ASC Awards Dinner: TOS 2/7
ASC Awards
to find the next set of presenters for TOS. Rocky has managed to round
them all up and is eyeing them, hands on her hips.
"And *no* chewing gum," Rocky lectures sternly.
In the background, the Awards staff hears a voiceover which sounds
suspiciously like Ed McMahon: "And now, to present the awards for the
category Featuring Doctor McCoy, please welcome Nurse Christine Chapel."
Chapel approaches the podium, wearing her pale blue medical mini-skirted
uniform and boots. Her bleached-blond hair is swept up in a professional
looking 'do. At her side, acting as her escort, is a pleasant if
bland-faced ensign. In fact, his most memorable feature could be said to
be his red shirt.
Chapel smiles. "As the ones who know the Enterprise's crusty yet lovable
chief medical officer best--"
Under his breath the Ensign mutters, "If you can call being pronounced
dead by him evidence of a close association--"
Chapel's smile wavers only slightly. "As I said, the ones who know him
very well in a professional capacity, it is only fitting that we present
the awards for stories featuring the good doctor."
The Ensign interrupts again, still grumbling to himself, "Because he's a
*doctor*, not to be mistaken for any other type of professional, as he
keeps saying every chance he gets."
Chapel's composure cracks a bit and she turns to face the Ensign. "Do
you have a problem, Mister?"
"Oh, no, no problem at all," the Ensign replies. "How can you have a
problem if every time you end up on one of his biobeds you hear the
doctor say, 'He's dead, Jim.' And what kind of confidence is it
supposed to inspire in your patients if everyone keeps referring to the
doctor as 'Bones'?"
Chapel sighs. Obviously deciding to ignore the Ensign, she continues in
her 'announcer' voice, "But it's not only as a masterful physician that
Leonard McCoy gets to shine. He's also a good friend, a confident, a
potential romantic interest. And as befitting his reputation as a
straight-shooter who doesn't hesitate to speak his mind even to the
Captain, he usually gets the best lines!" She turns to her now silent
companion. "The envelope, please."
The Ensign complies, while looking distinctly unhappy.
Chapel slits the envelope open with surgical precision. "Third place
goes to..."Throw The First Stone" by T'Len!"
Ensign Redshirt grabs the envelope. "Second place goes to..."Kith And
Kin" by Rabble Rouser!"
Snatching the envelope back, Chapel clears her throat, failing to see
that the Ensign has sustained a deep paper cut and is writhing around on
the floor in agony. "And first place, in the category of Featuring
Doctor McCoy goes to..."First Do No Harm" by Djinn!"
Once the stage is clear (and freshly mopped), Scotty and Uhura approach
the podium. She looks absolutely stunning in a long gold lame evening
gown. He is in full-dress uniform, which in his case also includes a
kilt. Mercifully (and after long and hard persuasion by the Awards staff
that there isn't time for a musical interlude), he has ditched the bagpipes.
"We're here to present the awards in the category for General Story,"
Scotty says, his distinctive Scottish burr present but not so thick as
to present difficulties for either his audience or the transcriber of
his monologue. "It's not an easy thing, writing a story, especially
about such heroic lads and lasses as the crew of the *original*
Enterprise." He pauses to glare at a group of fans sitting in the front
row, clad in NX-01 era uniforms. "I'm often quoted as saying 'but I
cannae change the laws of physics!' The beauty of fanfic is that
anything within the limits of good storytelling is possible, limited
only by the creativity of the writers. As my friend Mr. Spock has said,
the possibilities are infinite!"
Uhura adds, "And no truer examples can be seen than of the stories it
is our distinct honor to pay homage to this evening."
"Would you like to do the honors, Nyota?" Scotty asks her.
"That's sweet of you to offer, but you can go ahead."
He fumbles with the envelope. "Third place for General Story goes
to..."It's Always Something" by Djinn! Aye, and no truer words were ever
spoken."
Scotty waits for the audience to quiet down. "Second place goes
to..."Not All At Once" by Djinn."
"And first place goes to..." Scotty pauses dramatically, as if he's
about to announce how much time there is before the warp core explodes,
"Weeds" by Rabble Rouser!"
Mr. Spock and Doctor McCoy meet just prior to going on stage. McCoy
greets him. "I'm presenting the awards for Humor or Parody, Spock, but
what are you doing here?"
The Vulcan raises an eyebrow. "I am here to assist you, Doctor."
"You?" McCoy shakes his head in disbelief. "I know this is the humor
category, but is this someone's idea of a sick joke?"
"What seems to be the problem, Doctor?" asks Spock, parting the curtains
and heading onstage. "Do you not think I am qualified to present this
award?"
"No, frankly, I don't," McCoy says as he runs to keep up with him.
"Why not?" asks the science officer.
"Well, for one thing, it would help for the presenter to have a sense of
humor."
"I am indeed qualified, then." Spock pauses. "Or do you think I lack
one, Doctor?"
"Yes, I do," interrupts McCoy. "Don't take this the wrong way, Spock,
but you wouldn't know a joke if it jumped up and bit you on your pointy
little--"
"Doctor McCoy!" yells a member of the awards staff from offstage.
"--ears," finishes McCoy. He grins. "What did you think I was going to say?"
"Never mind," sighs the beleaguered staffer. "Can we get on with it?"
