close to one as his emotion chip can provide. As he exits, he is
whistling, "If I Only Had A Brain.")
Bashir (rising up from behind the bar, like one who rises from the
grave): "Oh, God, I need a drink. Where's Quark?" (Weaving slightly
from exhaustion, he has to have the unconscious Ferengi pointed out to
him by Troi, who is in *much* better condition.) "Oh, God, I don't want
to have to go to work now, I just want to go to bed -- to sleep!" (He
adds hastily, before Deanna can offer to accompany him.)
Deanna (miffed): "All right, be that way. I won't stop you. Hmmm..."
(A new thought strikes her, as she remembers gossip heard at this very
bar earlier today.) "I wonder where Data went?"
(Bashir staggers off to his bed (alone), pausing long enough to call more
medical personnel to carry off the battered bartender, while Deanna
drifts off in a post-coital high, looking for even more sex. It is to be
assumed that Data didn't regret his abandonment by his Klingon girlfriends
for very long.)
THE NEXT MORNING:
(Scene: In Quark's, yet again. The Enterprise's former crew (minus
Worf, of course) are preparing to leave. Worf, and the Klingon "ladies",
are snuggled up together at the bar. The women are explaining certain
matters to Data (who has made plans for a major career change based on
the events of the past two days).)
Gowron's niece: "I am sooo sorry to have to leave you, my positronic
(untranslatable Klingon naughtiness), but as much as it pains me as a
Klingon to admit this, you are just too much man for me. But I shall
visit you at the pleasure compound. In the meantime, your friend shall
keep me occupied."
Data: "I shall be waiting for you." (He gives evil eye to Worf, who is
oblivious, and slightly dazed, probably from the extra gakh.)
Worf (whispering to Data): "I... did not know I had it in me. Thank you!"
(Data doesn't look particularly amused by this, but because of other
distractions refrains from killing Worf. Troi is in the background,
making suggestive gestures at Data with a spoon as she eats a chocolate
sundae.)

CAPTAIN'S LOG: "Stardate 1313.13: Data has now left for a position in
the Klingon homeworld pleasure compound. Note: highest commendations to
the two Rikers -- as soon as they get out of Sickbay. I feel lucky and
gratified to have escaped from DS9 with my life and limb... *limbs*
intact. I *do* feel sure that Lwaxana Troi will not be bothering me
again. However, I have a new problem. Dr. Crusher seems to be highly
offended by something I have done -- or failed to do. I can recall
nothing that I have done -- on not done -- that would have upset her in
such a fashion. Was it something I said?"

END OF PART 5
END OF STORY