NEW TOS St George and the Gecko Sp/Su/Uh/Ch NC-17

[Jane Seaton]

NEW TOS St George and the Gecko Sp/Su/Uh/Ch NC-17

This I am posting for my good friend PB, who at least
has the sense to call herself something I can spell.
Comments/brickbats gladly forwarded.
Ska...@globalnet.co.uk

St George and the Gecko

by P B Wrapper

Sulu stopped outside the door to Spock's cabin and double
checked in his mind what the Vulcan had told him earlier: the
medication McCoy had provided would enable Spock to maintain his
mental equilibrium: the Plak Tow itself was still three days
away. Even if Spock's estimate was out by several hundred
percent it was still safe to go in. He knocked.

"Enter."

The door slid open and Sulu stepped inside before he could have
second thoughts. It was pitch dark and hot. Then Spock moved,
revealing the improvised fire pot that glowed on his desk. The
red light made his face into a coarse mask.

"Witch," the Vulcan said.

Sulu halted abruptly. McCoy's potion obviously wasn't doing the
trick after all.

"You have come to tell me that one of you has volunteered.
Which?"

Sulu swallowed. He'd never get used to Spock's ability to be
nine steps ahead of him in any situation.

"Or have you all volunteered?" the Vulcan sneered. At least it
sounded like a sneer. Sulu swallowed again.

"We...we're all willing to help. We just don't know how. Or if
any of us can."

"Lieutenant Uhura?" Spock inquired.

"Yes, she's... willing. You know as well as I do that she's
never had any intention of getting married or anything, but..."

"She knows the bond made during the pon farr is for life, that
it cannot be broken, or put aside?"

"Yes. She knows. But she isn't willing to let you die."

"She knows that a Vulcan male in pon farr is... barely
controlled?"

"She knows."

Spock snorted like an impatient horse. "Then why is she not
here, to tell me this herself?"

Sulu swallowed again. "I wouldn't let her."

Spock moved forward. He towered over the lieutanant. "Why. Not?"

"Well, I... I didn't see why she should have to be the one if
there was another possibility. I wanted to be sure first."

"Sure of what?"

Spock reached out and lifted the lieutenant's chin with his left
hand. His right hand caught hold of Sulu's arm and circled it.
Sulu felt the Vulcan's fingers squeeze his flesh.It occurred to
him that Chekov would have thought to bring a chicken bone and
hence been dismissed as too thin for whatever the Vulcan had in
mind.

"That homosexual... relations would be just as... as
appropriate, sir."

The Vulcan took in a deep shuddering breath. "You are
volunteering, Lieutenant?"

"Yes, at least..."

"Are you volunteering?" Spock clutched Sulu's right shoulder in
a vice like grip and ran his free hand down the front of the
Lieutenant's tunic, and slightly beyond.

Sulu gasped but stood his ground. "I am volunteering, sir,
but... well, Chekov pointed out that while you are
incapacitated, I am de facto commander of this mission and
therefore prohibited from volunteering for any duty that is
likely to render me unfit to carry out that role." Having
gabbled out his excuse, Sulu took a deep breath. "I therefore
need to assess whether..."

"So Chekov is volunteering."

"Yes, but..."

"Or has he been volunteered?"

Sulu straightened. "I have made it perfectly clear to Ensign
Chekov that I do not expect him to... to... to volunteer for
anything."

Spock suddenly sat down at his desk. "In my experience, pointing
out to Ensign Chekov that he need not volunteer is a fool-proof
way of effecting his participation in almost anything."

The tension of the previous moments evaporated into nothing.

"I know," Sulu said tiredly, feeling a dangerous desire to let
his guard down. "But I really think he isn't any less willing
than Nyota or me. Only, well, if it does come down to one of us,
of me and Chekov I mean, I'd rather it was me. But if there's
any doubt that it can work with a man, Nyota is determined that
it ought to be her. We just don't have the facts."

