REPOST: ST:DRG "Stargazer" [MISC PG] 52/54

[Douglas A. McLeod]

Exterior view of USS Stargazer shooting by at warp speed. A
moment after the ship disappears out the righthand side of the
screen a Soyuz-class starship looms up and shoots past.
Bridge of the Bozeman. Captain Bateson sits lockjawed in
his command chair, glaring forward, left hand gripping belt
buckle, right fist on armrest. The bridge crew are bent at their
stations, focused on their work. Over in one corner Captain
Picard and Commander Riker confer quietly. Riker comes forward
and suggests:
"Can't you make this thing go any faster?"
Bateson reddens and grinds his fist into the armrest.
Riker: "Just asking."
He returns and raises his eyebrows toward Picard.
Picard: "You know, Captain, the Stargazer has a variety of
design weaknesses we might endeavour to exploit. She's quite
old. I dare say she's the oldest serving vessel in Starfleet, if
you exclude . . . um . . ."
Bateson: "Helm! Give me another half warp factor!"
"But Captain, she'll come apart!"
"When it comes time to take her apart, I'll let you know!"
"Aye, aye, sir."
Riker and Picard exchange glances.
Cut to the bridge of the Stargazer.
Chatokay: "Engineering! Can't you give me more speed than
this?"
Engineering. Torres leans over a console, entering
commands, swearing, and entering more. She punches the console,
charges across the room and attacks another display, shouting as
she goes:
"I don't know whose bright idea it was to strap four warp
engines to this jalopy, but I can see why there aren't any other
vessels in this class. There's another engine off-line every
half-minute!"
*We're going to need all four if we're going to get out of
this.*
"I'm working on it!"
Jonas: "Engine Three is off-line!"
"Grr! Let me see that! Reinitialize your matter reactant
injector."
"Reinitializing. That's it! On-line!"
Seska: "Engine Two is off-line!"
"Dammit! Your field flow is pinwheeling! Throttle back ten
percent!"
"I've got it. Okay. Back on-line."
Suder: "There goes Number Four!"
"Argh!! It's your off-axis field controller!"
Seska: "Look. Why don't we get one of the prisoners to
help? If he won't co-operate, we'll shoot him."
View of three gagged and hogtied Starfleet Engineers glaring
up from the floor.
Suder: "We should just shoot them anyway."
Torres: "Look, just concentrate on your engine and try to
think like a team."
DRG: "Number One! Number One!"
Torres: "Number One's off-line now?!"
DRG: "No. I was just saying we're Number One."
Torres: "Gah!"
Exterior view of the two vessels shooting past.

"Crawlspace. The final frontier. These are the voyages of
The Door Repair Guy. His mission: to install and maintain
proximity-activated entranceways, to stake out new rooms and new
service conduits -- to boldly go where no one with a pass key has
gone before."

A pair of Maquis raiders shoot by hotly pursued by a
Miranda-class Federation starship.

Star Trek: Door Repair Guy

Starring

Door Repair Guy as
Himself

The two Maquis shoot past in the other direction now with a
Cardassian Galor-class warship on their tail.

Also Starring

Martha Hackett as
Seska

Robert Beltran as
Chakotay

Tim Russ as
Tuvok

Roxann Biggs-Dawson as
Torres

The Federation and Cardassian ships nearly pile up chasing
Maquis ships into the middle of the screen. The Maquis loop
around and shoot off, one of them coming right past the camera
and leaving behind a glimmering ion trail which fades to:

[Commercial: Unitel:
Three guys at a table.
"So, did you call Hong Kong?"
"I . . . could call Hong Honk."
"Did you talk to her? Did you call Laura, there, Cheesy?
You did, didn't you! You called Laura in Hong Kong!"
"Laugh. Laugh as I know you will at the downhearted."
"He he! You called Laura in Hong Kong."
"Nice talkin' to ya."]

