True Story of Moose Molestation

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Derek Milhous Zumsteg

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Jun 3, 2002, 2:06:16 AM6/3/02
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I can't turn Karen down, so for everyone, here you are. I highly
recommend you swap over to a fixed font, there are going to be some
diagrams later, and they're going to look bad if you're using a
proportional font.

I once went to a Mariners game in the Kingdome with some fine people:
Dave Paisley, Mrs. Paisley, Michael, and Jason Barker. We all met up
at Pyramid before the game, where we got a little drunk (except Jason,
who didn't drink, and me, who was right drunk).

We had front-row seats on the 300 deck, a little to the third
base-side behind home plate.

We were having a good time, minding our own business, watching an
unremarkable game, and booing the Moose as he went about his Moose
business on the field, the lower deck. We gave him a hard time (I was
yelling "Die you freak of nature!"... you get the idea), but he was a
long ways off, so it was more for our own amusement.

Now, for those of you who haven't yet attended a game with a group of
old school asbs-m'ers (and by this I mean people who were around
pre-95 and through the up/down 96-Safeco years), it's like being in
the balcony with Stanley and Waldorf. Except louder, with a wider
range of style, for much, much longer, and there's frequently beer
involved, and there's cheering for good plays. But the Moose...
everyone hates the Moose. The Moose could have gone out on the field
before the game and, with props and charts, provided a provable grand
unification theory, and we'd have gone after him with advanced
theoretical arguments about the ultimately unknowable nature of the
universe and his unfitness to be a member of same.

The Moose came up to the 300 level. He was surrounded by a Bohr model
cloud of excited small children as he moved, and two teenage interns.
We started giving the Moose hell, and he waved, pretended he didn't
hear me telling him to do things that would be impossible for even the
most flexible and open-minded Moose to attempt. Here's a brief ASCII
model of the situation, which is going to look really bad if you're
not using a fixed font:

field

......front of the section.....

A* us A
I I
S other random fans S
L are here L
E and here and here E


* = the Moose

The Moose, still waving, patting kids on the head (good touch),
started to move along the front row, where we're seated. Kids tried to
follow him, the interns shooed them off... and then as the Moose is
about to get past us, he turned around, so he's facing the field as he
moved from aisle to aisle.

The rails at the front of the sections of the Kingdome, you'll recall,
were round, more like piping on top of the concrete barrier, rather
than the more elegant Safeco section fronts.

The Moose edged his way along the front towards us, and we yell "you
suck!" "go away!" and less savory things, and when he got in front of
Dave, he stopped.

Side view:

( )
O O
|| +-o < -- railing
+=\ \

^ ^-- Moose
\
Dave

The Moose had both arms on the railing, was standing directly in front
of Dave, and used the rail for leverage to swing himself up and down,
bouncing on Dave's lap. Not only did he bounce, no, that wasn't enough
for the Moose, he had to sit on Dave's lap and wiggle around. Dave got
a treatment from the Moose that you can't buy without crossing the
county line into Snohomish (I'm told).

We were all horrified, except for Dave, who turned a salmon pink and
batted ineffectually at the Moose while protesting incoherently. The
rest of us laughed, but in the awful laugh of the terrified, as we
screamed 'No!' 'Stop!'. Then the Moose passed on to the aisle, leaving
Dave shocked, the rest of us scared and unable to get a full sentence
out, and an entire section of baffled, vaguely offended fans around
us.


--
Derek Milhous Zumsteg
"Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you?"
-- Yoda
Snelling AA 101 PA:.326/.429/.506, ML 15 PA: .148/.179/.259
http://www.zumsteg.net/milhous

John Delahanty

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Jun 3, 2002, 4:29:44 PM6/3/02
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>Subject: True Story of Moose Molestation
>From: milhous...@hotmail.com (Derek Milhous Zumsteg)
>Date: 6/2/02 11:06 PM Pacific Daylight Time

[snip]

Exactly the way I heard it.
Maybe that JAMES BALDWIN-zombie story is true after all!


David Schilling

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Jun 3, 2002, 6:11:52 PM6/3/02
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John Delahanty wrote:

I don't know about Derek's story, that is if he is even the author.
There is enough detail, but the author did admit to being drunk at the
time (which might lead you to conclude that Derek is the author).

It is almost as believable as: http://home.fuse.net/ufo/47seattle.html


Jason Michael Barker

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Jun 3, 2002, 8:48:27 PM6/3/02
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On Mon, 3 Jun 2002, David Schilling wrote:

> I don't know about Derek's story, that is if he is even the author.
> There is enough detail, but the author did admit to being drunk at the
> time (which might lead you to conclude that Derek is the author).