"Yes, that would seem to be why we are here, is it not?" adds Spock.
McCoy shakes his head stubbornly. "I'll prove it to you, Spock, or
rather your own reaction will. Listen to this--a Horta, a Klingon and a
Tribble go into a bar and--"
"That is highly unlikely," Spock cuts in. "A Klingon and a Tribble would
not tolerate each other's company, let alone choose to socialize
together, and a Horta does not ingest--"
"It's a joke!" McCoy says in exasperation. "It's not supposed to be
*real* life."
"I fail to see the logic--"
"There's no logic! It's supposed to be funny!"
"It would appear you have fallen short of your goal, Doctor. Now if you
had chosen a truly humorous or clever bon mot as your example--"
"*Never mind*." McCoy sighs, then holds up the open envelope. "Third
place for Humor or Parody goes to..."Nacelles of Desire" by Jungle Kitty."
Spock takes the envelope. "Second place goes to..."Monday Morning At The
Anti-Matter Cooler" by Jungle Kitty."
McCoy then takes the envelope back to announce the final name. "First
place goes to "Dear Miss Lovelorn" by Jungle Kitty."
Backstage, Rocky is checking to make sure everything is going smoothly
and trips over half a dozen pots of roses parked in the hallway. Picking
up her "My Other Captain Is A RedHead" button (which had fallen off),
she says, "What the heck is going on here?" The mangled flowers she
stumbled over are just a small fraction of what's there. To her
astonishment, the entire area is covered with enough roses to supply
several florists shops. "Where did all these roses come from?"
"Oh, they're here? Good!" says Kirk, as he comes in. He chivalrously
offers a hand to the bruised and scratched woman and helps her to her feet.
"You mean you ordered these?" Rocky asks. "Captain, why did you want
roses? And why so many?"
"I need them for the Kirk Pairing category, of course," he says
smoothly. At her blank look, he adds, "to give out roses to each of the
lucky candidates for my affections."
Rocky rolls her eyes. "But even if you are set on playing 'The
Bachelor', you're only supposed to give a rose to the ones you plan on
keeping."
"Exactly," Kirk says with a gleam in his eyes as he prepares to stride
onstage.
Rocky opens her mouth, then closes it as she takes in his artfully
ripped shirt. "Uh, Captain Kirk..."
"Yes?"
"You've got lipstick on your collar."
"That's all right." Kirk winks conspiratorially. "I've peeked inside the
envelope--there's going to be a lot more where that came from."
"Captain, you're not supposed to peek! That's cheating!"
"I prefer to refer to it as 'changing the conditions of the ceremony,'"
Kirk says, and scooping up an armful of roses, he heads for the podium
and the golden spotlight waiting for him there.
"It is my distinct honor to give out these awards this evening," he
says, making eye contact with the female population of the audience and
smiling. A number of women in the front row promptly swoon. He
continues, "And I deeply appreciate all these delightful romantic
opportunities these writers have given me over the past year...and look
forward to many more." Several more women faint.
"I've certainly tried to make the most of them, but with no further ado
(or medical emergencies, the awards staff add silently)...third place in
the category of Kirk Pairing goes to..."The Family Mythology" by Jungle
Kitty!"
"Second place goes to..."Aridity" by Rabble Rouser!"
"And finally, first place goes to..."Like We Never Had A Broken Heart"
by Djinn! Ladies, you're *all* winners in my book!"
The announcer says, "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome His
Excellency, Khan Noonien Singh."
Khan comes out on stage, a respectful retainer or two by his side. He is
clad in tight Corinthian leather breeches, hip boots, and an open shirt
which displays his bulging pecs and washboard abs to full advantage. A
short gold cape completes his outfit; his long hair is tied back at the
nape of his neck. He gazes at the audience with his dark hypnotic eyes.
The audience immediately falls under Khan's spell; one author in
particular -- dressed in a yellow evening gown -- stands on her
ivory-colored soapbox and yells, "Khhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnn!"
"I am here--because I choose to be--to present the awards for Original
Series Drabble. The drabble is an ancient if underestimated form of
literature--I composed several classics myself in my day--and one of
which I highly approve." He waves his hand dismissively. "I grow
fatigued from too many long epics after a while."
He snaps his fingers and his aide immediately hands him the envelope. He
rips it open, as only a superior specimen of humanity can. "Third place
goes to..." he cocks an eyebrow and bows slightly, "I am honored. "To
Serve In Heaven" by Paula Stiles!"
"Second place goes to "This Time Of The Month" by Ventura33."
"And first place goes to "Intimations Of Mortality" by Rocky."
Ambassador Sarek and his wife Amanda come out on stage. Both are dressed
in long ceremonial Vulcan robes. Sarek holds up two fingers. "My wife,
attend."
Amanda touches her fingers to his, completing the ritual embrace. "I'm
so delighted to be here this evening, Sarek."
"Indeed, that is obvious by your demeanor. But why does this appearance
please you so much, my wife?"
Amanda smiles. "I think it's very fitting that you and I get to present
the awards for Original Series General Pairing."
"Because we are one of the few canon couples?" Sarek says knowingly.
"Because we exemplify a loving pairing, Sarek." Amanda shakes her head
at him fondly. "I suppose you're going to say that love has nothing to
do with why we are together."
"I believe I have said on at least one occasion, Amanda, that I married
you because it was the logical thing to do."