Stargazer shoots past, followed by the Bozeman. Cut to
bridge of the Stargazer. We see Tuvok examining a tactical
display.
Tuvok: "As anticipated, Starfleet is diverting more vessels
to the pursuit. They are converging from all directions. We are
within a rapidly decreasing sphere of negotiable space."
Chatokay: "How long until the noose closes?"
"Two hours, seven minutes at these velocities. I do not
wish to say I told you so, but I told you so."
"Not so fast. There must be places we can hide out."
"These sectors are quite thoroughly charted."
"How about Sector 001?"
"Do you propose to hide the Stargazer beneath the Golden
Gate Bridge?"
"No, but close. Are you capable of performing the
calculations for time-warp?"
"I am a security expert, not a mathematician."
"But you are a Vulcan."
"That is correct."
"Begin your calculations. We'll head for Sector 001 and use
the Earth's sun for a catapult."
"It is a highly risky proposal. I cannot guarantee pinpoint
accuracy."
"I don't care what time we go to. All I want is a shortcut
through a period when we're not being chased. We'll double back
to the Badlands where we'll use another star to catapult us to
our own time. No one will see us and the timeline won't be
affected."
"Still, the success of such a maneuvre is contingent upon
the predictable operation of all four warp engines."
"I have every confidence in B'Elanna Torres."
"That would be the woman who withdraw from Starfleet Academy
just prior to her intermediate level propulsion mid-term
examination?"
"Hm. She told me she passed that."

[ MEMO:

From: Executive Producer
To: Other Other Executive Producer
Re: Time-Warp

Gul Taylor:

I thought we just did time travel two episodes ago. Isn't
this a bit soon? What happened to that Utopian society Braga was
working on?]

[ MEMO:

From: Other Other Executive Producer
To: Executive Producer
Re: Re: Time-Warp

Gul Berman:

The Utopian society is in rewrite. The first draft was very
very weird. You think you know a co-worker until you see what
kind of ideal world he'd like to live in. Brr. I won't go into
details. Suffice it to say Utopia is off till next season.]

[ MEMO:

From: Executive Producer
To: Other Other Executive Producer
Re: Re: Re: Time-Warp

Gul Taylor:

If there is a next season.]

Bozeman.
"Captain. The Stargazer is changing course. She's taking a
new heading for Sector 001."
Bateson: "Change heading."
Riker: "It's a suicide run."
Picard: "Or so they might want us to believe, Number One.
This entire escapade smacks of a diversionary tactic to me.
Perhaps it would be prudent to place the Cardassian border on
alert."
"You're confident this is a Maquis venture? What about the
Romulans?"
"It doesn't smell like Klingon activity to me. But perhaps
you're right. A general alert may be in order."
"I see what you mean."
Bateson: "Communications. Please notify Starfleet that a
highjacked vessel under control of the Andromeda Galaxy is
heading in their direction."
"Very good, sir."
"No, don't do that, you numbskull! Can't you recognize
sarcasm when you hear it?"
"Sorry, sir."
Riker and Picard exchange looks again.
Picard: "Perhaps we'd better get off the bridge and allow
Captain Bateson's fine crew to do its work."
Riker: "Agreed. Why don't we pay a visit to their forward
lounge? I'm sure it's a storehouse of 23nd century memorabilia."
Picard: "Excellent idea, Number One."
Bateson (pressing a button on his armrest): "Send up a
yeoman to show our guests to our . . . cafeteria."
Riker: "Or cafeteria."
Picard: "Or the cafeteria would be fine."
They bump and collide in embarrassment toward the turbolift.

[Commercial:
Worf, O'Brien and Bashir.
"So, did you call Risa?"
"I . . . could call Risa."
"But did you talk to her? Did you call Troi, there, Worfy?
You did, didn't you! You called Troi on Risa!"
"Laugh. Laugh as I know you will at the downhearted."
"He he! You called Troi on Risa."
Worf turns around and sulks like Achilles in his tent.]