Not only is Derek the author, but I can attest to its accuracy as I was
both present and sober. It hurts to say it, even now, but the Moose really
did give dave a lap dance and then move on.

--
Jason Michael Barker
http://strikethree.com
jmb<at>strikethree<dot>com

Derek Milhous Zumsteg

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Jun 3, 2002, 9:00:36 PM6/3/02
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On Mon, 03 Jun 2002 22:11:52 GMT, David Schilling
<schilli...@worldnet.att.net> wrote:

>I don't know about Derek's story, that is if he is even the author.

I am.

> There is enough detail, but the author did admit to being drunk at the
>time (which might lead you to conclude that Derek is the author).

I'm not sure whether I should take this as a compliment or be
outraged.

>It is almost as believable as: http://home.fuse.net/ufo/47seattle.html

You've got five people who can attest to this story. Dave and his wife
probably don't want to think about this any more than they have to,
but Jason, Michael, and I can all vouch that this story happened as I
described it.

Jason Michael Barker

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Jun 3, 2002, 11:59:52 PM6/3/02
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On Tue, 4 Jun 2002, Derek Milhous Zumsteg wrote:

> You've got five people who can attest to this story. Dave and his wife
> probably don't want to think about this any more than they have to,
> but Jason, Michael, and I can all vouch that this story happened as I
> described it.

I believe my ex might have been there as well, but I'd rather not contact
her at this point.

Michael Cox

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Jun 4, 2002, 1:39:00 AM6/4/02
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In article <3cfc10c...@news.verizon.net>,
milhous...@hotmail.com (Derek Milhous Zumsteg) wrote:

> On Mon, 03 Jun 2002 22:11:52 GMT, David Schilling
> <schilli...@worldnet.att.net> wrote:
>
> > There is enough detail, but the author did admit to being drunk at
> > the time (which might lead you to conclude that Derek is the
> > author).
>
> I'm not sure whether I should take this as a compliment or be
> outraged.

Always go with the outrage. It's more fun to watch.

> You've got five people who can attest to this story. Dave and his
> wife probably don't want to think about this any more than they have
> to, but Jason, Michael, and I can all vouch that this story happened
> as I described it.

Where do I sign the affidavit?

MC

P.S.: Also, none of the aforementioned people ever took steroids. Except
maybe the Moose.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Hey, it's Griffey! He's naked in the yard again!" - Scott Rolen

Dave Paisley

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Jun 4, 2002, 9:15:28 AM6/4/02
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Jason Michael Barker wrote:
>
> On Mon, 3 Jun 2002, David Schilling wrote:
>
> > I don't know about Derek's story, that is if he is even the author.
> > There is enough detail, but the author did admit to being drunk at the
> > time (which might lead you to conclude that Derek is the author).
>
> Not only is Derek the author, but I can attest to its accuracy as I was
> both present and sober. It hurts to say it, even now, but the Moose really
> did give dave a lap dance and then move on.

Personally, I blame Derek's drunken heckling. For some reason the
vindictive Moose must have thought it was me...

And yes, Messrs. Zumsteg, Barker, Cox and myself can all attest to the
99% accuracy of the story.

dave

David Schilling

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Jun 4, 2002, 11:33:47 AM6/4/02
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Derek Milhous Zumsteg wrote:

>On Mon, 03 Jun 2002 22:11:52 GMT, David Schilling
><schilli...@worldnet.att.net> wrote:
>
>>I don't know about Derek's story, that is if he is even the author.
>>
>
>I am.
>
>>There is enough detail, but the author did admit to being drunk at the
>>time (which might lead you to conclude that Derek is the author).
>>
>
>I'm not sure whether I should take this as a compliment or be
>outraged.
>
>>It is almost as believable as: http://home.fuse.net/ufo/47seattle.html
>>
>
>You've got five people who can attest to this story. Dave and his wife
>probably don't want to think about this any more than they have to,
>but Jason, Michael, and I can all vouch that this story happened as I
>described it.
>

Okay, Okay.....I believe it happened, but that was a pretty damn long
Mariner Moose post. I thought some drunk troll was using Derek's name
on his/her posts.

Bill Kelliher

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Jun 4, 2002, 3:42:37 PM6/4/02
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Derek,

That fellow is no longer the Moose. We've been through several of them since
then. Last year's Moose was unceremoniously fired for reasons that I can't
go into. I actually had occasion to interact with him when he was part
Moose - part human. That is he had the head, the arms and the feet off of
his costume. He was amazingly arrogant and obnoxious for somebody who pretty
much was nothing more than the stuffing inside an overgrown stuffed animal.