"Logic?" she says incredulously. "That's the only reason?"
"I believe there were others as well," the Ambassador adds
diplomatically after a second or two.
"That's better," Amanda says and hands him the envelope. "Would you care
to do the honors?"
He takes the envelope and opens it with a precise economy of motion.
"Third place goes to..."The Spice of Life" by Saidicam29 and T'Len." He
inclines his head in a satisfied manner.
"Second place goes to..."Heart Line" by Rabble Rouser."
Sarek hands the envelope to Amanda. "You may announce the final placement."
"Thank you," Amanda says. She clears her throat. "First place goes to
"Blood Debt" by Djinn."
Voiceover: "Please welcome Pavel Chekov and Hikaru Sulu to present the
awards for Filk or Poem."
Both men are wearing the maroon jackets of the movie era and Sulu is
sporting captain's pips. "It's great to see you again, Pavel," Sulu
says, "and it makes it even better that we're here as part of the awards
ceremony tonight."
"It certainly is," Chekov says, "and this is a very appropriate award
for us to present."
"And why is that?" Sulu smiles. "Are you going to reveal some hidden
talents for us?"
"Not at all," Chekov says. "I simply meant that it's appropriate as
filks are a Russian invention."
"Oh they are, are they?" asks Sulu in disbelief. "Do you have any proof
to back up your claim?"
Chekov shrugs. "Everybody knows they were invented by a little old lady
outside of St. Petersburg."
Sulu wisely chooses not to pursue the matter. He holds up the envelope
and at Chekov's nod, opens it with a flourish. "Second place goes to
"Pe-Q-liar Adventure" by Ramirasu!"
Chekov then takes the envelope. "And first place goes to..."How Kirk
Should Have Gone Out" by the Phantom."
A woman in a long fur coat comes out on stage. As she reaches the
podium, she lets her coat fall to the floor, revealing that she is clad
in only a fur bikini. To the sound of a few wolf whistles, she tosses
back her blonde hair and says, "I'm here tonight to present the awards
for Spock Pairing--"
"Oh, no, you don't!" says Christine Chapel, charging out on to the
stage. She has exchanged her uniform for a red strapless gown and her
hair is now several shades darker. "I don't know what you think you're
doing here, Zarabeth, but *I'm* supposed to be giving out the awards for
this category."
"I was brought all the way from Sarpeidon for this--" Zarabeth begins.
"I don't care if you came from Venus," Christine interrupts, snatching
at the envelope. "This is my gig, not yours."
Zarabeth gives her an amused smile, while trying to hold the envelope
out of her reach. "Let's not forget which of us actually slept with him
in canon, sweetie, shall we?"
Christine flushes. "That's a low blow."
"If you can't take it, you'd better think twice about dishing it out,"
Zarabeth says. She turns again toward the podium, after first picking up
the somewhat crumpled envelope which had fallen on the floor during
their scuffle.
"Ladies, please. As it would appear you are incapable of working
together, perhaps I should simply present this award myself." At the
sound of the cool voice of logic, both women turn around to see Spock
coming toward them in the white robe of a Vulcan adept.
"She started it!" Zarabeth said pointing at Christine.
"Well, she said--" Christine cuts in.
Spock holds up a hand. "I am not interested." He stares at them for a
long moment. "This emotional display demeans all concerned." He then
takes the envelope and steps up to the podium.
"Spock, is that a rose you've got sticking out of your pocket?"
Christine asks. The look on her face speaks volumes as to her
opinion--and hope-- of why he has it. "Would it be for me, by any chance?"
Surprisingly, Spock turns a very pale shade of green. "No, ah, it is
mine. Given to me by a, er, male friend. A very close, yet platonic
friend. I mean, I am holding it for a friend of mine." He clears his
throat and prepares to read off the first name. "Third place in the
category of Spock Pairing goes to..."Matter of Life And Death" by Djinn."
"Second place goes to "Here Be Dragons" by Djinn."
"And finally, first place goes to "Dream Until Your Dream Comes True" by
Djinn."
Voiceover: "And now, for the final award of the TOS segment of tonight's
dinner, it is our great honor to call upon the creator, the brain and
the very heart of Star Trek and everything it has represented to its
fans for over three decades. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome--"
Brannon Braga starts to rise to his feet but suddenly finds himself
tackled from behind.
"Mr. Gene Roddenberry!"
The audience rises to its feet and gives him a standing ovation. All
except for Rocky and Seema who are sitting on top of something that's
squirming and kicking. A few muffled cries of, "Ouch! Lemme go!" are
heard, but no one pays any attention.
Gene smiles. "Thank you very much, everyone." The applause continues.
"Thank you. It's wonderful to be here tonight, and to see living proof
of how much the original series meant and continues to mean to all of
you. You have kept not only my legacy alive, but also the very
characters I created, guaranteeing that they continue to have new
adventures, keep on seek out new life and civilizations, or at the very
least new twists on old plots."
Gene beckons, and Christopher Pike emerges from the wings, followed by
Number One, Yeoman Colt, Jose Tyler and the rest of his crew. From the
other side of the stage, Kirk enters, together with Spock, McCoy, Uhura,
Scotty, Sulu, Chekov and Chapel. "So with the help of my friends here,
it is with great pleasure that I present the awards for Original Series
Author."
