NEW: TOS Sympathy for the Devil 3/6 [PG-13] (S/f, f/m)
Rabble Rouser
AUTHOR: Rabble Rouser
CONTACT: Rabbl...@aol.com
SERIES: TOS
RATING: [PG-13]
CODES: S/T'Pring, T'Pring/Stonn
PART: 3/6
DATE: October 12, 2000
SUMMARY: T'Pring tries to find a way out of a bond she does not want.
See Part One for Disclaimers and Acknowledgements.
* * *
We were seventeen. Spock came to see me at my home when the ruling from the
Council came down. At first those in power had ignored Sybok. There were those
who had relished the fact that Sarek's prestige was damaged by his wayward son.
As Sybok gained more and more adherents among the young, the Clan Council found
itself less than amused.
Sybok's property was forfeit and he was to be banished from Vulcan. His very
name was to be stricken from every record and his katra would not be allowed on
Mount Seleya. His adherents were given the choice of renouncing all that Sybok
stood for or sharing his exile. Of the hundreds of his followers, a few dozen
chose to go with him. His wife, T'Shan, had little choice. The law did not
recognize any separate identity for her. The works Sybok had used for his
research were to be removed from the nets and libraries and stored on Mount
Seleya where access to them would be strictly limited.
It was--illogical. One cannot unring a bell. All those volumes were now printed
in offworld editions and translated into Standard and Rigelian--for the most
part due to Sybok's very followers. The works were not popular, but given time
their dissemination would eventually change the way others thought of us--as
works from offworld were already changing how we thought of ourselves. That is
what the Council feared.
I knew why Spock had come. Who else could he come to? Sarek would not speak of
Sybok. Amanda could not without crying. Only I had a hint of what Sybok meant
to him and would listen without either forbidding him to speak or forcing upon
him an excess of emotion.
"You have heard," he said.
"Yes. I was there. I am at T'Pau's side now at all such meetings." With Sybok's
disinheritance, the clan seat that had been held by his wife would fall to me
once Spock and I were wed. As a result, T'Pau had already ordered me to give up
my "frivolous" study of the violin with Amanda. When I became a full Council
member, I would be forced to give up the healing profession as well. It was not
a prospect I relished. Meanwhile I was required to be present at all Council
sessions.
"I would have liked to be there."
"He was dignified, Spock. He showed more emotional control than many on the
Council. He said that they could silence him but that they could not forever
shut off Vulcan from the entire community of worlds. That the repressed will
return stronger by tenfold. He would not wait for the sentence but predicted it
out loud and left saying he would have many preparations to make. He said that
it was time, in any case, for him to leave and that he was looking beyond
Vulcan now for his answers."
"Sybok has always had a gift for the grand gesture." He moved to a window and
looked out at the night sky as if trying to draw strength from the cold distant
stars. "He asked me to go with him."
I schooled my face and voice to impassivity. Sybok had not thought to ask me.
He presumably believed that Spock would speak for both of us. For Sybok would
expect me to follow Spock--if he would let me. "Your answer?"
"I told him I could not follow him."
At his response, I found to my surprise that what I felt was relief. I did not
want to leave Vulcan to follow Sybok. No, what I found appealing in Sybok were
his questions--not his answers.
"And yet I do not know how I can continue to remain on Vulcan. How can the
Council decide to block a path untraveled? To declare that if one turns right
rather than left, one will be cast out? That is not the path of science, of
logic and reason but of fear. How can I follow my father into the VSA? A
scientist cannot allow himself to be told here you may look but here you may
not."
I found I was holding my breath. Spock had never before questioned the path
laid out for him--at least not vocally--not to me. I had never found a wedge
with which I could openly question his devotion to the Surak's way, and I
feared Sarek and T'Pau too much to share my own doubts more than very
tentatively. Even with that, I was always shut down by his stiff disapproval.
We were at an age where the male often experiences his first pon farr. I was
finding it hard to tolerate the limbo we were in. Until the onset of pon farr
that would give proof of my promised husband's fertility, we could not wed and
I could have no children. Yet part of what brought on pon farr was a mental
closeness and compatibility. I decided to grasp this chance or we might never
find our way to each other.
"Spock," I said and laid my two fingers across his in the gesture only bonded
couples are allowed. I allowed him to feel my desire and felt a warming
tingling from him. I drew myself up on tiptoe and pulled down his head to brush
an eyelid with my lips. I licked his lips and pressed my body close to his.
Slowly I felt his body respond to mine. Spock made a sound deep in his throat
and held me close.
Even now I hold this as a memory dear to me. Even with all its fumbling
clumsiness, the wonder of that exploration and that attempt to hold onto each
other and find comfort in shared pleasure is sweet to me. Spock was so gentle
and yet brought all the intense concentration to me he brought to everything he
does. When we came together in body, I feared I would come apart with the sheer
pleasure and pain of it.
But then we tried a meld. I think sometimes humans are the lucky ones.