I've had my problems with the Moose as well. I didn't appreciate him taking
my $25.00 fitted cap off and turning it inside out to become a rally cap.
Then there was the time that he snatched my cap away, filled it with popcorn
then put it back on my head. Is this what Mascots are supposed to do?


Jack

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Jun 4, 2002, 5:30:36 PM6/4/02
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"Bill Kelliher" <nos...@nospam.com> wrote in message
news:KJ8L8.62$%R.6...@news.uswest.net...

> Derek,
>
> That fellow is no longer the Moose. We've been through several of them
since
> then. Last year's Moose was unceremoniously fired for reasons that I can't
> go into.

Now I am curious. Who has played the Moose over the years? Is today's
Moose the same Moose that
broke his ankle? Which Moose did the hang glide in the dome?

Is that 'Squatch character played by the same person? Or is it a high
turnover job?


M. S. Burton

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Jun 4, 2002, 5:52:28 PM6/4/02
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On Tue, 4 Jun 2002, Jack wrote:
> Now I am curious. Who has played the Moose over the years? Is today's
> broke his ankle? Which Moose did the hang glide in the dome?

I think it has been at least 3 since the move into the Safe...

Dave Paisley

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Jun 4, 2002, 5:50:03 PM6/4/02
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It's what *fired* mascots do.

My only other (thank God!) mascot story involves the Phillies in 1987. I
was part of a handbell choir that was playing the national anthem at the
Vet, and we had all our stuff set up around home plate. We played a
couple of patriotic songs beforehand (it was early July) and were on the
field for about 20-30 minutes before the game. During America the
Beautiful, the Phillie Phanatic came around and goosed our director (a
middle aged woman). It seems that molesting people is an inherent
character flaw in mascots. No doubt they think it's cute, but many of us
see them as nothing but furry clowns (and hence evil.)

BTW, from the last note of the national anthem dying away to having all
our bells, pads and tables into the tunnel was about 20 seconds... I
only wish they could haul those annoying Brittney Spears wannabes out of
Safeco that fast ;-)

dave

[ a m z ]

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Jun 4, 2002, 11:15:45 PM6/4/02
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"Dave Paisley" <dr...@yahoo.com> wrote:
>... It seems that molesting people is an inherent

> character flaw in mascots. No doubt they think it's cute, but many of us
> see them as nothing but furry clowns (and hence evil.)

It's the young mascots. They all come up with big contracts and serious
attitudes. They all think the game -- err... "mascotting" -- owes them
something. Back in my day, you had to bust your butt for relatively little
pay. I'd have to put the blame on college athletic departments that convert
gymnasts into mascots. You think it is all for the love of the job, but the
college mascot game is serious business. :-)

That said... when I was a Seattle sports mascot over 15 years ago, the job
was different. You generally didn't touch people, except for shaking
people's hands or messing up a kid's hair. It was more waving and posing
for pictures. Unfortunately, I only had the job during the offseason before
the mascot was "retired" by the marketing department (though no fault of my
own, mind you). I didn't get to do a game, but I did a number of public
appearances.

The scary downside of being a mascot? How about getting *stabbed*. Wasn't
me. It was someone else. But the only thing that saved the guy was some
seriously thick (and hot and heavy) rubber padding in the suit. I'm
sometimes surprised that the recent Moose crop hasn't been assaulted
seriously.


Hsberman

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Jun 7, 2002, 10:56:56 PM6/7/02
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>It's the young mascots. They all come up with big contracts and serious
>attitudes. They all think the game -- err... "mascotting" -- owes them
>something. Back in my day, you had to bust your butt for relatively little
>pay.

I think a salary cap and revenue sharing would take care of this trend.

Henry

John Craven

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Jun 8, 2002, 11:08:56 AM6/8/02
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Hsberman wrote:

To hell with that. We've gone too far. It's time for mascot contraction.

John Craven


Hsberman

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Jun 8, 2002, 12:51:34 PM6/8/02
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> I think a salary cap and revenue sharing would take care of this trend.
>
>To hell with that. We've gone too far. It's time for mascot contraction.
>
>John Craven

You mean, like combining the Phillie Phanatic with the Mariners Moose (ugly
image). Or did you mean the Phanatic needs to lose weight?

Henry

Benjamin Ramm

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Jun 8, 2002, 11:54:32 PM6/8/02
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No, he means they've been expecting for several months now and its time to
rush to the emergency room.

Ben Ramm

Hsberman

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Jun 9, 2002, 2:12:35 PM6/9/02
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>>
>> You mean, like combining the Phillie Phanatic with the Mariners Moose
>> (ugly image). Or did you mean the Phanatic needs to lose weight?

>No, he means they've been expecting for several months now and its time to
>rush to the emergency room.
>
>Ben Ramm

Oh, THAT kind of contractions...

Henry

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