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Some flight announcements

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Mar 29, 2000, 3:00:00 AM3/29/00
------------forwarded message------------
Date: Wed, 29 Mar 2000 04:34:35 -0800
To: "Oracle Service Humor Mailing List" <oracle->
From: "Oracle Service Humor Mailing List" <oracle->
Subject: [JOKE] Some flight announcements

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight
safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50 ways to leave
your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

2. Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am
going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you
wish, but please stay inside the plane till we's a bit cold
outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope
you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a

4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National,
a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure
as hell everything has shifted."

6. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you
know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen
masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it
over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your
mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small
decide now which one you love more.

7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."

11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have
some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of
them are on this flight...!

12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain
was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to
Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened
while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

13. Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the

14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy
which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said
that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers
in the eye,
thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had
gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant
came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until
Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
bells are
silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage to the terminal.

16. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube,
we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

Submitted by: Reinhard Gross @


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Mar 29, 2000, 3:00:00 AM3/29/00
to (Juli) wrote in <>:

>In article <8F0657055gbacq...@>,

> wrote:
>> 10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."

>Several of these actually reminded me of my many experiences flying
>Aeroflot, or as we affectionately called it, Aerosplat.

<laughing helplessly and hysterically!>

Please reply to the newsgroup only - no private messages!
"A man needs a little madness, or else
he never dares cut the rope and be free"
--Nikos Kazantzakis, from 'Zorba the Greek'

Dave Bird

Mar 30, 2000, 3:00:00 AM3/30/00
In article<>, Juli
>> 10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."
>Several of these actually reminded me of my many experiences flying
>Aeroflot, or as we affectionately called it, Aerosplat.

God help us, what do you call Air Lingus?

(..)__u news:alt.smoking.mooses

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