Number One hands Gene the envelope. He opens it and reads out, "Third
place goes to Jungle Kitty!"
"Second place goes to Rabble Rouser!"
"And, first place goes to...Djinn!"
Jungle Kitty
to say that this:
> "I prefer to refer to it as 'changing the conditions of the ceremony,'"
Totally cracked me up.
Perfect!
--
Jungle Kitty
http://www.invisibleplanets.com/
--------------------------------------------------
Q. Who would get the girl--Kirk or James Bond?
A. Kirk would get all the girls under 5'3" and
Bond would get all the girls over 6'. The area
in question is the 9 inches in between. It's
hard to say what would happen there!
- William Shatner
--------------------------------------------------
Jemima Pereira
Jungle Kitty <kitty...@earthlink.net> wrote:
> I'll write a thank-you speech--honest!--but first and foremost, I want
> to say that this:
>
> > "I prefer to refer to it as 'changing the conditions of the ceremony,'"
>
> Totally cracked me up.
Me, too. Khan was also superior, as usual.
jemima
--
______________________
tr...@jemimap.cjbbb.net remove bb to reply
http://jemimap.cjb.net
http://jemimap.freeshell.org
Rabble Rouser
You've got to write more TOS sometime. And more humor. Please?
<still giggling>
- - - - - - - - - -
Rabble Rouser
Story Page:
http://www.geocities.com/rabble_rouser_st/
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Truth tells us what is due to others, and justice renders that due.
Injustice is acting a lie. ~ Horace Walpole
Ventura33
Reluctantly turning away from Kirk, who is still handing out roses to his
admirers, Ventura gets up on the stage and begins to thank ASC's hardworking
awards staff and all the wonderful readers who took the time to give
feedback. Just as she is about to finish speaking, the rumble of an
approaching Horta can be heard, stage right. Kirk turns very pale and
tosses all his remaining roses into Jungle Kitty's eager arms before he
makes a dash for the exit. A star-struck Jungle Kitty tries to declare her
everlasting love for the handsome Captain, but it comes out sounding more
like "Burblegoopdydeefoo," before she swoons.
At that point, a rose-deprived Ventura, after coming to the unfortunate
conclusion that she's not going to get kissed by Kirk tonight, seriously
considers throwing a brick at the interfering Horta. On second thought,
however, the obnoxious alien would probably regard a brick as a tasty
treat -- sort of like a chocolate bar. Ventura settles for waving
graciously at the audience, hoping they didn't hear that cussword she just
muttered, and hurries off the stage. Maybe there's still time to catch up
to Kirk on his way out.
Jungle Kitty
>
> A star-struck Jungle Kitty tries to declare her
> everlasting love for the handsome Captain, but it comes out sounding more
> like "Burblegoopdydeefoo," before she swoons.
Oh, good, Ventura wrote my speech for me! :-D
Djinn
>
> In the background, the Awards staff hears a voiceover which sounds
> suspiciously like Ed McMahon: "And now, to present the awards for the
> category Featuring Doctor McCoy, please welcome Nurse Christine Chapel."
...
> Snatching the envelope back, Chapel clears her throat, failing to see
> that the Ensign has sustained a deep paper cut and is writhing around on
> the floor in agony. "And first place, in the category of Featuring
> Doctor McCoy goes to..."First Do No Harm" by Djinn!"
Leonard McCoy pushes his way past Djinn and hurries to the microphone. "I
just want to say it's a damned crime what she did to my character! I would
never--" He sees Chapel winking at him, then notices the bleeding ensign,
and doesn't realize that Djinn is coming up behind him until she wrestles
the microphone away from him. "What the good doctor is trying to say,"
Djinn notes as she throws a grateful smile Chapel's way, "is that he's as
thrilled as I am that you liked this dark little story. Thanks!!"
With a "Hrrumph," McCoy saves the ensign's life (or at least bandages his
cut) before following Djinn offstage.
>
> Once the stage is clear (and freshly mopped), Scotty and Uhura approach
> the podium. She looks absolutely stunning in a long gold lame evening
> gown. He is in full-dress uniform, which in his case also includes a
> kilt. Mercifully (and after long and hard persuasion by the Awards staff
> that there isn't time for a musical interlude), he has ditched the
bagpipes.
>
> "We're here to present the awards in the category for General Story,"
> Scotty says, his distinctive Scottish burr present but not so thick as
> to present difficulties for either his audience or the transcriber of
> his monologue.
...
> He fumbles with the envelope. "Third place for General Story goes
> to..."It's Always Something" by Djinn! Aye, and no truer words were ever
> spoken."
>
> Scotty waits for the audience to quiet down. "Second place goes
> to..."Not All At Once" by Djinn."
>
Djinn, looking over her shoulder, rushes out to the stage. "I need to make
this quick because--" A hand falls on her shoulder and she gulps audibly.
"Khan, you made it."
"Of course I made it. I wouldn't miss this" --Khan puts his hands on his
hips and surveys the room, nodding to an already swooning author in the
audience as he does so-- "for the world." He turns to Djinn, runs a hand
down her cheek. "And I owe you so much for giving me a chance to tell my
side of the story. It would not have been fair to only hear Marla's point
of view. I am in your debt. And I always pay my debts."
"Yay?" Djinn whimpers.
"Tell them how much we appreciate this," Khan suggests.
"We really appreciate this."
