Fearless Predictions
Shrike
I am here to let everyone what those events shall be, and how you
should react to them. These do NOT go in chronological order. Do not
expect sense.
ONE: Earth explodes.
Due to an unexpected capitulation of flammable and explosive gases at
the poles over the last few decades from industry and nuclear testing
which then move over Mauna Loa during an eruption, the resulting
explosion
ruptures the Earth's core, blasting billions into space, some still
clutching their valuables...err...most still clutching their valuables,
while the super-secret presidential spacecraft takes the Pres and a few
selected individuals to the new base on Mars, which has been secretly
under construction in league with Aliens, specifically the grays, since
the Viking landing.
Expected reaction: Screaming, crying, bleeding, confusion, guilt,
denial, and death.
Quotes: "It has not been proven that the Earth has indeed blown apart,
we are fairly certain at this point that this is a ploy by the
Democrats<screaming,body blows apart>"
"Why God, Why?"
"I just quit fucking smoking!!"
"Hey Madeline...about the divorce...heh heh, FUCK YOU!!!"
TWO: President eats first lady. Due to an oversight, the Super-secret
Presidential Space-craft (hereafter referred to as the SSPSC) was only
stocked with gold, bonds, and
jewelery. The President, William Clinton, gets so hungry that he kills
Hillary, and then eats her raw as his Cabinet watches in envy. Gore gets
a thigh.
Expected reaction: Vaccuum causes your eyes to explode.
THREE: Gore elected next President.
Expected reaction: Republicans; call democrats left-wing pinko whiners.
Democrats; call republicans bloated fat-cats in the pockets of the rich.
I know, you're all dead, but logic hasn't intruded previously, why start
now?
FOUR: Gore passes law making him dictator of Mars.
Expected reaction: Many of you will be blown apart by Cosmic Dust.
FIVE: Gore passes law making all non-dictators food items.
Expected reaction: Applause.
SIX: Gore eats everyone.
Expected reaction: Envy.
SEVEN: Gore dies.
Expected reaction: Respectful silence for a great and glorious leader.
Republicans: Raspberries.
EIGHT: The Flyers lose their fourth straight game to the Devils by a
score of 6-0.
Expected reaction: Post furiously on the NG, throw remote control at
wall, shattering it
into a few dozen pieces, angry remarks directed at Smug Bastard Murray.
NINE (through seventy-four): Conrad gets drunk.
Expected reaction: Get drunk
SEVENTY-FIVE: Shanny writes a verbose treatment on the expected
ramifications of the Y2K
problem as viewed through the eyes of Brian Burke as he holds a couple
of Swedish twins hostage. There is no mention of knickers.
Expected reaction: Contempt.
SEVENTY-SIX: Lisa and Starr decide to consumate their endless
flirting...with more flirting...then Number one comes along <BOOM>.
Expected reaction: Masturbation, frustration, and Conrad twirls finger
and says "Lesbians
are _so_ last year."
SEVENTY-SEVEN: Billy to get laid. Overwrought and overcome by emotion
and gratitude, Kim finally agrees to Billy's intrepid advances...then
the Earth blows up. Billy is heard to say: "Fate blows fucking donkeys."
Expected reaction: Laughter.
SEVENTY-EIGHT: Flyers win Stanley Cup.
Naw, just kidding.
They lose to the Sabres in the first round.
Expected reaction: Howard Schilling defends all the moves made by Bobby
Clarke in the last three-hundred years, Mike Barrett disagrees, and
they're off!! Everyone else kinda goes away to sulk. Except for
Tericloth, who's favorite team wins the cup again. How can that be? She
only has like 18 favorite teams. And this is the one you want
for...nevermind.
SEVENTY-NINE: I get a blister on my foot and it hurts real bad.
Expected reaction: Compassion, sympathy, and understanding of my dire
straits in my time of need.
Yeah.
SEVENTY-TEN: Ed chokes on a balloon that he thought was a great big
pancake, he was very confused after watching a show about
Columbus...flat, round, flat, round, it was all too much.
Expected reaction:...and there was much rejoicing...YAY!
That's it for now.
--
Bill
Go filter yourself
Shanny
> SEVENTY-FIVE: Shanny writes a verbose treatment on the expected
> ramifications of the Y2K
> problem as viewed through the eyes of Brian Burke as he holds a couple
> of Swedish twins hostage. There is no mention of knickers.
>
> Expected reaction: Contempt.
Verbose? Knickers? Well, lookee here folks, we got ourselves a comedian!!
Who are you? Bob Hope?
Besides, my Canucks predictions were soooooo much better.
Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...much better.
Andy can vouch for that. Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much better.
Oh, yeah. I nominate this post of yours, Bill. FOR THE GUTTER! Any seconds?
--
Shanny
E-Mail: iris...@hotmail.com
ICQ: 30895305
Phone #: 1-708-KL5-0045
Pager #: 1-708-KL5-8437
Fax #: 1-708-KL5-2652
Address: Apt: 134, Dingo Lane Estates,
Dingo Lane, Queensmare, Australia
V5I-7H7-@#$-KJ%
Soooooooooooo...muuuuuuuuuuuuuch...better.
Shrike
> Verbose? Knickers? Well, lookee here folks, we got ourselves a comedian!!
> Who are you? Bob Hope?
>
> Besides, my Canucks predictions were soooooo much better.
> Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...much better.
>
> Andy can vouch for that. Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much better.
>
> Oh, yeah. I nominate this post of yours, Bill. FOR THE GUTTER! Any seconds?
Are you upset little man? Verbose. Knickers. What's the problem?
I second the gutter nomination.
Andy Henderson
iris...@hotmail.com says...
> Besides, my Canucks predictions were soooooo much better.
> Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...much better.
> Andy can vouch for that. Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much better.
Uhhhh, "canucks predictions"? Was that 70 + line post in which you
predict the date of the next visit of Prince Charles and knickers to
Canada. Then spell out exactly what you will do to them both if you can
ever get them alone...?
--
A J Henderson
(remove "or.near." to email)
Life stinks, and then you die.
He who drinks the most beer, wins...
Shanny
> predict the date of the next visit of Prince Charles and knickers to
> Canada. Then spell out exactly what you will do to them both if you can
> ever get them alone...?
Go shave your head!
(That'll fix him.)
--
Shanny
Quote of the Millennium:
"Animal rights groups protest "Free Poached Baby Ape Night", saying
"Oh sure, the apes are cute when ya bring them home. But what will you do
when they start drinking gin, smoking crack and doing dirty things to the
furniture?" The fiery protests rock Vancouver. Burke decides "to do the
right thing," claming "every last one of those baby apes will be brutally
killed,
like nature intended."