Rated: R for sarcasm. Spot the deliberate mistakes sweeties! Could
be funny but that depends on your sense of humour. If you do laugh, that is
great... :-) If you don't, I live in a country far, far away, so it's
almost impossible to tar and feather me...
Disclaimer: Everybody belongs to Paramount. Xenical belongs to some
horrible drug company. Don't sue me, because I don't have any money.
Besides, legally, I think this gets classed as 'parody'...
THE ULTIMATE MARY SUE
Chocotay, the First Office of the Starship Voyager who used to serve
in the Marquis until his ship was captured by Kathryn Janeway while they
were running from her in the Badlands, scaned the sensors and saw that there
was a mysterious craft out there in space somewhere. He didn't know how it
had got there, just that it was out there in space and they had better get
it on the ship and check it out. He turned to Harry Kim, the young Ensign
who had come aboard Voyager on his very first mission.
*That boy's really matured since he's been on board. Pity he can't
ever seem to get a date* he thought to himself.
"Harry, can you tell me about that ship out there?"
"Yes. The sensors are saying that it's some kind of ship. I'm not
sure what it is though. It's got some sort of sheilding on it."
"We'd better beam it aboard then and check it out." Said Chocotay.
"Aye sir," said Harry.
Chocotay's communicator had gone off.
"Chocotay here," said Chocotay.
"Chocotay is that you?" said a familiar female voice that could drip
sulty warmth but now was full of grit and determination. It was his
captain. Captain Janeway. The woman who had rescued him and his crew when
they were caught in the Caretaker's energy wave in the Badlands all those
"Aye Captain," said Chocotay.
"I hear there's some sort of ship out there."
"Yes. We are just bringing it aboard. WE're going to put it in Cargo
"Okay. Well I am going to be early. See you in the morning."
"Bye," said Chocotay and hung up.
*Kathryn's really matured as a Captain since we've been in the Delta
Quadrant but she works so hard I wonder if there is anything I could do for
her that would cheer her up?* thought Chocotay.
"We have the ship aboard Commander," said Harry Kim.
"Well, we'd better take a look then," said Chocotay.
He and Kim and Tom Paris, who he had always hated, and Tuvok went down
to Cargo Bay Two.
In Cargo Bay Two they were shocked. The ship contained people that
had been cryogenially frozen! Paris, who had some medical training, went in
to try and find out who they could save and Harry got the Doctor down.
Unfortunately they could save only one person because the containment
capsules were all damaged, except for one, which contained a women.
The Doctor concentrated on defrosting her.
"Luckily I'm such an excellent physican," said the EMH in his usual
arrogant stuck-up manner.
*That Doctor really is stuck up*, thought Chocotay to himself but
didn't say out loud.
Paris was staring open mouthed at the capsule as it opened. Inside
was a woman. And what a woman.
"My God. She's HUGE!" said Harry Kim.
Yes, she appeared like a vision before them. Her short practical hair
cut framed her puffy rounded face, her body was a huge collection of puffy
"Wow," said Paris in a deep voice, "she's really fat."
Earth hadn't seen a fat woman since they were banned at the end of the
21st century and they had all been put on a third generation derivative of
Xenical. Then they had found the gene for fatness and it had never been
Many men in the 24th century found themselves attracted to this
"She's beautiful," said Chocotay out loud, not that he meant to, he
"Did you just say that out loud Commander?" joked Tom Paris, the
ship's resident comedian and man with a shady past who had a lot of problems
but was trying hard to mature with the help of his soul-mate Bilana Tores,
who was a sexy engineering half Klingon.
"None of your business," snapped Chocotay because he didn't like Tom
Paris even though he had saved his life once. Mind you he did find the man
curiously and infuriatingly arousing but he supressed these thoughts, not
because they were wrong and bad, but he could never see himself having a
love affair with a man that was that much of a screw-up.
"We'd better beam her to sickbay," said the Doctor.
"Okay," said Chocotay. "Transporter room, two to beam to sickbay."
The beautiful fully formed form of their visitor sparkled out of view.