"Tell them you will write more about me next year."
Djinn gulps. "I will?"
Khan nods soberly, then leans in and whispers, "We can discuss that in
private." He turns to the crowd. "Thank you, I am honored you enjoyed Not
All at Once." Then he leads a trembling Djinn offstage. As they walk,
they pass a surprised Colonel Randall Kerr who looks at his creator with a
'You need help?' kind of expression. When she shakes her head uncertainly,
he mutters, "Suit yourself, boss," and keeps walking to the mike.
Smiling at the crowd, he says, "Djinn wanted me to say a few words and thank
you for reading 'It's Always Something' and the others in the Carter Series
and for giving us original characters a chance. We're glad to be here and
glad you like the stories! Thanks!"
He heads back offstage, giving Seema and Sara a heartstopping grin as he
asks, "Have you seen Djinn? She was with a tall guy, great pecs, menacing
air?"
They both point over their shoulders and he nods his thanks and goes to
rescue his creator. Or join in the fun. Whichever.
>
> "I prefer to refer to it as 'changing the conditions of the ceremony,'"
> Kirk says, and scooping up an armful of roses, he heads for the podium
> and the golden spotlight waiting for him there.
>
> "It is my distinct honor to give out these awards this evening," he
> says, making eye contact with the female population of the audience and
> smiling. A number of women in the front row promptly swoon. He
> continues, "And I deeply appreciate all these delightful romantic
> opportunities these writers have given me over the past year...and look
> forward to many more." Several more women faint.
...
> "And finally, first place goes to..."Like We Never Had A Broken Heart"
> by Djinn! Ladies, you're *all* winners in my book!"
As Kirk leaves by one exit, another Kirk and Christine Chapel stroll out to
the podium from the other side of the stage. He swings her hand slightly as
they walk. "Chris. We're here to accept this award for Djinn." He smiles
at Chapel, then turns the charm on the audience. "Chris is used to working
with Djinn, but I'm sort of a new subject for her, and I'm very glad she
decided to give me and us a go."
Chapel laughs. "Even if she was muttering the whole time that she was out
of her mind for putting us together as a couple."
Kirk grins. "I don't mind. Do you?"
Chapel shakes her head and leans in to kiss him, then realizes Spock is
glaring at them from the curtain where Djinn is physically restraining him.
"I wish we could say that about everyone."
"Their loss." Kirk says with a shrug. "On behalf of Djinn, I'd like to say
thank you for reading this story and for the feedback. It means more than
you'll ever know."
Chapel leans into the mike. "Thanks."
They walk across the stage so they can avoid Spock who is still glaring at
them.
>
> Amanda smiles. "I think it's very fitting that you and I get to present
> the awards for Original Series General Pairing."
...
> Sarek hands the envelope to Amanda. "You may announce the final
placement."
>
> "Thank you," Amanda says. She clears her throat. "First place goes to
> "Blood Debt" by Djinn."
Djinn, dodging a variety of Vulcan and Romulan characters, several dogs, and
one very pissed off bird, hurries to the stage. "This story was a labor of
love and very hard at times to write. Some stories are easy, and others
leave us in a bit of a dark place when we are finished. I'm so excited that
you responded to this story, and that you gave me such wonderful feedback
for it! Thank you!" She dodges the still pissed off hawk and hurries back
offstage.
>
> A woman in a long fur coat comes out on stage. As she reaches the
> podium, she lets her coat fall to the floor, revealing that she is clad
> in only a fur bikini. To the sound of a few wolf whistles, she tosses
> back her blonde hair and says, "I'm here tonight to present the awards
> for Spock Pairing--"
>
> "Oh, no, you don't!" says Christine Chapel, charging out on to the
> stage. She has exchanged her uniform for a red strapless gown and her
> hair is now several shades darker. "I don't know what you think you're
> doing here, Zarabeth, but *I'm* supposed to be giving out the awards for
> this category."
...
> Surprisingly, Spock turns a very pale shade of green. "No, ah, it is
> mine. Given to me by a, er, male friend. A very close, yet platonic
> friend. I mean, I am holding it for a friend of mine." He clears his
> throat and prepares to read off the first name. "Third place in the
> category of Spock Pairing goes to..."Matter of Life And Death" by Djinn."
>
> "Second place goes to "Here Be Dragons" by Djinn."
>
> "And finally, first place goes to "Dream Until Your Dream Comes True" by
> Djinn."
As their doppelgangers, still arguing with Zarabeth, exit, another Spock
pulls another Chapel away from Kirk and hauls her onstage.
"Okay, okay," she says, straightening her black dress with a laugh. "God,
possessive much?"
"I do not know why I bother to be, Djinn never lets us be happy."
Chapel nods. "Well, that's pretty much true. But she does let us have some
fun every now and then."
"Fun is not the end all and be all of life, Christine." He looks over, sees
she is rolling her eyes and turns back to the crowd. "At least I have my
own ship in two of these." He looks back at Chapel. "But I cannot approve
of your behavior in Dream Until Your Dream Comes True."
"Yeah, well, you win some, you lose some, Spock." Chapel sees Djinn about
to hurry onstage. "Okay, our author is telling us to hurry the hell up. So
let me just say thank you for reading about us, thank you for liking us, and
I hope she keeps writing more stuff to please you in the future."