View of the Stargazer veering and barrel-rolling past the
camera. In the distance we can make out two vessels moving on an
oblique course, as if herding the renegade ship.
Tuvok: "Still closing."
Chatokay: "We need a diversion. I'm bringing her in close
to that ringed giant."
Tuvok: "Eleven vessels have entered the system. We are
twenty-five seconds from being within weapons-lock range of five
or more of them."
"Prepare a photon torpedo spread astern."
"Photon torpedoes ready."
"On my mark."
Viewscreen shot of the approaching grey-blue gaseous giant.
The planet's ring system stands out in full glory, filling more
and more of the screen, a glimmering oncoming curtain arched
through with concentric gaps.
"Fire photon spread."
"Photons away."
View of the Stargazer flying straight at the surface of the
rings. A bevy of twinkling red photon torpedoes erupt from her
stern, head straight at us, and detonate like flashbulbs, whiting
out the screen.
View of the Stargazer as she shoots through one of the ring
gaps, changes course and bursts to warp, just as the photon blast
ripples through the plane of the rings.
Tuvok: "Your use of the planetary ring system and photon
detonations has created the desired camoflage effect. The
pursuing armada are either proceeding along our last known
heading or coming to a full stop. Only one vessel stands between
us and a clear run toward Earth. The Bozeman. She is firing."
Cut to the bridge of the Bozeman.
Communications Officer: "Alerting the fleet commander of the
Stargazer's new heading, Captain."
Bateson: "Belay that, Lieutenant!"
"Captain!"
"It's not every day Fate lays such a glorious opportunity in
your lap! Eyes on the prize, Lieutenant! Think of the
commendation! Think of the ticker-tape parade! We'll bring this
baby in alone! Ha ha! Fire all phasers!"
Cut to the Bozeman's cafeteria.
Riker: "We're firing."
Picard: "Here's a viewscreen."
He switches it on and peers at the grey image without
comprehension.
Riker: "Perhaps more contrast."
Picard adjusts a knob. The grey resolves into the whitish
shape of the Stargazer against the black of space.
"Ah! The Stargazer! Her shields are holding. I hope it's
not necessary to damage her too severely."
"If those people have any sense they'll surrender now."
Picard examines the Stargazer's image.
"I wonder . . ."
"Captain?"
"How extensively do you suppose this crew has been retrained
since the Bozeman's appearance from the temporaral loop?"
"I don't follow."
"What I mean is, are they aware of the advances in tactical
manoeuvre of the present century?"
As if to answer, a second Stargazer suddenly appears on
screen at point-blank range, laying down a pattern of phaser
fire. View of the bridge rocking furiously, sparks showering
down.
Bateson: "There's two of them! It's a trap!"
Cut to the cafeteria where two stuntmen representing Picard
and Riker are thrown to the floor as the Coke machine explodes.
Tables and chairs careen past the camera. Exterior view as the
port nacelle explodes in a clip lifted from Star Trek II: The
Wrath of Khan.
Chatokay: "I can't believe they fell for that. Set course
for Earth. Maximum warp."
Shot of Picard and Riker crawling out from beneath an
avalanche of metal cafeteria trays.
Riker: "I can't believe he fell for that."
Picard (coming to the viewscreen): "They got away." There's
just a little note of pride in his voice.
View of the disabled Bozeman. Cut to the bridge. Fire
control teams work from console to burning console. Static fills
every computer screen. Sparks tumble from broken power mains.
In the centre of the shot the Bozeman's first officer is
demonstrating the Picard Manoeuvre with his hands while Captain
Bateson watches and strokes his beard sullenly. Exterior view of
several starships moving in to assist.

[Commercial:
Quark and Rom.
"With this new calling plan I can call anywhere I like and
save twenty-five percent. It's like latimum in my pocket."
"So, did you call Ferenginar?"
"I . . . could call Ferenginar."
"But did you call her?"
"Call her? I don't know what you mean."
"Oooh, you know, Brother! Did you talk to Moogie? I know
you did. I can tell. You did, didn't you? You called Moogie to
wish her a happy Mother's Day!"
"If you must know I was advising Cousin Gaila on a big arms
deal."
"I don't believe you! I can always tell when you're telling
a lie! You called Moogie!"
Odo paces by, supervising.
"All right. I admit it. I called Mother. Are you happy?"
"You called Moogie!"
"Nice talking to you." Quark leaves.
Shot of Rom's triumphant snaggly grin.]