Chocotay assigned Harry to disposing of the bodies and then he left to go to
sickbay to pay their newest addition to the crew a visit.
When he got to sockbay she was had already woken up thanks to the
Doctor's brilliant medical abilities.
"She's awake, due to my brilliant medical abilities," said the Doctor
in a smug tone of voice.
The woman was looking around the sickbay, trembling and pale, looking
distraught. She looked so vunerable and innocent with her body pushing the
limits of her sickbay clothing she had been issued.
"Who the fuck are you, and where the fuck are my clothese?" she stated
bravely to the handsome first office.
*What a feisty, grogeous woman* thought Chocotay.
The woman was finally taking notice or her surroundings.
"Jesus H-Christ on a stick! Where the fuck am I?"
*My God, I think I'm in love* thought Chocotay.
"My God, you're beautiful," he said to the woman and then regretted it
because she looked slightly spooked.
Luckily at that moment the EMH came closer to the diagnostic waving a
"Now Miss, you'll be pleased to know that I have managed to cure some
of your afflictions through the wonders of 24th century medical technology."
"That's Ms to you, your asshole," replied the woman.
"Anyway," said the EMH, completely unphased. "Your perpetual acne
problem as been completely cleared up, and your eyesight restored to perfect
The woman blinked and noticed that she could see more clearly.
"What's your name?" inquired Chocotay.
*My God, what a beautiful name* though Chocotay.
Before Chocotay could continue the conversation, the EMH once more
"I haven't finished yet. There is some bad news. I have cured your
acne, corrected your eyesight and I think with a lot of 24th Century Xenical
we could get most of that extra fat off you in around six months or so.
Unfortunately I was unable to cure your fatal genetic disease that will
cause your aorta to explode in approximately two weeks."
"Bugger," said the woman. "Those bastards who froze me said that
they'd have a cure for it in the future. What a rip-off."
"We could put you back into a stasis chamber," suggested the Doctor.
"Fuck off. I'm not waiting another three hundred years in the vain
hope someone figures out what to do. I'm going to live out my last two
weeks in dignity thank you very much. Now somebody find me some clothese
and tell me how the hell to get some chocolate in this dump."
Chocotay smiled at her and thought of how amazed she'd be once she
saw what a replicator could do.
Sitting in Neelix's messhall, clothed in her new extra stretchy
spandex, Agnes was enjoying the use of the replicators. She found herself
surrounded by a host of male admirers who were watching her fork a chocolate
sundae into her mouth with dreamy looks on their faces.
Quite frankly, she found it disturbing.
Especially that Chocotay guy.
"Look guys, haven't you ever seen a fat chick before?"
"Only in photos," murmured a lust crazed Harry Kim.
"Huh?" she said around a mouthful of sundae.
"They were banned at the end of the 21st century," said Harry.
"No kidding? Fuck me," said Agnes for lack of anything better to say
and because she was horrified at the fate that genetic engineering had
"Gladly," whispered Chocotay.
"Get away from me you creep," she whispered back.
Tom Paris leant forward to try and explain, seeing as how he was the
resident twentieth century expert and all.
"Well, you know, things were a lot less tolerant back then and fashion
designers had a lot more power, so the drug companies finally perfected the
ultimate weight loss pill. Every one got very thin, especially the women
and it was then that men discovered that having sex with very thin women
results in nothing but bruised hips. By then it was too late. They'd
eliminated the gene."
"There hasn't been a fat person on Earth since the 22nd Century," said
Harry shaking his head sadly.
"Or for that matter homosexuals, bisexuals or left handed people.
Well, they still pop up in non-monitored populations occassionally but
Starfleet does have a policy of intervening when it can and saving them from
themselves. Starfleet likes everyone to nice and homogenous."
"My God - there aren't any black people either?!"
They all looked appalled.
"This is the 24th Century - we're not racists! They only corrected
Agnes frowned at them, wondered what they'd do if she just turned
around and randomly punched someone's lights out. Some of her best friends
were gay. Besides which, she'd always found gay men to be, on the whole, a
lot better at conversation than any het guys she met. Even better, gay guys
could also give good fashion advice.