Sometimes it is a good thing to not be too close mentally. To be able to keep
things close to oneself until understanding ripens. To share the body and what
part of your thoughts and emotions you are ready to impart without having all
exposed so ruthlessly. Both of us were relatively inexperienced at shielding.
What did he see in me? I fear he saw my resentment that my tie to him was
constricting me to a narrowing path. Rather than feeling real joy in the bond,
I sought accommodation. And I think that for all his outward conservatism--and
that of his father--Amanda had taught him to seek and expect more than that.
And in him? I saw one who could not see me as a person separate from himself.
Someone who could not imagine I could have or want a path apart from his. And
how could he? How could Spock, gentle, honorable Spock, truly allow himself to
think of the nature of our bonding and the reasons behind it and live with
himself? And to be fair, he was not one who ever considered what he wanted and
needed, so how should he have enough imagination to think of me?
The meld collapsed and left us feeling awkward and ashamed of our nakedness. We
drew apart without a word. I turned to the wall finding I could not look at him
as he quietly dressed and left. We would never attempt either kind of intimacy
again.
* * *
Not long afterwards I heard from Amanda of his plans to join Starfleet. She was
hysterical because Sarek would not accept this decision and would not have
anything to do with Spock. Amanda begged me to try to change Spock's mind. She
was terrified for Spock. He was her only child and the thought of her unique
and special son "risking his life" in this manner was enough without Sarek's
profound disapproval.
I was not surprised by Spock's decision. I think I understood why. Spock could
not stay on the world that had rejected his beloved brother for acting from the
emotional, passionate part of his nature. A part of our nature equated with
being Human. The very part they would not accept in him.
I was relieved that Sarek had not dissolved the parental bond. I would have
felt that. Nor had he disinherited Spock the way he had Sybok. Perhaps he had
learned from the previous experience. The way he had acted with Sybok had left
his eldest son with little to lose from complete defiance.
I found Spock packing a few items he would take with him to Earth. He must have
known how Sarek would act for he had not informed his parents of his decision
until the last possible moment before leaving. He had not bothered to tell me
anything.
"I understand you have enlisted in Starfleet."
"I have."
"My betrothed, did you not think this was a matter for the two of us to decide
together?"
"I saw no need to consult you."
"No? Spock, you are well beyond the onset of adolescence. With your mixed
heritage..." At those words I saw him stiffen but I cared not. "...when and if
your time may come upon you is not predictable." I was surprised at my cool,
passionless tone. My training with T'Pau was making this voice second nature.
"We shall not discuss this."
"It is not a good time for us to separate. If we are not to discuss this now,
then when? When your time first comes, we must both be here on Vulcan. Do you
expect me to come to Earth with you? To stay there or on Vulcan while you
wander through the galaxy? Amanda tells me your father will no longer recognize
you as his son. Have you considered what such an estrangement would mean to me?
To any children we might have? Do you expect me to raise such children alone
while you are assigned here and there at Starfleet's whim?"
"I am a scientist. It is imperative if I am to grow in my chosen profession
that I have the opportunity to observe first-hand the kind of phenomena
accessible only to Starfleet personnel."
"I do not believe that. There are other options. In Starfleet you would have
other duties beyond that of the scientific distracting you. There is no evading
that its essential character is that of a military organization. That is
Sarek's objection, is it not? You are running away from Vulcan. You are
choosing to be with humans. Why not admit it?"
I was certain Starfleet's military nature was only the beginning of Sarek's
objections. Despite his unorthodox marriage, Sarek was a traditionalist who
would expect Spock to follow his path into the Federation's diplomatic service
which was dominated by Vulcans. Starfleet, in contrast, although open to
non-Humans, was basically the military/exploratory organization of Earth and
her colonies. Only recently had there been talk of strengthening the Federation
to form a closer relationship than the loose alliance of worlds that now
existed. Starfleet vessels were Earth ships. Spock would be the very first
Vulcan to join Starfleet. Though Sarek was at the forefront of those trying to
reform the Federation, I do not think he foresaw that Spock would seek this way
of contributing to his goal.
"I am Vulcan. I am not leaving the path. Indeed, this may make it easier to
find the direction."
"Because here you have never been accepted as Vulcan, is that not it? The
Humans will not know what to expect and will accept however you act or whatever
you tell them since you will be the first. Are you indeed cleaving to the path
or trying to find a space where you can make your own?"
I saw my comment strike home but did not stay for a reply. Perhaps, if I had
acted as Amanda would have, I might have reached him. But my training bit too
deep. I would not beg for a place by his side. From now on I too would strike
my own path--but I would not swerve from it to accommodate his.
* * *
I was not totally cut off from Spock. He addressed me together with his mother
in his dutiful monthly communications. Not all Amanda's admonishments could
coax him into more frequent correspondence nor would I communicate with him
directly despite her urging. So accustomed was she to Vulcan reserve and
inexpressiveness that she did not pick up on the cold distance that had opened
between Spock and me. After a while, I began to forget about Spock and enjoyed
the freedom to shape my own life his absence allowed.