Spock nods approval and they walk offstage together, hands reaching out for
each other when they think nobody is watching them any longer.
> "Mr. Gene Roddenberry!"
>
...
>
> Gene beckons, and Christopher Pike emerges from the wings, followed by
> Number One, Yeoman Colt, Jose Tyler and the rest of his crew. From the
> other side of the stage, Kirk enters, together with Spock, McCoy, Uhura,
> Scotty, Sulu, Chekov and Chapel. "So with the help of my friends here,
> it is with great pleasure that I present the awards for Original Series
> Author."
>
> Number One hands Gene the envelope. He opens it and reads out, "Third
> place goes to Jungle Kitty!"
>
> "Second place goes to Rabble Rouser!"
>
> "And, first place goes to...Djinn!"
Djinn, helping to clean up where one of Pike's crew dropped his drink, looks
up in shock. Throwing her rag down she makes sure her dress is hanging
right, pats her hair down, and hurries out onstage. "This is such an honor,
I just can't tell you." She looks back and winks at Chapel, then gives a
big thumbs up to her fellow winners. "And this is great company to be in!
I'm so touched that you like my stories. I can't imagine a bigger thrill
than writing a story and having it be a hit." She grins, sees her smile
echoed by the other authors in the audience. They know what she means. "I
humbly thank my muse, who often tells me to do things with these characters
that seem pretty darn odd. But she's usually right and this award goes to
her--I'm just the scribbler that tries to keep up with her magic." Djinn
beams, enjoying the moment, then hurries back offstage.
Rabble Rouser
>Kin" by Rabble Rouser!"
>
>Snatching the envelope back, Chapel clears her throat, failing to see
>that the Ensign has sustained a deep paper cut and is writhing around on
>the floor in agony. "And first place, in the category of Featuring
>Doctor McCoy goes to..."First Do No Harm" by Djinn!"
is arguing with Djinn, takes the doctor's arm and says, "Hey, Djinn, mind if I
borrow him? and pushes him toward the stage.
McCoy glares at her. "I don't know why I should do you any favors. At least
with Djinn I got to have some fun!"
RR glares back not the least bit intimidated. "Just think what I can do to you
if you don't cooperate," and giving her one last angry look, McCoy steps up to
the podium.
"On behalf of the author, I'd like to thank everyone for their comments for
"Kith and Kin." He takes the jpeg and tosses it down to RR. "There. Happy?" and
stalks off in Chapel's direction.
>"And first place goes to..." Scotty pauses dramatically, as if he's
>about to announce how much time there is before the warp core explodes,
>"Weeds" by Rabble Rouser!"
McGivers slowly walks to the podium seeming to look around the audience for
someone. She jumps when she hears a voice behind her. "My beloved wife." She
shivers, then her face hardens. "I'd like to thank everyone for their comments
on my story, 'Weeds' and remind everyone here not to underestimate me.
Payback's a bitch." Holding her head and the jpeg high she struts off the stage
ignoring Khan's pleas behind her.
>"Second place goes to..."Aridity" by Rabble Rouser!"
Janice Rand erupts to her feet and begins to kiss and hug everyone around her.
She is dressed in -- what else? -- a pink taffeta gown hugging her curves. She
makes her way to the podium blowing kisses and throwing a few glares at her
rivals. Kirk hands her a rose and she throws herself tightly against him and
locks lips. Uhura yells from the audience, "You go, girl!" while Chapel looks
strangely unhappy. Finally, Rocky makes her way to the couple, tries a discreet
cough, then none too gently pries Rand from Kirk.
"I didn't mind," Kirk says. Rocky just shakes her head and guides Rand to the
podium.
The blonde looks at the audience and blinks back tears. "I wanted more than
anything to have your respect. For first time, with this award for "Aridity" I
really feel it and I can't deny the fact you like me. Right now, you really
like me! Thank you!"
>"Second place goes to..."Heart Line" by Rabble Rouser."
Uhura returns to the stage giving a regal wave to the audience. "I thought I'd
sing for you 'Beyond Antares' but RR threatened to pair me with...well, I'd
rather not think about it--just frightening." She shudders. "So on behalf of
the author, I'd like to thank everyone for all the kind remarks about 'Heart
Line.'"
>"Second place goes to Rabble Rouser!"
RR walks to the podium in a daze, her hair and makeup in disarray, holding a
single rose and with a dreamy smile on her face. She stares out into the
audience for a long time until Djinn pinches her hard.
"Ow...oh...sorry, I was just with Kirk and..." This time Djinn has to shake her
to bring her out of it. "Sorry about that. I just want to thank everyone who
commented on any of my stories this year. It's an honor to be in this company.
I also want to thank those who took the time to comment and beta my stories
when first in draft, Trekki, Wildcat, Kathy, Jungle Kitty, but above all Djinn.
You rock, my friend! Thank you all soooo much!"
Rocky
> Excellency, Khan Noonien Singh."
>
> Khan comes out on stage, a respectful retainer or two by his side. He is
> clad in tight Corinthian leather breeches, hip boots, and an open shirt
> which displays his bulging pecs and washboard abs to full advantage. A
> short gold cape completes his outfit; his long hair is tied back at the
> nape of his neck. He gazes at the audience with his dark hypnotic eyes.
> The audience immediately falls under Khan's spell; one author in
> particular -- dressed in a yellow evening gown -- stands on her
> ivory-colored soapbox and yells, "Khhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnn!"