She didn't think she liked the 24th Century that much. It was clean,
genetically engineered and populated by bland good looking people.
Obviously variety in the human race wasn't exactly a treasured feature on
Earth in the future.
Agnes scooped up some more ice cream, licked off the small droplets
that fell onto her fingers. Several of the men gulped. Chocotay swallowed.
"I think I have to go back to the Bridge," he said, hastily standing
up and bashing his thigh on the table.
Her crowd scampered off.
She kept eating her sundae and sized up the short warthog of a cook
murdering some vegetable dish. At least he looked like he could be some
fun. She reminded herself to go and talk to him once she'd licked the bowl
Captain Janeway wasn't pleased that her normally punctual First
Officer was late for the start of his after lunch break shift at 21:00. In
fact both Chocotay, Paris and Kim were all late. Paris she expected to be
late, the guy had so many issues with authority but Kim was a fresh green
horned top graduate and Chocotay took his duties seriously.
"Sorry Captain," he apologised. "We were just talking to the woman
from the cryogenacs ship. She's... fascinating."
*I wonder if Kathryn can read my mind* thought Chocotay because she
was looking at him strangely with that stern expression that masked the fact
that she was a sad, lonely woman who needed some male company because she
was a woman and after all, wasn't that really what a woman wanted no matter
what kind of responsibilities she had?
"Agnes is terrific Captain," added Tom Paris.
"She's really fat," chirped in Harry eagerly.
Fat. Kathryn's face fell. She couldn't compete with that. She knew
that she had lost Chocotay at that moment.
*I can't compete with that* she thought. Her mind flashed back to her
days with Mark and his strange obsession with her Irish Setter. Why did all
the men she dared to love end up being so inaccessible for one reason or
another? Well, she was going to meet this Agnes and at least see what all
the fuss was about and then maybe she could figure out how to compete.
After her shift ended, Kathryn went down to Agnes'es quarters to meet
her with the intention of making short work of her but Agnes was so nice she
couldn't do anything but look at her own thin scrawny chicken arms and flat
chest and be really depressed.
She resolved to go and find Seven and take it out on the resident Borg
ex-drone. She'd always felt an odd ambivilance between maternal instincts
for Seven and other feelings which she wasn't quite sure about but figured
that she should talk to the EMH about because it probably wasn't healthy.
But anyway she went down to Cargo Bay 2 and found Seven and then she
was crying because she really missed men and it was hard being the Captain
and being in charge all the time. She wasn't really cut out for it. She
was so tiny. And a woman. It was so hard to be so responsible.
Seven patted her on the back and comforted her by telling her that
Borg drones only new total equality and even better, the Queen was in
charge. Of course, the Queen was kind of sad and lonely too and actually
pined for a male equal and that had caused quite a few problems with being
two timed by those creeps Picard and Data but all they could really hope for
was that they kept trying to meet a nice man, because they had to be out
there somewhere in the Universe if only they kept looking.
Then they cried together, drank some tea and Kathryn helped Seven
practise applying lipstick.
Agnes was getting really sick of the men who were suriptissuely
following her about and also she was getting sick of strange requests coming
through to her new quarters that always featured the words, "I am an amateur
holoimager and would like to take artistic shots of you naked."
And that sicko Chockotay kept hanging around. God, but that man was
creepy. He kept giving her scholarly articles about how fat was actually a
brilliant genetic adaption to harsh physical conditions. Well, duh.
He'd invited her to his office under the pretense of seeing if she
had any skills that could be useful on the ship despite that she only had
two weeks to live. Apparently everyone just wanted to be terribly useful in
the 24th century and to hell with the whole dying thing. The Doctor had
told her with a straight face that a dead crewmember had turned up for his
duty in Engineering and had only left when it was time for his funeral, at
which point he'd been stuck in a photon torpedoe casing and shot out into
space. The Doctor kept muttering about the wonders of nanoprobes. It
sounded positively disgusting whatever they were. Anyway, she'd mentioned
that she used to be a technical writer which qualified as one of the world's
most boring and unrewarding jobs because everyone hated technical writers
and no matter what they did, nobody ever read the manuals any way.
