On Tuesday, 10 December 2019 22:55:01 UTC+5:30, erche...@gmail.com
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My GF asked if we could explore her fetish. I decided I was uncomfortable with it. Now it is putting a serious strain on our relationship. (I'm 26M, she's 25F)
To preface: I love my gf. We've been together for just over two years. She's funny, beautiful, and smart. We have similar interests and goals. We rarely argue. She is an amazing girl and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I will call her Sarah for simplicity sake.
That said, something has come up in the past couple months that has really put a strain on our relationship. Our friends think we are a model couple, but things aren't as tranquil as they seem... At least not anymore.
For the majority of our relationship, we have had gentle, respectful, vanilla sex. I've genuinely tried kinkier things in the past but it wasn't for me. So, I'm incredibly vanilla in the bedroom. I've been up front about this with Sarah, as well as with all my past partners, and it's never been an issue. I've been reliably informed that I am a good lover in the sack.
That's what Sarah told me as well. For the first year, we kept it to basic stuff in bed-- missionary and doggy style, lots of making out and neck kissing, mutual handjobs, going down on each other, and so on. Everything seemed great and Sarah said she was satisfied with our sex life.
Then, 2 months ago, things started to get a bit strange...
Sarah asked me if we could experiment a little. She said she found it arousing when she put up a little resistance in bed and I overcame her. I said sure. She put up a little playful resistance, I held her down on the bed, it was hot, we had fun. This continued for a couple of nights till one fateful evening, when I was holding her down, she started pulling her face away and saying "No, stop, please!" So of course I immediately stopped. But then she gave me a puzzled look and said "Why did you stop?"
When we talked about this little episode the next day, Sarah admitted that she had a fetish. She called it "consensual non-consent," or CNC. That seems to be what it's most commonly called on the internet as well. She explained that she was aroused by the idea of being taken by force-- sexually-- and the more she DIDN'T want to have sex, the more aroused she was.
In short, she had a rape fetish. (Although she became irate when I called it that. CNC is the preferred nomenclature.)
Let me just pause and say that I don't mean to kinkshame anyone, I'm just trying to explain things from my perspective as best as I can.
This was a side of Sarah I had never even suspected to exist ever before. It was a little jarring because I thought I knew her so well... I asked her how long she had felt like this, and she said that she used to watch rape scenes on certain films repeatedly as a teenager, and that was the start.
I told Sarah I would need a little time to process what she had told me. I spent the next couple of days reading up on CNC. I browsed a couple of old forum threads where people discussed the fetish. I pondered everything long and hard. I was uncomfortable with the idea, but I loved Sarah so much...
Finally, I told her that I was willing to experiment, on the strong condition that we could go back to our usual bedroom activities if I found that I couldn't adjust.
Sarah immediately brightened up and gave me a big hug. She thanked me for being open minded and launched into a long monologue on how we needed to prepare-- a safe word, a written contract in case the authorities got the wrong idea, even which specific non-sexual foreign objects that she enjoyed being "penetrated" with. (That last one made my stomach turn a little...)
I asked Sarah what kind of scenarios she would like to try. She said in no uncertain terms that roleplay wouldn't cut it. It didn't feel the same and didn't satisfy her. She wanted me to literally force myself on her when she wasn't prepared or in the mood for sex.
This was all very uncomfortable for me. But I agreed to try. We established a safe word. l asked Sarah when a good time would be to "overpower" her and she said it had to be a surprise to work.
Well, I'm sure you can guess how well things went. I tried to "surprise" her a couple times. She fought and squirmed and begged me to stop, which immediately made me go soft. The first time I wasn't able to finish, but the second time I was.
My stomach churned the whole time. I am not into hurting people, even knowing they wanted to be hurt. But Sarah... She seemed to have the time of her life. She had multiple orgasms, which made me feel a little insecure about my past performances.
I told Sarah, after two encounters, that I wasn't quite feeling the magic. She encouraged me to continue. She also texted me naughty things throughout the day, including how sexy it would be if I violated our safe word. THAT was extremely unnerving.
We went the rest of the weekend without sex. I told Sarah I needed to think. It was during this time that Sarah admitted to me (while drunk) that she had, in the past, purposefully put herself in "sketchy" situations with strangers at bars in an effort to satisfy her kink. She said that she was "glad she found someone who could satisfy her" because she had feared that one day she would push things too far and get hurt. I'm not sure if I even understand everything she said, all I know is it was upsetting to hear.
Long story short, I informed Sarah that I was uncomfortable with her kink, I was unable to continue, and per our pre-experiment agreement, I'd like to return to our previous sex habits. Sarah got really upset. It was our first real fight. A lot of hurtful things were said but essentially, she couldn't imagine going back and couldn't understand why I didn't enjoy CNC. Her logic was if I enjoyed play fighting in bed, I should enjoy CNC, because it's the same thing.
That was over a month ago. We've had a dead bedroom since then. It's like she and I are living two separate lives... By day we are the cute couple that never argues, by night we are strangers who dislike each other...
My head is still spinning. I feel like I'm living in a dream. Only a couple months ago I was in a loving relationship with respectful sex. I transferred to a new university to be closer to Sarah. We were looking at moving in together. I genuinely thought about popping the question. Now everything is different. We spent barely two weeks exploring a kink and that was all it took to make everything go to shit.
I've made appointments with both a couples therapist and a sex therapist. But have long waiting lists (which really surprised me with the sex therapist, but anyway), so we haven't been seen yet.
However, I DID speak to an old mentor of mine who had a degree in psychology. The subject matter was awkward but I was desperate. He said that his impression was that Sarah was being unreasonable, essentially trying to force me to conform to her sexual wishes, and violating our agreement by refusing to go back to vanilla sex. He advised me to cut my losses and move on, which was devastating to hear.
This morning Sarah texted me proposing that we open up the relationship. "That way we could both get what we wanted." I feel like in witnessing the end of my relationship. Sarah is such a sweet girl. She's a grad student. Not someone you'd ever expect to have such uncomfortable fantasies about sex. Not anymore. Now it feels like I'm in a relationship with a stranger.
I just desperately want to put the genie back in the bottle, go back in time two months, back to respectful vanilla sex with a gf that loved me.
I'm lost. Where do we go from here? Is it common for partners to explore one's fetish then refuse to go back?
Any input would be appreciated. I don't want this to be the end. Not over something so ridiculous.