Over the years, Spock became more and more respected on Vulcan as his name
appeared in scientific and technical journals to which he contributed
groundbreaking articles. One change in particular was telling. No longer was
Spock referred to even by T'Pau as Human. Now Vulcan wanted to claim him as one
of their own. One Vulcan after another was joining Starfleet and a
Constitutional Convention had been called to form a closer union between the
United Federation of Planets. Sarek himself led the Vulcan delegation to help
bridge the differences in values and governance of our disparate worlds. Yet in
the matter of his own son, Sarek could find no space for compromise and
reconciliation.
One day I found Amanda in my office. I confess I felt irritation at the sight
of her. I found that the healing profession was the one choice made for me that
suited me well. Here my privacy and talents were respected. No one asked to
whom I was bonded or questioned why I never mentioned a bondmate or child. Her
presence was an intrusion on a territory I had staked out as my own.
Nor was it a convenient time. My latest patient was a seven-year old girl who
had collapsed at her bonding ceremony. I had just come from T'Vashti, trying
for the third time to bring the child out of her coma. I had come dangerously
close to succumbing myself to the blank darkness I found in her mind and
another healer had needed to break the meld to bring me back. I was exhausted
and sensitive to the slightest stimulus.
"T'Pring, I have such news. I don't know where to begin."
"The beginning should suffice," I snapped.
"One of my old music students, Stonn, has surfaced on Earth. He is starring in
a production of Turandot at the Metropolitan."
"I fail to see how this concerns me." After Spock had left, I had stopped
playing the violin. I found that music opened me up in ways I now wished
closed. Since the death of my father soon after Spock departed for Earth, there
had been none to gently tease me and show me affection. To my mother I was
little more than a colleague. I had decided that "happiness" as humans such as
Amanda defined it was not possible for me. Avoidance of unhappiness through the
embrace of non-emotion was now my goal. This is not why my people pursue logic
but for me it sufficed.
"Don't you remember? I suppose you were too young. Stonn was one of those who
chose exile with Sybok. Through Stonn we can find out what happened to him. I
just know that Sarek's estrangement from Spock is tied to Sybok somehow. If we
can reconcile the two of them..."
"I still fail to see why you have disturbed me here."
"I want you to go with me to Earth. Spock is there now at the Cochran
Institute. The Enterprise is being refitted for a five-year mission and Spock
has taken an extended leave for the next four years to continue his scientific
studies. If you, another Vulcan, are with me, Stonn is more likely to confide
in me. I've already asked Spock if he would go with me to see Stonn but he
refused. If we go together, we could visit Spock while we are there."
"I see no logic in your proposal. I do not see that Stonn has anything in
common with Vulcan any longer. He has chosen Sybok's way and has chosen not to
return to Vulcan. Moreover he has chosen a profession that requires emotional
exhibitionism." I had long come to the conclusion that nothing good could come
of contact with Sybok. Amanda and Sybok both thrived on drama. I have never
aspired to be the stuff of legend. I prefer an ordinary everyday peace.
"I have a mother's rights to your help, T'Pring. I have never made demands on
you before and I am asking so little now. Oh, where is the little girl I once
knew! You used to be so..."
I tried to tune her out and hoped she would eventually run herself down but
Amanda would not relent. Was this the way she so often got her way with Sarek?
I was no longer a child. She no longer had the ability to impose her emotions
upon me with a touch. But her emotional display was wearying and I found myself
willing to do anything to end it. So I agreed, not knowing how much would
change among all of us as a result.
* * *
If Amanda hoped that seeing Spock again would draw us closer, our visit could
not be counted as a success. I had not realized that Amanda had given no
warning. She simply showed up where he was staying with me in tow. At his
apartment was a young woman who could not have been more different than I. She
had the light golden hair of their sun that would have immediately marked her
as an outworlder on Vulcan. Her eyes matched their sky and her voice was
musical, soft, and low. So this was Spock's choice.
For I could see all the marks of it that Amanda and the girl herself seemed
oblivious to. The way he started when he saw the way I looked at her. The way
his lips would twitch slightly upward at a comment of hers. The way he
swallowed as he introduced Leila Kalomi to us as his "colleague." And as he
introduced me to her as "an old childhood acquaintance." I looked at Spock
coolly without comment and without even the lift of an eyebrow. Nor did Amanda
attempt to correct him. I was not surprised. Amanda had visited Pike's
Enterprise once and had later gifted me with the information that Spock had
told no one on the ship of our relationship. I could hardly reprove him for
that. I did much the same.
Amanda and the girl found it easy to talk. They had much in common. Neither
seemed to notice Spock's silence or mine. I saw opening up to me the prospect
of decades of this. Decades silent by Spock's side or absent altogether as his
mind grew attuned to others. It took many hours of meditation that night to
restore myself to my sterile equilibrium.
End of Part Three
_ _ _
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We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.
--T.S. Eliot
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