"The facts are," Spock said levelly, "that a homosexual bond is
exactly the same as a heterosexual bond. Such bonds are
uncommon. The logical purpose of sex is, after all, procreation.
But since Lieutenant Uhura has no desire to indulge in
motherhood, all three options are equally illogical,
inconvenient, embarrassing and... too much to ask of any of you.
I am grateful for your offers, but I must decline. Please convey
that message to your colleagues." Spock turned and contemplated
the fire pot.

"Then Lieutenant Uhura and I will draw straws," Sulu said
stubbornly. "We've talked this through, Mister Spock. It's not
logical to let you die."

Spock looked up at him. His eyes were heavy lidded. "Most lives
can be saved, Lieutenant, if one is willing to pay a high enough
price, in terms of resources, or personal freedom. In practice,
there is a point at which the price becomes too high. You are
all three of you young, human, sexually active, pursuing careers
that require you to avoid personal ties for the moment, but all
of you would probably gain most personal happiness from an
active long term sexual pairing eventually. All three of you are
offering to accept a life of virtual abstinence, tied to a
single person for whom you do not have any sexual desire or
great affection. I will outlive any of you. You cannot even look
forward to a belated freedom to mate more suitably. I will not
ask it of you." As he spoke, the Vulcan's eyes settled on Sulu's
groin in a way that flatly contradicted his words. "Leave me."

Unable to think of any contrary argument, Sulu obeyed.

****

Chekov was standing in the corridor of the relay station, not
even pretending he had any reason to be there. "What did he say?"

"He said no."

"No? No to what?"

"No to you, to me and to Uhura. He said it was too much to ask.
The bond is permanent, and exclusive whether the partners are of
the same sex or not. He thought you'd probably only volunteered
out of habit anyway."

"I did not! It makes sense to choose me..."

"Okay, maybe in a short term, chain of command kind of way, it
makes sense to choose you, but I'm not going to let that happen
to you while I'm responsible for your safety, so just drop it!"
Sulu immediately regretted snapping. "I'm sorry, Pavel, but I
couldn't stand out here while you... you know. Please. And he
didn't mean you hadn't volunteered. He meant I might have taken
advantage of your willingness to volunteer."

Chekov stood there like a bad-tempered rock. "The captain will
never forgive us if we let Mister Spock..."

"It's Spock's choice too, remember. Maybe he just doesn't want
to... with any of us. Just because his hormones are out of
control, it doesn't mean he doesn't know what he's doing. He has
to live with the consequences too. You're asking him to accept
maybe eighty years of making another person very unhappy, or at
least very frustrated. You don't fancy him, so why assume he
wants to... to..."

"To screw me?" Chekov pouted. "I always thought I was
irresistible."

Sulu sighed. It didn't take an empath to see that Chekov was
very, very relieved, however annoyed he might imagine James Kirk
was going to be.

***

Uhura brought a cup of coffee over to the table and slid it
between Sulu's waiting hands. "So he declined our generous
offer. I don't know what to think about that. You didn't spot
any weakness in his case, any logical chink we can work on?"

"He says it's asking too much. Which is quite reasonable really.
I could live forever if I was willing to spend eternity in a
stasis unit. It isn't worth it. The price is too high. It's not
just the price for whichever of us. There's a price for him too.
He'd be permanently bonded to someone he hadn't chosen. Let's
face it, most humans can't make an ordinary marriage last more
than a few years. It could be eighty years of hell. Imagine
being married for eighty years and only having sex twelve times.
Then imagine it's not someone you ever loved. Imagine it's me,
or Chekov. You can see his point. Are you really sure you want
to do this?

Uhura stared into her own cooling cup of chocolate. "If I had to
marry you to save you from certain death..."

"It's not the same, Nyota."

"I do have tremendous respect for Mister Spock."

"I'm sure he does for you too, but..."

"But you don't marry people just because you respect them. Okay.
It's his decision. It's not up to us to force it. Have you told
Chekov?"

"Yes. He was hovering outside. He's relieved and devastated in
roughly equal proportions."

"What's he doing now?"