"A technical writer!? By the Mighty Spirits of the Buffulo Plains
Upon Which My Ancestors Once Roamed Unhindred by the Evil White Man, you
possess a long lost skill! If only we were back in the Alpha Quadrant -
Starfleet Academy would snap you up in a second."
"Huh?" said Agnes.
*She's so beautiful* thought Chocotay.
"For some reason when they were practising all that genetic
engineering in the 22nd century we sort of also lost several key abilities.
Writing was one of them."
"You guys can't write?!"
"No, but that's okay because everything is voice command driven
anyway, or we just push some button thinggies and something always happens."
"Holy fucking shit," said Agnes.
"Anyway, if you could document, in writing, Voyager's entire operating
systems before you ... you know, die... that would be hugely appreciated."
She cross her arms over her ample breasts.
"I've got two weeks to live and you want to me to write a manual?"
"Yes," said Chocotay completely serious.
"I'm not spending my last two weeks writing a manual."
"But... you can't say no. We're more evolved than that in the 24th
Century. We do things to improve ourselves and contribute for the
betterment of mankind."
Chocotay had no idea what to say that. He thought he'd better go and
see the Captain.
Kathryn had an immediate solution.
"Lock her up in the brig until she agrees."
Which they did.
Agnes folded three hours later when she went into chocolate withdrawal
and then began writing the manual.
Two weeks later, to the minute, Agnes's aorta blew up while she was in
a Jeffrey's Tube trying to document the EPS power couplings.
As she lay in her photon torpedoe coffin, the whole crew filed past to
pay their respect.
*God, she's beautiful* thought Chocotay but didn't say it. He really
regretted not being able to have sex with her. He'd asked the Doctor to
inject her with nanoprobes and bring her back to life so he could get a
second chance but the EMH explained that even Borg nanoprobes would have a
hard time repairing that much damage. Oh well, maybe Tom Paris was
In a corner of the messhall, Harry Kim sobbed uncontrollably.
"She was so pretty!" he wailed.
Paris patted him on the shoulder and then guided poor Kim over to a
couch so he could laid down.
*Despite it all, I'll miss her* thought Janeway grudgingly.
They had the funeral and it was a terribly sad event, perhaps even
sadder than when Kes had turned into a big fireworks display in space.
The photon torpedoe casing, which had been specifically modified to
take Agnes' ample corpse went whizzing out past the messhall windows.
Later that evening Chocotay and Janeway shared a chocolate sundae and
Chocotay thought how good his Captain would look with a few extra pounds on
"I love you," he finally said after years and years and years of
repressed emotions and sexual tension.
"I love you too," said Janeway, relieved at long last that she
wouldn't die a lonely old spinster.
They both looked out of the windows in the messhall and realised that
Anges had given them one last final gift of love. They were really great
"You're living in your own Private Idaho, living in your own Private Idaho,
underground like a wild potatoe,
something, something on the patio,
Beware of the pool,
Blue bottomless pool.
Lead you straight through the gate that opens on the pool.
You're living in your own private Idaho, living in your own Private Idaho.
Get off the pad.
Get of the something, something and something about incisors (I think)"
Lyrics by the B52s - Private Idaho.
So *many* wonderful treats in this...<g> I couldn't possibly list them all -
I'd repeat the whole darn thing!
P.S. Okay, here's one...
>"She's really fat," chirped in Harry eagerly.
Fat. Kathryn's face fell. She couldn't compete with that. She knew that
she had lost Chocotay at that moment.
>*I can't compete with that* she thought. Her mind flashed back to her days
with Mark and his strange obsession with her Irish Setter.<
Officially dubbed Royal Story Queen by The Goddess Of Violence
"The only woman I've ever cared about who isn't computer generated or a
fictional FBI agent has just phoned and said she wants to see me. You've
picked a really weird time to develop a spontaneous interest in my travel
Wanna chat? ICQ is 6730375
(to e-mail, delete "tinfoil")
PS: My favourite bit: