OT: Shakespeare
T_M...@altavista.com
some recs on Hamlet/Ghost slash.
I'm asking this here because I know that there are some scholars of
English lit here and you girls are in my eyes most likely to have the
inside scoop in that fandom.
TIA,
T'Maia
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Ellen_F...@hotmail.com
> I recently discovered Shakespeare fanfiction and now I'm looking for
> some recs on Hamlet/Ghost slash.
>
> I'm asking this here because I know that there are some scholars of
> English lit here and you girls are in my eyes most likely to have the
> inside scoop in that fandom.
>
> TIA,
>
> T'Maia
Hamlet/Ghost?! Yikes. There's one I've never thought of. Hamlet/
Horatio, maybe. And is it still incest when one partner is a ghost?
Anyone know of any Othello/Iago slash? That's a pairing I'd really like
to read.
Ellen
Ermelyne
<<Anyone know of any Othello/Iago slash? That's a pairing I'd really like
to read.>>
Don't know of any fic, but I'm told that the Kenneth Branaugh film version
of Othello has a strong slash vibe between Othello and Iago -- just in case
anyone needs inspiration. :-)
Chris
Miss Sunbeam
--- Ermelyne <erme...@mediaone.net> wrote:
> Ellen writes:
>
> <<Anyone know of any Othello/Iago slash? That's
> a pairing I'd really like
> to read.>>
>
> Don't know of any fic, but I'm told that the
> Kenneth Branaugh film version
> of Othello has a strong slash vibe between
> Othello and Iago -- just in case
> anyone needs inspiration. :-)
>
> Chris
And in some 1930's Brit stage version of
*Othello* with Olivier as Othello and Gielgud as
Iago, (or maybe it was Ralph Richardson; pretty
sure it was Gielgud) at the end of the famous Act
III, scene iii (the temptation scene) right after
where Othello says, "Now art thou my lieutenant"
and Iago replies "I am thy own forever" (sumpin
like that), Gielgud kissed Olivier. On the
mouth. For an extended period of time. Kenneth
Tynan mentioned it in *the New Yorker* once.
sunbeam
=====
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Mary Ellen Curtin
> Gielgud kissed Olivier. On the
> mouth. For an extended period of time.
And did anyone think to get pix??!?!?
Mary Ellen
Doctor Science, MA
http://www.eclipse.net/~mecurtin/au/
Alternate Universes: Fanfiction Studies
http://www.eclipse.net/~mecurtin/foresmut/
The Foresmutters Project
Miss Sunbeam
I'm just fooling around!
But I love TNG and I thought it oughta have an ep
guide, esp. before everybody forgets it exists
and also before TNN starts to rerun it.
Anyhow, it's just for fun: no offense meant.
luv ya,
Sunbeam
Miss Sunbeam
SEASON 1 (O1/07)
AKA Through a Sunbeam Darkly
Author: The Enigmatic Big Sunbeam
Code: TNG
Rating: R for Language and Suggestive Situations.
Summary: Inspired by the buhrilliant LeneT's TOS
listings, I offer this up to you. It's also a
celebration of the forthcoming stripping of TNG
eps on TNN (The National Network, *nee* The
Network That Brought You Thirty-Minute
Infomercials on Jimmy Dean Sausages!)
Warnings: Spoilers. Lies. Gossip. Nonsense.
GOTTA SAY: TNG rules!
1. Encounter at Farpoint. Wherein introduced is
the basic strategy of TNG episodes: Things Happen
So There Must Be a Plot! So tonight Things
Happen while you see the cast warming up their
characters. It's interesting how far wrong Brent
Spiner and His Love-Yahweh
SirLordPatrickStewartiness (I am not worthy to
speak His name) are about their characters, and
Bev is SO hostile! Only Wil Wheaton is actually
Wes. Kinda interesting that. Wait, what am I
saying? I must be insane! Of course, John
deLancie knows EXACTLY what's he doing as Q. U
Can't Touch Q! Don't Hurt 薦m deLancie! (BTW,
love the hippy dippy Deadhead who chastises the .
. . thing that is doing the . . .thing.)
2. The Naked Now. A sex virus afflicts the crew,
and, as Elvis so tellingly puts it in his *Peace
in the Valley*, they are changed, changed from
the creatures they am. Since the actors are
still searching for their instruments, they make
many silly gestures. Deanna calls Will "Bill".
Bill. BILL. Jean-Luc clowns around with how
much Bev sexually arouses him; boy, he gets over
that FAST, doesn't he? And, finally, Data points
out that he's fully functional, thus engendering
a boozillion sex fantasies. Not to mention a
groozillion teeshirts.
3. Code of Honor. Those crazy Negroes! A
terrible episode! Not even Governor Wallace
would have an excuse for this racist ep! Tasha
fights a black gal in the Star Trek equivalent of
"Under the Bamboo Tree" and she either wins or
loses, depending on your point of view. Also, it
looks as if Jean-Luc may not be quite the
archaeologist he fancies himself to be. At the
beginning, he gives the Negroes a sculpture and
says in his best RSC way: "Here, you lot,
something as primitive as you are! A Sung
dynasty sculpture of a horse!" SUNG!!!! When it
is so clearly T'ang!! I mean, that's one of
those things you learn in remedial Chinese art
history! It's like saying, here's an Egyptian
mummy from the time of George Washington!!!!
Fortunately, TPTB get their act considerably
together after this.
4. The Last Outpost. Here Riker is declared
bestest guy in the whole damn world by T'Kon, the
Carekeeper. *Oh, I am Riker, Sexgod of Sexgods.
Look on my good stuff, ladies, and get down!* Of
course, his only competition is a bunch of
Ferengis (first Ferengi sighting, by the way).
Poor Jonathan Frakes: he's just crucified by
being Roddenberry's Marlon Sue. Hey, I'm not
making this crap up; I've done research! Frakes
reports that he was told by Roddenberry not to
smile the whole first season because GR wanted
Riker to get that "midwest Gary Cooper thing"
going on. OH REALLY. We thought it was that
"midwest piece of wood thing". On a related
topic, upstairs in a closet chez Sunbeam, I have
one of those Big Cardboard Rikers! We are fond
of Big Cardboard Riker; he comes to all our
parties, and he helps us out at Halloween too! A
couple of years ago as a birthday gift, I gave
Mr. Sunbeam a bar guide which I myself had
written, and I entitled it "Put Some Gin In It
This Time!" (something I say a lot). Among other
things, it contains a recipe for a Big Cardboard
Riker; you have to use blue curacoa and a little
plastic trombone.
5. Where No One Has Gone Before is your basic
NAMBLA episode. A couple of guys come on board
the Enterprise and make it vroom all over the
universe and the vrooming just gets out of hand
basically and the scarier one of the two guys,
the one named Traveler (curiously this is also
the name of Robert E. Lee's horse), takes a fancy
to Wesley and tells Captain Picard how precious
and wonderful and Mozartean etc., etc., little
Wesley is. It is a mark of how civilized they
are in the future that no one openly laughs in
Traveler's face. (It takes six years, but
Traveler finally finally nails Wes).
6. Lonely Among Us. So much plot! My head can
hardly retain all this plot. Okay, the plot:
basically two races hate each other (they are the
Calico Cat and Gingham Dog of races); the episode
ends when it runs out of plot. (Note to TPTB:
More sex and ass and nipples and quivering
manhoods and so on. And less plot.)
7. Justice. Riker takes an away team to the
Planet of the Zombie Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders!
Bunch of blondes of all genders fetchingly tug at
their thong-like outer garments as they welcome
our gang. (Many visits to Wig Outlet Mall went
into the making of this ep.) Turns out these new
people are hot to trot AND they want to kill
Wesley (someone in the front office seems to be
working through some issues here). Poor old
Jean-Luc has to explain all this to Bev. (Bev is
slightly affected.) Head of Zombie Dallas Cowboy
Cheerleaders gets on her knees to Picard, but
nothing happens. Oh, BTW, we get to see God.
Worf sums it up when he says: "Nice planet."
8. The Battle. Listless Ferengi plot. Jean-Luc
goes mad. This is before PSHimself realized
Jean-Luc *doesn't* go mad. In theory we get
backstory on JLP, but none that helps us any.
9. Hide and Q. Q wears the hottest outfit in his
career, a French Empire kinda thing: he has a
sexy lap, I must say. He also tries to seduce
the thuggish Riker who just doesn't get it.
"Say, Blue Eyes, it's hot, isn't it, and we could
play a little game, couldn't we, and let me ply
you with alcohol, and what are you doing later
tonight?" But Riker just goes "duh".
Bafflingly, Q still grants Riker the power of the
Q, so Riker makes a lame attempt to give
everybody what they want most. Wesley gets to
be suddenly grown up (he turns out to be the kind
of guy who works at Chess King in the mall), Worf
gets a date with Acquanetta the Eel Woman, and
Geordi can see! Only Jean-Luc spurns him, and
all of sudden ALL CREATION realizes what Q's
getting at. Jean-Luc, for God's sake, man, put
out!
10. Haven. Wherein we are introduced to the
explicable gifts of Lwaxana Troi. We also get
to meet Wyatt with whom Deanna was betrothed from
birth and also his Etch-a-Sketch hobby.
Everybody make a huge big fat deal about this
betrothal, and then it is never alluded to EVER
again. We also get to see Jean-Luc pretending
Lwaxana's luggage is heavy (I love hokey stage
business like that, and JLP is good).
11. The Big Goodbye. Hey, whatever happened to
the Ship's Historian? We never see this
character or this role again! Boohoo! At any
rate, Jean-Luc plays detective Dixon Hill on the
holodeck in order to relieve bug-related tensions
(the bugs are a tribe of aliens who demand that
he speak their pointless gibberish perfectly when
he greets them or else they'll pack up their doll
clothes and go home). Not much of a plot premise
if you ask me. Nonetheless, Atrickpay Oowartstay
really earns his Star Trek nickel here. In one
fab scene, he's Dixon Hill glaring at the police
goons who are giving him the third degree and
then, in the same take, he breaks character and
tells the holograms how good they are. You gotta
see it! Plus he graces his 1940's costumes with
the most heartfelt eleganza. Can you blame Q for
loving him so? (Since this is before everyone
knew what they were doing, JLP and Bev make plans
to go his Dixon-Hill-office and GET BUSY. JLP
and Bev tres hot here. He's dying to put his hand
on her knee, just under the edge of her rayon
hem, and then move that great paw just up to the
tops of her nylon stockings and then toy with her
garters while she whispers "no, Jean-Luc, no, we
mustn't," but of course she doesn't mean it.
*sigh*)
12. Datalore. This is where we meet Super
Fantasy Fodder Lore! AND the crystalline entity
(grrr!) Lore is a classic evil twin: sinister,
amusingly effete, and PRETTY HOT! But, of
course, stupid Wesley has to fling Lore into
outer space. (Also, stupid Wesley seems to be
alone in recognizing that Lore is not Data. I
guess Wheaton was the only one to read that
week's script.) We learn about Data's off switch
too. Hmmm, I think I'd like a man with an *on
and off* switch, knowwhutimean? Hey, yall, who's
hot for Lore? Is it Geordi? Or Deanna? Tasha
maybe? And who does LORE want most? Riker? Or
Cap? Or is it . . . Data himself that Lore
fancies? A capital episode!
13. Angel One. A planet where Girls' Gym
Teachers Rule! Then the Girls' Gym Teachers
capture Riker and put him in a dress and
earrings! Then there's some plot. Like all the
other first- season red-herrings, the fascinating
image of an ultra-femme Riker is not followed up
in the next seven years.
14. 11001001 - starring the Bynars! For a long
time, I thought this was the ep where some
problem occurs and so Jean-Luc has to set off a
ship-auto-destruct mechanism (so teen-aged-girl
petty that I was surprised Jean-Luc didn't go to
the mall afterwards and shoplift some nail
polish). Turns out I was confused. But still a
problem DOES occur. And then a solution. Hey,
while Riker falls for holohottie Minuet, JLP
seems to be there only as background noise. Ho
ho. You can tell GR is still fruitlessly
grooming Frakes as TNG's resident stud.
(Roddenberry *really* likes that
kitten-faced-boy/angular-man dyad, doesn't he?
Riker and Picard. Kirk and Spock. Pike and
Spock. Even Pike and Number One and, way back in
*The Lieutenant*, Gary Lockwood and Robert
Vaughn.)
15. Too Short a Season. Guy gets young v.
quickly (useful skill). There's also a
mean-alien kind of guy named Karnas who wants to
wreak revenge on young-ing guy. Mean guy is
played by soft-core porn actor/producer Michael
Pataki. I LOVE Michael Pataki. His speciality
as an actor is the wicked blowhard, from the
insulting second-Klingon-in-command in *The
Trouble with Tribbles* to the hot 創' ultra
slashy J.C. in Mystery Science Theatre 3K
classic, *The Sidehackers* (which is where I
first fell in love with Michael Pataki). I'm not
sure what this episode is about, but I'll
probably try to stay old.
16. When the Bough Breaks. Starring Radue!!!
Studio audience, give a warm welcome to Radue!
The plot is that there's a race of people and
they have screwed around with nature and so
they're sterile and they're really sad but they
cheer up a lot after they steal Wes and some
other children from the Enterprise and this looks
like a good deal for everybody!!! Yay!
Especially the studio audience! Radue is the
ringleader of this wacky scheme; he is played by
Jerry Hardin! Jerry Hardin! He who had a small
role in *Thunder Road* ("And it was Thunder!
Thunder! Over Thunder Road! Something something
something and white lightnin' was their load!" I
love old movies about the hotheaded drawlin,
brawlin, lovin, smoochin South, esp. if they have
Robert Mitchum in them.) (Jerry Hardin also gets
to be in Joe Don Baker movies.) However, the
downside of all this is that Jerry Hardin also
played the single most irritating character on
TNG when he was the wheezy Mark Twain in *Time's
Arrow* I and II. Oh, yeah, Wes and them get to
go back to the ship, and somehow the magic faerie
of fertility visits Radue's race, so this was
another ep with no real point.
17. Home Soil. What a splendidly cheap show!
Lots of scenes where the cast stares into the
camera pretending to look at "dangerous"
microscopic creatures.
"Look at what they're doing now!" Close-up
Bighead JLP says!
"Oh, no!" says Close-Up Bighead Geordi!
"The creatures are multiplying exponentially,"
says Close-up Bighead Data!
No sex. Although that would be easy to script.
Close-up Bighead JLP: "Mon dieu, I've never seen
a bigger lovepole!"
Close-up Bighead Worf: "Too bad, Captain Picard!
Now pull down those drawers!"
Close-up Bighead Riker: "Meanwhile, Data, you
help me hogtie Geordi so I can take out Li'l
Willy and . . ." Man, I could write this script
all day long!
18. Coming of Age: See, Riker's getting a suntan
in the holodeck but he stays there too long and
gets sunburned and so Bev has to give him a big
shot of cordrazine and Jean-Luc is wandering
around and he says, "whatcha doin' Bev?" and it
startles her and her hand jumps and she
accidentally injects the cordrazine into Jean-Luc
and he goes crazy and starts having sex with
everyone he sees, starting with bright red Riker
in baggy swim trunks, um, and then Jean-Luc moves
back to earth and gets his own series and it's
called "Howdy, I'm Jean-Luc!" and his wacky
next-door neighbors are played by Suzanne Somers,
Lee Iacocca, and Flipper and there's always a
moral where everybody learns some sort of lesson
and then there's a big final music salute to
"Coming of Age"!!! <teeny voice> I'm a terrible
Trekkie! I don't have any idea about what
happens in this ep! I made all that up!
19. Heart of Glory. To think TPTB didn't hire
Dorn fulltime at first, and then he ends up
striding two whole series like the Colossus he
is! Here, two hot 創' leathery Klingons come on
board the Enterprise and taunt Worf for being a
nelly federation Klingon. He is torn.
Eventually one of them dies and Worf gets to
growl at the camera to warn him the dead are
coming: Kool Klingon thing.