>
> "I am here--because I choose to be--to present the awards for Original
> Series Drabble. The drabble is an ancient if underestimated form of
> literature--I composed several classics myself in my day--and one of
> which I highly approve." He waves his hand dismissively. "I grow
> fatigued from too many long epics after a while."
>
> He snaps his fingers and his aide immediately hands him the envelope. He
> rips it open, as only a superior specimen of humanity can. "Third place
> goes to..." he cocks an eyebrow and bows slightly, "I am honored. "To
> Serve In Heaven" by Paula Stiles!"
>
> "Second place goes to "This Time Of The Month" by Ventura33."
>
> "And first place goes to "Intimations Of Mortality" by Rocky."
Rocky emerges from the wings, still nursing numerous scratches, but
now clutching a rose for her trouble. Khan gazes at her intently and
then extends his hand. Rocky takes it, expecting a simple handshake,
but finds herself lifted high in the air.
"I remember you," Khan says thoughtfully.
"Glad to hear it," Rocky says, trying to look as dignified as possible
with her feet dangling. "Now if you'd like to put me down..."
"I like your spirit," Khan says. His smile leaves no doubt that he
could crush her with one finger. But after another second or two, he
does comply with her request.
"Thank you," Rocky says, a bit breathlessly. She then turns toward the
audience. "I'd also like to thank everyone involved in this award.
Although TOS was my first love--" unconsciously her hand strays to her
rose "--I've only dabbled, er drabbled, a bit in the series till now.
I'm honored that my first--but not last!--foray was so richly
rewarded."
Declining Khan's arm, Rocky walks off the stage alone.
-Rocky
Visit Rocky's Road to Voyager
http://www.angelfire.com/yt/rockyroad
Jungle Kitty
> "It would appear you have fallen short of your goal, Doctor. Now if you
> had chosen a truly humorous or clever bon mot as your example--"
>
> "*Never mind*." McCoy sighs, then holds up the open envelope. "Third
> place for Humor or Parody goes to..."Nacelles of Desire" by Jungle Kitty."
A 14-year-old girl enters and approaches Dr. McCoy. She's wearing a
cheap knockoff of whatever Britney Spears was wearing in the most recent
picture you saw. Hands on her hips, she rolls her eyes with undisguised
irritation.
"Excuse me!"
Dr. McCoy sees her and smiles warmly. "Well, hello there, miss, can I--"
"You've made a mistake, you stupid old fart. Jungle Kitty didn't write
that story. *I* did."
McCoy turns on Spock. "Did you give me the wrong envelope?"
"I assure you--"
"I don't care what it says on your envelope. I'm Kerensa Ravenwing and
*I* wrote 'Nacelles of Desire' and if Jungle Kitty has a problem with
it, she can kiss my--"
"KERENSA!" comes a screech from offstage.
"All right, MOM!" Kerensa's screech easily matches her mother's and has
the added play value of four extra syllables in the word 'Mom.' "Jeez, I
told her to drop me off and GO HOME!"
In the audience, Jungle Kitty is knocking 'em back as quickly as she
can, praying that everyone will believe that Kerensa is solely
responsible for the story, give the child the award, and SEND HER HOME.
"OK, so what do I get?"
"Here is your award." Spock hands Kerensa a .jpeg that she eyes
suspiciously.
"Yeah? And?"
"And...congratulations."
"That's it? I slaved on that story for an entire forty-five minutes and
this is my award?"
"KERENSA, MIND YOUR MANNERS!"
"All right, MOM!" Six syllables in 'Mom' this time. "OK, I thought this
was like a big deal so I started working a sequel cuz that's like the
best thing, right? I mean, you guys always want more stories, OK, so
here's what I've been working on."
She pulls a wrinkled sheet of notebook paper out of her purse, looks at
Spock, then at McCoy, then back at Spock.
"Don't read over my shoulder."
The two men step back as Kerensa begins to read.
"When last we saw James T. Kirk, youngest captain of the Enterprise and
handsomest and coolest and he looks a lot like my boyfriend--"
"Please God make her stop," JK mumbles as she plunges her head into the
champagne bucket.
"--he had been thrown to the floor by a red alert and out of the arms of
his hot Vulcan paramour--that's you, Point-Ears--so now it's like an
hour or so later and he's a prisoner on the ship that attacked them and
in comes this gorgeous woman who's really sexy and Kirk's all 'Who are
you? Where's Spock and my crew, huh?' She gives him a sexy sneer and
says, 'Spock and your crew are being ground up into pet food--'"
"Wait a minute--" McCoy steps forward.
"'--except for the doctor cuz he bought his freedom with some way cool
drugs--'"
"Oh, that's all right," says McCoy.
"--and I am Kerensa, Beautiful and Tempestuous Queen of the Butt-Pirates
of the Neutral Zone!"
Not the butt-pirates, Kirk quaked inwardly.
"Not the butt-pirates," JK quaked outwardly.
"Yes, the butt-pirates!" Kerensa's voice booms throughout the
auditorium. "And this is K'ornholio my first mate." She looks up at the
audience. "What's so funny? What are you laughing at? ANSWER ME!"
Seema--who has long acquaintance with Kerensa--scurries onstage and
whispers in the young authoress's ear.