"I don't know. He went off towards the maintenance bay. He's
probably gone back to work."

"To keep from worrying? Maybe that's a good idea, since there's
nothing else we can do unless Mister Spock changes his mind."

***

An hour later Sulu called down to the maintenance bay and didn't
get a reply. There was no reply from Chekov's cabin either. He
eventually tracked the ensign down at a computer console in the
recycling module. Chekov's hand thumped the off switch before
Sulu could see what was on the screen.

"What are you up to?"

"Doing some research." Chekov was blushing deeply.

Sulu leaned over and reactivated the screen. It held a pencil
drawing of a naked man on a powerful petrol engined two wheeled
vehicle. The man didn't look exactly underpowered either.

"Research into what?"

"I thought that... maybe if I tried it, I might find I could be
sexually attracted to another man."

Sulu squinted thoughtfully, as he tried to imagine the biker
with pointed ears. "He's not a lot like Mister Spock, though, is
he?"

"I don't think it's going to work," Chekov admitted. "But surely
Lieutenant Uhura finds him attractive? The female officers are
always making remarks..."

"Chekov, when you're not there, they make remarks about you. It
doesn't mean... it doesn't mean they're lining up to take a
tumble with you."

He wondered if the disappointment on the ensign's face was
purely for his benefit. "Come on. I appreciate what you're
trying to do. Don't take this personally."

Chekov turned the computer off fully this time, but gestured at
the blank screen as he slipped off the stool. "Well, it is true,
those pictures didn't make me feel any better about this. They
were *enormous*..."

"It's pornography, Chekov. That's what it's all about."

The ensign sniffed dismissively. "And they weren't what I
expected, all those lumberjacks and soldiers..."

"If you're going to like feminine men, why bother to like men at
all? I think most gay men like... well, men. The more man the
better."

"I never thought about it," Chekov admitted, following Sulu into
the little control room.

"Well, that's Mister Spock for you. Furthering your education at
every opportunity."

Uhura spun her chair round to face them. "What's happened?"

Sulu noticed Chekov's renewed blush. "Nothing. Pavel was busy
with the computer, following up on something. Anything new up
here?"

"Not a thing. If it wasn't for... well, this was turning out to
be about the most tedious assignment I've ever pulled. There
*are* no patterns in the static from the nebula. Whoever thought
they saw patterns must have been sniffing something."

Chekov glanced at Sulu. He'd spent the morning trying to
persuade the lieutenant there were no patterns in the
fluctuating gravity waves from the dense centre of the cloud
that couldn't be explained perfectly well by two small
protostars orbiting each other at its heart. Mindful of the
sacrifice Kirk had made in leaving four of his officers here, on
the margin of the neutral zone, to monitor the emissions, Sulu
had not been keen to have the project wrapped up on day three,
even though his own study of the chemical composition of dust
samples had revealed absolutely nothing of interest.

"Well, we might as well keep looking, since we're here anyway..."

Uhura closed her station down. "And tonight, it's your turn to
keep looking in person. Congratulations, Lieutenant Sulu, and
good luck! Chekov and I are going off to get a night cap."

"Sleep tight," Sulu said, "and remember that the whisky has to
last another four days yet."

Uhura brushed a kiss lightly on his cheek. "Scotty put a spare
bottle in the emergency tool kit."

***

Once she'd gone, Sulu slumped in the central chair. The control
room was a pathetic imitation of a starship bridge. The
monitoring station had only two functions: to watch the nebula
and to avoid the attention of its Romulan neighbours. As a
result, it carried the most advanced passive sensors available
to the Federation and an absolute minimum of energy intensive
physical comforts. It was small and gloomy, and cold. Sulu had
had great difficulty persuading Spock to raise the temperature
in his cabin to a bearable level when the fever began to affect
him. The cabin Sulu shared with Chekov was like a chill cabinet.
Really, they should all pile into bed with the Vulcan simply to
keep warm. Maybe if Sulu presented it as an energy saving
measure, the logical first officer would accept it...

The comm panel bleeped.