*Chakotay to crew. Prepare for time-warp.*
Torres: "Time-warp? In this wagon? Torres to Chakotay!"
*What is it, Torres?*
"I can't guarantee you warp speed through this manoeuvre."
*It would be better if you did. I don't want to wind up
packing into the sunny side of Mercury. Chatokay out.*
"Dammit!"
"Engine Four's off-line again."
"Dammit!"
Torres crosses the floor and tears a strip of duct tape off
the Chief Engineer's mouth.
Chief Engineer: "Ouch!"
"You heard what's going on. If we don't keep these four
engines in synch we're fried."
"I can't help you in your evil plan. However, if someone
were to help you he would probably suggest you install our new
Concerto 3.2 software for synchonized engines."
Jonas picks up a diskette. "Here it is."
"Run it!"
Shot of the Stargazer streaking past Jupiter.
Tuvok: "Martian defense perimeter approaching."
Chatokay: "Concentrate on those calculations. I'll worry
about interceptors."
"Engineering has still not supplied adequate warp power."
The computer plays a bar of string quartet.
Majel Barrett Roddenberry: *Warp engines are now
synchronized.*
Eyes-only shot of Chatokay passing the order to Tuvok.
Exterior view. Two starships loom up into the shot, the
crescent Mars behind them, and beyond that the Sun. Shot of
Stargazer snapping into warp, the burst occurring on the rim of
the Sun. Momentary glimpse of the Stargazer's light-filled
viewscreen. White-out. Fade to black.

[Commercial:
Worf and two other Klingons.
"vaj, raySa DarI'pu''a'?"
"'raySa vIrI'laH."
"'ach Sujatlh'a'? Troi DarI'pu''a', naDev, Worf?
bIjatlhpu'! raySaDaq Troi DaDajpu'!"
"yIHagh. 'It vay. ghotvetlhDaq yIHagh."
"He he! raySaDaq Troi DaDajpu'."
"rIn jabbI'ID."]

Chatokay's eyes open with a start. He looks around. Tuvok
is already at his console and working.
"Did we make it? Where are we?"
Chatokay follows Tuvok's gaze toward the viewscreen.
Orbital view of the Earth.
Chatokay: "Have we been scanned?"
Tuvok: "Negative. The people of this era do not possess
that capability. I have been monitoring communication channels.
The only communications traffic in this sector is in the form of
air- and ground-based radio signals. I have run these through
the historical library. We are in the latter half of old Earth
calendar year 1942."
"1942? The middle of the Second World War, isn't it? Are
we secure from ground-based missiles?"
"They are currently in development but pose no threat."
"Good. Well, we'd better be on our way."
"There is one disturbing factor."
"What? Is it the engines again?"
"They would appear to intact. I am referring to certain
anomalous readings."
"Anomalous readings?"
"Sensors are picking up unexpected levels of chroniton
particle emmision at several locations on the surface."
"Time travelers are here? But surely this is one of the
most delicate turning points in Earth history. One little change
and a whole new timeline could result."
"I concur. Unhappily, all of the chroniton emissions are
emanating from the centres of the conflict, the cities of England
and Germany in particular."
"What's going on there?"
"I have insufficient data on which to formulate a
hypothesis."
"Are there any other ships in this sector?"
"None that we can detect."
"So Starfleet hasn't followed us through time."
"Or, if they have, they have missed us."
"Who could it be?"
"I do not know.
Chatokay: "It looks like there's only one way to find out."
"Let me warn you that any expedition to the surface would
only increase the possibility of temporal disruption."
"You had reason to be concerned when we raided Vulcan. Now
it's my turn to worry. What if somebody from the future is out
to kill Winston Churchill? Or Werner von Braun?"
"I can see you will not be dissuaded. Therefore I must
assist you to the best of my ability. I shall conduct a close
analysis of these sensor readings in an effort to identify the
optimal beam-down site."
"Please proceed. Meanwhile I'll get my team together."
No sooner is Chakotay out the turbolift but Seska is at his
elbow.
"I hear you're planning an away team."
"News travels fast."
She seizes his hand and presses her cheek against his
shoulder.
"Don't you think now would be a good time to make good on
your promise?"
"Promise?"
"You were going to take me to see the Grand Canyon."
"Can it wait?"
"There's no time like the present."
"This is the past."
"Take me on the away team."
"This is a pre-contact culture. I need humans."
"You need officers who can keep their heads. Are you saying
you'd rather take Suder than me?"
"Suder? No. He'd probably slip away and commit some random
murder just to see how much things have changed when we get back
to the 24th century."
"Well then?"
"I get your point. Report to the wardroom in ten minutes."
He marches off. She lingers a moment, eyes glistening as
visions of sabotage dance through her head. She takes a deep
exultant breath and dashes off in the other direction.