"What do you mean, this is the HUMOR CATEGORY? I won for HUMOR?"
"'Fraid so."
"But--but--but my story is beautiful and romantic and sad and it's going
to be tragical and--STOP LAUGHING!--You don't deserve my story! I don't
care how much feedback you send, I'm never writing another word and
you'll never know how Captain Kirk falls in love with Kerensa and has a
beautiful wedding and conquers the butt-pirates and has the coolest
adventures ever, SO THERE! I hope you choke on your stupid award!"
She tosses the .jpeg at Spock and stomps offstage. Spock carefully
smooths the spindled .jpeg and carries it out into the audience.
"I believe this is yours," he says as he hands it to Jungle Kitty.
Gathering the tattered, drunken shards of her dignity, she accepts the
.jpeg with a slow nod of her head. "I'll treasure it always."
Spock returns to the stage where McCoy attempts to high-five him. "I
take it all back, Spock boy. That's one wicked sense of humor you've got
there."
"Indeed. Moving on..."
>
> Spock takes the envelope. "Second place goes to..."Monday Morning At The
> Anti-Matter Cooler" by Jungle Kitty."
Jungle Kitty casts a long, wary glance around the auditorium and then
takes the stage with some trepidation.
"I was afraid the two stars of the story might want to accept this."
"Don't worry," McCoy reassures her. "I certified them myself. They're
dead."
"Jim," JK adds.
"I'm Bones."
"No, you're supposed to say 'They're dead, Jim.'"
"But you're not Jim."
JK turns to Spock. "He really doesn't have a sense of humor, does he?"
"I have frequently scanned him for one and must report that all readings
are negative."
"Why, you green-blooded--"
"Excuse me, could you two bicker on your own time? Thanks." She turns to
the audience. "Thank you all so much for enjoying my story. I'm
frequently asked if it's based on events from real life and I have to
answer yes, it is. Stuff like that happens at my job every day. Thank
you for your support and encouragement!"
> McCoy then takes the envelope back to announce the final name. "First
> place goes to "Dear Miss Lovelorn" by Jungle Kitty."
"Me again?" Jungle Kitty grins hugely and twirls on McCoy. "I don't care
if you don't have a sense of humor--" She plants a giant kiss on him,
after which he staggers away in a haze of ecstatic stupefaction. "And
you--" she turns her attention to Spock who is quaking both inwardly and
outwardly--"ou technobabble-spewing god of geeks everywhere, you don't
have much of one either, but I'll kiss you anyway." And she does. And he
falls dizzily and happily into the orchestra pit.
Rimshot.
"Miss Lovelorn couldn't be here tonight. Well, actually, she could but
after reading all those letters, she's afraid to meet these people in
person. So on behalf of me, myself, and all my muses--" She raises her
hands high above her head a la James Cameron and roars, "I'M QUEEN OF
THE BUTT-PIRATES!" Then in a more modest tone, "Thank you very much."
***
And later...
> "I've certainly tried to make the most of them, but with no further ado
> (or medical emergencies, the awards staff add silently)...third place in
> the category of Kirk Pairing goes to..."The Family Mythology" by Jungle
> Kitty!"
Jungle Kitty approaches Kirk with a certain gleam in her eye, which is
matched--no, surpassed--by the gleam in his. Taking her in his arms, he
turns her so the camera gets both their good sides (and thanks to a
handy rip in the space-time continuum, in 1971, JK's college roommate
grints enviously as she recognizes an incipient 'Captain Kirk special'
about to happen to her buddy). Then with the smile that has turned knees
to jelly all across the galaxy, he pulls back and says, "I'm not sure
I'm ready to kiss the Queen of the Butt-Pirates."
"Yes, you are."
She's right.
***Pause for station identification and a fund-raising segment on behalf
of the Trekiverse Broadcasting Corporation, hosted by Gary Lockwood and
Jonk.***
"I've slept with more women than William Shatner and Warren Beatty put
together! And I don't give a shit who knows it!"
"Give it a rest, Lockwood. If you really didn't give a shit, you
wouldn't keep talking about it."
"Where's that other chick? The one who was impressed with me?"
"She ran off with the juggler. Folks, I hope you're enjoying this awards
ceremony as much as I am. And if you'd like to see more of it, send
three simple payments of 114 quatloos each to Trekiverse, c/o Usenet. In
return, you'll receive this 18-hour videotape showing highlights of the
award ceremonies from the past five years, outtakes from the Star Trek
Claymation Special--I just about split a gut laughing every time that
Goliath dog crashes the set and eats Chekov's arm--plus this beautiful
'I sent feedback' .gif, suitable for framing or selling on eBay. And now
back to the show."
"I have too slept with--"
ZZZTTTT!
Back onstage, Kirk is pulling his boots on and JK is combing her hair in
the starburst mirror. Kirk catches her attention by clearing his throat
and nodding toward the audience.
"Oh! Hello again. Well, I guess there's not much left to say except..."
"'Thank you,'" Kirk whispers.
"You're welcome, darling."
She gives his butt a playful smack with the hairbrush and leaves the
stage.
--
Jungle Kitty
http://www.invisibleplanets.com/
-------------------------------------------------------
[D]idn't they ever have casual-friday on Enterprise?
Or at least 'ditch-the-freakin'-spandex' thursday?
http://www.happyfunpundit.com/hfp/archives/000514.html
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