Sulu jumped to his feet. There weren't supposed to be any
transmissions in or out, for security reasons. Silent running,
except they weren't going anywhere. Their next contact with the
outside world should be the returning Enterprise.

He crossed to the comm panel, which was still busy carrying out
its continuous monitoring program. A single green indicator
flashed to alert him to a transmission on Starfleet channels. He
hesitated, then realised that simply receiving it wouldn't
actually give them away. He hit the incoming button.

"Enterprise to module Alpha Nine Four. Enterprise to module
Alpha Nine Four. Respond on a tight packet on bearing Zeta seven
three one. Enterprise to...." the message looped continuously.
Sulu called up his slightly rusty comm skills and verified that
the signal they were receiving was coming in as a series of
discrete pulses from that very direction. The Enterprise must
have found herself in a position where she could risk
communication, knowing that the nebula would effectively prevent
any signal leakage into Romulan ears.

Sulu let out a huge sigh and set up the protocols for the return
message.

"Enterprise, this is Alpha Nine Four. It's good to hear from
you. I need to speak to the captain, urgently."

There was a half second delay, understandable given how far away
the Enterprise would be. "Sulu, Captain Kirk's in his quarters.
I'll wake him up and patch you through."

Uhura's deputy waited for a second for Sulu to change his mind
about the need to disturb the captain, then went ahead.

Barely a minute later, Sulu was off loading his problem onto
Kirk's shoulders. The captain heard him out without asking
questions. "Right. This is unexpected. You say the medication
McCoy gave him is helping..."

"He's quite rational, captain, but he says it doesn't affect the
physical symptoms as such."

"According to McCoy the pon farr is very unpredictable. Vulcans
vary anyway in their response to this condition, and Spock isn't
just Vulcan..."

"Mister Spock thinks the crisis will occur before you can reach
us." Sulu didn't add that the arrival of the Enterprise wouldn't
of itself solve anything. It would merely enlarge the pool of
apparently unacceptable volunteers.

"We're further from you than originally planned. We're already
heading back, but it's still going to be a full four days. Sulu,
there's nothing I can do from here. It's in your hands. Let me
just say that I will respect whatever decisions you all make.
You're all equally valuable individuals, with the right to have
your ethics and preferences respected. You're all equally
precious to me. Do you understand that?"

Sulu felt an uncomfortable lump form in his throat. "Yes, sir,
but we're all willing to..."

"I repeat, I will respect your decisions, but I want you to take
particular care with Chekov. He's significantly younger than the
rest of you and he sees things very black and white. Don't let
him do anything that... that he won't be happy to live with
afterwards."

Sulu nodded, even though Kirk couldn't see it. Kirk was only
reinforcing his own decision, as far as that went. "Yes, sir."

"We'll be with you as soon as we can." There was a hesitation,
as Kirk sought a suitable farewell. "I know you'll do what you
can, Lieutenant. Good luck."

The channel clicked off, and Sulu felt an awful cold panic at
being on his own again.

***

Four hours later, the lieutenant padded along the corridor to
his cabin, leaving Uhura to continue the watch. He palmed open
the door, and found that inside, the light was on and Chekov was
sitting wide awake on his bunk, wrapped in both his own covers
and Sulu's.

"I was warming them up for you," he explained, handing them
back.

"Why aren't you asleep?" Sulu demanded, tiredness making it
difficult to keep from sounding irritated.

"I couldn't," the ensign admitted. "Sulu, we have to do
something."

"No, you don't," Sulu said. "I just spoke to the captain."

"What did he say?" Chekov asked eagerly.

"Nothing that need concern you," Sulu responded formally,
feeling pompous. "Except that you're not to do anything."

"Why not?" Chekov demanded.

Sulu took time to snuggle under the warm blankets. "I think it's
because you're the most junior officer and the youngest out of
us. He thinks if anyone has to... you know... it should be
someone older and more experienced."

"I'm not that inexperienced," Chekov insisted.