20. The Arsenal of Freedom. What a great Twilight
Zone episode! See, okay, lotta plot here, and
it's v. ironic! Species of Vincent
Schiavelli-lookalikes invent weapons so clever
that they destroy themselves. Fair enough. But,
in the process of destroying themselves, they
also leave a CGI salesman (who looks EXACTLY like
Vincent Schiavelli). The salesman keeps trying
to sell the same terrible machines to our gang by
showing them how destructive the machines are.
Shakespeareanly clever JLP figures out that the
only way to get Vincent Schiavelli to put a sock
in it is to buy his stupid program. And he does.
And it does. A nice ep! Tasha (hey, does she
have the eightiest hair in the world or what) and
Riker get threatened with annihilation! Way to
go!
21. Symbiosis. Drug Addict ep. The chief drug
addict is played by the actor who was David,
Captain Kirk's pretty-boy son. He does a lot of
v. pubic acting with his Shatneresque mouth and
it's a pleasure to see him. The whole ep is kind
of a prototype of "Velvet Goldmine" only without
the music. And without the nudity. And the
buttfucking is only implied.
22. Skin of Evil. Love that title! See, there's
a horrible villain and his name is Armus and he
kills Tasha and he gets Riker dirty and he's got
skin of evil and we hate him and they leave him
alone and he lives in a swamp and he's got no
friends and he's crying and he's lonely and . . .
oh, no, I'm on Armus's side all the way! Tasha:
what is it Shakespeare says! We owe God a death!
Get over it, blondie!
23. We'll Always Have Paris. Jean-Luc appears to
have had an affair with the cuter girl from the
old sixties group, The Mamas and the Papas.
Guess he stopped into a church. Guess he got
down on his knees to pray. Etc. etc. You get
the picture. Despite all the potential, kinda
boring the way all them early eps is.
24. Conspiracy. A favorite episode among
slashers because of the presence of Walker Keel.
Walker introduced Jack to Bev, and, of course,
Jean-Luc (theoretically) caused Jack's death but,
since Jean-Luc was also friends with Walker,
Walker's a key erotic figure. What do you want
to bet that Jack and Walker and Jean-Luc had some
three-way action right out of Andre Gide? But
then Jack and Jean-Luc got a load of Beverly's
stuff and that was that. Seems like Walker has
been sulking all these years. Also: giant bugs
come out of people's mouths. (Hey, Jean-Luc,
that happens with my ex-boyfriends too!) Added
pluses: Riker eats worms!!! and another guy's
head explodes! Fun for the whole family!
25. The Neutral Zone. Boo! We're Romulans!
Beware not only of us but also of our fearsome
shoulder pads! Hey, three frozen guys from the
1980's show up; they are meant to be typical
frozen guys of the 1980's, to wit, a frazzled
housewife, a country singer, and an asshole.
The country singer (played by eerie Brechtian
hillbilly Leon Rippy more as a hillbilly might be
than as an actual hillbilly) hooks up with Data,
the asshole is an asshole, and the frazzled
housewife locates her great great great great
grandson and makes plans to go and live with him.
This is not a good thing! If my great great
great great grandmother turned up from outer
space, she would not be welcome, being no doubt
much like Granny Clampett, only more primitive
and less charming. And even MORE likely to offer
marsupial-flavored snacks.
end 01/07
Miss Sunbeam
Author: The Enigmatic Big Sunbeam
Code: TNG
Rating: R for Language and Suggestive Situations.
tough going for us fans, primarily because of . .
. PULASKI!!!!! ARRRRGGGGGHHH! Ddid Helen
Keller do that casting??? Honestly. Well, back
to the plot: aliens impregnate Deanna, she has a
child and names it Ian, and Ian just grows and
grows and grows until he explodes. Okay, that's
kinda different. (Strangely enough, no one ever
alludes to Ian ever again. Ever. What's up with
that? In real life, people would at least THINK
about Deanna's strange child. Does Deanna not
want them to? "Cap-TAN, I sense the crew is
thinking of IAN AGAN." So Jean-Luc strips down
to nothing but a pair of lion-tamer tights, picks
up the whip, and says in the sexiest voice in
history: "Belay that thinking about Ian, you lot,
or taste the whip." Ooooooooohh.)
27. Where Silence Has Lease. Nagillum takes over
the ship. Help! I'm scared of Nagillum! His
head is as big as a horizon! It's just creepy!
Jean-Luc decides, rather than cede control of the
ship to creepy Nagillum, to blow it up along with
all the people on it. Oh, I see, KING Jean-Luc.
L'Enterprise: C'est HIM! No chance of playing
along with Nagillum and then fooling him later?
No, just le boomboom maintenant, eh, mon frere!
28. Elementary, Dear Data. Buncha Sherlock
Holmes stuff with Data and Geordi. Geordi screws
around with the holodeck, and Professor Moriarty
becomes real and takes over the ship. Moriarty
also kidnaps Pulaski "because he wants to." Oh,
sure. The uncanny lack of chemistry between
Pulaski and everyone else in existence is quite
striking; do you think she has like a . . .
forcefield going on? Still: Jean-Luc gets to
wear gorgeous nineteenth-century togs! Two sex
points: Sex point A) When Jean-Luc goes to
Geordi's quarter, Geordi apologizes for screwing
up. The camera shuts down. Jean-Luc says, "now
that the camera's off, you must do what you
always do when you fail me, Geordi. On your
knees and make it last longer this time." Then
he fumbles at his fly. A dot of saliva appears
in the corner of Geordi's mouth. Sex point B)
The amusingly snippy and affected actor who plays
Moriarty is originally from . . . Arkansas!!!!
That's right: tell your ma, tell your pa!
Moriarty's from Arkansas! Wonder if Bill Clinton
tried to have sex with him? Wonder if Bill got
state troopers to bring Moriarty to the Razorback
Hilton? Wonder if Bill said, "Al, turn yore
head! Moriarty, yew are MAHHHHHNNN!" *sigh* I
miss our Zeus-like Bill Clinton. Shakespeare
might have been speaking of the US government in
2001 when he has Hamlet Jr. compare Hamlet Sr. to
Claudius as "Like Hyperion to a toad."
29. The Outrageous Okona. TNG still loitering at
the edges of what it could be. Guinan and Data
tonelessly discuss "being funny". Then Joe
Piscopo does an ineffably tragic turn as a
holoststandup comedian showing Data how to be
funny. Oh, for God's sake, Gericault's "Raft of
the Medusa" provokes more laughs than these
deadly scenes! Some guy who's supposed to be
cute (he DOES have a ponytail) does some things.
His name's Okona and the best thing about him is
that we lovely ladies can slash him with
JLP/Will/Worf til the cows come home, so he's not
totally useless.
30. Loud as a Whisper: Deaf Guy and his three
backup singers, AKA the Pips, board the ship.
The Pips get murdered and Data has to learn sign
language so he can be a Junior Pip. Yay! This
works out tremendously well for everyone. Except
for the first Pips.
31. The Schizoid Man. Disturbing ep. We get to
see a corpse. EWWWWW!!!! The corpse's soul
possesses Data's body for classic corpse motives:
so he can get laid by his surviving pretty
assistant! He's like a mad scientist, so, see,
there IS a plot. Now, back to your desks.
32. Unnatural Selection Pulaski turns into a
horrible old bag. Ah.
33. A Matter of Honor: Great Riker ep and slashy
as hell! Apparently, Jean-Luc and the captain
of a Klingon vessel grant each other
most-favored-boytoystatus; the Klingons get
Riker. Lotsa of steamy moments ensue. Riker
takes a real
shine to lanky farouche Klag who returns the
favor. Klag's dad doesn't understand him.
"Neither does mine," Riker says and bites his
lower lip, "but I always wanted someone, a daddy,
who would unnerstand me."
"I know what you mean," Klag breathes.
"Jean-Luc, he's nice ‘n' everything, but he
doesn't give me what I really want."
Klag swallows, "What do you really want?"
"Sometimes," Riker fixes his most limpid gaze on
Klag, "sometimes I think I need a spanking. With
my pants down."
"Ahh," says Klag, nearly swooning, "you mean,
with your knees apart. So I can see everything?"
"Yes," Riker whispers demurely.
Wow. You all get the picture. Happy ending!
Klag and Riker get married, plus there's bacteria
and a comic Benzite!
34. The Measure of a Man is just so eighties! I
refer of course to Phillipa Louvois, overly
aerobicized careerwhore being offered up as a
role model for real women. She snaps out with
her steel jaws, "Jean-Luc, you're the sexiest man
I ever knew." A genuinely scary moment, but Pee
Ess, great actor that he is, doesn't flinch.
Riker dismembers Data and we are reminded of the
sad little incident where Data slept with Tasha.
35. The Dauphin. Wesley gets a girlfriend, but,
oh, no! she's a shape shifter! Thus revealing
TPTB's prejudice in favor of
ineluctable-modality-of-the-visible! Their bias
towards stasis! "Everybody's great and we got,
heheheheh, the Prime Directive Goin' On, unless a
guy changes one little shape and then forget it!
Drown'em in their own lake," they cry! But I
paraphrase Melville: who ain't a shapeshifter? I
mean eventually?
36. Contagion. The Future! This one appears to
be all about the set! There's a terrible
virulent computer virus and even Data gets it.
So Geordi has to reboot him. That's right!
Geordi has to reboot his lover! Is that not so
Geordi! The Geordiest! None more Geordi!
37.The Royale. Another show about the set! See,
there's this planet and they're all living out a
vivid fantasy life of gambling and women and
meanwhile there's, like, a dried-up corpse
upstairs, just lying there! And Jean-Luc and
them come in and tell the others to knock it off.
What party poopers! Hey, what's wrong with
living in a fantasy world! Not that we know
anyone who would do such a thing!
38. Time Squared. Uhoh! Shuttlecraft accident!
Et voila! Deux Jean-Luc's! Not as much fun than
it sounds, because the Nouveau Jean-Luc just
stares into space! Well! Then they kill the
Nouveau Jean-Luc because they don't know what
else to do. (If Bev had been there, she'd a
known what to do. She'd say, "I believe I'll
take Nouveau Jean-Luc to, uh, sickbay for, uhh,
experiments." But really she would lead the
bovine newcomer to her pad, plug in some Percy
Faith, and GET IT ON.)
39. The Icarus Factor. Here Mitch Ryan turns up
as Riker's mean daddy. Yeah, the very same daddy
who turned out young Will to the mining camps of
the Yukon back when Will was the most lissome
fifteen-year-old under the Northern Lights. When
I went to my first con this year (KiSCon, March
2001) I thought I was in Heaven! Because SURELY
there's a round-the-clock video room in Heaven
which shows nothing but old William Shatner
television shows! What. A. Trip. KiSCon
screened one early-60's episode of *The
Defenders* where Shatner played a
man-in-the-grey-flannel-suit type who
accidentally kills a guy. Well, Shatner has to
go on trial, but the defense claims that nobody
really liked the dead guy so Shatner's pretty
much innocent (and we all better watch our
asses!) Interestingly enough, Joanna Linville,
who was the Romulan Commander, plays Mrs. Killer
Shatner here, and then Mitch Ryan shows up! He's
the dead guy's brother and he wants Shatner to
fry! (Ryan must specialize in wicked relatives.)
Anyhow, Shatner makes a big courtroom speech
("get a life!" he tells the jury) and then the
credits roll. I agree with their verdict
completely; Shatner is just precious here. Oh,
yeah, in this ep, Riker and Mitch end up pounding
on each other with big Oedipal anbo-jyutsu
`sticks, and nothing gets resolved.
40. Pen Pals. Before Data saves tonight's
kitten, Jean-Luc splays those fabulous thighs
across a fine piece of horseflesh. Alas, the
camera does not linger, but even so Jean-Luc's
ineffable foxiness . . . is just ineffable. See:
stupid old TPTB wanted J-L to just be, like,
what?, the Obi Wan Kenobi of TNG? Then when
everybody in Hollywood found out how much WE
ladies LUUUUUUUUUUUURVVVVVVVVE His P.S.ness,
they start doing all this shit. Like f'rinstance
giving Daniel Benzali a teevee show. "Yoohoo,
girls, he's a Brit, and bald, and kinda of
temperamental! Now watch Our Show!" The
corporate mind clearly misunderstands the
many-throated Cleopatra that is American
womankind. Jean-Luc Picard and Only Jean-Luc
Picard will do. Now peel us a grape.
41. Q Who. OOOOOoooohhhh. Another ep centering
on Jean-Luc's thighs! See, there's a bar full of
hot men and no women at all! And the most
handsome and dominant man drapes his huge thighs
across a barstool and says to the prettiest boy
there: "You're fascinating to learn about but
next of kin to chaos." And the prettiest boy's
wide dreaming poppy-colored mouth opens and he's
stunned. Everywhere in America, brains caught
ON FIRE!!! (Even if the grammar was baffling.)
John deLancie is at his maximum beautifulness
here; it's just uncanny. This ep starts off with
the famous (to us) kidnaped-in-a-shuttlecraft
scene between Jean-Luc and Q, as meaningfully
crafted as a Vermeer.
42. Samaritan Snare. Featuring the Pakleds.
What's their thing: why, they're dumb as mud!!!
Star Trek for Dummies! They steal Geordi because
"He is smart. He makes things go." Then our gang
fools them and they return Geordi. But I think
Pakleds Rule!!! Oh, yeah, this is the one where
Wes and Cap go off in a shuttlecraft and Cap
tells Wes about his artificial heart. "Would you
like to see my scar?" Cap says. Wes swallows.
"And, by the way, Wesley, I have other scars as
well. On other parts of my body. There's
nothing wrong with two manly men showing each
other their scars, you know. Can I examine you
for scars, Wes? We'll just put this little craft
on automatic and go in the back and look . . .
for scars, right, Wes? It will be our little
secret."
43. Up the Long Ladder. Huguenot clones on one
side, Irish spacemen on the other. I kid you
not. And then Riker gets laid by one of those
terrifyingly over-simplified zestful-breastful
full-of-life girls that are completely fictional.
44. Manhunt. Lwaxana. Hey, guess what I just
found out? (Ole Sunbeam has done her homework.)
While researching hillbilly drive-in movies (I
have many interests), I found that Majel had a
featured role in "Country Boy"! Yes, the classic
1966 hillbilly drive-in movie "Country Boy"!
Starring Skeeter Davis! And Sheb Wooley! You
surely remember "Country Boy" where the wicked
agent discovers the title character pumping gas
and singing and signs him to a career. Alas,
according to the All-Movie guide, the
aforementioned country boy has stage fright, so
his agent has to:
"help him out by dressing him up as Abe Lincoln
and getting him to sing rock & roll. The audience
is totally offended and the US President
personally requests a meeting with the boy's
father to try and persuade the lad to give up his
sacrilegious act."
As they say in the print-humor biz, I am not
making this up. Majel plays the part of "Miss
Wynn", and, using my enormous Lwaxana-like
psychic powers, I believe that means she's the
agent's secretary. Thank God she married well.
Oh, in "Manhunt" Lwxanna grazes on the holodeck
for a while. She doesn't seem to quite
understand holodecks, BTW, so I must say she's
awfully unworldly for a psychic ambassador from
outer space.
45. The Emissary. Worf's old girlfriend shows up.
They snarl at each other. This passes as a
plot.
46. Peak Performance. Featuring the mandarin and
effeminate Zakdorns, with the brilliant Roy
Brocksmith as Public Zakdorn Number One!
Brocksmith is a great alien; notice how his
movement suggests that he might have three or
more legs. And why not? This ep has such a
rockin plot: Zakdorns, games, Ferengi subterfuge,
Riker fights Jean-Luc, Data learns some kind of
lesson. It's got it all!
47. Shades of Gray A slide show! An
audiovisual! I do this all the time. I say to
myself: do I really want to go in and try to
taunt that herd of teen satan-worshippers into
giving it up for see-aye-tee-spells-cat! NAWWW,
I'll show an AV instead! Hence this show: Riker
strolling down memory lane. And Pulaski
compounds the error.
end 02/07
Miss Sunbeam
Author: The Enigmatic Big Sunbeam
Code: TNG
Rating: R for Language and Suggestive Situations.
48. Evolution. Thanks to Wesley, nanites run
amok. See, it's his science project but it got
out of hand! Oh, Wes, you asshole! The
director of this episode, Winrich Kolbe, calls
this the "kudzu" episode because science goes
crazy and does evil instead of good. Not unlike
kudzu. What? Yall don't know what kudzu is!
Even as I type, I am looking out my office window
at a big old mess of kudzu, the Japanese plant
brought to the American South sometime in the
1940's to stop erosion. Turns out kudzu LOVED
the American South, loved it so much it wants to
cover every damn inch of us with its harmless but
excitable vinery (most reminiscent of the Marvell
line: "my vegetable love should grow vaster than
empires"). It grows an inexorable six or seven
inches a night, but it still has a baffling
loveliness. Wouldn't that make a great Klingon
name! Captain Kudz'U! (Here you go: a nice
kudzu site:
http://www.alltel.net/~janthony/kudzu/)
49.The Ensigns of Command. Lots of plot, and,
amidst it, a mild attempt to establish Data as a
heterosexual. No one is really fooled. Oh, I
forgot to say that last week's episode marked the
. . . (wait for it) end of . . . PULASKI!!!
<HUGECECILBDEMILLECROWDWRITHESINECSTACY!!!) See,
the previous epsidoe opened up with a slow pan of
Ten Forward and then we see Jean-Luc sitting with
. . . BEV!!! Bev's back! And she says, "Hi,
Jean-Luc, yes, I'm back, replacing that horrible
Pulaski." "Well, Bev," he intones, "that's a
relief for me, but even more for our studio
audience." "Sure enough, Jean-Luc. No more will
their ears be assaulted by her
fingernails-on-chalkboard voice." "Nor their
eyes by her scary ropy face! Huzzah! Guinan,
General Mills International Moment Coffees all
around. And," Jean-Luc stands up, "I think I'll
lead us all in a song of gratitude: <sings> *O
come all ye tykes that ply the brine . . .* Join
in everybody!" etc. etc.
50.The Survivors. Or Watch Out For Kevin! Kevin
Uxbridge is a strange superpower who slaughters
an entire planet of 56 hundred booboozillion
souls. Kevin is not my idea of the right name
for someone who would do that. Kevin is a pretty
small hovering mouse-like name, really. I am
KEVIN, destroyer of worlds. Kevin. What an odd
choice. Kevin. No slash. Riker gets trapped in
a thing and has to hang upside down is about it.
Otherwise, no nothing. Kevin.
51. Who Watches the Watchers? Old-timey Vulcans
have a toe-tapping hoe-down (much to Starfleet's
amusement; see, Starfleet is observing this crowd
much as you and I might play with our ant farms).
Things turn ugly when . . . something happens.
The old-timey Vulcans think Jean-Luc is God (a
reasonable assumption) and Riker and Deanna have
to disguise themselves as old-timey Vulcans, and
then Jean-Luc gets shot in the arm. Thus proving
there is no God. Sort of.
52. The Bonding. There's a kid and his parents
are dead. Deanna says: well, I'll be up there
terrectly to talk to you. So: is it any wonder
that aliens use this poor abandoned little kid as
a conduit to the Enterprise? Most unsexy. Worf
seems to figure in it. Plot, plot, plot.
53. Booby Trap. Featuring Leila Brahams in the
title role (raucous strip music and cheers).
This is a Geordi episode. He solves an
engineering problem and doesn't get laid.
Meanwhile, Data (who at times has a weird but
unmistakable resemblance to the central figure in
Botticelli's "Birth of Venus") just stands around
waiting. Sad really.
54. The Enemy. The ep that proves there are no
heterosexuals in foxholes.
55. The Price. Deanna downgrades her choice in
men from Riker to Deivoni Ral, who gives her a
foot massage on screen! To quote George C. Scott
in "Hard Core": *Turn it off, turn it off!* Matt
McCoy (who has a real gift for slimy creations)
plays Deivoni. He's done some curious things in
his career: he was in the 90's greatest movie
"L.A. Confidential" as the slimy TV cop based on
Jack Vincennes (Kevin Spacey's character).
(Wouldn't Kevin Spacey make a great Mizarian! I
love Kevin Spacey! And, apropos de rien,
wouldn't Christopher Walken make the GREATEST
KLINGON in Federation history!) Since "L.A.
Confidential" also featured the faboo James
Cromwell (I love James Cromwell too!!!), I think
Curtis Hanson, the director of LAC, has a little
hard-on for Star Trek; he was the director for
"The Hand that Rocks the Cradle" which had Matt
McCoy (again) as Annabelle Sciorra's husband and
John deLancie as the gynecologist who molested
her. Yes. JdL was the gynecologist who molested
her: swooooooooooooooooonnn! What a sexy
sentence. Of course, the stupid whore turned him
in to the obgyn cops and poor Q had to shoot
himself. HORRIBLE, MOST HORRIBLE! Who here
hates that bitch Annabelle Sciorra! Aha, I
thought so! I always imagined an AU version of
"The Hand that Rocks The Cradle" where *she* dies
and JdL is set free to molest everybody and we
get to watch every bit of it! (And furthermore,
wouldn't Tommy Lee Jones make the SECOND GREATEST
KLINGON IN FEDERATION HISTORY! And because he's
Tommy Lee Jones of Harvard, he could play a
psychotic Klingon who recites Wallace Stevens and
T.S. Eliot as he psychoes around!!!! Wow!)
56. The Vengeance Factor. Featuring the Hunters,
a race of
Richard-Geres-thinking-about-that-first-gerbil,
and their enemies, the fat-Princess-Leia-like
Gatherers. Riker gets some from a blond
Gatherer, but then he finds out she's really old
and
so he shoots her. Dead. Ah. My. Well. But
she's OLD; what's his HURRY?
57. The Defector. Okay, a Romulan defects to the
Enterprise. He's kind of a interesting type,
slickly handsome with a gravelly voice. I
imagine that, back on Romulus, he's like a . . .
game show host or something, maybe the Romulan
Gene Rayburn, hunkered down over his hand-held
mike as he taunts the rube Romulan contestants.
The Romulan Bret Somers says, "A chandelier," the
Romulan Charles Nelson Reilly drawls, "American
cheese," and the Romulan audience goes wild.
Seems like our guy commits suicide. Being a
game show host is hard on Romulans. (Before that,
however, he and Bev swap phone numbers. Doesn't
she have the worst luck in men! Wow!)
58. The Hunted. Crazed Viet Nam vet ep: Military
killing machine is returned to Peacetime Planet
and he doesn't fit in. Unlike 90 per cent of all
deranged televison vets, he isn't played by
Martin Sheen, but it doesn't really matter. We
do get to see James "Babe" Cromwell in yet
another ST role. Jean-Luc is impudent to him.
(No one plays impudent in quite the
Heroic/Sophoclean way Sir Big-He P.S. does.)
59. The High Ground. Here revolutionaries kidnap
Bev. And then somehow kidnap JLP too. And some
others. Great Moment: it looks like curtains for
Our Gang so Bev crawls on over to Jean-Luc and
says, Jean-Luc, I want to talk to you about
something. And – brilliant – Satrick Ptewart had
been lying down but he does this ballet-level
leaping-jacknife sit-up, clearly indicating the
terror he feels over Bev confessing her messy
inconvenient love. One of the revolutionaries,
BTW, falls in love with Bev and does Police
IdentiKit drawings of her. Just like a woman:
she doesn't care if Che Guevara will take her to
the moon and back; it's Jean-Luc and Jean-Luc
only.
60. Deja Q. Q has loved his Johnny for some
time, but Jean-Luc doesn't fall in love with Q
til this ep. Oodles of hot stuff: Q naked and
"these aren't my colors" and Q spitting out the
phrase "little trained minions" at Data! Then Q
decides to commit suicide in a shuttlecraft, and
Riker, (oh beware the green-eyed monster, Will!)
wants to let Q die, but Jean-Luc stays his hand:
saying "I'd hate to waste a perfectly good
shuttlecraft." (Which is Startrek for "hitch me
to your buggy, Q, lemme ride you like a mule".)
A scene that didn't make it to the television
screen: Jean-Luc retires to his ready room and
there's a beep. "Come" he says. The door
whooshes open, and Riker is standing there. The
door closes. "Daddy, no," Riker says in a low
rough whisper. Jean-Luc lifts his elegant head:
"Boy doesn't tell Daddy no."
SWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNN.
61. A Matter of Perspective. Good evening and
welcome to Libra Theatre! Where all points of
view are valid! Hey, there's a scene in the
movie *Giant* where Rock Hudson, Sal Mineo, and
Earl Holliman are sitting around discussing
women. Prettttttttttty ironic. Something of the
same thing happens here when snippy Mister Apgar
(love that name), snippy court martialist Craig
Richard Nelson (he was the gay bridegroom in
Robert Altman's "The Wedding") and the always
ambivalent Will seem to accept Missus Apgar as
the epitome of hot-momma-ness. Since the plot
turns on the point that there's some truth to
everything, does this mean that when Missus Apgar
says "first Riker touched my quivering bazooms
and then he moved his fierce paw to his own love
stem and the next thing I know I was saying yes
and yes and . . ." she's telling it true? Hot
dog!
62. Yesterday's Enterprise. Champion bestest
episode of all time! See, Jean-Luc and them are
all messing about as they always do, and they go
through a temporal rift where they're twenty
years in the past and the Klingons are mopping
the floor with the Federation and it's kind of an
AU and everybody's nerves are on edge, and it's
really sexy, and Jean-Luc has to snarl at Riker
for being such a big freelance pussy. The
greatest
moment is one which repudiates all you TOS'ers
who say that Jean-Luc is a social worker and a
big femme and a girlycow that goes moomoo. At an
analogous climactic moment when Shatner just kind
of weaves around and says "Those Klingon bastards
killed my son", My Man leaps like Nijinsky off
the bridge, says to the Klingons who want him to
surrender "That will be the day, cocksuckers!"
and proceeds to machine-gun his way back to
"real" time. Words can do no justice to this ep.
63. The Offspring - trying to slash this episode
is hard because it's DATA'S DAUGHTER! She is so
cool! She looks like Snow White! (The casting
is perfect: Hallie Todd plays Lal and is totally
brilliant: did you all know in RL Hallie Todd is
the daughter of the actress who played Millie on
"The Dick Van Dyke"? She comes by her cunningness
naturally.) Meanwhile, she's a misfit! She
becomes a barmaid! She kisses Riker! (Rather
nicely done scene.) She dies! Or blows a fuse!
Or whatever! This is one of those great eps like
"Yesterday's Enterprise" where so many emotions
are present that one is left rather happily
drained. But no real sex.
64. Sins of the Father. Once in a while, I get a
spell of KRF (Klingon-Related Fatigue). This is
one of those times. Still, I rather like B'Etor
and Lursa. If only for their hot names.
Besides, I must say if I were a young, ambitious,
attractive actress and I offered my choice of
roles: Deanna, Vash, or a Duras Sister, I'd pick
Klingon in a second. That whole Deanna/Vash
thing is somebody else's strange fantasy, not
mine; Klingons are winners and that's IT for the
Klings. (See, just when you think you're through
with the Klingons, they give you a big
open-mouthed kiss and everything starts all over
again.)
65. Allegiance. Only the anti-Christ doesn't
love evil-twin stories! Here we double our
pleasure and double our fun with Jean-Luc's
alien-synthesized evil twin. This is the only ep
of TNG Mr. Sunbeam ever saw, so he thinks ALL
episodes of TNG are like this, i.e. that TNG is a
musical variety show hosted by Jean-Luc in Ten
Forward. "Tonight, the Next Generation Boys and
I want to sing *Minnie the Moocher* for all our
friends at home!" All that aside, JLP has never
looked foxier. And when the synthetic twin puts
limited moves on Bev, I stopped breathing. Oh,
yeah, Deanna's alleged "powers" are useless in
this episode too.
66. Captain's Holiday. I don't want to talk about
it. My therapy sessions are continuing nicely; I
am allowed two thirty-minute walks a day and one
hot bath a week. And, although I still have to
use plastic utensils when I eat, the doctor says
I'm doing much better. (Arrrrggggh; fifty of
television's most traumatic minutes. Haggard
Jennifer Hetrick creates a clone of Captain
Picard who then swanks about Risa in the most
amazing swimtrunks in American history while
things happen. Meanwhile, the unfilmed truth is
that the real Jean-Luc keeps his real holiday
aboard the Enterprise reading the Peter Pauper
edition of Marcus Aurelius. Hey, Jennifer turned
up about 1998 in an Oil of Old Age commercial
playing the MOTHER! Hahahaha! Sunbeam is
avenged!) (You can see an unbelievable picture of
Jean-Luc's swimtrunks on page 43 of the December
1999 issue of "Star Trek: The Extremely Expensive
Magazine"; that's the ish with Odo on the cover.
You will go *thud* when you see this photo.
"Star Trek: The Extremely Expensive Magazine"
knows its audience. In the December 2000 ish -
Sulu's on the cover - there's a fascinating
article on "Jim Kirk: A Man and His Ripped
Shirt!" They even include a pie chart in page 18
showing Jim Kirk: 15 percent eps bare chested,
7.5 percent eps ripped shirt, and 77.5 percent
eps fully clothed. See, you can see Kirk's
chest in 22.5 per cent of eps! Not bad odds.
Could be better. But not bad.)
67. Tin Man Nice title, and the name of the top
guest character is Tam Elbrun, which is a pretty
cool name too. This is a staple ST plot: we meet
an alien sentient intelligence and in order to .
. . uh, deal with it, we leave this week's guest
star with it as we zoom into next week, yeah,
that's the ticket! (i.e. "Corbomite Maneuver,"
"Metamorphoses", etc.)
68. Hollow Pursuits. TPTB fearlessly attack . .
. fan fiction! And mighty tepid fanfic it is.
The best part is Data, Cap, and Geordi as the
Three Musketeers. Brent, Lavar, and King PS
really throw themselves into it, and they look
FAB YOU LUSSSS!
69. The Most Toys. I once saw a fan letter
bitching about this ep: a gay man, it grumbled,
the only time we have an episode about a gay man,
he's evil and he kidnaps Data and wants him to
run around without clothes on. It took me a
while to realize that this was a "bad" thing. I
thought it sounded great!!! Face it, Internet:
which interests you more! Data saves a kitten,
or Data's kidnaped by an evil sodomite who wants
him naked? Oh, yeah, which one would you pay
GOOD MONEY to see? I don't think that being Evil
is bad. (I possibly need help.) Besides, it's
not clear that Kivas Fajo is gay; if anything, he
seems quite omnisexual. (I am very sure Fajo's
doing henchwoman Varria offscreen; she's Alice
Kramden to his Ralph.)
70. Sarek. If you don't love Mark Lenard, you
are invited to step outside now. (Really, the
nerve of some people.) Mark Lenard IS Sarek. He
is so handsome and stately and lovely and sexy,
and just think of all the hot babes he's had,
THREE wives!!!!, man, he just can't keep it in
his pants, can he!!!! Here (this is a cool
plot) he's got Vulcan Alzheimers and he's weeping
and boohooing and then the whole ship gets
infected and Wes and Geordi square off making
surly tiny sexual accusations at each other, etc.
etc., and Bev SOCKS Wes! Yay! Anyway, Cap has
to mindmeld with Sarek, which calms Sarek down
long enough to complete his diplomatic mission
and everyone lives happily ever after!!! (A
classically brilliant scene where Picard has to
let it all hang out with Sarek's memories: not
necessarily hot but pretty cool all the way
around.)
71. Menage a Troi - "Lwaxana Troi, you WILL be
mine." A darling little Ferengi gives that line
a wonderful reading. And there's naked Betazoids
just standing there, as if their nakedness
communicates something (odd, really) and Mr. Homm
is confused and Riker tries to kiss Deanna and
then he beats out those rhythms on a drum-like
deal, and the whole thing is mildly shameful,
both to watch and to have appeared in, is my
guess.
72. Transfigurations. Is the tale of a strange
alien with a wobbly face who gets named John Doe.
Well, I'm okay with that; remember *Se7en* where
Kevin Spacey played John Doe? Seems a sound
enough role. Rumor has it that both Bev and
Jean-Luc look on John Doe with lust in their
eyes. I myself notice that neither one can keep
their hands off him. I hate John's tight-white
jumpsuit, though; it's kind of a prototype for
Julian's terribly disturbing DS9 racquetball
suit.
73. The Best of Both Worlds I. Another seed of
smut for me: see, Riker and them find JLP's
clothes in a drawer. You know what that means?
It means he's naked somewhere. Naked. Or even
if not currently naked, he WAS naked. The suit
is neatly laid out. So he was carefully rendered
naked. The drawer is in a public corridor, not
off in a closet. So he was naked in public.
What a great idea! There's also a whore named
Shelby and she makes everybody's life a living
hell. And Riker decides to kill JLP, who had
turned into a Borg after getting naked.
end 03/07
Miss Sunbeam
Author: The Enigmatic Big Sunbeam
Code: TNG
Rating: R for Language and Suggestive Situations.
74. The Best of Both Worlds II. Fortunately
Riker doesn't kill Jean-Luc, so the Borgs get to
show some muscle until Borg Jean-Luc is captured
by us and put in a sort of vending machine-type
deal wearing only his Speedos. Why aren't these
vending machines everywhere! Happy ending.
SirKingWonderStewartPatrick acts his Speedos off!
75. Family. Jean-Luc goes back to "France" to
see the family. Cool thing: his sister-in-law is
Samantha Eggar! Remember her in "The Collector"
where Terence Stamp kidnaped her and kept her in
the basement and wanted to sleep with her but
never did? That movie was the ultimate in
sexiness ‘cause she died before they could do it!
Oh man! Another cool thing: there's a teeny
little visual quote from Maxfield Parrish at the
end of this episode. Ultimately, Jean-Luc has to
tearfully confess to his mean older brother
Robert what the Borg did to him. (Mean older
brothers are a Star Trek staple.) Seems the Borg
held him down and one Borg after another had its
evil metallic will with his flesh and after a
while he got to love it and now periodically he
craves semi-metal flesh penetrating his most
secret self, etc. And, since we were there with
him, we know what he's saying.
76. Brothers. Brent Spiner, Master Thespian! He
acts and acts and acts here! In three
distinctly different roles, so it is pretty damn
amazing. He's himself, his brother AND his
father. He's fun as his dad Noonian (although
Noonian seems to have visited the same makeup
counter as Jar Jar Binks), and, of course,
everybody loves him as mean older brother Lore,
that scary scary Lore. Subplot about (can you
dig it) mean older brothers - gee, that's
different!
77. Suddenly Human. "Death in Venice" for Cap.
Some boy (he's one hot-looking Tadzio) with his
pick of galactic sugar daddies keeps nuzzling
Jean-Luc. Jean-Luc is tempted, but, when the boy
stabs him, he wusses out and sends the boy back
to his prior Sugar Daddy. Rats. Best moment:
Jean-Luc telling Tadzio to turn his stereo down!
78. Remember Me. Wes is screwing around with
Time and Space down in the boiler room and makes
his mom's universe disappear. Actually, this is
a most disturbing ep: Bev's alleged universe keep
getting <PeeWee Herman voice> smaller and smaller
and smaller and just about everybody disappears.
She tries to take advantage of it to make a pass
at JLP but even HE disappears mid-pass. Hey,
thanks, Wes! It takes annelidan pederast
Traveler to straighten everything out. And Bev
doesn't even ground Wes!
79. Legacy. Suppose there was an episode that
featured Live Underwater Nude Wrestling with
Jean-Luc Picard! Don't you suppose the ratings
would just GO. THROUGH. THE. ROOF.
Paramount's timidity is so baffling. (The only
thing better would be Live Underwater Nude
Wrestling with Jean-Luc Picard: The Sweepstakes!
YOU Could Be a Winner!) This episode, alas, does
not feature live underwater nude wrestling with
anybody, not even live underwater nude
paramecium. It does have Tasha's Live Clothed
sister and she does betray Data, but that's
pretty colorless compared to Live Underwater Nude
Wrestling with Jean-Luc Picard.
80. Reunion: Is this the one about Worf's baby
brother, Kurn? Kurn. <smile> Kurn. Somebody
was having fun at Paramount that day. Well,
anyway, Jean-Luc replicates a roast turkey for
Kurn and Kurn (naturally) takes this as the most
grievous Klingon insult imaginable. What was
Jean-Luc thinking of! Et, apres le turkey,
things happen.
81. Future Imperfect. Riker goes into the
future! He has a son named Jean-Luc (Riker is a
desperately sick man!). He's married to a
hologram! Deanna gets a little gray in her hair!
(Betazoid Formula would clear that up.)
Jean-Luc (I guess now he's Big Jean-Luc, or
PawPaw Jean-Luc) wears the same kind of beard
that the Mayor of MunchkinLand wears! Turns out
none of this happened; another ep with no reason
to live!
82. Final Mission - Deranged loser takes Jean-Luc
and Wes for a ride in his Outer Space 1975 Orange
Pinto! They crash (natch!) in a desert, but
Jean-Luc the Fabulous sets about conquering the
elements pronto. You must see Jean-Luc in his
improvised French Foreign Legion hat.
Ooooooooooooooooooohh, he looks wonderful. Too
bad he nearly dies and only Wes is there to save
him. Doesn't matter. The main thing here is
Jean-Luc in his improvised French Foreign Legion
hat. Too beautiful for words. Sleek as a cat.
Hot as a coal. Meaningful as a promise.
83. The Loss: Does Deanna really have a job
description, or is she just the Captain's exotic
arm candy? Maybe she's part of some lend-lease
thing with the Betazoid government. Well,
anyway, in this ep, something happens and she
loses what little ability she has. I can't read
minds anymore, CAPTAN, she says, but she seems to
get her "powers" back at the end. Rilly.
84. Data's Day - a fluffy widdle episode about
Data's day! Just like a child's book, and
everybody is perfectly cute and well-behaved
(except for a naughty-faced Romulan girl
subplot). The main point is Miles and Keiko's
wedding; you can tell their marriage will end
with them clawing at each other eight years
later. Tonight, Keiko points out she must be
Irish too; after all, she's sleeping with a pig.
85. The Wounded. Tonight's Special Guests; Those
Wacky Cardassians. Although many fans have
commented on TPTB's obsession with
humanoid-looking aliens, these consistently
humanoid aliens don't particularly bother me.
Except for eyebrows. Aliens always seem to have
rococo and byzantine eyebrows. Hey, what makes
eyebrows an universal constant?
"Breathes there a race with souls so dead
they don't have eyebrows coming out of their
head?"
I mean, we humans probably have more in common
with ducks than, say, Klingons, but ducks don't
have eyebrows. Or do they? Well, anyhow,
leaving eyebrows out of it, the thing I want to
know is how come aliens are always so proud! And
sneering! I mean once in a while you see craven
aliens scurrying about, but those two extremes
are it: proud or craven, no in-between. Never a
pleasant game of cards; never aliens going to buy
alien patio furniture. No middle ground for the
aliens, nosireebob! So tonight, Colm Meaney is
cool, but mainly the Cardassians get haughty on
Starfleet's ass.
86. Devil's Due. A good ep!!!!! See, okay
(deepbreath) there's this sad little planet and
they're all reading copies of *Intergalactic Left
Behind* and they just know the end times are at
hand and a babe shows up and says, that's right,
it's the end times and I'm God! And the saps buy
that! (Losers!!!!!) Jean-Luc and them have to
persuade A WHOLE PLANET that she's not God. Ooh,
one night, the God gal sneaks into Jean-Luc's
bedroom and we get to see him strut his stuff
magnificently in his jammies! MMMmmmm. A nice
hot moment when she says *I know the nookie you
need* and turns into Deanna!!!!!!!!!! Awyeah!!!
For those of us into Klingon trivia, Feklh'r the
Klingon Satan turns up and growls at the
cameraman!
87. Clues. Tonight there's a lot of clues! I
actually find this ep sort of irritating.
Everybody seems a little out of character. *sigh*
Why are there no TNG's about, you know,
Moonies!? Or flubber! But no, we get this.
Things happen. Hey, wouldn't a website devoted
to weird symptoms be a great thing? It could be
like "Do You Have Leprosy! Take This Test and
See! Maybe It's the Bubonic Plague! Or Rabies!
Or Lockjaw! You Never Know What Those Strange
Symptoms Could Mean! Find Out Now!" Just think
of the billions in advertising this site would
make! I know I'd go there EVERY DAY! Just to be
sure! I seem to be drifting off-topic.
88. First Contact. Not the movie with James
"Babe of Babes" Cromwell, but the episode with
Caroline Seymour (who's spent too much time on
the intergalactic treadmill, but still cool) who
believes in aliens! Turn out she's right! They
exist! And . . . they're us!!! Us, I mean, we,
decide to postpone coming out of the alien closet
on this planet til the planet can handle it, but
we get a lovely parting gift in the personage of
Caroline Seymour herself! George Hearn (played a
great "Sweeney Todd" on HBO yeas ago) is a doctor
who tends to disguised-alien Riker. (For us
guttersnipes, there's a risque interlude with one
of those porn staples, the sultry
white-stockinged nurse; seems she wants a taste
of Riker's alien love-tool.)
89. Galaxy's Child. Star Trek's answer to Bambi!
They kill a gigantic space creature's momma and
the space creature begins to nurse the Enterprise
and steal its energy, and Geordi conjures up the
spirit of Leah Brahms (I think) and there's a
happy ending. Still, hurt-animal stories do a
number on me.
90. Night Terrors. Nobody's getting the sleep
they need and everybody is tired and cranky and
Bev is too tight-assed to give them the Valiums
and Percodans and Hycodan they so obviously need,
so the night-terror monsters come to life (rather
spookily) in sickbay to get Bev for being just
plain mean and unreasonable. Oh, and Deanna
pulls her weight for once and solves things.
91. Identity Crisis AKA Big Blue Geordi! He
turns blue! He has turquoise veins all over his
body. If you look close enough, you can see the
perfect copper coins of his nipples! And the
promising folds of his underarms! Pretty sexy,
for something with that color scheme. See, some
people who went on an away mission several years
before are all turning into these critters. And
thus our gang has to go over the records of that
mission to figure out what went on so they can
return Geordi to his original Geordiness.
There's something slightly unsettling in the way
they go over the records again and again, kinda
like the Zapruder film in a weird way.
92. The Nth Degree. Barclay eps are generally
pretty cute; this one is slightly less cute, but
it does kinda of attack the issue of Space
Tedium!!! Yes, it can be tedious in outer
space! That's okay, says Bev, we'll put on a
little play! Yup, the cold wind of Borg breath
is at our back, and we'll start a community
theatre! And Barclay takes over the known
universe until he doesn't anymore.
93. Qpid: despite the depressing presence of . .
. VASH, she-who-rimes-with-trash, this is pretty
hot. And probably as close to canon slash as TNG
will get. Jean-Luc puts on his jammies and gets
in bed and Q appears on the bed with him. Q
says, "she makes you . .. small" (fabulous
significant emphasis). Q says, "I didn't know
she'd have *that* sort of effect on you." Q
says, "I wish I'd come to you as a woman." Then
he has the effrontery to steal Vash and take her
away. (Q really doesn't want her; if he turns
his head, he can't remember her spiky features,
but he doesn't want her to lure Jean-Luc into her
fatuous traps any further.) Great costumes in
the allegedly-comic Robin Hood subplot. Jean-Luc
wears tights, and no one in the history of the
world wears tights as well as he does (I'll give
Vash this: Jean-Luc dresses hot when she's
around). Q looks real sharp too as the Sheriff
of Nottingham, and they are both so beautiful and
alluring and they send so many melting glances
towards each other. Why Does Vash Live? Why
Does Vash Live At all? What Is God Thinking of?
94. The Drumhead. Another courtroom show.
Notice how cheap they are: get some ham actors
and some tables and a big bunch of script and go
to town. This mess all begins with a guy with
bat-like ears who says his grandmaw is a Vulcan
but really she's a Romulan. His Royal
Shakespeare Majesty PeeEss gets to act and act
and act, but there's a little more script than
there ought to be.
95. Half a Life features the guy with the popular
designs on his head. How popular are these
designs? Well, down where I am, all the
hillbillies I know have these very same designs
airbrushed on the hoods of their Pontiac
Trans-Ams. This doesn't help tonight's guest
star at all. Seems Lwaxana's in love with him
and he commits suicide. Oh. (We get to see her
call Worf Woof for the first time – Dorn coulda
stopped that if he'd piddled on her leg just
once).
96. The Host. The Trill ep. This is great but
confused. Great because a woman comes on to Bev!
Great because Bev does the wild thing with Riker
(when he's possessed by the Trill)! Great
because Riker nearly dies! Confused because the
initial Trill Bev falls for, is, sigh, not an
attractive piece of manflesh. Confused because
the Trill inside the unattractive piece of
manflesh is even less attractive -- it looks like
a cow's stomach! Confused because Bev says to
herself: I'll just put this cow stomach inside
Riker and that way we can have sex! Get this
woman a "Good Vibrations" catalogue quick!
97. The Mind's Eye. Filmed in Fabulous
GeordiVISION! All right, let's all leave aside
the smut and live up to our i.q.'s and talk
about BIG SMART STUFF for a second. So why
didn't Noonian Soong program Data with
visual-filtering programs? I mean, Adobe can do
it; they can take a picture of your cat Fluffy
and make it contrasty or pencil-ly or
water-color-y or sepia-toned or done in weird
complementary Andy-Warhol-like colors and just
overall make the Fluffmeister look too cool!!!
So why can't Data adjust his vision to something
a little out of the ordinary? (And his vision
must be ordinary: think about his paintings).
Can you imagine watching TNG one night and *poof*
there's a pointillist Worf! <BEAM!> Too great
an idea!
98. In Theory. I wonder why there's not more
fanfic about Jenna D'Sora. She's perky and
blonde! And way hot to trot! (It's pretty clear
she and Data do it that night on the sofa.) But,
alas, Data understands love no better than any of
us, and Jenna is elected mayoress of Lonelytown
once again. We also get far too much information
about Miles' dirty socks.
99. Redemption. B'Etor (or is it Lursa) makes
moves on Cap. Pretty steamy, if you ask me.
"Let me reheat your Earl Grey," she breathes. "My
goodness, what a huge teacup!" There's also a
lot of Klingon rodomontade, Gowron gets to Gowron
around, and, right after he hands in his
commission, Worf is elected Homecoming King of
the Enterprise Harvest Ball.
end 04/07
Miss Sunbeam
Author: The Enigmatic Big Sunbeam
Code: TNG
Rating: R for Language and Suggestive Situations.
100. Redemption II. Now Lursa (or is it B'Etor)
turns her dark and mighty attentions to Worf.
Worf looks absolutely stunning in Klingon drag,
but there's just so much plot, and it's all
Klingon plot. Seems like Gowron and Jean-Luc
start dating during this episode.
101. Darmok. *sigh* A noisy episode. Don't
aliens ever go to the mall or stand on the porch
and scratch themselves the way we do down here?
Why must they always have inexplicable
intergalactic agendas? Captain Dathan (for it is
he) is not the cutest thing under the sun, but he
and Jean-Luc bond. Sort of. Then he dies.
Jean-Luc wears a very nice-looking jacket.
102.Ensign Ro. Fresh meat Ro Laren boards the
Enterprise and Riker is jealous of her bewitching
hold on JLP. Still, bewitching tho' she is,
she's a Bajoran, and thus hard to whip up any
interest about. See, I bitch and moan about
aliens being too damn alien and along comes a
species that's all too human and what do I do? I
GET BORED! Because I am heavy bored by Bajorans.
And you know why? Because they don't have one
single characteristic! The two main Bajorans we
know, Ro and Kira, are victims with spitfire
personalities; well, that HARDLY makes sense. To
tell the truth, a great deal of my life is spent
trying to think of amusing japes to put smiles of
the faces of you, yes, you, the rhapsodic rainbow
of lovely ladies who make up ASCEM. So I was
going to tease you with the idea of a Bajoran
teevee show. But what would it be? A Bajoran
‘Bonanza'? A Bajoran ‘60 Minutes'? A Bajoran
‘Lamp Unto My Feet'? See how utterly plausible
those are? Bajorans are as boring as humans!
(Contrast this with my other offering: the
Klingon Andy Griffith show! Does that not rock!
The Klingon Gomer! The Klingon Gooper! The
Klingon Barney! The Klingon Floyd the Barber!
And, of course, the Klingon Aunt Bee!!!! Or
would it be Aunt Be'E!) That being said, I
loovvve Ro; she is so gorgeous. And I love (a
little more mutedly, but still) Kira. And I
especially love the plump-armed tender-voiced Kai
Ratched as so enchantingly embodied by Louise
Fletcher. *sigh* There's probably a point here,
but I don't know what it is.
103. Silicon Avatar. Great title. Riker chases
a woman. And, *NO*, she did not have plastic
surgery and thus get nicknamed the Silicon
Avatar. Now get your minds out of the gutter.
104. Disaster. You have shows for weeks where
nothing happens and then there's something like
this and everything happens: Data accuses Riker
of wanting his body! Keiko goes into labor in
Ten Forward! Worf says to her *you may deliver*
(Calling Dr. Klingon! Calling Dr. Klingon!) And
Jean-Luc is trapped with (the horror the horror)
THREE child actors!
105.The Game. THIS IS THE MOMENT, to paraphrase
that song from Jekyll and Hyde. Because this is
when I first realized hot sex could happen on
TNG. Worf and Will are holding Wes's knees apart
and Jean-Luc is leaning over him, readying him to
play their wicked little game. Which involves
things with large heads popping up following by
the soft orgasmic sigh of the players. I was
taping this show, and, as I watched it, my eyes
literally jumped out of my head and walked around
the room trembling. I could not believe it: I
was staring in the heart of sexness, damp and
breathless. That JLP didn't actually pull it out
and make Wes take it like the little bitch he is
. . . is just irrelevant! No surprise that the
lush and pneumatic Ashley Judd was hovering on
the perimeter.
106. Unification I. Whoa! Brilliant bedroom
scene between Jean-Luc and Data. Data's got his
back turned to Jean-Luc and keeps rather
insistently peeking back at JLP over his
shoulder. Jean-Luc tosses and turns, aware that
Data's heated gaze is upon him. You say: so
what? Well, just imagine this scene were in a
James Purdy novel. See? Wow! Jean-Luc is on
the verge of inviting Data into the bed with him
when something happens. Bev also changes
Jean-Luc and Data into Vulcans (PEEEEEE-ESSSSS is
the cutest Romulan imaginable: just gorgeous)
(and Data's not bad either). (Bow down to
Sunbeam! After all, I own both Playmate action
figures: Vulcan JLP and Vulcan Data!) To add to
your store of useless information, the Klingon
captain of the sex-vessel they ride in is played
by Stephen D. Root. I love Stephen D. Root: he
was the weird blind disk jockey in "O Brother
Where Art Thou". An amazing performance: his
line readings there are the freshest ever. But
of course I loved that whole movie: three hot boy
prisoners in a Southern prison get out and form a
bluegrass band! Delightful premise. Homoerotic
tensions abound in "O Brother" too; my considered
opinion is that Delmar was Pete's punk back at
Parchman Farm. Yall rent the movie and tell me
what you think.
107.Unification II - Okay, our boys get to
Romulus. Sela seethes around, and Pardek's there
too, looking like a Surinam toad. Lot of
double-crossing. I had some hopes that the cute
Romulan would turn out to be their Gorbachev and
things might get interesting on Romulus: no luck.
But the main thing is SPOCK!!!! According to
gossip, the goon TPTB producers felt Nimoy played
Spock as too zoned out. Well, screw ‘em!
Clearly, Spock and Kirk have had a terrible
falling out; Kirk's gone off and married Antonia
but, before he and Spock could make up (the
fondest wish of each of them), Jim's killed on
the Enterprise B, and Spock tries to channel his
enormous grief into patching up things with the
Romulans. The mood he radiates to me is best
summed up in "Monody", a poem by Herman Melville
about Nathaniel Hawthorne:
To have known him, to have loved him
after loneness long;
And then to be estranged in life,
And neither in the wrong;
and now for death to set his seal –
Ease me, a little ease, my song.
*sigh* and neither Jean-Luc nor Data, fresh as
they are, can replace his ineffable Jim.
108. A Matter of Time Okay, there's this guy,
see, and he says he's from the future and he's
doing a random sampling of the past and he wants
everybody to fill out questionnaires (to which
Worf says: "I HATE QUESTIONNAIRES" thus restoring
everybody's faith in his Klingonness). Max
Headroom plays the guy and he's pretty animated,
so that's okay. Jean-Luc tries to taunt him into
revealing the future and he won't and then Max
and Bev have a elephantine courtship and it turns
out he's not from the future, but the past!
Well! My word! Data has some cute moments;
Monsieur Headroom wants to take Data back to his
world as a sort of living souvenir, much as you
or I might take a cutting from the begonias in
the parking lot of Graceland.
109. New Ground. The camera swoops down on
double doors which open and reveal Worf standing
there in a lovely creation. "Welcome to this
Week's Klingon Playhouse!" he intones. Tonight
Worf goes all wussy when his foster momma brings
back Alexander. Alexander steals a lizard (I
think) and is ratted out by his schoolteacher and
then the schoolroom catches on fire and Brent
Spiner tries to pretend that he is lifting an
amazingly heavy beam and does not, despite his
enormous theatrical gifts, convince us. Well,
looks like Alexander is here for keeps. I bet
Jean-Luc LOVES that.
110. Hero Worship. Another one of those ABC
Afternoon Specials where Data saves a kitten.
It's a perfectly nice episode: Data paints, Brent
acts, Enterprise zooms. But I have to quote
Mystery Science Theatre 3K: is this touching? Or
boring?
111. Violations: Riker rapes Deanna!!!! Worth
it, worth everything just to see Riker rape
Deanna! Why have a monstrous piece of manflesh
like Frakes around if he's not going to get some
action! Turns out it's all a dream. Or
something. Hey, Jean-Luc puts on a hairpiece and
floats around Jack Crusher's body. Are the
ship's stores contaminated with ergot? Nope,
it's just the Ullians, that fun-loving
brain-wavin race who have calamari glued to their
temples. A most amusing people: when they aren't
imagining having other people having sex (hey,
wait a minute!) they wear Family Dollar mops on
their head! JLP's hairpiece much more plausible;
odd, though, how the hair diminishes his
handsomeness. His beauty is as pared down as
that of the pyramids, and they certainly don't
need toupees.
112. The Masterpiece Society Moody lethargic
master race has their own planet. Deanna fools
around with one of them, and Ron Canada is the
other one. Canada played Iago to Lord High Pee
S's Othello in that strange color-reversed
*Othello* a few years ago. I think that version
of *Othello* is boiling up on the surface here;
among other things, Jean-Luc is furious with
Deanna for shacking up with the other guy. You
little whore, he seems to say, I can't leave you
alone for five minutes without your giving it up
for the mailman and the mailman's dog. Then he
snarls, take down those panties, bitch, Admiral
Spanky is docking here tonight. *Sigh* That one
scene makes this a reasonably nice ep.
113. Conundrum. Oh, no! An episode with MPD!
The Three Faces of Ep! A) It's a comedy! Uh-oh!
Those zany Enterprisians have all got amnesia!
Jean-Luc thinks he's Riker, Worf thinks he's
Jean-Luc, and Data becomes the new Guinan! B)
It's a rompdeelyicious sexfest when outer space's
sultriest lustbabes come up in Riker's lovepad
two at a time! C) It's a searing indictment of
man's inhumanity to man when the crafty Sataarans
enlist the forgetful Enterprise crew into
slaughtering the Lysians! A deeply strange
episode. Oh, I love this though: see, the crafty
Sataarans plant a faux first-officer who lures
the crew into his scheme. He fools everybody
too! You know why! Because he embodies the two
basic characteristics of many first officers -
he's both Doughy and Wooden (Rikerwiker,
Chakotay, and Al Gore: Doughty Yet Wooden.
Wooden yet Doughy).
114. Power Play. Where's Colm Meaney's
Oscar!!!!!! What a great actor! Okay, he's no
Big Lord HimalayaKing Stewart Patrick, but he's
still great. In this one, evil lightning bugs
take over the souls of Colm, Deanna, and Data
and make them mean. Gotta say: Colm, Deanna, and
Data are satisfactorily mean. They make
everybody go to Ten Forward where Colm is
particularly menacing! But brutal as those
lightning bugs are, they are essentially . . .
lightning bugs and about that bright. Jean-Luc
talks them into flying away. Jeez, Jean-Luc,
how hard can it be to outwit lightning bugs!
115. Ethics. Worf dies. See, he's messing
around down in the storeroom and a big old can of
elements falls right on top of him. This
paralyzes him and he has to wear shiny fab
Pajamas of the Future and he decides to kill
himself because he's paralyzed and . . .
something happens, I forget exactly what, but it
doesn't really matter, because, even though he
dies, he still snaps out of it!!! Seems Klingons
have redundant anatomies! Dog my cats! Is that
handy or what! Worf does have an extremely
slashy moment when Riker comes to say good-bye,
Riker whispering that he's going to miss the
thundering beef of Worf's big one and he doesn't
know what he'll do now (probably just become the
most prized boy whore on Deep Space Umpteen --
where a wandering Klingon sings, *Riker, you're a
fine girl, what a good wife you'd be, but my
life, my love, my lady is the Klingon homeworld
dootdootdootenydoot*), and then Deanna comes in
and seconds those emotions. But since Worf snaps
out of it completely, there was
really no point to this episode WHATSOEVER!
116. The Outcast. It fries my doughnuts in the
worst way when TPTB decide that, if the audience
wants gay action, we'll give them gay action, but
it will be in the form of WOMEN ON WOMEN. Oh,
for God's sake, ALL I WANT TO SEE IS BIG
HOLLYWOOD MOVIE STARS GET THAT BITCH THANG GOING
ON (BUT ONLY IF THEY ARE MEN.) DS9 was the worst
with all its so-called lesbo eps. Yawnoovius.
Boring Soren and Riker have an unhappy ending in
that Riker doesn't get to spend the rest of his
life with this piece of cellophane.
117. Cause and Effect. Foxy ep. Ship blows up
every twelve minutes. Bev looks at a plant.
Boom! The usual gang plays poker. Bang!
Jean-Luc leafs through a book! Crash! Through
the crafty science of script writing, they
finally figure out they're going to blow up.
Yeah, the end is near and nobody rushes to get
laid! What the hell does Starfleet put in its
food! Collision! Happy ending! Kerblooey!
118. The First Duty. Wes screws up and it's
supposed to be a big deal. All the Sunbeam clan
love it when Boothby says: "Jean-Luc, what
happened to your hair?" (I bet we still say this
to each other about twice a month). Also, we get
introduced to the prototype of Tom Paris, Nick
Locarno (I always thought that Robert Duncan
McNeill had a fugitive resemblance to Lee Harvey
Oswald). (Odd. Now that I think about it, Ed
Lauter plays a dead guy's father in this ep and I
always associate Ed Lauter with Lee Harvey Oswald
too! Ed starred in "Executive Action", about
JFK's assassination; old Ed was the REAL
assassin, the one over at the grassy knoll). (Of
course, I'm probably influenced by the fact that
Robert Duncan McNeil and Lee Harvey Oswald both
have three names. Then again, I don't confuse
with them with David Lee Roth. Or Pliny The
Elder.)
119. Cost of Living. Horrid Lwxanna ep. First
off, there seems to be an attempt at "fun" on the
holodeck with a liberated colony of free-living
1950's Big Sur types. Shudder. It's the kind of
"prepackaged" fun of a Chuckie Cheese. Then
Lwaxana keeps threatening to doff her duds! The
horror! The horror! She also gets in a hottub
with Worf and Alexander and some others: what is
the point of this grim scene? Lwaxana's mere
presence has the weirdest dampening effect on
everybody's sexuality. Flaccid hot tub scene,
listless nudity. BTW, if Riker were to attempt
that whole hot tub/naked dancing thing with
Alexander, Congress would be passing "Alexander's
Law" quick as bugs. Sexism, pure and simple.
120. The Perfect Mate. First ep of any Star Trek
I ever saw. (Ah, I remember it well; I was in an
Atlanta hotel on a rainy Saturday in August 1992,
and I immediately knew most of the characters
liked it on their knees.) There's an incredibly
sexy scene the night before JLP has to give
Kamala up to the weird tribal king she was
intended for. It's clear she wants it, he wants
it, but they can't have it. Odd that fandom
hasn't played with this very much. And the
shocking thing is that she's not inappropriate
for him! Unlike Jenice and Vash and Phillipa,
she doesn't repel! She seems pretty cool. Sure,
Bev's steamed but as much by the implicit
prostitution of the situation scene as anything
else. (My theory about that night together is
that Jean-Luc and Kamala play teen games: we
won't go ALL THE WAY. So there's ooooodles of
hot tongue action and finger play and alternate
but nonetheless effective orifice usage. No cell
of the other's body is left unstimulated.
Jean-Luc can barely walk and his skin is
surprisingly chafed and tender. Kamala made it
clear to him even as he plunged helplessly for
the last time into her amazingly tender
alternate-nether flesh that she would fulfill her
duty of marrying the little alien guy in the
leopardskin pillbox box. Jean-Luc mournfully
accepts this.) At one point, Kamala even gets
Riker all hot and bothered, so he says he's going
on up to the holodeck. Does that mean the
holodeck is a universally accepted jerk-off
joint? And what fantasy would Riker unspool? (I
think it's the one where holograms of Data and
Wesley play panty-free French maids to Riker's
home-from-the-jungle big-game hunter, but what do
I know?)
121. Imaginary Friend. Little girl with
imaginary friend fools around in botany port.
Jean-Luc gets dad-like and says don't make me
come down there. She does. He does. Imaginary
playmate is evil. Well, that's different.
122. I, Borg. I got to hand it to
Viacom/Paramount: Hugh Borg is a hottie! And he
loves Geordi, so that's doubly sweet. Mechanical
men (Data, Hugh) must be kinda like kittens; they
intuitively gravitate to those who will take good
care of them (Geordi).
123. The Next Phase. Geordi and Ro die! Aw, too
bad! Life goes on. Riker plays the trombone.
I am not aware of a sexual subtext to the death
or the trombone (though it seems as if there
should be). Oh, yeah, they don't really die.
They just seem dead. You're telling me. And
there's Romulans too.
124. The Inner Light. The Feel-good Jean-Luc
Movie of the Year! Mainly, Jean-Luc meets a
woman worthy of him, Aline of Ressika! He loves
her and he loves her brand of stew. Suspicious
JLP (taking a big spoonful): it's . . .
delicious. Aline (dimple, beam, dimple): You
always say that! Too bad everybody dies in the
end, including the toddlers. PeeEssoovius has a
buhrilliant moment at the end: see, he's been
brainnapped to live a lifetime on this dead
planet but he finally snaps out it and finds
himself back where he started from, on Ye Olde
Enterprise with Riker at his knee. The look Sir
Pee gives Frakes when he tries to orient himself
is just . . .so, so <sobsobsob>. . . real. *SIGH*
125. Time's Arrow I. Didn't I tell you that Mark
Twain character was optimumly irritating!
Honestly! I still like Whoopi kinda of swanking
about the 1890's. But that other guy doesn't
seem very Jack-London-y. (FYI, Jack London was a
commie.) And I hate the bum at the start who
gives Data bum hints; clearly a creepy
community-theater actor, he generates a whole
forcefield of inauthenticity that threatens to
topple our whole suspension of disbelief. Oh,
yeah, the plot concerns Data's detached head and
a race of people genetically kin to Bug-Zappers.
end 05/07
Miss Sunbeam
Author: The Enigmatic Big Sunbeam
Code: TNG
Rating: R for Language and Suggestive Situations.
126. Times Arrow II: Okay, all the Bug-Zapper
people lose; well, good, and then Jean-Luc helps
Guinan out. He and Whoopi really stir up some
smoldering heat, very alluring and attractive as
they talk and she rests against him. Jean-Luc
has a nice voice, did you all notice that?
<sweatsweatpantpanteyesoutonstemseyesoutonstems>
127. Realm of Fear. "Hello, I'm Boris Karloff as
played by Jean-Luc Picard, and I'd like to
welcome you to tonight's episode. It's called
Realm of Terror, and it's a real THRILLLLLLUH".
More Barclay. Barclay's such a nell he doesn't
like to ride transporters, but they make him
anyway. Anyway, while he's being transported, he
find himself in the transporter with a . . .
tobacco worm! Then there's plot. But not the
plot there oughta be! Yeah, in the plot there
oughta be , Barclay calmly disembarks from the
transporter. The next day two waiters in Ten
Forward discuss the puzzling disappearance of all
the lettuce from the salad bar. Barclay becomes
wigglier over the next few days. His skin is
strangely shiny, too. Then one night Deanna
hears a slither at her door. Then it whooshes
opens and she hears something shout "Counselor
Troi, you are MIIIINNNNNE" and sees coming
towards her a giant . . . Meanwhile, one of the
kids from the schoolroom finds a little tiny
creature with a familiar face who keeps saying,
"HELP MEEE HELP MEEEE". In the real plot, notice
how at the very end, Colm Meaney actually has
none-to-little screen time with his alleged "pet"
tarantula.
128. Man of the People. Great sex scene: Riker
goes over to Deanna's room and she answers the
door and she's dressed the sluttiest ever! Even
down to the visible-under-her-low-cut-top
diamond-hard nipples (the only other Star Trek
erect nipples I ever saw were in First Contact
after Jean-Luc falls in the water, but you
probably knew that). Well, Riker's just tickled
pink. Until he spies the hot-looking young
ensign sitting on her bed. Who apologizes
profusely and scuttles out of there. And then
Deanna tells Will to cram it, bozo. Nipples!
Boring plot otherwise. Some guy does things.
Still: Nipples!
129. Relics. Hey, who peed in Geordi's
Wheaties?! What a grouch! Scotty finally has a
hair style for longer than a week! But it's only
because he gets stuck in a transporter for
seventy-five years! His iron hairdo reminds me
of the three great divisions of Trek.
A) Free of Hair Issues: Spock, Jean-Luc, Data,
Geordi.
B) Out of the Closet with their Hair Issues:
Scotty, Deanna, Worf, Chekov.
C) Deeply Closeted (and Hence Deeply Troubled by)
Hair Issues: Kirk, McCoy, Beverly, Riker.
Hey, notice the look JLP gives Scotty when Scotty
gets all old and profound and says, "It's like
the first time you fall in love. You don't ever
love a woman quite like that again." Wonder what
Cap's thinking of? <smilegrinhehhehheh> Or WHO
he's thinking of?
130. Schisms. Ewoks from the Fifth Dimension
capture Riker and Worf and some others and tape
measure them. I like to think they might have
done some erotic probing as well, but the
blushing camera turns away from that revelation.
A great scene: Worf gets his hair cut by Mr.
Mott, Bolian Barber! It turns out Mr. Mott TOOK
TOO MUCH OFF THE TOP last time. Needless to say,
one shouldn't do that with a Klingon. You need
to see that scene.
131. True Q. Unheard of! Boring Q ep, mainly
because it doesn't focus on Q or Jean-Luc, but on
a teen Q who has a crush on Riker. So sad. So
what do girl Qs do? They generate puppies and
gazebos and Rikers in illfitting top hats
(Riker's top hat crucifies him, frankly.) But
our Q, the really truly true Q, has a nice moment
or two: when he hugs Jean-Luc and Jean-Luc feigns
indifference (Riker's watching). Also, Jean-Luc
makes one of his big Jean-Luc speeches about . .
. life or something, and Q is SO exasperated. No
one can act irritatedly exasperated the way John
deLancie can. Astonishing.
132. Rascals. Now this is a hell of a show.
*Something* happens and Jean-Luc, Ro, Guinan, and
Keiko are made into twelve-year-olds. Amazing
performance by the brilliant Colm Meaney when he
realizes that he's married to a twelve-year-old.
He's Just. So. Irish. Cringing! Making the
sign of the cross! He KNOWS he's going to hell
for this one! Rockin! I rather like the young
Jean-Luc as well. Telling the Ferengis that
Riker's his Number One Dad! You really need to
see this one.
133. Fistful of Datas. Mixed reviews from
everybody on this ep, from everybody but ME, who
thinks it is good to the last drop! Holodeck is
running a cowboy program for Worf and Alexander
and it screws up and everybody turns into Data,
who gets to be about seven different cowpokes and
one busty lusty saloon-gal who tries to lure Worf
into a shoot-out at her okay corral. Data the
hot drag queen! Does that rule! Then to pile
Pelion on Ossa, Deanna turns up smoking
cigarillos and wearing the universe's tightest
shirt. Wonderful in every way.
134. The Quality of Life. Pouty scientist Ms.
Farralon makes these little George Foreman grills
that can think. Data weighs their importance in
the balance and finds them equal to Jean-Luc. So,
when they get into one of those foolish ST
positions where Data alone must choose who lives
and who dies, Jean-Luc's goose appears cooked.
Mizz Farralon care she nought, and the rest of
the crew is . . . thoughtful. Honestly. I hope
Jean-Luc turns Data over his knee after the
cameraman goes home.
135. Chain of Command, pt. I. This is what Mary
Ellen Curtin calls a "booster plot", i.e. not a
real plot, but a formative pretext for the next
part where JLP lets the ACTING DAWGS OUT! In
this part, Bev, Worf, and JLP wear beatnik
clothes and visit the Cardassian Rock City. Then
JLP gets captured by David Warner and it turns v.
serious.
136.Chain of Command pt. II: In the continuation,
Jean-Luc plays Leonardo diCaprio to David
Warner's (reg. TM) David-Warner-Character, i.e.
David Warner ties Jean-Luc up with his hands
pulled above his head and threatens him. Still,
I like David Warner, and there's a happy ending.
Worm-eating alert! Man, Jean-Luc is STARVED!
(Actually, this is a very disturbing episode all
about man's indomitable spirit, but mostly our
attention is drawn to JLP's naked body, so, under
the circumstances, man's indomitable spirit
pretty much flies out the window.)
137. Ship in a Bottle. More Moriarty! Yes, the
Arkansas Love-Bug Returns! Kind of a
Jorge-Luis-Borges moment at the end when Jean-Luc
says, "well, what if, say, WE on board the
Enterprise here were just a little program in a
little box on a little coffee table for the
entertainment of unknown giants." And then the
camera shuts down, but Jean-Luc goes on saying,
"and suppose the script were kinda sorry and
focuses on the guest stars instead of the real
stars, like me, LordSirBrave Pat Stewartness,"
and Data peeks around the camera, "or me, Brent
Spiner," and here comes Riker, "Or me!" Yeah,
and what if the script is lame and everybody's
conscious that it's lame: so if you're conscious
that it's lame, well, how about that? Is it
still lame? All too labyrinthine for Saturday
night in my opinion. SEX! JUST GIVE US SEX!!!
138. Aquiel. The dog did it! The dog did it!
And there's DNA everywhere! You don't really
want to know much about this episode, nor is
there much to know. I think Geordi gets some,
but it's hard to care.
139. Face of the Enemy. TNG bows to the demands
of Martina's agent and gives her an ep. See, she
gets surgically altered into a Romulan and she
gets to Romul all over the place. But do you
know why this episode is important? <blushblush>
Because this is he first time Worf wears his . .
. ponytail. I had to be sedated when I saw this.
Sexy doesn't even begin to describe the effect
Worf's long hair had on me.
140. Tapestry. Jean-Luc In Bed With Q!!!!! Hot
Voolyvoo coochez avec moi Action! When I saw the
slomo reveal of Jean-luc lying in bed with Q, I
said, naw, they won't go there. BUT THEY DID.
Boring subplot of Jean-Luc's life story (shacks
up with a teenaged girl and makes her miserable;
is also revealed to be a coward). Happy ending.
I guess. In that Jean-Luc ends up in the
conference room swapping deadly pussy yarns with
Riker.) I think the real plot is the Pillsbury
Act-Off between deLancie and HisHolyActornessPS.
Gotta say: Big John wins this one hands-down.
141. Birthright I. Data has the cutest dream
about Noonian Soong! Who is a real dreamboat
here! There's also a convoluted subplot abut
Worf's father, the beautifully monickered Mogh!,
and whether or not Mogh Lives! James "I'm a Pig
for Your Love" Cromwell turns up in a thin candy
shell of latex makeup to taunt Worf that his
father is alive (big Klingon insult: snarl! Your
father's not dead! Ahahahahaha. *sigh* Those
Klingons!) Worf has to go investigate!
142. Birthright II. Seems like Mogh is dead!
Mogh was dead all along! Abientot, Mogh! But
it's okay: Worf gets laid by a gal who's
half-Vulcan and half-Romulan. She looks like she
has persistent migraines. IMHO, Worf's too good
for her. At the end, some pretty Klingon boys
come back with Worf to the Enterprise. Riker and
Jean-Luc lift their eyebrows over this. Fresh
meat, they seem to say.
143. Starship Mine. Jean-Luc wear a hot little
outfit. Low cut. With jodhpurs. And he roams
around the ship all on his own except for some
pointless bad guys (these are apparently the same
ones from Gambit: they have, you know, shoelaces
in their noses and clothespins for ears and hair
made from chains and upholstery for clothes and
crap like that.) Jean-Luc defeats them all
without even breathing heavy. Don't worry,
Johnny, we'll do the heavy breathing for you.
144. Lessons. Jean-Luc gets some from a woman.
This is actually rather less engaging that it
seems. Although it's a well meaning ep. Best
scene: him and her rehearse some music together
in a Jeffries tube and Geordi and Data crawl
around trying to find out the source of the music
and then the music stops and Geordi and Data
shrug. Reason the music stopped: you have to
ask! C'mon! Grow up!
145. The Chase. Dr. "Chickenhawk" Galen,
Jean-Luc's first lover back at the Academy, comes
back to Jean-Luc and expects him to put out. No
dice, says Jean-Luc, he has cuter fish to fry
(casts a meaningful look at Riker). Chickenhawk
goes off in a snit (or is it a shuttlecraft) and
conveniently dies. (Elderly guest stars always
die.) But meanwhile he leaves Jean-Luc the
secret of the universe! Guess what it is:
EveryONE is BeeYOUtifullll in THEIR Own WAY!!!!
Is that cool! Poor old Jean-Luc has to explain
that to a fun group consisting of Cardassians,
Romulans, and Klingons. :) I like the
Cardassian babe's pigtails; with her scales, she
looks the way Dorothy from "The Wizard of Oz"
would look if the flying monkeys had gotten ahold
of her.
146. Frame of Mind. New Adventures In Riker's
Hair! Tonight introduces the
Fork-in-a-Toaster/Troll-Doll/Gary-Condit
tonsorial cascade. Confused what-is-real plot:
well, if TPTB don't know, don't ask us. Still:
sorta great. Riker is immured in an insane
asylum and the McDonald's Arches-faced people
don't believe him when he says, "I Don't Belong
Here!"
147. Suspicions. Uhoh, big PLOT ep. Bev quits
Starfleet. "I hate them! I hate them!" she says
throwing herself on her bed; Whoopi's there and
they harmonize on "A Thousand Stars in the Sky"
(as made famous by Kathy Young and the
Innocents), and then they go to the mall to get
their ears pierced again and, wait, that's not
the ep. See, there's a Ferengi and he dies and
he's murdered and Bev has her "Suspicions"
heheheh about it, and she's either right or
wrong, I forget which. Attractive alien with
gila-monster skin is lurking about so that has a
certain charm.
148. Rightful Heir. Well, Kahless comes back from
the dead and all the Klingons are pretty
impressed. Not that it's hard to impress
Klingons; they are hardly a reticent race.
Wonder what the average Klingon blood pressure
is? Eight billion over Ninety thousand? What is
it Maggie says about the no-neck monsters in "Cat
On a Hot Tin Roof"? "My goodness, this kiddies
are SO full of vitality." Same goes for
Klingons.
149. Second Chances. Get on your knees, bitch,
and admit you love Riker! And now there's two of
them! Seems Riker got doubled in a transmitting
accident in a cave, and they've just found out.
ew Riker is cuter than Old Riker (and hotter: he
molests the squealing Deanna on the holodeck!)
New Riker is also rather more . . . gutsy than
Old Riker: he goes off and joins the Maquis
(leading to one of the more mystifying DS9's
where Old Riker visits DS9 and insults Miles who
cowers from him - why? - and then kidnaps Kira
and it turns out it's not Old Riker, but New
Riker and he kisses Kira and gets sent to a
Cardassian prison camp for life. And that's it.
Most of us reading this are okay with the prison
camp -- no smut like prison camp smut -- but it
is odd to just . . .leave Riker's story like
that. I suspect the evil hand of Ira Steven
Squeaktoy in all of this; the relentless message
one gets while doing one's homework is how much
Ira Steven Badguy HATES TNG (remember the
surgically-altered fat old bald mutant insecure
Patrick: say, wonder what THAT was all about.
What an asshole.) Ira Steven Frostyheart has no
fan in me.
150. Timescape. Deanna loses a moment whle Data
is discussing a conference he went too. What's
her beef? This happens to me all the time at
administrative meetings! Great Slimer-colored
frozen phasar blasts to Bev's chest. Jean-Luc
sticks his fingertips into a time-warp
fiendish-thingy and his nails grow superfast and
he does a double take from classic horror movie
1921 Nosferatru. That's a kinda cool second.
Later, Jean-Luc goes nuts and draws a smiley face
in the warp core. And there's even Romulans!
(Grrr!) Still: nothing seems to happen?
151. Descent I. One of them end-of-the-season
cliffhangers that TPTB are so fond of. The first
half is breathtaking: Alexander Singer (director)
is a genius! The scene where Crosis the Borg
seduces Data into deciding to kill Geordi is
flat-out brilliant beyond words. Brent Spiner
rules! Even the camera is in on the act!
end 06/07
Miss Sunbeam
Author: The Enigmatic Big Sunbeam
Code: TNG
Rating: R for Language and Suggestive Situations.
152. Descent II. The second half isn't so cool.
Crosis has no lines. Data doesn't kill Geordi.
And it's all just a subspace thingamabob. Lore
doesn't even get to get it on with Deanna as he
does in the overprized bookitization, and overall
it's a very lethargic revolutionary takeover.
Still: in retrospect, it had some hot moments.
153. Liaisons. Okay, see, there are these guys
and they're Iyaarans and there's three of them
and they come on board the Enterprise and one is
mean and one is stupid and one is weird and the
weird one and Jean-Luc go off and wreck on a
little planet and the weird one "dies" and
Jean-Luc is captured by a woman who wrecked on
the little planet ten years ago and hasn't seen
anybody since and Jean-Luc is the first man she's
seen in ages. She's pretty too! Then she falls
in love with JLP! (Surprisesurprise). But he's
not in love with her, even though he's stuck
there and she's nice if a little unsophisticated
and she throws herself at him repeatedly and
kisses him but JLP is just ever so funny about
it, and anyway after about twenty minutes of pure
plot, it turns out that she is really the weird
Iyaaran in disguise and he's pretending to be her
so he can find out what love is. Huh? The
stupid one meanwhile is learning about pleasure
from Deanna and the mean one is learning about
manners from Worf. See, that's their thing!
Great neighbors! When Jean-Luc says goodbye to
"his" Iyaaran, he is pink-cheeked with the oddest
exhilaration. Only PS could turn in this twisty
performance. Dude!!
154. Interface. You know how I got turned on to
Star Trek? See, I never watched TV (stupid old
fucking Puritan Mr. Sunbeam didn't let me), but
one day, I was idly getting ready for class and I
was talking to this woman I work with and I told
her I was getting ready to show one of our
audiovisuals and she said which one and I said
"Oedipus Rex" and she said did you know that the
actor who played Oedipus was just elected Most
Bodacious Actor in the World by TV Guide and his
name is Yahweh Stewartness. You mean, I said,
Oedipus lives Outside of the AV Department?
After that, I was a sucker for JLP's brand of
love. Anyway, this is another audiovisual.
Lavar is Madge's son yet again. (As in "Roots"
and "Almos' a Man": I don't care. I like Madge
Sinclair; you know she knows what's going on.)
155 & 156. Gambit I & II. Okay, everybody thinks
Jean-Luc is dead, but he really isn't; he's just
wearing a low-cut jerkin and a weird neck
implant aboard a pirate spaceship led by leonine
sodomite Arctus Baran. Then the pirates also
get Riker and Riker is relieved in a really
slashy way to see Jean-Luc and Jean-Luc says
"ditto moi" and there's lots of pseudo-butch
seething over Riker's charms and there's also
some sort of subplot involving the Las Angeles
Lakers and Klingon hygiene tours and also there's
a weapon and a Romulan gal and Data and Jean-Luc
slashily accompany Riker to the brig in the last
scene. I must observe that, even though they
find out Jean-Luc is "dead" in the first scene,
Bev is strangely chipper for the longest time.
157. Phantasms: Data is dreaming: Crusher sucks
Riker's brains! Worf eats Deanna-cake!
Astonishing oral quality to Data's nightmares.
That Freud sure doesn't seem very Freudian to me.
Bottom line: it's body lice from outer space!
Oh, yes, Data attacks Deanna in a turbolift.
158. Dark Page - Well, this is weird. Okay,
Kristen Dunst is in it. That's one thing.
Lwaxana drowns her older daughter in the
holodeck. That's another. Kristen Dunst's
father is played by Norman Large. Hey, did you
all see "The Big Lebowski". It is something of a
cliche to like Coen Brothers movies, but they are
awfully good. In "The Big Lebowski", there's a
porn movie within a movie, and the porn flick's
name is "Log Jammin" starring the (fictive) porn
actor Karl Hungus. Karl Hungus! Fabulous porn
name! Well, I think Norman Large is a fab porn
star name too! Norm Large! It can't get any
better: Hot Norm Large Action!
159. Attached: Scowllllllllllllll. Very
unrealistic. I mean, suppose you were
telepathically attached to your man? What would
it be like? "Look at how that goon drives: it's
like riding with John Milton. And those clothes!
Is it Sadie Hawkins day at work? What is he
thinking of?" On the other hand, when Jean-Luc
and Bev are telepathically attached (thanks to a
race of cranky aliens and their weird
machinations), it's "Jean-Luc, I didn't know you
cared" and "Bev, how long have you felt this
way", etc. etc. And they don't even shack up.
Although they come THIS CLOSE. I must say,
however, that JLP and Bev are much cuter than my
man and me. And Jean-Luc deserves canonization;
he carefully does not think of Wesley.
160. Force of Nature - Years have passed
since this episode and people are still bored!!!!
Its boringness is, even as we speak, being
broadcast throughout all the solar systems so
people on other planets can be bored! It does
feature a couple of scientists who are brother
and sister, and very close. I guess it's the
Angeline Jolie and James Haven of outer space,
but even they don't ignite this sleepy ep. Turns
out warp speed is bad. Tralalala. Oh, this is
the ep where Data and Geordi are poised sexily in
the Jeffries tube and Data says (my favorite
line): "Geordi, I could not stun my cat." With
all the meaning in the world. He is so
ineffably precious at that moment that I can't
think why Geordi doesn't grab him and paw at his
Starfleet trousers until Ol' Fully Functional is
naked from the waist down and then Geordi plunges
into him again and again. See, that way this ep
wouldn't be so boring!
161.Inheritance - Data's Mother. Fionnula
Flanagan plays Data's flesh-mother, the consort
of Dr. Noonian Soong. Turns out (Calling Rod
Serling! Calling Rod Serling!) she's a robot
too! She just doesn't know it! Fionulla
Flanagan is a hot momma from way back; she was on
off-Broadway as Molly Bloom and bared her bazooms
in the soliloquy scene. She is overbearingly
cheerful as most professional hot mommas tend to
be. Data's mom talks a lot about Data as a
"child". How he ran around naked. Seems like
naked Data was an issue in "The Most Toys" too,
the way we are always being threatened with
Lwaxana stripping off her clothes. That's an
interesting reveal of the TPTB's anti-sex phobia;
comic characters are always being given rococo
sex lives or having their clothes torn off (ala
Quark in DS9), as if only the lowly would be
sexualized. The Good Guys are Too Good to Strip.
Fucking Paramount Puritans.
162. Parallels Bunch of parallel universes
converse all at once. AwRITE!!! Buncha
different Worfs, especially. Some of whom are
shacking up with Deanna, some of whom aren't.
Something new: a diffident Klingon! Happy
ending. We get to see what would happen if
Jean-Luc had stayed in his Locutus drag: Riker's
beard goes all fuzzy. Odd, I expected more than
that.
163. The Pegasus. This other bald guy who
outranks our bald guy comes on board and hangs
around Riker in a slashy dom way making all
kinds of insinuations. It's also implied he has
a "wife". Oh, I'm so sure. Hey, did anybody
see "Waiting for Guffman"? Remember Corky's
"wife". Ha Ha. Lots of pseudo-butch seething
over Riker's harms and pulling rank ensues! They
get caught in a Styrofoam asteroid and use an
illicit cloaking device to get out (see, all
these years Riker had been in on the earliest
Starfleet use of a cloaking device, but he
didn't know it UNTIL HE READ THIS WEEK'S
SCRIPT!!) and there's more butch seething and
Jean-Luc and Riker hang around the brig again in
a slashy manner. This ep takes its slash-worthy
Mary-Renault-y title from the name of the
starship the Other Bald Guy drove.
164. Homeward. This ep is pretty cool for two
reasons: Dorn gets to wear much less makeup and
we can see the beeyoutiful Dornface: man, it's
worth the wait! Also, there's a little guy
who's kinda cute: he plays a villager, see, in
the village that Worf's human adopted brother
(played by Paul Sorvino) has colonized only the
human adopted brother is feigning not being
human. Whew. Little guy accidentally gets
aboard the Enterprise (long story) and sees
(against Prime Directive that he's . . . oh shit
who cares. Too Much Plot! Give us sex! Anyway,
after a while, Bev waltz on: Oh, little cute guy,
well, he, uh, committed suicide, that's right he
committed suicide! It was really sad. Just
suicided right over. Ben Sisko's sweetie turns
up only here she's married to Worf's adopted
human brother. A listless ep, maybe because it
was filemed during the time that Paul Sorvino's
daughter was dating Quentin Tarentino. A fact
which would make me question the meaning of
life.)
165. Sub Rosa wherein Bev puts on her nightie and
writhes around. A fairly hot ep, all things
considered. See, there's a sex candle that her
whole family is addicted to (it's a long story)
and now she's addicted and she quits Starfleet
and there's a scene in graveyard e and (a nice
moment) Ptewrt Satrick rolls his eye and is
lightly ironic about her family (a very true
moment, he's sarky in the way we're all sarky
about the people we work with). The sex, is, by
and large, pretty unbelievably graphic. (I HEART
GATES! Notice how she handles her sexual
frustration towards JLP versus how Majel handles
it. Majel and Gates are the Goofus and Gallant,
respectively, of JLP-related sexual frustration).
166. Lower Decks. Wherein we look at characters
who aren't on the senior staff. Including a very
scary Bajoran Mary Sue. As a matter of fact, the
whole ep focuses on these losers. Where's the
only character that matters: I want my JLP!!!
Still, look at this way: four brand new pieces of
sexflesh on the Enterprise. Notice the looks
everybody gives everybody else. It's like a John
Rechy story! Bev and Nurse. Geordi and the
slick little Vulcan. Flabby white guy and Riker.
And the scary Bajoran Mary Sue with Picard and
Worf! "I could eat you alive," the scary curve
of her mouth seems to say.
167. Thine Own Self. Wherein Data wears tights.
And, while wearing tights, he also gets buried
alive! TPTB don't show him getting dug up!
They don't show Jean-Luc and them opening up the
coffin! They just kind of beam Data up off
camera. What a rip off!!! And not only do they
blow that teeny inexpensive moment, but they also
blow the whole ep: see, there's about forty
seconds where Data is beamed down to a medievally
kind of planet but he has adroid-related amnesia
and he doesn't know who he is and he staggers
around and a little girl befriends him and then
the other people on the planet think he's a
mechanical man and its about five seconds away
from turning in FRANKENSTEIN! Which would just
be the coolest Star Trek episode ever but then
they screw up horribly and the episode itself
gets buried alive. *sigh*
168. Masks A much criticized ep that I, ole
Sunbeam, like a lot: No sex, alas, or if there is
. . . ( Data changes genders, but not much
follows from that) but this whole mythic sun and
moon, and everybody wears ugly little masques and
Data has split personlaties is just the most
wonderful
Orson-Welles-Presents-The-Spirit-of-Man-Awards-With-Ugly-Little-
Giacommeti-Sculptures-of-A-Man-Striding-As-The-Award
thing imaginable. Very 1961.
169. Eye of the Beholder. Turns out EVEN THE
ACTORS didn't know what was real and what was
fantasy in this episode. Damn! I like the
glassy-eyed murderer though; good casting. We
ALL (including Dorn and Martina ) shoulda figured
out that something was wrong when Deanna wakes up
after a night spent in passionate love with Worf
and nothing's mussed, I mean nothing. She just
stretches like a gal in a fabric softener
commercial and says, "It's Klingon Fresh!
<TM>"
170. Genesis. Oh my god oh my god oh my god.
This is a great episode: see, loser Barclay does
something and this virus gets lose that causes
you to de-evolve. Worf deevolves into a great
horned beast and Riker in an extremely amusing
turn becomes an ape and Deanna is a fish; oh,
yeah, Barclay is a spider. Great scene! And,
see, Jean-Luc and Data have been at the drive-in
movies in a shuttlecraft (making out I like to
think although canon does not support this) and,
when they get there, the Enterprise is all dark
and full of jungle squeaks (another great scene!)
And they walk around, and, of course, Data
doesn't get the virus but Jean-Luc does and
starts (brilliantly) to de-evolve into a LEMUR!!!
Data is SO unsympathetic! And Data discovers a
cure (snoresnore) and the only way to get the
cure to everybody (this is slightly baffling) is
to sidetrack Great Horned Beast Worf who's
wandering around killing things and so Data boils
up some of Deanna's pheronomes and tells Jean-Luc
to waft them about, thus sidetracking Worf who
will hence want to mate with Deanna. Oh, wait a
minute! If Jean-Luc has the pheronomes, won't
Great Horned Beast want to get busy with the one
with the pheronomes, i.e. Jean-Luc the Lemur?
Since canon does not indicate otherwise,
apparently so. And there is a most exciting
scene where Hot-to-Trot GHB Worf chases Lemur JLP
through the jeffries tube. (Alas, TPTB fail to
show where the Beast catches the Lemur and .. .
it happens: love at first lunge! I really
believe PatrickHimStewartShip the Great and
Michael Dorn are in on the joke. His PS-ness -
Yes, He Who was Shylock, He Who Portrayed Leontes
– has to mime throwing invisible pheronomes into
the air from an invisible basket. Pretty cute!)
But still: Suppose you were watching this with
your kiddies? Mommy, what's Worf want to do
with ole Jean-Luc? What WOULD you say?
171. Journey's End. Injuns. Wesley runs off with
Traveler yet again. For Bev it's grief, but to
us it's really a big releif. Cardassians mess
with Native Americans. Not one word of the
script seems to have any connection to the next.
Sir Pee Ess even seems a little daunted b the
rainbow phantasmagoria of syllables. Most
suggestive moment: Wes looks eerily USED.
172. First Born. Wow! I didn't know Klingons had
Renaissance Fairs! And yet they do. Worf takes
Alexander to one where a creepy older man picks
Alex up! Then B'Etor, Lursa, and Quark put in an
appearance! Curiouser and curiouser! This is
one of those Character-From-the-Future stories,
and Alexander's pick-up is not The Man From from
NAMBLA but actually Alexander himself. Then it
gets more confusing. Might be a happy ending.
Might not.
173. Bloodlines AKA Jean-Luc's Partial Son. A
Ferengi for Ferengi reasons conjures up a
plausible youth to play Jean-Luc's son. His name
is Jason Vigo and he isn't really (although quite
cute with beautiful darkset eyes) but you have to
sift through a great deal of plot before you get
to that point. Most Interesting Fact: listen
carefully – the actor playing Jason Vigo has a
SOUTHERN accent. Weird! Also: another glimpse
in Jean-Luc's past as Starfleet Manwhore,
something Beverly, Q and I are most uncomfortable
with.
74. Emergence: The Train One. Lotta people don't
like this one, primarily because *nothing*
happens. David Huddleston, the bad guy from *The
Big Lebowski (well, one of them) is in it. A
very abstract ep is all. Dadaesque as if they'd
cut up thirty two free lance scripts and then
drawn random script bits out of a hat and hoped
for a plot. Nothing happens. I guess.
175. Preemptive Strike The beeyoutiful Michelle
Forbes comes back one last time. Riker is
disguised as a Bajoran. I wanted eveytody to
think about Riker in disguise: the Angel One
planet, Mintaken, Malcorian. Notice that these
are the most inept "disguises" in Federation
history. He'd do better just putting a sheet
over his head and saying ‘boo!' Anyway,
Michelle's fed up with Starfleet and is going to
join the Maquis; she goes underground and
Jean-Luc follows her. V. sexy scene where she
pretends she's a prostitute and he pretends he's
her customer: "Listen here, Ro, don't do me
wrong; gimme that thing you're sitting on," he
says, quoting Leon Redbone. ONE HOT SCENE.
176. All Good Things.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Bring ‘em back!
Bring ‘em all back! Bring back the Pakleds and
Kivas Fajo and Dr. Farralon and the Jaradan flea
folk and Nick Dirgo and Admiral Chestcold and,
and, and, the Romulan who looked like Soupy
Sales! Everybody!! Don't leave us, TNG!!!!!!
SOBBBBBB!!!
Well, it was a great run and this was a great
goodbye. Jean-Luc loses his mind in the future
and starts wearing women's hats and then he slips
into the present and runs barefoot around the
Enterprise wearing nothing but a teeny weeny
fuzzy bathrobe (thank you, Hafital, for pointing
out his provocative garb) and then he goes back
to the past with Q where everybody is tiny ugly
amoebas and then it's back to the future and he's
divorced from a mean-looking Bev and Deanna's
dead and Worf (is this so Worf? Is this not the
Worfest?) is the only one who's grown in
character and he misses Deanna and Riker has
turned into one of the innumerable horde of men
who look like Kenny Rogers. Whew! Miles is
there! So's Tasha! And . . .<breakdowncrycry> a
life without TNG is NOT WORTH LIVING!!!
:) let's talk!
end 07/07
Mary Ellen Curtin
my face. You damn near kilt me, but it was truly worth it.
The expression "booster plot" is Judith Gran's, not mine.
Mary Ellen
Doctor Science, MA
http://www.eclipse.net/~mecurtin/au/
Alternate Universes: Fanfiction Studies
http://www.eclipse.net/~mecurtin/foresmut/
The Foresmutters Project
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J. Juls
> 18. Coming of Age: See, Riker's getting a suntan
> in the holodeck but he stays there too long and
> gets sunburned and so Bev has to give him a big
> shot of cordrazine and Jean-Luc is wandering
> around and he says, "whatcha doin' Bev?" and it
> startles her and her hand jumps and she
> accidentally injects the cordrazine into Jean-Luc
> and he goes crazy and starts having sex with
> everyone he sees, starting with bright red Riker
> in baggy swim trunks, um, and then Jean-Luc moves
> back to earth and gets his own series and it's
> called "Howdy, I'm Jean-Luc!" and his wacky
> next-door neighbors are played by Suzanne Somers,
> Lee Iacocca, and Flipper and there's always a
> moral where everybody learns some sort of lesson
> and then there's a big final music salute to
> "Coming of Age"!!! <teeny voice> I'm a terrible
> Trekkie! I don't have any idea about what
> happens in this ep! I made all that up!
>
It's a Wesley episode. Wes has to take the Starfleet Fear Test, while some
other kid steals a shuttlecraft. Also, I think Starfleet investigates
Picard because he already broke the Prime Directive 12 times. But they're
just checking him out to be Commandant of the Academy.
But your version is much, much better! -- Any full stories of this in the
future? -- So I'll just go with that. BTW, Lore loves Data -- just like a
mirror only fully functional.
Love the episodes! ROFL! Makes me anxious to watch TNN (which I'll have to
add to my menu, never having watched it before).
Julie
chan...@yahoo.com
> NEW NONFICTION:
*Non* fiction? I only wish these *were* non-fiction because that would
mean we might see these eps as described by Miss Sunbeam.
ROFL!
Chanteuzi
chan...@yahoo.com
> things, it contains a recipe for a Big Cardboard
> Riker; you have to use blue curacoa and a little
> plastic trombone.
I want this bar guide! You're killing me! ROFL!
Chanteuzi
Duny...@aol.com
the way through this. As uniquely and idiosyncratically Sunbeamish as
this series is, it has a certain timeless Treksmut-fannish quality in
the way all the bad plots just sort of drop from view in favor of the
SEX! in the episode (or our fevered imaginations).
I will keep these summaries printed out by the TV so next time I see
a TNG ep I won't have to worry so hard about what was supposed to
happen.
Judith
Ellen_F...@hotmail.com
> SEASON 7 (O7/07)
> AKA Through a Sunbeam Darkly
> Author: The Enigmatic Big Sunbeam
> Code: TNG
> Rating: R for Language and Suggestive Situations.
Oh my oh my oh my. Sunbeam, I haven't laughed this hard, for this
long, since-- I don't even remember since when. I mean pounding-the-
chair-arms, gasping-for-breath, tears-rolling-down-my-face laughter.
Your synopses were SO ACCURATE! In that weird, twisted, Sunbeamy way!
Thank you!
Ellen
P.S.-- Actually, you know what this reminded me of? Anna Russel's
analysis of The Ring. The routine where she just spends half an hour
describing the plot of Wagner's Ring der Niebelungen, in great, and
excruciatingly accurate detail. Hilarious.
akite...@aol.com
the original, Miss Sunbeam. Ten people have probably already
told you, but that's the one where Wes flunks his Academy
entrance exam. Oh, and I loved your comment about Wes and
The Traveler too. I made them wait a little longer than six years,
but we're on the same wavelength, Beamie. Now ain't that scary?
;-D
Anita
mgt...@juno.com
Whatever yer drinkin', I want some!
My fave moment: Your reaction to the first sight of Worf's
ponytail. My cornflakes and milk nearly ended up all over my monitor.
Thanks for getting my weekend off to a psychedelic start!
EmGee
jat_sa...@fan.as
...can't...laughing too hard....
I laughed so hard it made my teeth hurt. I couldn't breathe. Ten
minutes afterward I dropped the cap of the bottle I was opening. I
*mean.* You better put this up on your webpage, Sumbeam.
Jane
J. Juls
(If Bev had been there, she'd a
> known what to do. She'd say, "I believe I'll
> take Nouveau Jean-Luc to, uh, sickbay for, uhh,
> experiments." But really she would lead the
> bovine newcomer to her pad, plug in some Percy
> Faith, and GET IT ON.)
>
>
Well, we've already seen Bev with one faux Jean-Luc, so why not another
one?? Actually, plenty of story ideas in this post.
Julie
J. Juls
>
> 133. Fistful of Datas. Mixed reviews from
> everybody on this ep, from everybody but ME, who
> thinks it is good to the last drop!
And me! mememe!
Julie
J. Juls
> :) let's talk!
>
Well, there's nothing else to say! Except that there's ten umptillion,
uncountabajillion ideas for stories. So I hope to read them soon!
Julie
Miss Sunbeam
--- jat_sa...@fan.as wrote:
> --- In ASCEML@y..., Miss Sunbeam
> <bigmisssunbeam49@y...> wrote:
> > :) let's talk!
>
> ...can't...laughing too hard....
>
> I laughed so hard it made my teeth hurt. I
> couldn't breathe. Ten
> minutes afterward I dropped the cap of the
> bottle I was opening. I
> *mean.* You better put this up on your
> webpage, Sumbeam.
dog my cats, but the ineffable Karmen Ghia and I
are working on such; there won't be as many typos
because I'll probably not be that drunk again for
some time.
(see other posts).
thanks for all your sweet words - I feel like
that come in round the clock from you!
luv ya,
Sunbeam
p.s. lookin at your post, do I get to be "Sum
Beam"!: ) <beambeambeam>
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Miss Sunbeam
How do I make so many typos? See below.
> Whatever yer drinkin', I want some!
Chilean or Australian cabarnets with Prozac added
in.
> My fave moment: Your reaction to the first
> sight of Worf's
> ponytail. My cornflakes and milk nearly ended
> up all over my monitor.
why, that's exactly what happened with me and
Worf's ponytail!!!
> Thanks for getting my weekend off to a
> psychedelic start!
>
> EmGee
<smilesmilebeambeam> and thank you for
writing!
sunbeam
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Miss Sunbeam
--- Ellen_F...@hotmail.com wrote:
> Oh my oh my oh my. Sunbeam, I haven't laughed
> this hard, for this
> long, since-- I don't even remember since when.
> I mean pounding-the-
> chair-arms, gasping-for-breath,
> tears-rolling-down-my-face laughter.
you liked it?! yay!!!!!!!!
> Your synopses were SO ACCURATE! In that weird,
> twisted, Sunbeamy way!
this is a deepdeep compliment. Makes me
happyhappyhappy.
> Thank you!
no, thank you!!!
luv ya,
Sunbeam
>
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Miss Sunbeam
--- akite...@aol.com wrote:
> LOL, I liked your version of "Coming of Age"
> much better than
> the original, Miss Sunbeam. Ten people have
> probably already
> told you, but that's the one where Wes flunks
> his Academy
> entrance exam. Oh, and I loved your comment
> about Wes and
> The Traveler too. I made them wait a little
> longer than six years,
> but we're on the same wavelength, Beamie. Now
> ain't that scary?
> ;-D
>
> Anita
awww, sis, can't nobody look at Journey's End and
tell me a wedding isn't in Wes' future!!!
I think THEY'RE perfect for each other!
luv ya (thanks for posting!)
Sunbeam
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Miss Sunbeam
--- Duny...@aol.com wrote:
> I laughed, howled, roared, bellowed, shrieked,
> cried and moaned all
> the way through this.
did you really like it? I'm going to clean it up
and put it on a permanent site with A SIG LINE!
JUST LIKE A REAL PERSON! Won't that rock!
As uniquely and
> idiosyncratically Sunbeamish as
> this series is, it has a certain timeless
> Treksmut-fannish quality in
> the way all the bad plots just sort of drop
> from view in favor of the
> SEX! in the episode (or our fevered
> imaginations).
I posted it with some trepidation -- it seemed to
me that, if a reader didn't buy into the whole
fanguide thing, then they'd hate me forever. (We
are a high strung bunch of thoroughbred fillies,
after all.) I can tell from our post-modern
conversations that you all are so smart, but,
when it comes to treksmut 'n' stuff, *I* just
lurch from intuition to intuition.
> I will keep these summaries printed out by the
> TV so next time I see
> a TNG ep I won't have to worry so hard about
> what was supposed to
> happen.
> Judith
wait for the edited version; among other things,
Michelle Phillips is going to get a spanking.
luv ya,
sunbeam
>
> Messages from this list are mirrored on the
> ASCEM newsgroup.
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> information about your subscription to ASCEML
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>
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>
>
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Miss Sunbeam
--- chan...@yahoo.com wrote:
> --- In ASCEML@y..., Miss Sunbeam
> <bigmisssunbeam49@y...> wrote:
> > NEW NONFICTION:
>
> *Non* fiction? I only wish these *were*
> non-fiction because that would
> mean we might see these eps as described by
> Miss Sunbeam.
>
> ROFL!
>
>
> Chanteuzi
Dear ms. tuezi, o rest assured that they are
there- TNG is the coolest, once you put on your
smutgoggles!
thank you for posting; I feel warm inside!
luv ya,
sunbeam
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J. Juls
> Michelle Phillips is going to get a spanking.
Woo-hoo, sounds good!
I never liked her part of the show (although *all* females are supposed to
*adore* it), but ... Datas, Datas, so many Datas, and so little time (sigh).
Julie
Miss Sunbeam
> > "Coming of Age"!!! <teeny voice> I'm a
> terrible
> > Trekkie! I don't have any idea about what
> > happens in this ep! I made all that up!
> >
>
> It's a Wesley episode. Wes has to take the
> Starfleet Fear Test, while some
> other kid steals a shuttlecraft. Also, I think
> Starfleet investigates
> Picard because he already broke the Prime
> Directive 12 times. But they're
> just checking him out to be Commandant of the
> Academy.
> But your version is much, much better!
thank you. By the time, I did research I found
out what Coming of Age was. But the first season
was a little dull to me so I gave it a Big Shot
of Cordrazine, the results of which you have on
your monitor.
thanks for all your comments: go Data lovers! go
TNGers! but I've always loved all your comments
anyway.
> full stories of this in the
> future? -- So I'll just go with that. BTW,
> Lore loves Data -- just like a
> mirror only fully functional.
<bigeyes> oooooooohhhhhhh!
> Love the episodes! ROFL! Makes me anxious to
> watch TNN (which I'll have to
> add to my menu, never having watched it
> before).
>
> Julie
thanks again for writing; TNN is weird -- lotta
wrestlin and fishin shows. I wonder what TNG is
getting itself into.
luv ya,
Sunbeam
> Messages from this list are mirrored on the
> ASCEM newsgroup.
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> http://www.egroups.com/files/ASCEML/faq.txt for
> more
> information about your subscription to ASCEML
> and ASCEM.
>
> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to
> http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/
>
>
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Miss Sunbeam
--- Mary Ellen Curtin
<mecu...@alumni.Princeton.EDU> wrote:
> O Sunbeamiest one, I have laughed until the
> tears poured down
> my face. You damn near kilt me, but it was
> truly worth it.
did you really like it? I aims to please!
> The expression "booster plot" is Judith Gran's,
> not mine.
I know it had forty zillion typos in it. Work
has been v. difficult this past week, and will be
more difficult this week. (school's startin :(
at any rate, I felt so horrible Friday night I
went home and got most drunk <lurchcrawlseebats>
and complimented myself as drunks do on the
perfect form of my listings and posted them!
I'm such a dork!!
But Karmen and I will put a corrected permanent
home version and I'll sig it, and then ASCEM
won't have to avert its face when my name is
mentioned!
thanks for posting!
luv ya,
Sunbeam
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Robin
These have been printed out and remain by my side for instant gratification as I
await the next TNG episode on Foxtel. Thank you very much.
(I figured saying that I pissed myself laughing was Too Much Information. Oops.
Bugger.)
Robin
Selek
| me that, if a reader didn't buy into the whole
| fanguide thing, then they'd hate me forever. (We
| are a high strung bunch of thoroughbred fillies,
| after all.)
Ahem. Some of us are colts.
Selek
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Miss Sunbeam
> (We
> | are a high strung bunch of thoroughbred
> fillies,
> | after all.)
>
> Ahem. Some of us are colts.
>
> Selek
true enough - fillies is a pretty word, tho'
sunbeam
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Miss Sunbeam
--- Robin <rob...@bigpond.net.au> wrote:
> My dear Miss Sunbeam,
>
> These have been printed out and remain by my
> side for instant gratification as I
> await the next TNG episode on Foxtel. Thank you
> very much.
excellent!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I aims to
please!
> (I figured saying that I pissed myself laughing
> was Too Much Information. Oops.
> Bugger.)
>
> Robin
Indeed, missy! And yet there are those who would
want MORE info. By the way, after reading the
exchange between you and the Archduchess Juditha
I find I must read Robina's new C/P slash -
sounds just too rich! (when life calms a lil bit)
luv ya,
Sunbeam
>
>
>
> Messages from this list are mirrored on the
> ASCEM newsgroup.
> Read
> http://www.egroups.com/files/ASCEML/faq.txt for
> more
> information about your subscription to ASCEML
> and ASCEM.
>
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> http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/
>
>
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Selek
| > | are a high strung bunch of thoroughbred
| > fillies,
| > | after all.)
| >
| > Ahem. Some of us are colts.
| >
| > Selek
|
| true enough - fillies is a pretty word, tho'
| sunbeam
I suppose....
Selek
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as a resource on the ASCEML web site.
CLASSIC.
:)
Sileya, who doesn't even LIKE TNG, but found this VERY
entertaining.
=====
Sileya, Social Moth
"If you're going to have delusions, you might as well go for the really satisfying ones." --Marcus, Babylon 5
===================
sil...@yahoo.com
http://www.geocities.com/sileya
__________________________________________________
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Make international calls for as low as $.04/minute with Yahoo! Messenger
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Miss Sunbeam
--- Sileya <sil...@yahoo.com> wrote:
> With Miss Sunbeam's approval, I'd like to put
> these up
> as a resource on the ASCEML web site.
> CLASSIC.
>
> :)
> Sileya, who doesn't even LIKE TNG, but found
> this VERY
> entertaining.
you're so sweet! what a fantasy come true! I
will be a RESOURCE. but you must let me edit out
all the typos - I can do it, I really can! I can
spell "these" and "analyzed", I really can! Just
tell me where to send the edited version.
thanks loads,
Sunbeam
=====
The beguiling K. Ghia (vrooomvrooooom!) has made a no-frills version of "Promised Land"
(with an awards page) at
http://geocities.com/promised_land_by_sunbeam/
__________________________________________________
Duny...@aol.com
> I can tell from our post-modern
> conversations that you all are so smart,
Not me. I'm not into post-modernism, I'm a Marxist.
>but,
> when it comes to treksmut 'n' stuff, *I* just
> lurch from intuition to intuition.
And I just love the product of your intuitions, Sunbeam. I will read
them whenever I can get my grubby proletarian hands on them.
Your comrade,
Judith
Karmen Ghia
<snippage>
> 115. Ethics. Worf dies. See, he's messing
> around down in the storeroom and a big old can of
> elements falls right on top of him. This
> paralyzes him and he has to wear shiny fab
> Pajamas of the Future and he decides to kill
> himself because he's paralyzed and . . .
> something happens, I forget exactly what, but it
> doesn't really matter, because, even though he
> dies, he still snaps out of it!!! Seems Klingons
> have redundant anatomies! Dog my cats! Is that
> handy or what! Worf does have an extremely
> slashy moment when Riker comes to say good-bye,
> Riker whispering that he's going to miss the
> thundering beef of Worf's big one and he doesn't
> know what he'll do now (probably just become the
> most prized boy whore on Deep Space Umpteen --
> where a wandering Klingon sings, *Riker, you're a
> fine girl, what a good wife you'd be, but my
> life, my love, my lady is the Klingon homeworld
> dootdootdootenydoot*)
I was driving home tonight, thinking happy thoughts
about being off on Monday, minding my own business and
observing the speed limit, when Gordon comes on the
radio singing his version of this song.
I had to pull over to laugh.
Whenever I need a laugh, I pull these ep guides out of
the keeper file and go to town or something.
Yours, possibly more so,
Karmen
=====
I highly recommend this CD:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00005N9D6/williamropers-20/104-8228506-7855114
L.A. Weekly, June 22, 2001, vol.23, no. 31: "It’s a spare but highly sensual affair, featuring cross-resonant vibrations...You’ll enjoy the music." And http://www.geocities.com/blasquinte/Jntnth.html for more info on the artist.
STILL Need G/B writers or writers who'd like to try some G/B for a round robin. Please inquire at karme...@yahoo.com Thank you.
ANOTHER New fest: http://geocities.com/q_fuh_q_fest/ and other stuff at http://geocities.com/karmen_ghia2/
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saidi...@yahoo.com
LOL! I have never heard that expression before! Forgive me, I found
the entire piece very amusing, but when I read that phrase I just
started ROFL. What exactly does that mean? I'm guessing it's
something like "Well, I'll be damned."
Saidicam29(who is going to try to work that into a conversation the
next chance she gets<G>)