[Commercial:
Riker, Data and Geordi.
"I am curious, Commander. Did you use your new calling plan
to call Risa?"
What-me? poker face.
"I think what Data's getting at is, did you call Deanna?"
Cat-that-ate-the-canary poker face.
"I believe he did, Geordi."
"It's hard to tell with that old poker face."
"If you'll excuse me, gentlemen."
"I am certain he called Troi."
"Oh yeah, he called."]

The Stargazer's wardroom. Tuvok is standing before a wall-
mounted computer display screen and consulting a handheld
computer pad. Chatokay enters, wearing the uniform of a captain
in the United States Army Air Force.
Chatokay: "Looks like I can add impersonation of a superior
officer to my list of crimes."
"I suspect that Starfleet would be indulgent in this case."
"That depends on the success of our mission. I wonder
what's keeping the others."
Enter Jonas in a sailor suit.
Self-consciously: "It's only me from over the sea, Barnacle
Bill the Sailor."
Chatokay: "Don't worry, Jonas. Britain is a seafaring
nation. You'll melt right in."
"Not if I open my mouth. I'm from Long Island. I couldn't
do a Cockney if my life depended on it."
"I've thought of that. Here. Tie this around your hat."
Chatokay hands him a blue ribbon bearing the motto HMCS
STITTSVILLE. "Now you're Canadian. You can talk any way you
like."
"Beauty."
"Where's Seska?"
Is if to answer, the lights go down momentarily, then come
up again.
"Chatokay to bridge. What's going on there?"
*Momentarily drop in power. We're looking into it.*
"Let me know when you find out."
*Will do.*
Seska enters, dressed in a tweed skirt and jacket, sensible
shoes and cloche hat.
"Good afternoon, gentlemen. I do hope I've not kept you
waiting long." Her public school accent is impeccable.
Tuvok: "Commander, is it advisable to include an off-worlder
in the away team?"
"Ms Seska has my every confidence. And, as you may have
noticed, she has a talent for impersonation. As for her nose,
I'm relying on British reticence to prevent any problems. Please
begin the briefing."
Tuvok activates the computer display, bringing up a map of
northern Europe. Coastlines and major cites are indicated in
amber, particle emissions in lavender (Michael Okuda's favorite
colours).
"I have cross-referenced sensor logs with Stargazer's
historical database and discovered a correlation between maximum
chroniton concentration and airborne activity. Is you may be
aware, much of the military action of the Second World War took
the form of the bombing of urban centres by formations of heavy
airplanes. Our time travelers would seem to be paying their
visits just prior to oncoming waves of bomber aircraft."
"To obscure their tracks."
"Perhaps."
"Have you been able to determine the identity or the
jumping-off point of these time travelers?"
"Negative. The best that can be said is that they do not
have a vessel of 24th-century cloaking capability in the sector
at this moment."
"They must be coming in from another time."
"Agreed."
"Then the best we can do is to be there when they show up."
"There is one more factor. Being time travelers, they
should know that we are looking for them."
"Hence our disguises. The ship may become a target, though.
I want you to keep it at full alert during this away mission. If
they attack it'll be with the element of surprise." To the away
team: "Let's get in and out again as fast as we can."
Tuvok: "Judging by the rate of chroniton decay there will be
a temporal intrusion in London in nine minutes and forty-five
seconds."
"That's our cue. Let's go."
They hurry for the transporter room.