"Well, look at it this way," Sulu said. "If you end up in a
permanent bond with Spock, you'll never make love to anyone but
him, for the rest of your life, unless he dies before you, which
is pretty unlikely. That could mean you only ever make love
another eleven times. I'm not sure, but I'm probably more than
eleven notches ahead of you, so it's fairer if it's me."

To his surprise, Chekov seemed to accept the force of this
argument. The lieutenant lay down flat and reached out to switch
off the light. Everything on this miserable station had
switches. It was practically pre-industrial.

"It wouldn't even be making love," Chekov said. "I mean...
That's not making love."

Sulu reached across the narrow space between the bunks and
patted Chekov's shoulder reassuringly. "Don't worry. Whatever it
is, it's not going to happen to you."

***

The helmsman woke up in a hot sweat.

"Sulu? Lieutenant?"

Sulu shook the dream off. All this worrying about sex...

"What's the matter? You were making so much noise..." Chekov
sounded almost panicked.

Maybe it was the thought of only ever doing it every seven
years. Maybe his subconscious was trying to cram in as much sex
as possible before it was too late...

"Sulu?" The light came on with an annoying mechanical click and
the two officers blinked at each other.

"I'm sorry. I think my imagination is in over drive." The
helmsman focussed on Chekov's pale face and red ringed eyes.
"Can't you sleep?"

"Sulu, you're in charge of this mission, and if something went
wrong, we might get out of here by some trick with
communications, but there's no way this station is going to
navigate anywhere..."

"Shut up, Chekov. I told you, I have my orders."

"You could sleep with Spock instead of me, and then I could be
killed by a Romulan raiding party. I think you should..."

"Chekov, shut up!"

"If we're captured by Romulans I'll probably get raped anyway,
by someone I don't even like. More than one of them, maybe. I'd
really rather..."

"How long have you been lying awake creating worst case
scenarios, Pavel?"

"Ever since you came in," Chekov admitted sheepishly.

"Spock is not willing to go along with this anyhow," Sulu
pointed out. "So just forget it."

"But..."

"Say, yes, sir, Chekov."

"Yes, sir."

"Now go to sleep."

"Yes, sir."

***

Sulu lay awake for the rest of the night, then stumbled into the
common room to find Spock there. He stared at the Vulcan,
wondering if he'd dreamed the whole pon farr incident. Spock was
eating cereal.

"Good morning, Lieutenant Sulu."

"Sir... Good morning, sir."

"Sit down, please. I have something I need to discuss with you."

Sulu dropped into the nearest chair.

"The medication continues to enable me to think clearly, and at
present, the physical symptoms are manageable. We need to decide
what you will do when that is no longer the case. I do not
believe that I can be safely confined in my current quarters. We
must make some alterations."

"Sir..."

"Yes?"

"There is an alternative."

"Which you are all prepared to consider," Spock filled in for
him.

"Yes, sir. Please... please believe me when I tell you that I
don't consider the price too high to pay for your life."

"Please believe me, Mister Sulu, I am not particularly overjoyed
by the prospect of my own imminent demise. There is, in fact,
another option, in addition to what we discussed yesterday..."

"Sir?"

"At least, I think there may be. There are occasions when it
does not suit a Vulcan male to form a permanent bond. In such
cases, a lesser bond can in theory be sufficient to procure
survival during pon farr."

"So what's the catch?" Sulu asked. "I mean..."

"The lesser bond is a weaker, temporary bond with multiple
sexual partners. Traditionally seven in number, although fewer
might suffice. The bond must also be undertaken before the full
height of the plak tow is attained. Which is to say, it must be
done now, or within a few hours at most."

"I'll talk to the others," Sulu said, up and backing towards the
door already.

Spock frowned. "We would avoid some problems at the cost of
creating others. Lieutenant Uhura and Ensign Chekov might find
the idea of a... of an 'orgy' unacceptable."

Sulu blinked. "I don't think so, sir. They're both pretty broad
minded."

Spock raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

"In a good cause," Sulu assured him.

"And four partners might not be sufficient to weaken the bond
significantly."

"Oh," Sulu said. He wasn't actually worried about that, having
been prepared to take the risk of a permanent bond anyway. This
development was significant only because it made the situation
acceptable to Spock. "How unsure are you?"

"Lieutenant, I am almost completely unsure. My education
encompassed normal Vulcan sexuality. Had I become aware that my
own sexuality was problematical, I would at that point have
consulted a specialist for advice. We have no tradition of
entertaining ourselves with bizarre deviations from the basic
biological act."

"Well, what happens if all four of us end up in a permanent
Vulcan bond?" Sulu demanded, focusing on the main issue.

"I don't know."

"Might the fact that three of us are human weaken it anyway?"

"Conceivably."

It was becoming clear to the lieutenant that Spock was talking
himself out of this possible scenario rather quickly. He turned
to go and fetch the others. This was the only chance they had.
They'd just have to seize it.

***

"Nyota..."

"What?" Uhura demanded, turning away from her mirror, hairbrush
in hand. Her cabin struck Sulu as even icier than his own, and
she had no one to warm her blankets for her.

"Spock thinks if all four of us..."

"What?"

"If all four of us did it together, there's a chance there
wouldn't be a permanent bond formed."

"You're joking."

"No. I'm not. Spock suggested it. He started coming out with
reasons not to do it almost immediately, but..."

"All four of us?"

"Yes."

"Why not just three of us?"

"Apparently, the more the better, for weakening the bond, I
mean. Up to a maximum of seven."

"Do Vulcans do this kind of thing often?"

"How should I know? I think Spock must have got the idea off the
Vulcan equivalent of Reader's Digest anyway. He didn't seem very
sure of himself, but at least he seemed to be considering the
idea, which is more than he's done for anything else we've
suggested. So how about it?"

She put the hairbrush down. "What does Chekov say?"

"He'll say he'll do it, won't he? Let's not get into that again."

"I don't know. I'll have to think about it."

"You can't. Apparently, to avoid a permanent bond, it also has
to happen soon."

She blinked as she considered the situation. "I suppose you're
not likely to be hurt as badly..."

"What?"

"Well, he could start on me and move on to you when he was...
was over the worst of it."

"And Chekov last of all. Yes."

"He might not even get round to Chekov," Uhura speculated.

"I think Chekov would have to be there. For the mind meld part
of it."

Uhura was very seriously considering the new idea, her brow
furrowed. "What if he... what if we all get hurt? It would be
three and a half days before the Enterprise got here with
medical help. We might..."

"Spock should be up to giving first aid, treatment for shock."
Sulu looked at her suddenly unwilling face. It had all seemed so
easy a moment ago, so... logical. "He might even fetch us all a
cup of tea."

She laughed, unexpectedly. "This is bizarre, Sulu. I can't
believe I'm sitting here discussing this with you. You know,
ever since Christine told me about the last time, I've sort
of..."

"Speculated about it?"

"Well, the official line was that people working with Spock
should be prepared for the eventuality." She shrugged. "Yes,
I've... speculated. How much are we going to be able to be in
control once we start? He's much stronger than any of us..."

"Not all three of us. Probably."

"But with the mind meld."

Sulu looked at her. "I don't know," he said. It was all anyone
seemed to be saying at the moment. "Are we going to go for it?"

"I'm willing." Uhura smiled at him, boosting his confidence a
little. "How long do we have?"

"He said a few hours."

"That's good." She rose from her stool and went over to a drawer
by her bed. "I think I've got something here..."

Sulu watched her, puzzled. "I don't think contraception..."

"No, stupid. I don't think it should be the first time for
either of you two guys when we do it with Spock." She held up a
tube of massage oil and shook her head at Sulu's expression.
"Sulu, it's going to hurt you a hell of a lot more if you can't
relax, if you don't know what's happening. Also, you'll need
some lubrication..."

"Look, do we have to get this technical?" Sulu objected.

"Yes, we do. I'm just trying to be practical. I'd rather be up
front now than dealing with two cases of severe anal tearing in
twelve hours time."

Sulu went white.

"Come on," Uhura said calmly. "Apart from anything, this'll be
an excellent test of whether Chekov really knows what he's
letting himself in for."

"Oh, you can't be serious. No, Nyota. Please."

Suddenly she was looking annoyed. "So, you're willing to let
Ensign Chekov get raped, but you're not willing to put yourself
out to limit the damage to him. I don't think that's very
responsible, Lieutenant."

"I don't even think I can," Sulu said guiltily. "I've never done
that with a woman even, let alone..."

"Well, you can both start with me, and if I can't get you
interested enough that you can move on to Chekov without
difficulty, my name isn't Nyota Uhura. Remember, I'm also
paramedic for this mission, and you can't disregard medical
advice just because you don't like it. If you want to get torn
to bits, I can't force you, but you have no right to do that to
Chekov."

"Uh..." Sulu wondered, not for the first time, why he was second
in command of this mission, when Uhura was so obviously the
natural leader. The way she was standing there with the tube of
massage oil was positively masterful.

"Okay, let's ask Chekov," he prevaricated. Chekov, the
pornographic images fresh in his mind, would put a stop to this.

Uhura nodded and led the way to the bridge, where Chekov was
whistling plangent Russian hymn tunes as he recalibrated the
sensors. He turned and looked at them.

"Yes?" he said, suspiciously.

"Mister Spock has suggested something else," Sulu began
explaining. "He thinks, if he... were to have sex with all three
of us, there's a possibility, not a certainty, that a permanent
bond wouldn't be formed."

"I've already said I'm willing," Chekov reminded them.

"I know, but this is a little different. You might be willing to
go to bed with Mister Spock, but have reservations about doing
it as a foursome."

"Well, as it happens, I don't," Chekov snapped.

"Okay, good," Sulu replied, wondering how on earth the ensign
had gotten himself into such a bad mood. "Over to you,
Lieutenant."

Uhura glared at him. "Right. The next question is, have you ever
been to bed with a man before?"

"Of course I haven't."

"There's no of course about it," she reproved primly. "But..."

"But I have read a book about it."

She raised a very Spock-like eyebrow. "What book?"

Chekov glanced at the computer screen behind him but didn't say
anything so Sulu took a step forward and read out what was
printed there. "The Ass Book, a Practical Guide to Bum Banditry,
by Patrick Gayle." He looked at Uhura, whose massage oil was
suddenly nowhere in sight. "I think I'm going to be ill."

Uhura peered over his shoulder. "Chekov, this was published in
1994. Your thoroughness astounds me, but couldn't you find
something more up to date?"

He shrugged. "There wasn't very much in the library here. I
don't imagine the principles have changed."

"No, well..." Uhura began.

"It recommends using massage oil..." The lieutenants' eyes met
guiltily. "And, well, it wasn't a problem in 1994, but I don't
think it would have recommended a Vulcan undergoing pon farr as
your first partner. I was thinking, it might be a good idea..."
Chekov trailed off.

"Go on," Sulu said, feeling the trap closing in.

"No. It wasn't really a good idea at all."

"For you and I to... start each other off?"

Chekov shrugged. "I didn't mean to offend you."

"I'm not offended," Sulu said airily. "I'm beyond being
offended. Nothing will ever offend me again at this rate.

Chekov swung out of his seat and started peeling his tunic.

"Now what the hell are you doing?"

"Getting undressed," the ensign explained. "We can go somewhere
else if you like, but I am on duty..."

"Hold on," Sulu said. His colleagues looked at him expectantly.
After a moment, Uhura crossed her arms, grabbed the hem of her
red dress and pulled it off over her head. She shivered.

"It's cold, isn't it?" Chekov said sympathetically.

"Sure is. Sulu, I need you to keep me warm."

The helmsman glanced uncomfortably at Chekov. "Are you two
really sure you want to do this? I mean, I know we have to do
something, but... wouldn't it be easier if I just wait until
Mister Spock is completely out of control and then shoot myself
immediately afterwards? I think that would be easier all round
really..."