[Commercial:
Very young Captain Kirk, Gary Mitchell, Spock.
Spock: "According to diagnostic tests our new subspace
transceiver is exceeding operating specifications by five
percent."
Kirk: "Very good. Keep me apprised."
Mitchell: "Keep you apprised? What a load of BS. You were
on the radio all last night."
Kirk: "Just looking for kinks."
Mitchell: "Right. Did you call Alpha Centauri?"
"I . . . could . . . call . . . Alpha Centauri."
"Did you call her? Did you talk to Carol, there, Jimmy?
You did, didn't you! You called Carol Marcus on Alpha Centauri!"
"Laugh. Laugh as I know you will at the downhearted."
"Nice talking to you!"
Mitchell leaves.
Kirk: "If he wasn't my best friend . . ."
Spock (sensing his moment): "I would never laugh at you,
Captain."]

Transporter room. Chatokay, Jonas and Seska dash in.
Torres is at the transporter console.
Tuvok (from the bridge): *Transferring co-ordinates of
impending temporal intrusion.*
Torres: "Received."
Seska: "Take good care of my transporters."
Torres: "I'll do my best."
Chatokay: "Energize."
The away team dematerialize.
Torres: "Transport complete."
The transporter pad blows up.
Torres: "Qu'vatlh! Torres to bridge! Transporters are
out!"
*Is the away team on the surface?*
She works at the console, works some more, tries again, then
punches it.
"I can't tell!"
Cut to bridge. The helmsman turns to Tuvok.
"Warp engines are off-line!"
"Tuvok to engine room. Report."
Engine room. DRG turns in his chair. He's the only one
around.
"Ah. This is the engine room."
*We are receiving reports of warp drive failure.*
"Oh. Hang on a minute."
He jumps up, looks around, scratches the back of his head,
and approaches a console at random.
"Computer. Report status of warp engines."
Majel Barrett Roddenberry: *Warp engines are off-line.*
"Yeah? All four? How come."
MBR: *Self-diagnostic analysis indicate failure of Concerto
3.2 programme for syncronized engines.*
"Why's that?"
*Software failure is due to infection by introduced computer
virus.*
"Sabotage?"
*What do you think?*
"Hey!"
Bridge.
Tuvok: "Tuvok to away team." Bleek. "Tuvok to Chatokay.
Please respond." Bleek.
"Hm."

London. Three figures materialize in a laneway off a main
road. Seska removes a tricorder from her gas mask bag and
surveys the vicinity. Overhead can be heard the drone of
aircraft engines. An air raid warden dashes past along the road
and comes to a sudden halt.
Warden: "You lot! Have you lost the use of your bloody
senses? Jerry's coming right up the highstreet!"
A double concussion shakes the ground, followed by another,
and another. Antiaircraft fire punctuates the rising, falling
wail of sirens.
Chatokay: "We're on our way."
Seska points to a building a block away down the street.
The sign above the door reads: Wm. Collins and Sons.
Chatokay: "We'll go in there."
Warden: "That's not a shelter! This way!"
Chatokay: "We'll be fine in there!"
They start to run that way.
Warden: "Bloody Yank!" He dashes after them and tackles
Jonas by the ankle, bringing him to the pavement.
Jonas: "OW! Get offa me, you damned limey!"
Warden: "Bloody Canadian!"
Seska: "Shoot him."
Chatokay grabs her hand as she brings a phaser out of her
gas mask bag.
Seska: "He's nobody!"
Chatokay: "We don't know that!"
A bomb lands one block to the east, shattering the glass in
every window around them. They stagger to the pavement, covering
their heads. A second bomb plummets through the roof of Wm.
Collins and Sons, detonates and blows the facade out into the
street. A wave of smoke and dust billows outward, covering them.
A fire engine careens around the corner and screeches to a
halt at the edge of the debris. Chatokay pulls Jonas to his
feet. He takes out a tricorder and scans the bomb site for
chronitons. Close up of a bar graph edging downward toward zero.
Chatokay: "Missed it!"
Fire fighters dash past them trailing fire hoses.
Jonas: "Where's Seska?"
They turn around and around, then begin to search the
street, then to assist the fire fighters as they delve into the
debris, but by that time Seska is blocks away.

Next time on Star Trek: Door Repair Guy:

"I've come about your daughter Margaret."

------------
Written by Douglas A. McLeod, ai...@freenet.carleton.ca
------------

--
!!!!
http://www.consecol.org/~ajeanes/doorguy/intro.html
ftp://aviary.share.net/pub/startrek/parody/misc/DoorRepairGuy