Uhura shook her head.

"Chekov?" Sulu made one final appeal for restraint. The ensign
finished undressing, paying no attention to him.

Sulu went over to the environmental controls and overrode the
preset level to give them a couple more degrees of heat. When he
turned back, his colleagues were wrapped in each other's arms.
Uhura smiled encouragingly over Chekov's shoulder and held out
her hand to the helmsman.

***

"I felt such a fool," Sulu said, as McCoy dialled up the records
of the four officers on his office computer.

"Why, what happened then?"

"Well... nothing. There wasn't really time. I asked Chekov again
if he was really sure he was willing to go ahead. I suppose I
was still hoping he'd say no. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I
didn't like being in control of the situation. I wanted it to
just... get out of control, be taken out of my hands. I was
willing to... to be carried along by events, I suppose. Anyhow,
that was when Spock came in."

"Mm. And?" McCoy prompted.

"He was, um, naked. And, uh, very much aroused. And that was
when I hit Chekov."

McCoy glanced up from the stylus whose patterned barrel had been
claiming nine tenths of his attention. "You hit Chekov? Why?"

Sulu shrugged. "He giggled. I was worried... I was worried it
would have the sort of effect someone giggling would have on me.
I wasn't sure what kind of damage that might do to Mister Spock."

"It wouldn't be logical for him to have the kind of fragile ego
that falls apart because of the odd giggle," McCoy said.

"No. I didn't mean that. I meant, well, I knew Mister Spock had
to go through with some kind of sexual act, and I wasn't sure
what would happen if he..."

"Couldn't maintain an erection? Hm. Good point. So you hit
Chekov. Just a slap?"

"Yes. Only... well, I don't know anything about Vulcans and sex.
I don't think I want to. Maybe they beat each other up as
foreplay. Spock just went mad. He grabbed Chekov and threw him
down on the deck. I tried to drag him off, and Uhura tried to
help me, and of course, once we were all touching like that, the
mindmeld took effect. It was... weird, as if I was all four of
us at once. Uhura was just thinking about... about getting
Chekov out of the way and doing... doing whatever was necessary,
Spock's mind was like some kind of inferno, I can't describe it,
and Chekov... Chekov was thinking about all that gay pornography
he'd been looking at, and about what Mister Spock looked like
when he walked in, and... and he kept laughing."

McCoy nodded. "Vulcan erectile tissue works on a totally
different principle to the human variety. Instead of becoming
engorged with an increased blood supply, the wall of each cell
actually contracts, so that the cells become very rigid but
smaller. So, yes, an aroused Vulcan would look a little...
diminished."

"Yes, well. I ordered him to shut up, but it came out that Uhura
ordered him to shut up... Anyhow, he did. Shut up, I mean. And
just about then Mister Spock... uh, he finished."

"Climaxed?"

"Yes. Uh... That seemed pretty human. Anyhow, that was it. It
took about two minutes in total. I couldn't believe it was over
that quickly. But I suppose if you're a polite Vulcan lady, a
hundred and twenty seconds of uncontrolled passion once every
seven years might seem like an awful imposition. So, we all had
a few bruises, but no other side effects, except that Chekov
isn't talking to me. I'm not sure if it's because I hit him or
what. Mister Spock went off and cleaned up and then he just
carried on as if nothing had happened... No, he did thank me and
Uhura privately for what he called 'our assistance in a
difficult situation'. I'm not sure if he spoke to Chekov. I
assume he did."

"I'll talk to Chekov," McCoy reassured the lieutenant. "But I
doubt if he's mad at you. There's a story, I can't remember the
details, about some hero who goes out to battle a terrible
monster, and when he tracks it down, it's exactly as everyone
described it, but only a few inches tall. Sort of St George and
the gecko."

Sulu thought for a moment. "Yes. That's about it. Only don't say
that to Mister Spock, Doctor. Please?"